Rafael Barba RP Blog

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[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Brothers (Cont. 6)

@frederick-chilton-psychiatrist

“I’d like to stay for the signing if that’s alright with you.” Rafael didn’t want to say that he just wanted to spend time with him because he was afraid that would sound too emotional. “You know, because you don’t know this city well and I’d just feel better if I was here. Do you need anything?”

Waiting for Fred’s reply, he brought him around a long strand of screens that separated a makeshift “behind stage” area for Fred with his signing table in the middle. Rafael couldn’t help but notice that his brother was sweating a bit. He wondered if this was because of speaking or general nervousness or his condition. Not wanting to embarrass him, he decided not to mention anything but be on the lookout for Fred not looking well. 

Listening to his brother talk about not being able to let him pay for the ring was sweet. Rafael was more interested in the part where Fred took the time to say that it meant a lot to him. As long as he noticed that Rafael was trying to extend an olive branch then he was happy.

At the mention of dinner, Barba was now thinking about food which he was never afraid to admit generally occupied his mind. In fact, he realized that when he’d walked into the bookstore he’d taken notice of the adjoining Starbucks and glanced at their menu while Fred was speaking. 

“You know me, Freddie, nothing captures my heart more than a good dinner.” Being cautious not to move to quickly, he gently patted Fred’s upper arm with a light touch, enough to try and convey that he was eager to have a nice meal with his brother, but not brazen enough to trigger feelings of nervousness or PTSD for Fred. At least he hoped. “Afterwards I know you’ll probably be tired after the whole day so I can get you back to your hotel or you’re always welcome to my place.”

They noticed the publicist waving Fred over to start the signing process. He had graciously set up a chair next to him for Rafael to sit at. But Barba thought twice.

“Hey, Fred, I see he put a chair next to you for me but I know you hadn’t planned on having me be here necessarily. I’d like to sit next to you in case you need anything but if you would feel uncomfortable,” in fact Raf was uncomfortable saying this, “I could always, ya know, stay back here out of your way.” He threw on an it’s-okay-if-that’s-your-decision-but-secretly-I’d-be-really-disappointed smile as he inquired.

[quantifiably-adorable]

Frederick smiled at his brother.  He so appreciated that Rafael was asking what he wanted now, and not just assuming.  Fred watched as his brother struggled with words-it was nice to know he wasn’t the only one who was awkward at times. 

“Certainly, please stay Rafael,” Frederick said, as he allowed Rafi to move him to the screened area.  He was also glad the speech was over, but he was also nervous about the signing.  He wasn’t really excited to meet so many different people.  Surely most would be nice, but he was worried some might have upsetting questions.  Perhaps that was something his brother could help with, since Rafael seemed more comfortable in dealing with the public.  Frederick took a handkerchief out of his pocket, gently dabbing his forehead.  “Well, you could tell me if I have to ah…” he worried his bottom lip, not sure how to ask. “Fix my face…” he said in a whisper, looking to the ground, his cheeks coloring at his own words. 

Frederick also wanted to see Carolyn’s ring, he was anxious to make sure it looked okay.  He was taken from that thought at Rafi’s hand on his arm, which was gentle and kind.  It warmed his heart to see his brother being kind to him, after being so upset with him earlier.  Fred smiled, and let out a soft chuckle.  “Well, some things never change,” he said.  “Wherever you want to eat afterwards is fine by me, as long as they have some things I can handle, which shouldn’t be hard to find,” he said.  “And you could show me the ring after?  I’m anxious to have it back, and make sure it looks okay,” he said nervously.  He was also nervous about it getting lost, he knew that would hurt his love greatly. 

Again, Rafael was deferring to his brother’s needs, asking if he wanted to go back to the hotel afterwards.  Finally Frederick’s words had been conveyed, and he wanted things to go well between him and Rafael.  The fighting was much too painful. 

“I am tired, yes Rafi,” he said quietly.  “Let’s see how I feel after dinner, if you don’t mind,” he said kindly to his brother. 

Rafael sighed at Mark waving them over.  The man grated on Fred’s nerves.  He raised a finger to show he would be over in a minute.  Frederick turned to his brother, away from Mark, speaking low so they wouldn’t be heard.  “Rafael, I would like it if you stayed.  Actually…I could use your help,” he admitted.  “I told Mark I didn’t want personal questions…but he doesn’t always listen,” he said with a nervous laugh.  “Perhaps you could, um, help with that, please?  Maybe change conversation topics if need be?” he said softly and there was a slight tone of pleading in his voice. 

Frederick hoped that Rafael wouldn’t think he was being ridiculous, but Fred was nervous, more than he would like to admit.  He hoped Rafi would do this for him, it would help with his anxiety.  Frederick was afraid if people asked some personal questions, or insisted on talking about things he didn’t want to discuss, he would get up and leave, not being able to handle it.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Watching Fred dab his face and then make a mention about fixing it, Rafael just couldn’t help himself. “You know Fred thank god someone finally fixed your face or you’d have to go through life looking even more like me and honestly, who wants that.” Barba chuckled at his own joke, wanting to create a little humor after a blow-out. “But of course, if I notice anything is slipping or looks strange, I’ll just announce that you need a comfort break. I’ve always found it funny that judges can never actually seem to say they need to use the restroom; it’s announced that they need a ‘comfort break.’”

Seeing Fred smile was calming, even if he wasn’t that funny. Anything to bring down his brother’s anxiety. 

“Yeah, look, you just let me know what you’re comfortable eating and we can find a restaurant for you. This is New York City after all. If you can’t find it here, you can’t find it.” They walked together over to where Mark is standing while Frederick related his issues with Mark not taking into account his needs. Rafael thought about it for a moment and didn’t even consider not helping him. He could understand how personal others can get and he wouldn’t want to deal with that if he was his brother.

“Yeah, listen, I don’t think Mark is going to take the hint. He doesn’t seem like the type to really care whether you’re uncomfortable or not. I’ll change the topic if it comes up. Besides, I’m the one who can make a good argument right?!” He could see that Fred was probably still uneasy with his answer but Rafael knew people like Mark who were only out for the publicity and really didn’t care what happened with their client. Then again, he understood because that wasn’t really his job anyway. He switched his mind into attorney-mode and went on the defense.

The rope holding back the line of people was removed and they rushed forward. Rafael could see the anxious response from his brother at the sight of the crowd so as the first woman moved forward Rafael stood quickly and went around to the front of the table, cutting her off. He stopped her and held out his hand, taking the book from her. He opened to the title page and handed it down to Fred to sign. He decided in a spilt second that this was going to be the new plan. All these people rushing at Fred, oh no, I don’t think so. He didn’t feel comfortable with his brother being overwhelmed like that and honestly, from a safety perspective, he didn’t like it either. He was hoping Fred would hand him back the book so he could hand it to her and they could continue on that way.

