A BETTER ME(L) @a-better-mel - Tumblr Blog

She Looks Just Like Me

11.09.16

Today I want to share an essay I wrote about a year ago about a very personal story that I have never told anyone. I decided to keep it to myself because it made me feel vulnerable. However, in light of the world unveiling that racism is alive and stronger than ever, we must find solace in our common grounds.

She Looks Just Like Me

I’ve done nothing to earn my U.S. citizenship. I was simply born on the right side of a fence, but it’s never felt like the right side completely. Growing up I held a lot of resentment toward Latinos and the community in general. I hated being grouped in with these people that I was nothing like. They spoke a language I didn’t understand, listened to music I didn’t like and were too affectionate for my liking. I was great at singing, dancing and I loved to read, yet the only thing that was important to people when we met was the fact I was a minority. My mother grew up in the North Shore suburbs outside of Chicago. The North Shore isn’t indicative of who her family was, they weren’t country club members with a summer house. My grandparents both had multiple jobs. They simply wanted their kids to go to the best schools and have the best chance at becoming people who could one day live comfortably with a single job. Growing up Latina around this area was difficult. I was the only Mexican in my kindergarten class, all the rest of the Latino students were thoughtfully placed into the same class.

When I started kindergarten a teacher saw my name on her roster and assumed it was a mistake. She saw “Sanchez” and immediately moved me to the spanish class, where I would learn english. Without being asked I was moved from my friends to “learn” the only language I’ve ever spoken. I walked into the class feeling incredibly nervous, because I was being personally escorted to a different room. When I got into the classroom I looked around and felt a bit relieved because I wasn’t in any trouble. I sat in my class not really paying attention and my teacher said, “Hello, Hola!” I smiled and replied, “Hola!” I felt like the smartest girl ever because I had remembered that my dad taught me what that word meant. The little girl sitting next to me smiled and said something that really confused me. I began to panic because I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Her face scrunched together with confusion as I sat staring directly at her with a blank face. The little boy on her other side began speaking to me too, probably asking why I wasn’t saying anything. I shrugged and shook my head in an effort to tell them I didn’t get what they were saying. I walked up to my teacher and told her I had no idea how to understand the other kids. I remember the teacher’s face going bright red as she realized that it was a huge mistake for me to have been moved to that class. She told me that she would walk me back to my class, with all the other American kids. The teacher apologized and said “I am so sorry this happened, don’t worry about not understanding those kids, you guys are very different!” and I remember thinking, but why are we different? She looks just like me. This is where my identity crisis started. I was a six year old girl who couldn’t comprehend that someone could look just like her, but have a completely different life and speak a completely different language all while growing up in the same neighborhood. This haunts me everyday and caused me to spend a lot of my childhood resenting my heritage. I don’t want to live in a world where someone’s name, appearance or background determines how someone else will treat or think of them. That little girl hated herself for so long and hoped for change. I still do. I hope everyday for change. I hope everyday for the death of ignorance. I hope everyday that we can acknowledge our differences without any discomfort. I hope every single day.

I was able to leave that class and everything negative all the other kids at our school associated the Latino children with. I have parents who have rights, educations and can speak english. I have parents who can defend themselves in the court of law. I am eternally grateful for this, because I can understand how lucky we are. Yesterday, I proudly voted for every single Latino that doesn't have the option to. Active citizens in their communities that live a life in the shadows due to a few pieces of paper and a nine digit number. My heart is absolutely broken for everyone who isn't in a position to defend themselves against our government. I am absolutely horrified that our new president is a man who is also about to go to trial for statutory rape. I am horrified that a racist, endorsed by the KKK gets to move into the oval office. I am heartbroken at the thought of all The Obama Administration’s the progression now being at stake. Growing up, I was always so excited to get to vote. I dreamt of what it'd be like to get that dumb sticker or see the person I voted for make a difference. That hope is lost and I feel so let down by the world we live in. I feel so incredibly uneasy thinking about people I see everyday who could be closeted racists. With all this however, we cannot give up. Let's let ourselves be sad for a little, but then it is time to WORK. If our government isn't going to be a place that supports open minded thinking and a path to citizenship for the undocumented, then we need to fight to make sure everyday we let those people know they are valued. They aren't "bad hombres," they aren't "illegal," they are human. They deserve to feel safe and loved. I am excited to go home today for a few days for the first time in months to spend time with my loved ones. Even with all the bad, remember how lucky we are to be alive. Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them, tell them you accept them and tell yourself the same.

♡Mel

Fill the glass

05.12.16

This post was inspired by a recent speaker I saw on my campus. His stage name was Justin Inspires, and boy did he.

This isn’t going to be one of those condescending posts that make you feel bad for complaining about trivial day-to-day problems. This is just about how I decided to step back and change my mindset, or as my friend Allie’s mom would say “Change the channel.” Something Justin spoke about was living life as if it’s a win/win situation. He told us a story about a woman who was given four months to live, but didn’t break down when she found out. She simply said she was caught in a win/win situation, because she would either be healed or be in heaven. It truly blew my mind, because she wasn’t wrong. She was either going to be cured and become a survivor of cancer, or she would pass to a place she believed would bring her ultimate peace, pain free. As I have gotten older I’ve realized how dramatic I really am. I am a natural born thespian. I often had let ridiculously small things completely ruin my day or bring my mood down. Not only was that unhealthy, but it also made me very lost in my own life. I had a hard time deciphering my emotions and how I felt about almost everything. I let myself believe I wasn’t living a great life when I was, I just wasn’t wearing a great attitude. It doesn’t make my emotions any less valid, it just puts them into perspective. There are people who would love to have my bad days. I am so lucky to live a life where missing a train and having to wait 10 minutes until the next one (making me late for the class I am #bleSSED enough to even be going to) could be the worst part of day. Justin also posed the question whether we live with the mindset that the glass is half full or half empty. The age old question. I am verbally a very half full person, but in actuality I am half empty. I am a logical thinker over everything else and I can’t get rid of that no matter how creative I am. There are countless times when I have let my logical thinking become pessimism. A realistic view of the world can turn negative so quickly. Regardless, the next thing Justin said really spoke to me. Why do we focus so much on whether we are half full or half empty? We live in a world where we have endless opportunities to fill our glass. So fill that bad boy up to the brim, Cheers.

