Rosemary

[There is a bouquet at the door. Irises, yellow chrysanthemums, and some sprigs of flowering basil are bundled together neatly, tied by a length of thin twine. A small piece of paper is threaded through the twine. The message reads:

“Even if the memories never come back, there’s always more to be made. Congratulations on another step forward. May each new day be better than the last.

-Rosemary”]

Ah, thank you for the bouquet, Rosemary. How in the world did you find our address, though?

… Right, you forgot that.

I went to your place in the past, just to drop off a bouquet as well. I hope it’s not an issue.

#rosemaryspeaks #fia

I. Um. Saw you were planning a wedding. Congratulations, truly.

I want to deliver a bouquet, if that’s alright. Maybe it can say a more meaningful congratulations than I can.

- Rosemary

Oh, thank you Rosemary! :D

A bouquet would be nice. Flowers would freshen up this apartment nicely. Thank you very much! ^-^

Of course. I’ll try to get it to you within the hour. I don’t know when the storm will start but the thunder’s rumbling ominously…

It’s strange. I swear that pot was empty, and I certainly haven’t planted irises lately. All I did was think about putting some in the bouquet…

#rosemaryspeaks #fia

I don’t want that file to be the first thing I see when I open my blog. I already cried making that post. I don’t need to feel like that again.

It’s going to rain soon, isn’t it? That feels… appropriate.

I’m going to make some tea. Maybe read a little.

The branches have been so quiet. I’m getting worried.

#rosemaryspeaks

[Transcript of a video. The file is titled ‘Log 10 - The woods (a final time)’]

[The person holding the camera is running. Wind buffets it, before the camera drops to the forest floor. Miraculously, it lands facing upwards, and captures the sight of the sunset over the trees]

Rosemary: Cyclamens!

[The audio is muffled, presumably because the phone didn’t land at Rosemary’s feet. But the mic is still able to pick up on the words being said]

Cyclamens: Why are you here?

Rosemary: Well— you left. I couldn’t just… let you.

Cyclamens: Why not? I told you to just leave it alone.

Rosemary: I— I want to know. I should be allowed to know, right? I can’t just be left with unanswered questions.

[A pause, a tense one]

Rosemary: So please, just… tell me why.

Cyclamens: Are you sure you want to hear this?

[Even as they ask, they sound tired. Defeated]

Rosemary: I’m certain.

Cyclamens: Then… well, I already told you I’m not human. Neither are the things that haunted you. They are the Gardeners, led by The Keeper. Their purpose is to maintain the order of the world. To keep the machine running, to keep the cogs spinning. And I… am a rebellious little cog who decided to run away.

[Cyclamens pauses, maybe waiting for Rosemary to speak. She doesn’t]

Cyclamens: I don’t know how, but I gained consciousness, maybe even what you’d call a soul. I watched people living, and I began to dream of living as one of them. I’m not even sure how I did it, but I managed to tear a hole in this tree, and slipped away.

Rosemary: And you ended up here?

Cyclamens: Yes, I did. I think, in order to truly live a human life, I decided to… wipe my own memory. And then, there I was.

Rosemary: … But now you’ve decided to go back.

[It’s not a question]

Cyclamens: … I’d only be hurting you if I didn’t.

[The video cuts abruptly, as Rosemary begins to say something]

[End transcript]

*Editor’s note:

Sorry for the sudden cut. It just gets a little too personal, and there are some things I want to keep to myself. Even if it feels like all my emotions are already laid bare on this site.

Watching these back, it feels like I got attached too quickly. I didn’t really know Cyclamens, did I? It was only a month. But… I don’t know. I guess just having someone around who was kind to me was… yeah. Maybe I’m stupid for feeling so awful about losing someone who is still out there. Maybe I shouldn’t even call them a friend, and maybe they don’t think of me as one. I don’t know. I really don’t.

I do miss you. A lot. Even if I only knew you for a month, even if I only barely knew you for that month… it mattered. You were human, at least to me. I think that counts for something.

- Rosemary

[Transcript of video. The file is titled ‘Log 9 - Don’t leave’]

[This video is only a few seconds long. For its duration, a blurry photo of a letter is shown. The letter reads:

Dear Rosemary,

I’m sorry for the abrupt departure. Surely you have questions. I don’t know if I can answer them.