“Dr. Chilton, oh my gosh, it’s so great to meet you!” said one older woman who was redder than a tomato. “I just loved your book and I even took off work to finish it because it was so amazing! Was it scary working with Hannibal? I’ll bet it was scary!” She didn’t even give him time to answer. “How did your wife feel about that? I’ll bet she was scared for you! Were you married at that time? Wait now I’m confused!”

Barba opened the book to the correct page and put it down on the table. “And who would you like this made out to?” he asked calmly.

“Oh God I almost forgot! Chelsea, please make it out to Chelsea.”

“How far did you travel to be here today?” Rafael asked, completely ignoring her previous questions.

“Oh I came down from Boston. It was a long drive but definitely worth it!”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Brothers (Cont. 6)

@frederick-chilton-psychiatrist

“I’d like to stay for the signing if that’s alright with you.” Rafael didn’t want to say that he just wanted to spend time with him because he was afraid that would sound too emotional. “You know, because you don’t know this city well and I’d just feel better if I was here. Do you need anything?”

Waiting for Fred’s reply, he brought him around a long strand of screens that separated a makeshift “behind stage” area for Fred with his signing table in the middle. Rafael couldn’t help but notice that his brother was sweating a bit. He wondered if this was because of speaking or general nervousness or his condition. Not wanting to embarrass him, he decided not to mention anything but be on the lookout for Fred not looking well. 

Listening to his brother talk about not being able to let him pay for the ring was sweet. Rafael was more interested in the part where Fred took the time to say that it meant a lot to him. As long as he noticed that Rafael was trying to extend an olive branch then he was happy.

At the mention of dinner, Barba was now thinking about food which he was never afraid to admit generally occupied his mind. In fact, he realized that when he’d walked into the bookstore he’d taken notice of the adjoining Starbucks and glanced at their menu while Fred was speaking. 

“You know me, Freddie, nothing captures my heart more than a good dinner.” Being cautious not to move to quickly, he gently patted Fred’s upper arm with a light touch, enough to try and convey that he was eager to have a nice meal with his brother, but not brazen enough to trigger feelings of nervousness or PTSD for Fred. At least he hoped. “Afterwards I know you’ll probably be tired after the whole day so I can get you back to your hotel or you’re always welcome to my place.”

They noticed the publicist waving Fred over to start the signing process. He had graciously set up a chair next to him for Rafael to sit at. But Barba thought twice.

“Hey, Fred, I see he put a chair next to you for me but I know you hadn’t planned on having me be here necessarily. I’d like to sit next to you in case you need anything but if you would feel uncomfortable,” in fact Raf was uncomfortable saying this, “I could always, ya know, stay back here out of your way.” He threw on an it’s-okay-if-that’s-your-decision-but-secretly-I’d-be-really-disappointed smile as he inquired.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Of Friends and Lovers (Cont. 4)

@sgtoliviabenson4015

Rafael watched Olivia struggle with her words. She had a sharp tongue and a sharper mind and he admired both. She was trying to tell him about Tucker and he knew she was going to get defensive right away. He didn’t believe her words when she says it wasn’t serious and that they hadn’t…done something. Slept together? He tried not to snicker, letting her know he knew she was lying. 

Before he could call her on it she went on saying that she didn’t want to be with him and that she wanted him instead. He couldn’t express how long he’d waited to hear her say that but it made him nervous to hear. Was she only saying that because she was scared of what was happening with Ed? No, Ed isn’t necessarily a very powerful man but he does hold some clout. His job is to investigate those who investigate which means that he is privileged to information that others aren’t. Barba can bring up charges against a suspected rapist but Tucker can bring up charges against him; not that there was necessarily anything he needed to confess to, but the thought was unsettling nonetheless.

She wanted to call him during the hostage situation. Sure, sure she did. If she wanted to, wouldn’t she have done it? When he realized something was wrong he called her repeatedly but then he didn’t hear from her after that.

As she talked, his brain worked backwards as his finger circled the dew that had gathered on his glass. She was dating someone but it wasn’t serious. She was saying that she wasn’t sleeping with him. She wants to be with him but her face shows repulsion when she talks about him. She called him for comfort when she was in a horrifying, traumatic situation when he wasn’t the one who was there for her when she was held hostage before. She was asking, begging, for him not to push her away and yet that had been what she was doing for the past couple months with Ed. And in a moment of realization, every victim interview, every assault report, every survivor testimony came together in his mind and the blood drained from his face. He’d always suspected it but never dared bring it to her attention for fear that it would break her down even farther. But he had to know now. If they were ever going to move forward, if he was ever going to be what she needed him to be, he would need to know.

“Olivia, I went through the Lewis trial with you from day one. I made sure that I did everything in my power to keep you safe and yes, if I could go back in time and do things over I would. I took your word at face value every time I prepped you or took a statement. I never questioned your rendition of the events and I never prodded you to tell more than you needed to. If you don’t want me to push you away, you need to do the same for me.” He waited for a moment to make sure that she had taken in the first part of his question. “Lewis raped you, didn’t he.”

[therealogoliviabenson4015]

Olivia opened her mouth to try to respond to Rafael’s question. As she tried to speak, no sound came out. She adverted her eyes and lowered her head. She knew that at some point, she couldn’t hide from the truth any longer and at some point she would have to finally admit the truth about what happened those four days with William Lewis not only to herself but also to someone she truly cared for and loved. The nightmares, the flashbacks, pushing people away, it all had to stop; she had to free herself somehow. She could only truly heal if she had someone to bare witness to her pain. Rafael’s question and the tone of his voice caused the walls Olivia spent three years building to slowly crumble.

But she found herself back in that moment, back in her apartment, with Lewis right in front of her.

“Welcome home, Detective Benson…”

Olivia wrapped her arms around herself and tried to blink away the tears. She could hear Lewis in her head talking to herm tormenting her.

“Hey there she is! Big beautiful brown eyes…still feeling woozy huh? Come on, don’t be shy. We’re way past that….mmm you were so sweet when you were knocked out…”

She wanted to scream to make it stop. She looked up at Rafael; she could feel her body trembling as she tried to speak again, “Yes…yes he…he raped me.” Olivia bit her lip and closed her eyes. She didn’t know if she could handle Rafael’s reaction, “He raped me twice…once in my apartment and once in the bathroom of the beach house.” Olivia didn’t even recognize her own voice as she spoke. She sounded so weak, so despondent and she absolutely hated it. She rubbed her scar as her mind brought her back to the beach house. She remembered how Lewis dragged her into the bathroom and slammed her against the wall.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart? Why are you whimpering? Does it hurt? Too much vodka, huh? You need to go I see.” Lewis pressed himself up against her, “Before I let you go, you need to do something for me,” he slurred as he yanked her pants down, “That’s it, beautiful, you know how I like it. Yes! Struggle for me.” Olivia tried desperately to fight Lewis off but she failed.