Letting Love be the Final Word

2.29.16

“Feelings are like waves; you can’t stop them, but you can choose which ones to surf.”

When I heard this quote initially all I thought about was Kanye’s new song Waves and how great of a producer Chance the rapper really is. Ok, but then I got in my feeling$$ about it. From the beginning of college, until very recently, I had lost a lot of my affectionate tendencies. Growing up I was a very cuddly kid who loved to be held and would constantly hang off of family or friends. Coming to University hit me with a quarter life crisis™. I realized that everything in life is so temporary. Everything is constantly changing, in fact the only constant in life is change. This realization made me so cold toward any friends I made last year, I hated hugging people and cuddling my friends because I would just think, “Mel, you’re only gonna be here for four years.” (ok lmao in reality it’s gonna take me like four and a half to finish) I used to sneak out of my best friends apartment when she asked me to stay because I didn’t wanna get too close to her since she is from Hawaii. (and if she were to move back after college then she would be right out of my life again) (wanted to clear up it is nothing against Hawaii, except HAWAIIAN PIZZA, FUCK THAT.) I came up with a bunch of crazy excuses why I had to go back to my dorm, alone where I didn’t even make an effort to become friends with my roommate. I eventually decided to move back home and commute because I didn’t want to be around a bunch of new people all the time. I wanted to be with my family who are always going to be in my life. Moving out again into my first apartment for this year of school was hard but my roommate is literally my idol and I warmed up to her really quickly. We always say we aren’t even friends, just family. I know that whatever happens and where ever she goes we will always be with each other. It still didn’t really make me open up to the idea of being affectionate and I felt like I needed that reassurance she wasn’t going anywhere to openly tell her I love her.

BUT that was last year, and with this #NeWYEARnEWME I realized if you live life being afraid of losing familiarity you’re never gonna live it peacefully. So go and hug the shit out of all your friends, hang off of them, sit on top of them, KISS them (with consent) Just show them how much you care about them!!! Remind them randomly that you are so happy to have them!!!! Buy them gifts, make them shit!!!

I am not going to let my fear of losing people stop me from loving them with all my heart. I have so many amazing friends right now. I’ve been waking up every morning so grateful that I get to spend time around them, even if it’s temporary. Be true to your emotions, cry when you need to, scream if you need to, BE AS EMO™ AS YOU NEED TO. Just be genuine about how you feel. Love everyone who loves you and forgive everyone who has wronged you, because LOVE WILL BE THE FINAL WORD.

Give the love you wish to get, but don’t give love to get it. Love.

♡Mel

THE ALBUM BEFORE THE HIATUS: One Direction “Made In The A.M.” Review

11/03/15

Yesterday, I was #blessed to have been able to attend an event called #1DFirstListen. Where I got to feel like a queen in a comfortable IMAX theater seat and listen to One Direction’s fifth and final album before their hiatus this coming year. I have been a One Direction fan since Liam had blonde in his hair. So basically 1987 in One Direction time. I was here when they were that cookie-cutter-take-me-home-to-your-mother band of boys. Now, although its been years since 1D’s very poppy music people just can’t seem to let them grow out of it, but let me tell you. THEY HAVE GROWN OUT OF IT. The album has incredibly classic sounding songs including some containing strings and bigger productions like anthemic hooks and choruses. A perfect stocking stuffer for that uncle you have who’s best joke is calling them gay. You’re hilarious Uncle Jonathan!!!! Keep em coming!!! What direction do gays walk in again????

So what has changed since the last album?

Creative Control: The boys wrote this album almost in entirety. Unheard of for a boy band. I hate calling them a boyband because of the connotations that come with it. THEY ARE A BOY BAND THOUGH! I LOVE A BOY BAND!

No Zayn- The biggest change of them all. The band is one member down, R.I.P. However, halfway through the album I was like Zayn who? lmao. It didn’t feel like there was someone missing, it just felt new. It felt exciting. The band did an amazing job of splitting solos this album, speaking of that.

Louis Solo’s and Range- I am not a religious person but louis’ solos on this album make me believe that Jesus rose and he ran across that water without a problem. With the absence of Zayn it gave louis a chance (chonce lol) to showcase his incredibly unique and edgy voice even more. His range from the first album has significantly improved. Including a high note that made me turn into a puddle on the movie theater floor.

Very little Pop- I’m serious, the notorious pop one direction can’t seem to grow out of to the media is dead. The single “Perfect’ is really the only song that can be identified solely as a pop song. There were sounds from Paul Simon to Simon and Garfunkel to Coldplay to Neon Trees and even some sultrier beats carrying songs. The album has so many sounds yet sounds perfectly coherent and flows so nicely. Let’s take it track by track shall we?

MADE IN THE A.M.

Hey Angel: Almost reminded me of Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles in the fact it is an upbeat song with a bit of a dark side lyrically. The song basically is a conversation you have with an “Angel” asking if they ever wish they were back on earth or alive like “me.” Written by Harry Styles it really makes you wonder. I absolutely love this track and think it sets up an amazing tone for the rest of the album.

In one word: depressinglybeautiful (just let me pretend it’s one word)

Stand out lyric: “Oh I wish I could be more like you. Do you wish you could be more like me?”