You have been haunted for the past month. That’s my fault. I brought them here. I ran away, and they followed me to bring me back.

You may have begun to suspect this, but I’m not human. Neither are the things that haunt you. I have a purpose, a duty to fulfill, and I have been avoiding it. I wanted to avoid it so badly that I made myself forget. That was a mistake.

So, I’m going back. I shouldn’t burden you anymore. Try to forget, for your own sake. Don’t worry about me.

And thank you, for everything.

Your friend (hopefully),

Cyclamens]

[End transcript]

*Editor’s note:

Sorry I skipped another video. It was… equally unpleasant as the last one. If I wasn’t so sure such things as The Keeper exist, I would have thought it to be a nightmare.

There’s only one video left.

- Rosemary

Hi Fia. I know I haven’t… really said anything. In a while.

I’m… well, I don’t know if ok is the right word. I’m glad to hear you’re back. And away from those people, and with people who you care about and who care about you.

I’m so bad at this

I never asked, when’s your birthday? You were one of a few people to wish me well on mine so… I guess I want to do something nice for you.

- Your friend (hopefully), Rosemary

um

Sorry do I. Know you?

oh wait. No I kind of remmeber now. Rosemary right? I. Did something for you. I’m sorry. I can’t remember what.

I don’t know when my birthday is. I don’t thibk I have one. Sorry.

… Oh.

There’s no need to apologize. I don’t think you would mean to forget. You um… helped me out. A lot. You might still have an oddly glowing acorn. My friend gave it to you as thanks.

… Maybe I shouldn’t be one to talk about this, seen as I barely celebrate, but my sibling would say it, so… Even if you don’t know your birthday, your existence is still something worth celebrating. So maybe… pick another important day and call it your birthday? It’s not like anyone can stop you… I think.

Huh. That makes sense... i do have a glowing acorn, actually, it's in a drawer. soemewhere.

i don't really know any important... oh. Wait.

January 1. Does... does that work as a birthday? It feels like a special day. I saw fireworks for the first time that day. Why do I remember that all of a sudden...? I don't know, it feels... it feels weird to just pick a day and call it my birthday when i don't even know if I have one. i don't think I do.

#rosemaryspeaks #fia #(Star: me when Rosemary befriends a non-human and sees more humanity in them than her own human mother…)

I would say it works. Even if you weren’t born in a medical or technical sense… you still exist. I think that’s enough.

I said this to someone before, but… I think it applies to you as well. If you believe in your own humanity, I think that’s enough.

If you decide January 1st is your birthday, that’s all I need.

[Transcript of a video. The file is titled ‘Log 7 - She’s been acting weirdly’]

[The camera is pointed at a potted plant in the corner of a room— a monstera, for those who care. It seems to be set down on a desk]

Rosemary: Maybe I shouldn’t even be recording this. I don’t know. But I feel like talking it out might help? Yeah. Just… talking to myself.

[There’s a muffled sound of fabric moving]

Rosemary: Ok. So. Cyclamens has been a little… less over the last few days. They’ve been talking less, eating less… They mostly just stare out my window like they’ll find answers on the street.

[Rosemary’s voice gets louder and clearer, as if she lowered her upper body onto the desk]

Rosemary: Maybe she’s just been trying to remember who she is. … Maybe I should suggest going back to the woods. I don’t know.

[Her voice gets quieter, as if her body withdrew from the mic]

Rosemary: Yeah. I think that’s what I’ll do.

[End transcript]

*Editor’s note:

Yes, I did skip log 6. I encountered The Sage for the first time in that one. I just… didn’t really want to rewatch that. I don’t like seeing myself panicked. Or anyone, for that matter.

I wish I could tell my past self not to go back to the woods, but it’s not like that would do much. The Keeper would still send the Gardeners to torment me, regardless of if Cyclamens ever remembered.

- Rosemary

#rosemaryspeaks #plantyourtrees

Does the torture nexus taste like honey?

I… wouldn’t know. Honey seems too pleasant a taste for something with ‘torment’ in its name… Though it could use that to lure people in? Like a trap?