Olivia’s voice hitched, “I know I lied to you and to everyone else about this. So many times…I just couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say it out loud. Saying it out loud makes it real. He took so much from me during those four days. I just wanted to forget and have control again.” Olivia took a minute to try to compose herself. She could feel herself slipping and losing that control she desperately needed. “I didn’t want people to see me as a victim, as fucked up and damaged. I work SVU. I should have been stopping the rapes, not getting raped. And Mrs. Mayer and her husband, that cop, I should have saved them. I failed them, Rafael. What does this all make me? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I yelled at you before the trial about the rape charges. I’m sorry for Tucker and for pushing you away when I needed you.”

 Olivia was sure that Rafael was going to leave her now. She felt as though she deserved it. She deserved to be punished for her mistakes, for her shame, and for her lies. Olivia couldn’t fight it any longer and let out a sob from deep within. The wall was completely shattered and broken now. Olivia Benson, product of her mother’s rape, mother to Noah, commander of Manhattan SVU, and a rape victim.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

*Trigger Warning: Mentions of Rape and Non-Consensual Sex*

Rafael watched her struggle in her seat. He watched her mind wrestle with itself, dredging up memories that he knew she had fought hard to repress. He tried to prevent his mind from going where her words went but they followed right along. He remembered the pictures of her scarred and beaten from Lewis. The pictures haunted him even as they sat in a case file. He could see Lewis push her legs apart as Rafael rubbed his forehead. His eyes squeezed shut and he moved his head uncomfortably trying to force the images away. She would have wanted to scream but couldn’t. Not again, not again, would be running through her mind and he wouldn’t be there. He wasn’t there to protect her. Not again, he thought.

He was trying to pay attention to her words. She was apologizing. He had no idea what she could possibly be apologizing for. Tears were about to fall down her face and he didn’t want to see her cry anymore. But he could only imagine that she was crying when he raped her, when she said no, when she said no again but then when she went quiet because there was nothing she could do and she knew screaming and spitting at him wasn’t going to do her any good.

He was shaking. He was going to break the glass in his hand. His thoughts roared. She was saying that she had failed, that she should be punished?

 He wanted to calmly comfort her and tell her everything was alright, he would help, he could fix this. But he couldn’t.

“…pushing you away when I needed you…”

His thoughts jerked suddenly and Lewis’ face was clear in his head, pressed against Olivia’s, a sickening smile splashed across his face, and her shriek of agony when he forced his body into hers…

Barba stood abruptly, swung, and sent his glass flying across the room by the back of his hand. It smashed into the wall, shattering with ferocity.

“If he wasn’t already dead I’d fucking kill him with my bare hands!” The restaurant was staring at him as was Olivia’s stunned face. The manager was on his way over

“Sir, I’m going to need you to-“

“Yeah? Fucking sue me,” he said getting in his face, laughing, “I dare you.”

He heard Olivia protest his audacity.

“I need air,” he said, storming past the manager. “And get me that jury foreperson on the phone so I can bring her up on charges of aiding and embedding, accessory to rape, and being a fucking worthless excuse for human life.” With that, he was out the door; probably to do something stupid.

[therealogoliviabenson4015]

Olivia jumped when Rafael’s glass hit the wall and shattered into a thousand little pieces. She had seen him get angry before but not like this. “Rafael, please. Calm down.” She pleaded with him but he wasn’t having it. She watched as Rafael was almost shaking with rage as he swore if he knew what happened back then he would have killed Lewis himself. Olivia, in this moment, was convinced the red-headed juror Rafael just threatened was number one on his list of people he wanted dead. Before Olivia could stop him, Rafael darted away from the table and towards the door.

“Rafael! Hey! Rafael! Come back!” Olivia called to him. She hoped he would turn back and decide to stay. But instead she saw him push his way out of the restaurant. Olivia cursed to herself. For a brief moment she wondered if she and Rafael were damaged beyond repair. Lying never worked for her. Ever.

You’re so pathetic. No wonder they all leave you. You’ll always have me, sweetheart. Olivia shuddered as she heard Lewis’ voice inside of her head. “No. You’re wrong,” She shook her head and muttered as she reached for her wallet.  She quickly placed a few twenties on the table. She needed to find Rafael. She needed to make sure he didn’t hurt anyone or even worse, himself tonight. Tonight was supposed to be about making sure they were okay and figuring out a way to be together tonight. At least that’s what Olivia had hoped would happen. But now Rafael was out to wreck havoc on New York City because of her.

Olivia moved her way through the patrons at the front of the restaurant. She tried not to shove them out of her way as she exited the building.  She frantically looked up and down the street trying to figure out which way Rafael took off. As she looked to her right, she spotted him about a block away. He was heading back towards 1 Hogan Place. Of course, Olivia thought. She knew he was heading that way to drink himself to oblivion without her. His sanctuary. She took off running in his direction. She needed to catch up to him before she lost sight of him.

 “Barba!” She called to him. Nothing. “Rafael! Wait! Stop!” She knew he heard her when his pace slowed so she could catch up to him. His back was to her. “Hey! What’s going on? You can’t just leave me like that,” She said slightly gasping for air. She reached out and gently grabbed his arm as Rafael turned around to face her. “Why did you leave like that? Lewis is dead. Fuck that red headed forewoman. She’s not worth losing you. Please.” Olivia searched Rafael’s face for some sort of answer. All she could see were tears forming in his eyes

Olivia stepped closer to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. She rested her head against his chest, feeling his warmth. Her embrace caught him off guard but to Olivia, it felt right. “Rafael,” she whispered his name almost like a sacred prayer, “How about instead of going back to your office or that restaurant, we just go to my place. It’s been awhile since you’ve been over and I have an unopened bottle of your favorite scotch. I think we both need each other tonight. And, honestly, after all that, I just don’t want to be alone. I want to be with you.”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

He didn’t know where he was walking to. He just needed to clear his head. He didn’t know if Olivia was going to come after him or not. He just needed this night to be over. Suddenly her voice was behind him, calling to him to stop and wait for her. He wanted to in his heart, he wanted to take her with him everywhere he went and keep her safe from the danger she put herself in. Then there was the part of him that wanted to push her away forever so he didn’t have to live with the anxiety of worrying about her day in and day out. Her footsteps were getting closer and he couldn’t decide if he wanted to disappear from her sight or if he wanted to stop and turn to face her. While deciding, he felt her hand grab his arm.