Drag Me Down: The one you’ve probably heard on the radio. A fun fact I learned about this song is that the boys we’re actually really unsure about releasing it. “It just seemed too different” Liam Payne said, but he now is very happy they choose to release this as the first One Direction song in 1D A.Z. (After Zayn)

In one word: yes

Stand out lyric: “I got a river for a soul and baby you're a boat”

Perfect: POPPY BEATS AND UNFORGETTABLE MELODIES, ONE DIRECTION HAS DONE IT AGAIN. This song is a smash. Harry explained it as “Obviously a love song.” saying, “But it’s more like do you wanna do a bunch of fun stuff with me?” This boy is looking for a no-strings attached type love. Fun, risky, secretive, it makes me want drive down the highway with my best friends screaming the lyrics out at the top of my lungs.

In one word: Rendezvous

Stand out lyric: “If you like cameras flashing every time we go out, oh yeah. If you’re looking for someone to write your break-up songs about, baby I’m perfect.”

Infinity: Louis and Harry have both called this song one of their favorites and an “epic song.” This song is very peaceful and is a great song to have a waltz at a wedding to. I imagine this playing at the wedding I will never have.

In one word: Love

Stand out lyric: "One step closer to being, two steps far from you"

End of the Day: EASILY the coolest song on the album. End of the Day was a song I knew from the beginning will be my favorite once the album is released. The song has parts where a cool beat comes in then it becomes huge anthem and it is hard to explain. It really is just a melting pot of so many different sounds. It feels like you’re listening to two different songs and you’re just going back and forth. The song also has a beautiful meaning of just being a dreamer and accepting that you actually really love the guy that sits behind you in your Writing class, so just ask him out!! (omg don’t follow any of my advice)

In one word: Favorite

Stand out lyric: “I said you’re on fire, babe” and “You follow your heart, even though it will break sometimes.”

If I Could Fly: The most beautiful ballad of One Direction’s Time this vulnerable song brings out sad Mr. Styles again. Written by Harry, who explained this song as just coming together easily and that it “Felt Natural.” The song basically is reassuring your lover that you are solely theirs and only have your eyes on them by letting all your emotions out.

In one word: Unconditional

Stand out lyric: “Right Now I’m Completely Defenseless”

Long Way Down: This song is sad, its all about love and the timing of love Liam explained it as “A relationship you want to work, but you’re just not ready for it.” It’s the whole wrong place wrong time scenario where you and someone seem to have everything, except a chance to actually stay like that. :( The lyrics match the music in a way that I can’t put into words correctly. It felt nostalgic. Songs like this remind me of Romeo and Juliet and WOW I HATE THAT LOVE STORY WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE WORKED OUT? WHY DID THEY HAVE TO BE DESTINED ENEMIES? JULIET CAPULET-MONTAGUE WOULD’VE BEEN A KICK ASS NAME, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GOT INSTEAD? SUICIDE.

In one word: Frustrating

Stand out lyric: “We built a Cathedral, but we never prayed”

Never Enough: Wow one direction are really utilizing the fact they are a foursome now, with this barber shop quartet-esque song. There is even a cool section of strings that can be heard in the background. Complete with du-ops and snapping. This song really just wants to make you get up and dance like no one is watching, or maybe dance like everybody is watching if you’re an “all eyes on you” type. Niall also called this song his favorite on the album.

In one word: Fun

Stand out lyric: “Lips so good, I forget my name”

Olivia: Solo Paul McCartney and a Young Beatles is the way I would explain this song. The song clearly has a very old influence. Harry says this song “Feels like a so much old stuff I love.” Styles wrote on this song as well, saying that he loved the fact this song will totally be seen as a love song for a girl named Olivia. However it is much more ambiguous then the title lets on, “Olivia could be a place” styles says in his very husky and slow voice.

In one word: Creative

Stand out lyric: “Live in my imagination, Summertime, butterflies, All belong to your creation”

What A Feeling: WOW IS THIS COOL. This song is like if Fleetwood Mac and Aerosmith had a chill little baby. With an anthemic feel and really like really good lyrics this song takes you places. It feels like you just stepped into a cloudy room full of hippies that has those beads hanging in the doorway. I just picture a bunch of people holding hands and running through an endless field of flowers, marshmallows or corn, just great things like that. This is a peaceful rock song and the perfect song.

In one word: Cool

Stand out lyric: “What a feeling to be a king beside you, somehow"

Love You Goodbye: ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS LOUIS HIGH NOTE. JK, I have so much more to say about this song. Louis calls this song the “most personal” and for that reason it’s his favorite on the album. You can just feel it. He also said that it’s about that time when you break up with someone but you still have to see them. It’s basically saying, if this is the end of our relationship lets end it on a really good, passionate and angsty note. Again with the theme of a broken love story, why does One Direction hate me?

In one word: ANGST

Stand out lyric: “One more taste of your lips just to bring me back, to the places we’ve been and the nights we’ve had”

I Want to Write You a Song: With an ironic title this song is all about wanting the song you write for someone to be as beautiful as they are. Fully equipped with cute and panty dropping lyrics. It’s a very stripped song and throughout the entirety of it you can hear a pencil scribbling sound in the background. This song is cheesy, but in the best way.

In one word: cute

Stand out lyric: “I want to lend you my coat.” (equally cute and panty dropping)

History: An ode to One Direction fans everywhere, Louis called it a song about the relationship that we have built as fans and a band. It’s the song every fan who was worried about the hiatus being the end of the band. At one point louis even belts “This is not the end” three times, three times. THREE. With lyrics like “we could live forever” It shows the eternal side to all of this, one direction’s music will be alive for the rest of history. The fans stories will be told for decades and decades to come. One Direction isn’t going to be leaving our minds any time soon people. This song would be amazing live as the whole song has clapping in the background. #2017 #ICanSeeItAlready #ImReady

In one word: Adorable

Stand out lyric: “You and me gotta whole lot of history, we could be the greatest thing, that the world has ever seen.”