I like honey. Using a little in some of the teas I drink used to be one of the few ways I could get sugar.

[Transcipt of a video. The file is titled ‘Log 5 - Who is speaking to me?’]

[The camera is pointed at a wall, which is painted white and devoid of any decorations]

Rosemary: … I think I’m going crazy. I keep… hearing things that no one else does.

[A quiet sound comes from off-camera]

Rosemary: Shit. Sorry, I’m jumpy right now. I— Cyclamens doesn’t seem to hear what I do. And I don’t hear it in public.

[A pause]

Rosemary: I don’t— I can’t really tell what it’s saying but it’s just… what I’m able to make out is “broken”? And “let go”? I think?

[Another pause]

Rosemary: And laughter. I hear something— someone, maybe— laughing at me.

[A voice says something off screen, possibly through a door. Rosemary listens, then responds, her voice softer as she presumably turns away from the mic]

Rosemary: I’ll be out in a moment! Sorry!

[Her voice returns to normal as she seems to turn back towards the mic]

Rosemary: Am I going crazy? I don’t know. Uh… hopefully you don’t see this, Andromeda.

[End transcript]

*Editor’s note:

This is the first log I made after The Keeper started speaking to me. I guess it’s just always like whispering unkind things to me. At this point, I think the only Gardener I hadn’t met is The Sage. The others, being The Bard, The Fool, and The Mourner, all had made sounds at me. Particularly The Fool— hence the laughter.

- Rosemary

Hi Fia. I know I haven’t… really said anything. In a while.

I’m… well, I don’t know if ok is the right word. I’m glad to hear you’re back. And away from those people, and with people who you care about and who care about you.

I’m so bad at this

I never asked, when’s your birthday? You were one of a few people to wish me well on mine so… I guess I want to do something nice for you.

- Your friend (hopefully), Rosemary

um

Sorry do I. Know you?

oh wait. No I kind of remmeber now. Rosemary right? I. Did something for you. I’m sorry. I can’t remember what.

I don’t know when my birthday is. I don’t thibk I have one. Sorry.

… Oh.

There’s no need to apologize. I don’t think you would mean to forget. You um… helped me out. A lot. You might still have an oddly glowing acorn. My friend gave it to you as thanks.

… Maybe I shouldn’t be one to talk about this, seen as I barely celebrate, but my sibling would say it, so… Even if you don’t know your birthday, your existence is still something worth celebrating. So maybe… pick another important day and call it your birthday? It’s not like anyone can stop you… I think.

#rosemaryspeaks #fia

I’ve been mostly editing down my videos for this blog, so I haven’t really given any life updates, have I? Not that it matters. I doubt anyone cares about what I’m doing. Or how I’m doing.

If it happens that someone does… well, I’ve just been going to work. Talking to my sibling and my cousin. Trying not to overthink everything.

The branches have been quiet. They say things every once in a while, but I get the feeling they’re… busy? Distracted? I’m not sure what the right word is.

I know a lot of things have happened. Maybe I should check in on some people?

#rosemaryspeaks

[Transcript of a video. The file is titled ‘Log 4 - I think I’m being followed’]

[The video footage is shaky, as the person holding the camera runs. It’s night time, and the meager streetlights do nothing to the stretches of darkness between them]

Rosemary: Fuck. I’m… fuck.

[She sounds out of breath. Even as she slows slightly, swiveling to look around her, her hands shake]

Rosemary: There’s… fuck. There’s something following me. I think. I don’t know. I just… keep hearing things and I swear I saw something out of the corner of my eyes.

[She turns again]

Rosemary: I’m… I’m a block away from my place. I can make it back. I’ll be fine.

[The camera jostles again as she goes back to running, before the footage cuts]

[End transcript]

*Editor’s note

This was my first encounter with the Gardeners. This may have been The Fool? The Fool likes to laugh at me. I think I heard laughter. I’m not sure though.

There’s a few more videos where I’m… running from the Gardeners, for lack of a better word. I don’t think I’ll upload the files of all of them here. I… don’t like rewatching them. Especially after The Keeper put me in a tree.

- Rosemary