When he turned around from patting the attorney on the shoulder after showing him that his client wasn’t getting away with anything, Captain Harris was standing there with two women he’d never met before. He expected them to be victims, shy and worried, but instead he saw a blonde with insecurities and a brunette who with confidence. Immediately the thoughts of his current case left him and he wanted nothing more than to learn who the two women were. He dressed himself in a sly smile as he walked over to the Captain. 

“Take your daughters to work day?” Are you fucking kidding me? He thought to himself. Well there goes any shot of impressing anyone ever again. Harris introduced them as detectives Benson and Rollins. He was much less interested in Rollins who did not impress him in the least. But Benson, she looked like she had something to prove. He was also interested in why a woman of her confidence and probably intelligence combined with age, was still a detective and not a captain. But he was an attorney, and could ask those questions later.

“I lied and told them you know your way around a courtroom,” Harris cracked. Barba chuckled.

“Can’t promise anything,” he said still smiling at Detective Benson who looked incredibly skeptical. He wondered what kind of prosecutors she was used to working with.

“Mr. Barba, we have a case that Captain Harris and I would like you to take a look at.”

“What kind of charges are we looking at?”

“Well, that’s what we’re trying to find out.”

“What’s the issue?”

“High profile case, well-known vic and perp.” He looked around, knowing they were about to get into case details and ushered them back to his makeshift office. Detective Benson handed him the case file and he dropped it open in his hands as they walked. Harris said he’d wait outside while they talked and Barba opened his mouth to say that the blonde could do the same but he held back. As they walked into the office and he continued asking questions, he liked her more. He could tell she had experience and she was intelligent, she spoke for the victims. However, there was a side of her that was a little too soft and too consoling and he wondered how tough she was on the criminals. She wasn’t afraid to confront him and wasn’t afraid to speak her mind; they were similar that way. But there was also something lost about her, something he couldn’t place. It wouldn’t be for almost a year later that he would actually find out what it was. Hearing about the Jocelyn Paley case, there was a large part of him that wanted to take it to further his career, but he suddenly found a larger part that wanted to show her he could win.

He lost the first part of what she said because his mind was drowning in its own anger. He wanted to go back to that moment and do things differently. He’d rather have lost that case and made an idiot out of himself in front of her than lost the ones that made her a victim. He felt her wrap herself around him and the city disappeared, the noise, the traffic, it was only them. His anger turned to rage and red hot tears formed in his eyes. He wondered how much it would cost to hire someone to build him a time machine. Beyond his anguish he could hear something about going to her place for a drink and at this moment he couldn’t even process what that could possibly mean.

“I want to be with you” was the last thing he heard before he embraced her, turned her head, and pushed his lips onto hers. There was rage there, there was anger. He stopped thinking, he stopped caring. From “This is detectives Benson and Rollins,” to “I want to be with you” this was all that mattered out of everything they’d been through in between. He didn’t have emotions to share, he wasn’t able to tell her how he felt and it even made him feel weak and angry to say it to himself. So he only knew how to show it. Rage became passion when he had nothing left.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Brothers (Cont. 5)

@frederick-chilton-psychiatrist

Rafael waited with Mark, knowing his brother would be arriving soon. He didn’t want to argue with his brother anymore. He was going to have to accept that he wasn’t the same man he used to be. He’d been through hell and back and he was never going to be able to see the world the same way again. Rafael could relate in a different kind of way. Becoming a prosecutor introduces you to all kinds of disappointments in the human race. Seeing murderers walk free, seeing the innocent convicted.

Watching from the back of the bookstore, Fred walked in and Mark went to meet him. He watched them converse for a moment, hands in his pockets. Rafael could see the anxiety in his eyes. He knew that he always loved public attention and being recognized for his achievements but since Hannibal a lot had changed. He wasn’t the entitled, outgoing, pompous asshole that he once was. Rafael smiled at the thought, remembering spending two hours with him in a store trying to find a bullet-proof frame and glass for his doctorate certificate.

Mark began by addressing the audience on what they were about to hear. He went through Fred’s degrees and achievements as well as some of his personal struggles which he would imagine was difficult for him to hear.

“And to introduce our author, I want to present his brother, New York county assistant district attorney Rafael Barba.”

Rafael smiled, walking forward, not even able to imagine the look on Fred’s face at this surprise.

“Good afternoon and thank you Mark for that introduction. By the way, I have a law degree if anyone was wondering about all the cool stuff I’ve done.” Audience laughter. “Being a twin is hard. We’re always competing, we’re always arguing. Birthday parties when we were little sucked. Everyone had to get us the same present otherwise we would fight over them. But then if you got us the same present we felt like you weren’t treating us as individuals.” More audience laughter. “So our family was in a lose-lose situation. I remember the first time I was jealous of Fred. Like really jealous. It was in high school, eleventh grade. And he had started dating a girl named Lauren Sullivan. Of course, you guessed, I had the biggest crush on Lauren Sullivan. I wrote her notes. I called her frequently. I subpoenaed her to my bedroom. Nothing worked. But Fred. Fred got her. And I hated him. I tried to make his life hell. I even replaced his toothpaste with hemorrhoid cream.” Ooooohs from the audience. “In the end it didn’t matter. For all the times I wanted to kick him out of the house when I was angry or jealous, I regretted it the moment we both left for college. He went his way and I went mine. We both had the same goal which was to get as far away from our family as possible. We succeeded. Unfortunately, that meant each other too.” Rafael paused, feeling his brother’s eyes on his back. “I miss him. A lot. I miss him a lot and I’m sorry that I didn’t realize that until later. I’m sorry it took for me to see victims’ lives torn apart to realize how important family is. I’m sorry it took until tragedy befell our own family for me to reach out. And I’m sorry for pushing him away when I should have been there for him. Fred’s book teaches us that we can’t go back in time and redo the past. We can’t turn back time or talk to our younger selves; but we can learn from our mistakes and move forward. With that, I’d like to present to you my brother, my personal psychiatrist since I need one desperately, and my friend, Doctor Frederick Chilton.”

[quantifiably-adorable]

Frederick sat in a chair behind the little podium that had been set up and listened to Mark speak.  Mentioning his attacks, probably best to get past that now so people wouldn’t ask later, he presumed.  That had to have been the idea, because he told Mark no personal questions.  He had better remember that for the signing portion, Frederick mused.