Temporary Fix: Niall wrote this one, saying he was going for a “Sex on Fire” vibe and boy is that what this song is. This song straight up sounds like it’s on a Neon Tree’s album. It’s about being a temporary fix for someone, a booty call, you can make their hotline bling even if it’s just for the night. This song is gritty and sexy. It’s the song you could just shake and jump like your back at the eighth grade dance and are too afraid to grind still.

In one word: sexy

Stand out lyric: “Let me touch you where your heart is” ( and then what?;) )

Walking in the Wind: I’d like to title this, the one that got away but will always mean the world to you. With a James taylor-y guitar part and spoken word melodies this well-crafted masterpiece of a song is a bittersweet song to a lost friendship. Harry wrote it and said it was influenced by the album Graceland by Paul Simon, and boy is that influence evident. It’s about that friend you might have grown apart from or fell out with, but will always live in your heart. It’s a very I’m-not-sure-why-but-i’ll-still-always-be-here for you song. I personally see this as a song for the he who shall not be named, fallen brother of One Direction.

In one word: mellow

Stand out lyric: “Yesterday I went out to celebrate the birthday of a friend, but as we raised our glasses up to make a toast I realized you were missing.”

Wolves: “This song is when you’re at the bar and all these guys are trying it with your girl.” That was a quote from Liam who is letting us know that he is in fact the #JealousType, but he's not gonna let all these hoes scare him off. It’s basically about having to deal with thirsty guys tryna come out here and be Mr. Steal Yo Girl. The song is really clever lyrically and creative. It is a fun and upbeat song as well, with a VERY catchy hook and chorus.

In one word: heated

Stand out lyric: “In the middle of the night when the wolves come out, heading straight for your heart.”

A.M.: This song Niall described as after a party when only your best friends are still over and you just sit and recap the night. He even says “If you can’t remember what happened at 2am, at least you’ll remember 6am because you’ll have sobered up by then” The nostalgic song makes me feel like if I had friends in high school this is what we would’ve done together. Just sitting around with your friends shit talking, enjoying the early hours of the A.M. Also this is first song with a swear in it. (Harry says asses, so does louis) (we got badasses over here everyone)

In one word: raw

Stand out lyric: “All my favorite conversations, always Made in the A.M." (CUE: and it all makes sense to me)

Overall, this is the best album they have made. You can hear in the music that this is the most they have cared and put into an album. Go pick it up in stores everywhere on NOVEMBER 13TH!!!!!!

#1DFirstListen #one direction #mitam #mitam review #made in the am

The Little Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

08.22.15

I recently went on a spontaneous trip up north with my family. On this trip I learned a couple things. To start, I am quite the kayaker. We stayed on a lake and were able to take these tiny, very wet, kayaks out. The weather was pretty gloomy and chilly but I still got out there. I went about half way out until the current became so strong I felt my boat rock a little too much for my media obsessed “I am going to bring my iPhone 6 with me” liking. So I tucked my phone away and paddled harder than I ever had, which much to my dismay only made my boat rock that much more. At this point I had basically said goodbye to my phone taking it out to look at once more. I had set in my mind that I was going to capsize, the current was going to wash me away and I would have to live in the wild the rest of my life.........(the man made lake actually led to the Wisconsin Dells waterpark “The Wilderness”) (see the wild in that tho, you’re not sneaky satan.) My theatric ass didn’t capsize though and I made it back to shore with a dry phone and my pride. Which was soon to be lost when I discovered a new fear. I am afraid of heights. I completed a high ropes course twice. Both times equally terrified. However, I am not a fan of letting my fears stop me so I went on and made the best of it. During my journey on the course there were a few obstacles I knew there was no way I would’ve been able to do if it weren’t for a friend I had made. A young girl no older than 8 years old was right behind me on the course the entire time. She told me it was her fifth time up there, *show off alert.* Alas, I still asked her for pointers the entire way through. I powered through and finished with her right alongside me. There were a few times I would look back and just watch her. Almost every obstacle was way too big for her she could hardly reach the ropes and her legs weren’t long enough to reach the platforms. Her physical limitations didn’t stop her from making that course her bitch, with a determined face, curly hair and a black silhouette airbrush tattoo of a dragon on her arm she kept on. I am a very proud person yet here I was asking my new friend “so how do I walk on this tightrope without falling to my death?” because I trusted her. Which really got me thinking about confidence. Say anything with confidence and it sounds right. The day after I went back out onto the high ropes course with a very knowledgeable mind on how it all works thanks to my personal trainer from the day prior. I went on the tight rope again with my newly learned technique, only for a guard to say “That’s a really unsafe way to go across just so you know” I felt like the universe collapsed around me. How could this guard say this? My expertly trained, 5 times of experience, 8 year old professional trainer had shown me this technique to making it across. In that moment I realized I had been pretty vulnerable and afraid the day before, meaning that little girl probably could’ve told me the best way to finish the course would be to untie myself and jump off and I may have started undoing my knots. Vulnerability is such an interesting emotion that is often seen as a negative. It is an emotion that may “change” someone’s usual behavior. People who might be so passionate about something or a view point may not react to defend it because of the situation they are in that is making them vulnerable or feel inferior. Vulnerability is a good thing though, it doesn’t change who you are. Who you are when you are vulnerable is apart of who you are as a whole. I like to say I am a person who is a “trust no one” type, but I am not. If I see someone say something confidently then I will respect and trust what they have to say is well informed. That is just a small reflection from a 3 day self discovery excursion.