He was taken aback though when his brother got up and spoke. Lauren Sullivan.  Fred remembered he had had a crush on her, but figured she would have gone for his brother.  Girls always noticed Rafael.  But for some reason, this girl wanted to date him.  Fred had been surprised to have a girl’s attentions, and they had dated briefly.  When he had realized his brother also liked her, it had brought him a small sense of pride, he felt like the cooler brother for once.  And perhaps, he may have rubbed it in Rafi’s face.  Fred felt his cheeks redden, that was cruel of him.  But then-switching out his toothpaste?  Jesus!  Frederick scowled at this.  But his face softened at his brother’s admission, that he missed him.  Why had Rafael not just said this?  He had missed his brother too, that’s why he had wanted to see him.  Fred knew how hard it must have been for Rafael to admit this.  And that he was apologizing meant a lot to Fred.

Frederick’s nerves were still high, as he took his cane and walked up to his brother.  He hadn’t expected to talk to Rafael again until after the reading, but now he was on the spot.  He smiled, reaching for his brother’s hand, and said, “Thank you Rafael.”

Freed cleared his throat, reaching for his reading glasses, that had been tucked in his jacket pocket.  “Well,” he said, laughing nervously as he put them on, “I didn’t know he needed psychiatry,” he joked, and the crowd laughed.  Fred smiled.  “No, he doesn’t, truly.  He does quite well for himself.  And, thank you, Rafael, for that speech,” he said, looking back at his brother, smiling.  “That,” he paused, feeling awkward with a crowd in front of him, “means a lot,” he said softly.

“Alright then,” he said, focusing back to the attendees.  “I am, as you know, Dr. Frederick Chilton, and I thank you all for coming,” he said.  “I’ll be reading a short passage from my book, and then signing copies.”

Frederick opened his book and read for a few minutes, relaxing as he started to do so.  The audience seemed entertained, and clapped when he finished.  “Thank you again,” he said, smiling.  “I am going to take a short break and then I will be at the table to your right for signatures.”

Frederick sighed, relieved that part went well, and walked back to greet his brother. 

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Rafael wondered if his brother was going to be pissed that he had spoken without consulting Fred first; but that would have spoiled the surprise. Turning to face his brother after talking, he was nervous to see his reaction. He was nervous that he had upset him or embarrassed him since that had been the theme of the day so far. Then again, he felt like what he said was truly heartfelt and he knew that his brother would feel that and appreciate it. 

Seeing his face as he shook his hand, Rafael swore he could see a couple drops in his brother’s eye and that told him that he had done what he meant to do. He watched Fred take the podium, a bit reserved at first and shy because he knew he was probably afraid the crowd was judging him. When Freddie turned around to thank him, he was the one who had to pull back his tears. He listening intently as his brother read from his book.

Laughing, Rafael got up and headed upstairs from the basement of the small house.

“Rafael, where are you going? You’re up!” Fred said, pointing to Rafael’s beer.

“I know, I know,” he said standing, wobbling a bit, “I’ll be right back.”

“Alright hurry up. If you’re not back in five you have to chug that whole thing.”

“Yeah, fuck you, Frederick.” He used the handrail to guide himself up the stairs towards the small kitchen. He could smell the alcohol throughout the house. Rafael wasn’t one for parties but he was visiting Fred at college and somehow he had gotten himself involved in a fraternity party where they were playing some absurd drinking game downstairs. He smiled at other guests as he headed up the next flight of stairs in the small townhouse, and then again until he reached the rooms in the attic where four beds were laid out, one of them being Fred’s. He passed by his bed, looking for the bathroom, thinking it would be cleaner since no one else would think to look up here for a restroom. On his way to the back he passed by Frederick’s unkempt bed and saw what looked like a stack of mail on his desk. He looked around again, checking to see if anyone else was up there but he could hear the party still continuing downstairs. He riffled through a couple opened papers and letters, wondering if he had been writing to their father. He accidentally dropped one of the letters about his research topic in the wastebasket next to his desk and he bent down to retrieve it. Shoved in the wastebasket were more opened letters. These, however, were crumpled up and some had tears in them. His brow furrowed, wondering what that was about. Again he checked his surroundings before reaching in and pulling them out. The first one was addressed to Mr. Frederick Barba from the University of Pennsylvania. The next was from Harvard Medical School, then Johns Hopkins University, and then the University of Washington. He quietly pulled out a letter from one of the opened, crumpled envelopes and read the letter. “We are sorry to inform you that you have not been accepted to the Perelman School of Medicine, Department of Surgery. We appreciate your application…” he stopped reading and opened the next one. Same message. Enclosing the letters in his hand he stomped down the stairs, back to the second floor, down to the first, through the crowd of people and then to the basement.

“Rafael!” Frederick yelled, “You’re late! Drink up!”

Rafael didn’t smile. Instead, he held up the crumpled envelopes in his hand. “Frederick,” he tilted his head to the side, poised on the stairs. “Why didn’t you tell me.”

He watched all the joy, life, and blood drain from his brother’s face.

Coming out of his reverie, Frederick had closed his book and was headed towards Rafael. He stood and shook his brother’s hand.

“Well done, Fred. I know how hard you worked on that book. You earned it.”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Of Friends and Lovers (Cont. 4)

@sgtoliviabenson4015

Rafael watched Olivia struggle with her words. She had a sharp tongue and a sharper mind and he admired both. She was trying to tell him about Tucker and he knew she was going to get defensive right away. He didn’t believe her words when she says it wasn’t serious and that they hadn’t…done something. Slept together? He tried not to snicker, letting her know he knew she was lying. 

Before he could call her on it she went on saying that she didn’t want to be with him and that she wanted him instead. He couldn’t express how long he’d waited to hear her say that but it made him nervous to hear. Was she only saying that because she was scared of what was happening with Ed? No, Ed isn’t necessarily a very powerful man but he does hold some clout. His job is to investigate those who investigate which means that he is privileged to information that others aren’t. Barba can bring up charges against a suspected rapist but Tucker can bring up charges against him; not that there was necessarily anything he needed to confess to, but the thought was unsettling nonetheless.

She wanted to call him during the hostage situation. Sure, sure she did. If she wanted to, wouldn’t she have done it? When he realized something was wrong he called her repeatedly but then he didn’t hear from her after that.

As she talked, his brain worked backwards as his finger circled the dew that had gathered on his glass. She was dating someone but it wasn’t serious. She was saying that she wasn’t sleeping with him. She wants to be with him but her face shows repulsion when she talks about him. She called him for comfort when she was in a horrifying, traumatic situation when he wasn’t the one who was there for her when she was held hostage before. She was asking, begging, for him not to push her away and yet that had been what she was doing for the past couple months with Ed. And in a moment of realization, every victim interview, every assault report, every survivor testimony came together in his mind and the blood drained from his face. He’d always suspected it but never dared bring it to her attention for fear that it would break her down even farther. But he had to know now. If they were ever going to move forward, if he was ever going to be what she needed him to be, he would need to know.

“Olivia, I went through the Lewis trial with you from day one. I made sure that I did everything in my power to keep you safe and yes, if I could go back in time and do things over I would. I took your word at face value every time I prepped you or took a statement. I never questioned your rendition of the events and I never prodded you to tell more than you needed to. If you don’t want me to push you away, you need to do the same for me.” He waited for a moment to make sure that she had taken in the first part of his question. “Lewis raped you, didn’t he.”

[therealogoliviabenson4015]

Olivia opened her mouth to try to respond to Rafael’s question. As she tried to speak, no sound came out. She adverted her eyes and lowered her head. She knew that at some point, she couldn’t hide from the truth any longer and at some point she would have to finally admit the truth about what happened those four days with William Lewis not only to herself but also to someone she truly cared for and loved. The nightmares, the flashbacks, pushing people away, it all had to stop; she had to free herself somehow. She could only truly heal if she had someone to bare witness to her pain. Rafael’s question and the tone of his voice caused the walls Olivia spent three years building to slowly crumble.

But she found herself back in that moment, back in her apartment, with Lewis right in front of her.

“Welcome home, Detective Benson…”

Olivia wrapped her arms around herself and tried to blink away the tears. She could hear Lewis in her head talking to herm tormenting her.

“Hey there she is! Big beautiful brown eyes…still feeling woozy huh? Come on, don’t be shy. We’re way past that….mmm you were so sweet when you were knocked out…”

She wanted to scream to make it stop. She looked up at Rafael; she could feel her body trembling as she tried to speak again, “Yes…yes he…he raped me.” Olivia bit her lip and closed her eyes. She didn’t know if she could handle Rafael’s reaction, “He raped me twice…once in my apartment and once in the bathroom of the beach house.” Olivia didn’t even recognize her own voice as she spoke. She sounded so weak, so despondent and she absolutely hated it. She rubbed her scar as her mind brought her back to the beach house. She remembered how Lewis dragged her into the bathroom and slammed her against the wall.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart? Why are you whimpering? Does it hurt? Too much vodka, huh? You need to go I see.” Lewis pressed himself up against her, “Before I let you go, you need to do something for me,” he slurred as he yanked her pants down, “That’s it, beautiful, you know how I like it. Yes! Struggle for me.” Olivia tried desperately to fight Lewis off but she failed.

Olivia’s voice hitched, “I know I lied to you and to everyone else about this. So many times…I just couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say it out loud. Saying it out loud makes it real. He took so much from me during those four days. I just wanted to forget and have control again.” Olivia took a minute to try to compose herself. She could feel herself slipping and losing that control she desperately needed. “I didn’t want people to see me as a victim, as fucked up and damaged. I work SVU. I should have been stopping the rapes, not getting raped. And Mrs. Mayer and her husband, that cop, I should have saved them. I failed them, Rafael. What does this all make me? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I yelled at you before the trial about the rape charges. I’m sorry for Tucker and for pushing you away when I needed you.”

 Olivia was sure that Rafael was going to leave her now. She felt as though she deserved it. She deserved to be punished for her mistakes, for her shame, and for her lies. Olivia couldn’t fight it any longer and let out a sob from deep within. The wall was completely shattered and broken now. Olivia Benson, product of her mother’s rape, mother to Noah, commander of Manhattan SVU, and a rape victim.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

*Trigger Warning: Mentions of Rape and Non-Consensual Sex*

Rafael watched her struggle in her seat. He watched her mind wrestle with itself, dredging up memories that he knew she had fought hard to repress. He tried to prevent his mind from going where her words went but they followed right along. He remembered the pictures of her scarred and beaten from Lewis. The pictures haunted him even as they sat in a case file. He could see Lewis push her legs apart as Rafael rubbed his forehead. His eyes squeezed shut and he moved his head uncomfortably trying to force the images away. She would have wanted to scream but couldn’t. Not again, not again, would be running through her mind and he wouldn’t be there. He wasn’t there to protect her. Not again, he thought.

He was trying to pay attention to her words. She was apologizing. He had no idea what she could possibly be apologizing for. Tears were about to fall down her face and he didn’t want to see her cry anymore. But he could only imagine that she was crying when he raped her, when she said no, when she said no again but then when she went quiet because there was nothing she could do and she knew screaming and spitting at him wasn’t going to do her any good.

He was shaking. He was going to break the glass in his hand. His thoughts roared. She was saying that she had failed, that she should be punished?

 He wanted to calmly comfort her and tell her everything was alright, he would help, he could fix this. But he couldn’t.

“…pushing you away when I needed you…”

His thoughts jerked suddenly and Lewis’ face was clear in his head, pressed against Olivia’s, a sickening smile splashed across his face, and her shriek of agony when he forced his body into hers…

Barba stood abruptly, swung, and sent his glass flying across the room by the back of his hand. It smashed into the wall, shattering with ferocity.

“If he wasn’t already dead I’d fucking kill him with my bare hands!” The restaurant was staring at him as was Olivia’s stunned face. The manager was on his way over

“Sir, I’m going to need you to-“

“Yeah? Fucking sue me,” he said getting in his face, laughing, “I dare you.”

He heard Olivia protest his audacity.

“I need air,” he said, storming past the manager. “And get me that jury foreperson on the phone so I can bring her up on charges of aiding and embedding, accessory to rape, and being a fucking worthless excuse for human life.” With that, he was out the door; probably to do something stupid.

[reidsbitch]

As I rewatch Barba episodes from when he first came on, anytime he is with Liv I just sit there and think….yes, let’s put her with Tucker, and not the man she had had sexual tension and chemistry with since the first episode. Let’s not put her with the guy who respects her but with the guy who has tried to end her career multiple times, that sounds like a GREAT writing decision

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

My heart...

[evilregal-sq-shipper]

Do you ever wish you could just watch a Fanfiction?

[littlereddove]

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Of Friends and Lovers (Cont. 4)

@sgtoliviabenson4015

Rafael watched Olivia struggle with her words. She had a sharp tongue and a sharper mind and he admired both. She was trying to tell him about Tucker and he knew she was going to get defensive right away. He didn’t believe her words when she says it wasn’t serious and that they hadn’t…done something. Slept together? He tried not to snicker, letting her know he knew she was lying. 