♡Mel

Sharp Turns and Decisions

08.13.15

Summer 2015 Reflection

I spent a lot of time this summer with the same people, people who I have mentioned various, my knife crew: Ti, Mark, Kylie and Alex. We broke records finishing number one in the company this year. That was cool but probably my least favorite thing that happened this summer. While yes, the reward is absolutely incredible, the journey we took to get where we are is what really mattered to me. I realized this summer, no matter where I go in life, what I built with this insanely talented group is something magical. There were so many times this summer when something should not have gone our way but still did, we worked so hard that karma really pushed us along at times. Even when our visions were fogging up we had each other as some what of a windshield wiper to keep our eyes on the road. Our path to success. We changed kids lives, while changing our own. You don’t really realize you have changed someone’s life until they look at their co-worker next to them and say, “You’re one of my best friends.” We built friendships like our own, real meaningful bonds between teenagers who are about embark on being alone at a university. I am not sure why it surprises me so much that my favorite thing about this summer were the lives we changed, improved or even just memories and experiences we put in them. There were so many times when I almost let adversity pull me under and times I just wanted to go home and sleep after working from 7am to 9pm back to back. Then in my moment of dramatic self sorrow a kid that worked for us would call me and thank me for help I gave them, or a skill I taught them. It’s like their gratitude would pull me back down to earth when I grew selfish. That is what I want in life, one of the greatest human needs is contribution. The feeling that I contributed to something that is larger than anything I could ever dream up is what makes me so in love with the job I had this summer.

As it all draws to an end I am very unsure where I will go next summer. There are a lot of decisions and changes that are all happening at once. It’s quite overwhelming to me and feels like a bunch of sharp turns are being made. Kylie, Alex and Mark have all decided to move on with their lives in different ways. Kylie and Alex are off to build their own magic in offices that are just going to absolutely kill it. Mark is going after an internship to secure a great job when he graduates college. Ti is working toward his next goal, having a million dollar summer. My friends are all amazing role models and are going to be huge success stories. I want to change lives. I want to help children. I want to aid in giving every human being, animal and earth life a fair and happy shot at life. I am not the happiest person in the world, (shocking, I know) that doesn’t mean I don’t want the people I meet to have the potential to be. I don’t know where that puts me. I am however, very excited to find out.

I can’t thank anyone who has touched my summer in anyway enough. My heart feels so full and I am so grateful for all the personal growth that I got to undergo this summer. I am not perfect by any means, no where even close to that, but I am proud of myself, my friends and the people I met along the way.

♡Mel

LiveJournal

06.28.15

I absolutely love this and it has really made me think today.

♡Mel

Traveling Song

06.19.15

Music has a way of just taking me places, (insert bad joke like, “i was sitting in a restaurant that put on nickleback, and now im outside” ha) Actually though, i have been listening to a lot of different music outside of my usual stuff. I love experimental artists that use a lot of cool sounds and loop pedals. I have really been turned on to Cherub recently. Ryn Weaver’s album came out yesterday and the track titled “traveling song” made me cry, like ugly cry. It was written for her late grandfather. I have never last a grandpa thankfully. However, I couldn’t help but think about my grandmother as I listened to the song. Then I went into one of those “where is my life even going, how does time even work, whERE DOES TIME EVEN GO????” moods. A kid from my work I liked decided he didn’t want the job after I had spent a few hours with him talking about why he thought it was awesome. ????? i just don’t understand !!!!!! something is in the air and whatever that something is....it’s so draining. I just have been listening to a lot of music and doing a lot of thinking, I don’t know what for.

♡Mel

Your View on the World is Up to You

06.04.2015

Small Hiatus, but I wanted to come back to talk about how I feel about something. There is so much negativity in the world and surrounding the media. Tragedy, like racism, making a reprise in major headlines and so on. So for the past two months I have been gathering beautiful moments I’ve witness in the wonderful city of Chicago. All of these are completely real stories and putting them all together makes my heart feel a little warmer.

On the amazing subway, I witnessed a small boy with his mother. As we all know the city is majorly crowded and many people have to subway surf (aka stand because all of the seats are taken.) This little boy was not happy about having to stand, but instead of throwing a fit he was just nervously clinging onto his mother, almost in tears. An older woman sitting in the seat next to where they were standing noticed, despite being clearly so much older, she got up and gave her seat to the little boy. The boy happily took his seat but while still nervously looking around grabbed his mothers hand. That’s when I snagged this beautiful picture.

This next picture is my friend Merrill in a tree. In fact, her favorite tree. We were walking back to her dorm one night and she just jumped up into a tree out of nowhere. Talk about spontaneous!! Merrill is a constant reminder in my life to have fun and be myself. Which is something I value as a beautiful trait of hers.

The photo below, is my friend Kylie. She is on the phone with a kid she manages at her work. I love this picture because Kylie is working, as she always is. She is constantly pushing herself in the workplace and never gives up. She is a reminder to me to remember to push myself and that I can do anything I set my mind to, as annoyingly cliche as that sounds. There is so much beauty in Will. Having the Will to do something is an incredible quality to hold. You are as strong as you tell yourself you are. Even when she doesn’t believe herself or feels like she failed at something, she wakes up everyday ready to take life’s blows head on.

The next photo was taken downtown, I saw a homeless man sitting amongst a bunch of birds. Despite probably not being able to eat much himself, this man who sleeps in a sleeping bag downtown was happily sitting feeding birds. This picture reminds me of a time a homeless man and I talked on the subway and he told me he loves to give. He said “People who take and take have their hands full, when your hands are full you leave no room for anything new. You can’t get if you don’t give.”