Before he could call her on it she went on saying that she didn’t want to be with him and that she wanted him instead. He couldn’t express how long he’d waited to hear her say that but it made him nervous to hear. Was she only saying that because she was scared of what was happening with Ed? No, Ed isn’t necessarily a very powerful man but he does hold some clout. His job is to investigate those who investigate which means that he is privileged to information that others aren’t. Barba can bring up charges against a suspected rapist but Tucker can bring up charges against him; not that there was necessarily anything he needed to confess to, but the thought was unsettling nonetheless.

She wanted to call him during the hostage situation. Sure, sure she did. If she wanted to, wouldn’t she have done it? When he realized something was wrong he called her repeatedly but then he didn’t hear from her after that.

As she talked, his brain worked backwards as his finger circled the dew that had gathered on his glass. She was dating someone but it wasn’t serious. She was saying that she wasn’t sleeping with him. She wants to be with him but her face shows repulsion when she talks about him. She called him for comfort when she was in a horrifying, traumatic situation when he wasn’t the one who was there for her when she was held hostage before. She was asking, begging, for him not to push her away and yet that had been what she was doing for the past couple months with Ed. And in a moment of realization, every victim interview, every assault report, every survivor testimony came together in his mind and the blood drained from his face. He’d always suspected it but never dared bring it to her attention for fear that it would break her down even farther. But he had to know now. If they were ever going to move forward, if he was ever going to be what she needed him to be, he would need to know.

“Olivia, I went through the Lewis trial with you from day one. I made sure that I did everything in my power to keep you safe and yes, if I could go back in time and do things over I would. I took your word at face value every time I prepped you or took a statement. I never questioned your rendition of the events and I never prodded you to tell more than you needed to. If you don’t want me to push you away, you need to do the same for me.” He waited for a moment to make sure that she had taken in the first part of his question. “Lewis raped you, didn’t he.”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Brothers (Cont. 5)

@frederick-chilton-psychiatrist

Rafael waited with Mark, knowing his brother would be arriving soon. He didn’t want to argue with his brother anymore. He was going to have to accept that he wasn’t the same man he used to be. He’d been through hell and back and he was never going to be able to see the world the same way again. Rafael could relate in a different kind of way. Becoming a prosecutor introduces you to all kinds of disappointments in the human race. Seeing murderers walk free, seeing the innocent convicted.

Watching from the back of the bookstore, Fred walked in and Mark went to meet him. He watched them converse for a moment, hands in his pockets. Rafael could see the anxiety in his eyes. He knew that he always loved public attention and being recognized for his achievements but since Hannibal a lot had changed. He wasn’t the entitled, outgoing, pompous asshole that he once was. Rafael smiled at the thought, remembering spending two hours with him in a store trying to find a bullet-proof frame and glass for his doctorate certificate.

Mark began by addressing the audience on what they were about to hear. He went through Fred’s degrees and achievements as well as some of his personal struggles which he would imagine was difficult for him to hear.

“And to introduce our author, I want to present his brother, New York county assistant district attorney Rafael Barba.”

Rafael smiled, walking forward, not even able to imagine the look on Fred’s face at this surprise.

“Good afternoon and thank you Mark for that introduction. By the way, I have a law degree if anyone was wondering about all the cool stuff I’ve done.” Audience laughter. “Being a twin is hard. We’re always competing, we’re always arguing. Birthday parties when we were little sucked. Everyone had to get us the same present otherwise we would fight over them. But then if you got us the same present we felt like you weren’t treating us as individuals.” More audience laughter. “So our family was in a lose-lose situation. I remember the first time I was jealous of Fred. Like really jealous. It was in high school, eleventh grade. And he had started dating a girl named Lauren Sullivan. Of course, you guessed, I had the biggest crush on Lauren Sullivan. I wrote her notes. I called her frequently. I subpoenaed her to my bedroom. Nothing worked. But Fred. Fred got her. And I hated him. I tried to make his life hell. I even replaced his toothpaste with hemorrhoid cream.” Ooooohs from the audience. “In the end it didn’t matter. For all the times I wanted to kick him out of the house when I was angry or jealous, I regretted it the moment we both left for college. He went his way and I went mine. We both had the same goal which was to get as far away from our family as possible. We succeeded. Unfortunately, that meant each other too.” Rafael paused, feeling his brother’s eyes on his back. “I miss him. A lot. I miss him a lot and I’m sorry that I didn’t realize that until later. I’m sorry it took for me to see victims’ lives torn apart to realize how important family is. I’m sorry it took until tragedy befell our own family for me to reach out. And I’m sorry for pushing him away when I should have been there for him. Fred’s book teaches us that we can’t go back in time and redo the past. We can’t turn back time or talk to our younger selves; but we can learn from our mistakes and move forward. With that, I’d like to present to you my brother, my personal psychiatrist since I need one desperately, and my friend, Doctor Frederick Chilton.”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Of Friends and Lovers (Cont.)

Thread 1 Found Here Thread 2 Found Here

@sgtoliviabenson4015

He looked down at their fingers interlocked and his mind panicked. Gently, he pulled his hands from hers and ran one down his face with the other on his hip.

“Olivia, I…” he didn’t know what to do. He’d run after her, yes, he’d found her, yes, he let her know how he felt, yes, but what does all this mean now? “I don’t know if I can handle that.” His face grew stern as he fought his own defensiveness. He looked around on the street, at the people walking by. What a city. Everything that was between Olivia and him right now and no one knew.

“How about dinner tonight?” he said finally. He did want to see her but he didn’t want to talk about anything uncomfortable. She was glad he’d come after her. That was an interesting statement. It was interesting how he immediately ran after her without question and kissing her felt like the home he’d never had but now standing here with her he felt like running back up to his office and burying himself in work. “Then again,” he said, “I’m sure you have a date with Ed and seeing as I’ve already crossed enough boundaries today, I wouldn’t want to impose. I’m sorry I don’t…I don’t know what I was thinking.” He tucked his hands in his pockets and looked over at the courthouse, the other place he considered home. 

[therealogoliviabenson4015]

As Rafael pulled his hands from hers, Olivia’s stomach dropped. She couldn’t understand why he was retreating. He came looking for her. He had to care for her. Why was he all of the sudden getting defensive with her? Olivia bit her lip. She didn’t want him to see her lip quivering. She wished they weren’t standing on the sidewalk right now. She felt so vulnerable right now, so exposed. She watched Rafael, as he looked away watching people passing them. She could sense he was struggling with his emotions. How did they get to this point, she wondered.

Olivia’s heart fluttered at Rafael’s suggestion. Dinner tonight with Rafael Barba, Olivia wanted that. She even smiled at the thought. She wanted to spend the evening with him. She needed to tell him how he made her feel no matter how difficult it was and that she meant it when she said she loved him. She owed him this. But then when he took back his invitation because of Tucker, Olivia felt sick.