This picture is a photo of one of my favorite bands. They play everyday in the subway, usually the Jackson stop. They are incredibly talented and have been playing for years. They truly love music and say they’re gonna play forever. They put out a box for money when they perform. When I watch them after class anywhere from 1-10 minutes, I see multiple people give them money. Obviously not on Drake’s salary per show, but these talented men couldn’t care less and that inspires me.

This last picture is a new one, its a picture of two of my friends. Classes for my first year are coming to an end and this year has been nothing like I would’ve imagined it to be. Friendship is one of the greatest values I have ever learned. I never believed when people would say a majority of your “Friends” from high school would disappear after you left town. So naturally, when it happened as I transitioned into a new lifestyle it was insanely difficult. However, I am grateful for the friends I have made this year and the relationships that I have built and continue to build upon. This picture reminds me to never compromise for a friendship and to cherish those who worship us in our truest form.

♡Mel

ZAYN MALIK IS DEAD??

3.30.15

(to a lot of fans that is)

Honestly, fuck me for that lmao^

Nonetheless, the last week has been a huge one for a lot of reasons. Zayn decided to leave one direction due to wanting a “”normal”” life...yet here we are 5 days later and a solo demo is already out???

I was at Disney World at the time I found out, my family and I were on our way to universal studios and we actually had to cancel going that day because much to my dismay I began UNCONTROLLABLY sobbing. I am not the type to cry over something like this, (I’m not like other girls ;-)) BUT this band has been a huge part of my life since I was 14...I am turning 19 this year. 2 days later I was still crying myself to sleep, but after a couple days of One Direction A.Z. (After Zayn) ((the new era)) I realized Zayn had been in the studio everyday since his departure from the band.......not cool. I am not really sure how being in a studio encompasses a “normal” life. Whatever the case is...the attitude toward Zayn’s Departure has hit the angry stage. Like really angry. We have knocked the fuck out of the angry stage. I actually haven’t seen twitter this actively wild since 1948 when the boys fought the wanted. Ah, the golden ages. Much like then, the drama of today unfolded when Louis, aka a literal SASSquatch aka beautiful baby boy aka the light of my life aka eyes so blue make a girl wanna go for a swim, tweeted naughty boy calling him inconsiderate and telling him to grow up for literally taunting one direction fans about Zayn going his own...direction (AGAIN I HATE MYSELF)...and like most 78 year old producers obsessed with a younger man do when they are called out naughty boy leaked a song he and Zayn made....

We will never know the full truth and that will keep me awake at night along with wondering if 9/11 was planned?? Or if Dick Cheney actually made money off of the Iraq war?? The question “Why did zayn malik actually leave one direction?” will need to be added to university courses as a theories class I swear.

WHAT I NEED TO REALIZE NOW and what a lot of fans should realize is that Zayn is a grown a$$ man and if he wanted to talk he would....but he’s staying quiet, honestly at this point I’m worried he’s forgotten how to read and type?? He isn’t saying anything so we should just ignore everything. (I say as I literally just typed out an essay about him)

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, We need to move on from this, from zayn drama, from naughty boy and his dumb tracksuits, we have to stop beating around this fucking bush because at this point THE BUSH IS DEAD.

JUST STAND BY THOSE FOUR LITTLE SLICES OF BREAD WE GOT LEFT OF 1D, They haven’t given up. NEITHER WILL WE!!!

TUPAC DIDN’T DIE FOR US TO GIVE UP ON ONE DIRECTION SO FAST.

I can’t wait to tell my grandkids about how their hot ass grandma survived the Cold war.

♡Mel

#zayn #zaughty #louis

Is Weird Al Gay???

3.15.15

Dear God, it’s Me M(el)argret.

(Really nervous no one will understand that reference. It’s a book title. It’s a book about a little girl going through puberty. My 56 year old 5th grade male teacher read it to my class..... I feel like that should’ve been illegal.)

Well, well, well, I am back like that rash you still haven’t told anyone about. I have been thinking a lot about where I am in my life. Am I an adult? Am I going to be able to finish this 150 point paper that is due at Midnight? (I started it today) Was 9/11 a planned by the CIA?? Am I Easy? Am I breezy? Beautiful? Am I ever going to stop looking 13?

I think I would say a lot of my confusion with life stems from the fact that I will never really know what I believe in. Like how did earth start? I don’t mean this on a spiritual level, I parted ways with religion and it’s practices sometime ago. BUT I have been reading in waaaay too closely on whether or not two of the members of One Direction are secretly hooking up, and I just don’t know what to believe anymore. Aside from that, there are so many conspiracies I am constantly looking too much into.

The conspiracy thing has to do with my bad habit of reading WAY too much into EVERYTHING....have you ever spent 3 hours on wikipedia looking at stuff like what Aziz Ansari’s "early life” was like? Or The full list of award nominations that The Beatles received throughout their career? (off topic but: I had a bowl cut in 1st grade and my hair looked like Dora the Explorer meets the Beatles (in the worst way))

Maybe I am lost because I can’t tell you much about what I learned in my classes this quarter but if you wanted to know the names of the producers on Weird Al Yancovich’s latest album, then look no further because I am your girl. Actually, does anyone know who can put me in touch with wikipedia so I can ask them for a lot of my time and tears back??? Haha “Time and Tears,” that sounds like a Jonas Brother’s song. (RIP Jonas Brothers) or maybe a pop punk band. ok I should trademark that while I have the chance.

Okay fuck it’s 8pm and I have to complete a 5 page paper by 11:59 pm.

Can’t wait until I do something cool enough to make me a millionaire so I can finally just drop out!!!!!!!!

Here is a recent pic of Weird Al, goodnight everyone.

OKAY SO I JUST GRABBED THIS PICTURE OFF OF GOOGLE SO I WENT IN FINDER TO UPLOAD IT AND LOOK WHAT IT IS NAMED?? IS WEIRD AL GAY??

OKAY BYE I NEED TO GO INVESTIGATE.

♡Mel

Dealing with Stress

2.3.15

Happy New Year!!

IT IS NOW MARCH AND I NEVER POSTED THIS BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO EVEN TELL YOU HOW I HAD BEEN DEALING WITH STRESS. I’LL SUM IT UP AND SAY: POORLY.

2014: changes, laughter and a lot of knives

I forgot to make this public..... wow mel.

12. 31. 14

Wow, another year. Another fucking year. Don't let the title of this post confuse you into thinking I went on some weird violent emotional rampage.

Let's start with the changes...oh gosh College, what the hell is that all about. I always said I was never going to go to college because it just isn't me. Then one of my teachers told me not going would be a waste of my love for school. While yes, I genuinely enjoy school and always have, college just always seemed too serious for an insanely indecisive kid like me. Needless to stay I ended up applying to schools...and I ended up being accepted...by every single school I applied to. All seven of them. After being torn between two schools I picked one and I am so happy with my choice :-) I ended my first term of classes on the Dean's List. Before school started, meaning just after my senior year of high school ended I spent nearly every day of the start of the summer with my cousin Brandon aka "Tina" we have always been each other's best friend and seem to have our very own language. Our family calls us the twins because we are only 4 months apart, so basically we are twins. We have celebrated birthdays together and just always seemed to be there when the other person was in a rut. I am so happy I spent that time with him because I don't know if he knows this, those were the scariest weeks of my life. Everything was about to start changing for me but the fact that I could call him in the morning or see a text from him saying what our plans that day were it felt like nothing was going to change. I know our relationship will always be how it is. I know that any time I am weary of a situation or a big event in my life I can just think about him and know that there are aspects of my life that will never change. My family being the most important.

As far as laughter goes, that is my entire life. I laugh at everything, honestly ask my mom. (Just realized I am an adult that still thinks whatever my mom says has to be true) (no one ever told me santa wasn't real.) My whole life I have been the most indecisive person in the world, I went through friends like shoes as sad as that sounds I really never felt connected to a group of people. (Of course I have had a friend or two before this year that will be with me for life) but I have never been able to keep a group of friends. Regardless of this indecisiveness the only thing i have never changed my mind about is being a funny girl. I want to be a comedic screenwriter and I have wanted to be that my entire life, i just never knew there was an actual job I could have for it. I used to make my cousins read scripts I typed up on my sisters laptop. Obviously these pieces were written by me but they also happened to be filmed, directed and edited by me as well. I always have to be in charge of course. :-) I am just so grateful this year has supplied so many amazing laughs and I am excited to see where my comedic future is headed.

Now, onto the knives......

I am not violent, I actually just started selling knives nothing weird or anything....ok wow that actually sounds completely weird. It's true though. I found out about this amazing company from some random girl I had an acting class with... 7 months later that girl is my best friend.

Our friendship certainly hasn't been a long one, but I can ensure you it is the most mature friendship I've ever had... anyone that knows us is probably laughing at the fact I just called us mature. It's true though, our arguments are always short lived because we are adults. It is nothing like a high school friendship with envy or hiding something from the other. We celebrate each other's successes all the time, sometimes even more than our own and we tell each other when to just shut up and listen. We sing really inappropriate songs together and stay up until morning talking to each other about how boring/sad/funny/unbelievable our days are. (sadly she lives all the way in California so most of our conversations are with the use of technology :-( boo!!) My favorite thing about our friendship though is how we motivate each other in all aspects (even when we're motivating each other to relax or make a bad decision, hey at least we're making it together) I know Kylie is going to be in my life for a long time, because we already decided what was going to happen in 20 years.

Then we have my other half Mark who I have come to quickly realize is the boy version of me. Of course being the vein person I am, I obviously fell in love with him (basically loving myself even more.) He is like the coolest guy on earth who will always be able to make me laugh. Something special about us is we started the job on the same day, BUT he had already previously worked for the company as the receptionist and at the time he did that he ended up scheduling me for the interview that put me in the same training class as him when he ultimately decided to switch positions within the company. Can I have fate for 500? Anyway, this guy is a 10/10, absolute dime all around. Ladies, before you start asking me for his aim, I hate to break it to you but he is off the market. We probably get annoyed with each other the most out of any of my close friends just because like I said, we are so alike. We have also realized recently that we kind of hate each other but in the best way. Glad to have a freak like him in my life.

I never had an older brother, but I think this would've been the relationship we would've had if I did. Even if the first time i met him I thought he was 6 years older than he actually is...and gay. Yeah, great first impression Ti. He has served as an awesome mentor figure, almost too much!!!!! Like back off a little Ti!!!!! Sometimes I'm genuinely convinced he thinks I'm his daughter. Joking aside, he taught me a lot about what real hard work is. I have always been a bit of a brat and princess when it came to working but Ti never really let me be lazy. (I still got away with it sometimes ha! ha!) He has a really cool personality but you can't actually tell him that or he will never let you hear the end of it. He happens to also be the most certain person I have ever met, he could make me believe anything. Like he could probably tell me he was going to learn how to fly and I would believe him 100%. As much as I tell him he sucks I really do appreciate him and all the hard work he put into our organization this summer. I am also so happy he has asked me to help run his office this coming summer. :-)

NOW MY GIRL GROUP.

NOW MY GIRLS.

we are all so different but the same person. We've coined the term "The Spice Girls" we're known in the streets as "5 headed monster" too. I will go off one by one.

Kylie "Ginger Spice" The girl i mentioned up there. She has ginger because she is our foundation, she also shares the position of Leader and organizer with me.

Connor "Posh Spice" She is posh, it just suits her. 100% the girl you go to for fashion advice or brand comparisons. Connor also happens to be the one who you go to crying or upset because she is always there for you. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and I love having her in my life. She's gotta lot of dreams and I am glad she is wiling to follow them.

Cat "Baby Spice" She is the cutest, always up to have fun. She also was our token blonde *now a red head* *still just as hot* Whatever the case is, Cat and I are a very dangerous combination, we always would joke that if we hung out to much we would get arrested. We are both just very chill but crazy at the same time. I have sooo much love in my heart for Cat. If you ever need a friend down to take a drag off of a random mans ecig, just call Cat. LOL

Alex "Sporty Spice" Have you ever been at a party and just watched someone drop to the splits? It was probably Alex. She is a dancer at a big ten school. She is probably one of the most positive people in my life. Sometimes when I am upset with something I just think.. "Mel you know what, Alex is probably dancing her heart out somewhere" and I instantly cheer up. It is so nice to have someone in your life that has such a sturdy head on their shoulders.

Then I of course am scary, not only because I have insanely big hair, but I am crazy. That's all I am gonna say about that.

UGH EVERY TIME I SORT EVERYONE OUT I GET SO HAPPY AND WEIRDED OUT HOW WE LITERALLY FIT THE SPICE GIRLS PERSONAS PERFECTLY. Joking aside, these are the first group of girls i have in my life with no drama. We all just disgustingly love each other and support each other in everything. I am so blessed and grateful for these girls. Ma girls.

ALL IN ALL, THIS YEAR WAS GREAT BECAUSE OF THE PEOPLE I MET ALONG THE WAY. I REALIZED THIS YEAR I STOPPED GETTING UPSET ABOUT HOW BAD THINGS ARE AND STARTED REALIZING HOW GREAT THEY COULD BE. :-) SO HOPEFUL FOR THIS COMING YEAR. LETS GO 2K15!!!

♡Mel

DISCLAIMER: to my dearest friend Jon, my browser kept freezing every time I tried adding a photo of us. I love you my tiny son and I am sorry my laptop is being a dummy. Alpha House bros for life.

"My death needs to mean something."

12.30.14

That quote hit me hard. Just this week a teenage girl named Leelah committed suicide. She was born a boy, but she was a girl and that was that. That should've been where the questioning stopped. Unfortunately that wasn't the case for her, leaving the quote "my death needs to mean something" in her suicide note. I hope she knows her death will mean something forever, everyones death means something. With everything that happened this year I cannot fathom the fact that there are still people in this world so unaccepting of others. The fact her parents would put what they read in a book, before what their daughter was trying to tell them, what she so desperately tried explaining to them only to be pulled out of school and sent to religiously biased therapist. Who made her believe she was sick, and selfish. All she wanted was to be herself. She is forever going to remain in my mind as the day i realized people are really still so obsessed with what people think of them. I am gonna focus back to the meaning of death, sorry for being all over the place my mind is just so busy thinking about everything I have coming up this week. Anyway, death will always means something. It's important to remember that. There is no difference in any death, it's always the same thing. The victim or survivor loses life and that's it, but what is different is what our death means to the world. What we leave behind and the aftermath when we die. Leelah's death sparks the birth of a controversial topic often avoided and thought of as a mental illness. I can see 2015 being a big year of change, but I am not gonna talk about 2015 just yet..TRANSGENDERS DESERVE TO BE HEARD, DESERVE TO FEEL LOVED AND DESERVE TO BE WHO THEY ARE. do not let Leelah's death be for nothing, do not let this girl give up the possibility of a happy future for us to just forget about this next week. Her death needs to mean something, big.

♡Mel

#leelah alcorn #trans #leelah #transgendersupport

What's wrong with the world mama?

12.16.14

My heart is heavy. I feel almost guilty that I am able to sit here and type out my sorrows while there are hundreds of parents on the other side of the world who are putting their children in the ground. The same child they sent off to school that morning. The same child who was considered lucky to even be allowed an education. I cannot fathom how anyone could be able to look into the eyes of an innocent child and kill them. In those class rooms we may have lost a future nobel peace prize winner, or doctors, athletes, even just future parents themselves. Those kids will never get to grow up and discover what they want to be in this world. In a way it's almost fortunate that they no longer have to live in a place where killing the young is something that could happen on a tuesday morning.

Other than this horrid event, there is also the Sydney Siege. People just going to get some chocolate having no idea that they may be dead after 16 hours of being held hostage by a gun man. Having no idea that they would be forced to make youtube videos to read a script while being held at gun point, or being forced to hold up the Islamic flag. The manager of the shop had no idea while he unlocked the door that morning that, that would be the last time he ever got to open his store or that would be the last day he would even be alive.

There is so much hate in this world and it genuinely kills me that there are woman afraid to go out following their religion in their headpieces because they fear being labeled. Children afraid to explore who they are because of the views of their parents. People of color who need to take extra caution when they go out after dark. Children and Students in Mexico going missing..Oh have you not heard about that one? for awhile I hadn't either. Even the media coverage is skewed and it is depressing to see that in some places their heart breaks are over looked. There is so so much wrong with this world and it's sad to say that it over powers the beauty we hold as people, a beauty that gets washed up so quickly when events like these happen. I am also going to add some things I have read that relate to everything that has been happening, from our backyards to across the ocean. I am not saying these all are my opinions but they all have valid points.

Before I get to these statements we need to please remember that these acts are not reflective of any group of people as whole and

THAT AS A WORLD WE CANNOT CONTINUE TO HOLD AN ENTIRETY OF A RACE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT A GROUP OF 19 MEN DID 13 YEARS AGO.

Let's begin with the issue in Mexico. I have made the word the link. This video is the easiest way to break down what happened and resolve any ignorance on the issue. #YaMeCanse

Mexico.