“Rafael, I want to have dinner with you tonight. Come over to my place and let’s order some food from that Chinese place we love so much. Don’t worry about Tucker. This isn’t about him,” Olivia paused and hesitated. She watched him shove his hands in his pockets and look back towards his sanctuary, the courthouse. She was on the verge of losing him again. She ran her fingers through her hair, “Tucker and I…” Olivia sighed, “Look, we’re…Rafael, I promise you it’s not serious. He can wait. Tonight needs to be about us. I need you.”

Olivia wanted to grab him and kiss him again. Hold on to him and never let go and feel his warmth. She wanted it all to last forever. This feeling was where everything felt right and for the first time in her life, Olivia felt like she was home. She meant what she said before that nothing else mattered. Just him. She felt the tears returning to her eyes and she reached up to try to wipe them away.

“Please. Please come home tonight,” Olivia whispered as she reached out for him. Her voice wavered as she was desperately trying to not to cry.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Rafael’s mind spun. Deposition questions flew through his head. Did you have sexual relations with Lieutenant Benson? Why? Why? Were you aware this brings all of your cases with SVU into jeopardy? Were you aware of the ramifications of having sexual contact with someone you work with directly? Do you understand the reasons you are being excused from the District Attorney’s Office at this time? He closed his eyes and looked up, not sure what his feet wanted him to do. He hated to see her cry. He hated to see anyone cry except someone who was going away for life and deserved it but not Olivia. He had seen her go through too much and she didn’t deserve another moment of pain in her life. But what could he do to take it away without hurting her?

Reflexively, he reached up, using his thumb to wipe a single tear drop from her cheek. His exterior was stone-cold, but his heart was melting inside. He swallowed involuntarily.

“I don’t think take-out is a good idea tonight. Let’s meet at Cafe Un Deux Trois at 6th and 44th. Dinner’s on me.” He wanted to say something about her comment to not worry about Tucker. How is he supposed to not worry about him? He wanted to address it with her but couldn’t bring himself to say his name. Perhaps they could talk about it tonight.

She’d asked him to come home. No one had ever asked him that before. No one had ever made him feel that way before. He could see himself finding a home with her, feeling comfortable holding her at home, but it was too much for the moment. He knew if he went home with her they wouldn’t be doing a lot of talking and he wasn’t ready for that. Insane deposition questions flooded him again. Did you go to Ms. Benson’s apartment with the intention of sleeping with her? Were you aware she was married to Ed Tucker and you were committing adultery? How many exchanges of sentences did you have before you took her clothes off? Did she consent? Did you ask? Did she say no? Are you sure?!

“I’ll see you tonight,” he said finally, breaking through his barrage of thoughts. A quick fleeting thought of him reaching forward and taking her tear-stained chin, bringing it level with his and embracing her with a kiss again fluttered through his mind. In response, he nodded, turned on his heel, and headed back to his office.

Approaching the steps to his building, he ran his fingers through his hair and let out a deep breath. Anyone who knew Barba knew the only time he ever touched his hair during the day was to fix it. Otherwise, something must be wrong.

[therealogoliviabenson4015]

As Rafael wiped away the lone teardrop from her cheek, Olivia closed her eyes. She wanted to remember how soft his touch was. She wasn’t sure if a moment like this would ever happen again so she needed to burn it in her brain to make it last a lifetime.

She watched Rafael retreat back to the sanctity of his office. She decided that she would make her way over to the restaurant and give him some space. Olivia had a feeling that what was coming next for them was going to be emotional and intense. He needed time to collect her thoughts and so did she. As she walked down the street, she got lost in her thoughts. She wondered how things turned so fast. Her original intention was to go over there and yell at him for his snide comment from earlier. Then she figured they would share a drink and laugh at something ridiculous Carisi said or did. But instead it went to a place that neither one of them expected. Transfers, confessions, repressed emotions, kisses, tears, and a yearning make a home, and the night wasn’t over. God knows where they are going. One thing, Olivia thought, there was no turning back.

As Olivia navigated her way through the streets of Manhattan, she started thinking about what she needed to say to Rafael. This was her chance. Perhaps her one and only shot. She thought back to the first time she realized she felt something deeper for him. It was a case regarding a sports reporter who was raped by her cameraman. Rafael fought so hard for her and her child. The case hit too close to home for Olivia but Rafael seemed to understand even without asking or uttering a word. He simply nodded his head and didn’t look at Olivia with pity or horror. He looked at her with the same level of trust and respect. It was then things began to change. But then there was Brian and then Lewis, and her…Olivia refused to let the “r” word even enter her thoughts even after all this time. She tried to tell herself she was okay and passed it all. She was a mom now after all. And then there was Tucker. As if it was some sort of sign, Olivia’s phone began to ring. “Fuck,” she swore. It was Ed. She had to answer it or else he would keep calling.

“Hey Ed…no I’m okay. Just working late tonight on our current case. I needed to meet with Barba to go over some things…I don’t feel like going out to dinner tonight. No, I don’t want company at home. Noah’s okay. I just need some space right now,” Olivia sighed in frustration, “Look, I’m fine I swear. I don’t know what you’re talking about that. Everything is okay. I’m not upset with you or anything. I need to go. I will call you later. Good night, Ed.” Olivia ended the call as fast as she could. She didn’t need this right now from him.

God she needed a drink. Olivia couldn’t have arrived at the restaurant fast enough. She opted to sit at the bar and drink a glass of red wine before Rafael arrived. She needed to get the uneasy feeling of her phone conversation with Tucker out of her mind. Tonight needed to be about her and Rafael. This was where she needed to be and nowhere else. Olivia looked towards the door and smiled as Rafael walked him. He looked handsome and dapper as always. She downed the rest of her wine. Here we go, she thought.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

The feeling of his hand on her cheek was electrifying and it took everything he had not to hold it there. His own fear, his own uncertainty caused him to turn quickly and retreat back to what he knew best, where he had the most control, where he felt safe; his office. Carmen could tell something was wrong the moment he walked in, brusquely storming into his office and shutting his door behind him. He paced. Hands on his hips. A couple deep breaths. Fingers through his hair. Jacket off. He was suddenly sweating.

What were you thinking? You kissed her! Come on, get it together. How hard have you worked for this job, this life, and you’ll throw it all away for a conflict of interest. How many times he had told coworkers that they were idiots for becoming involved with each other and here he was, the biggest hypocrite of all. Thoughts took over him, memories of their time together, laughing having drinks, comforting her, feeling like she was the only person who put him in his place and yet he was afraid of what that meant for him. For them?!

And so he did what he knew how to do best: he sat down at his desk. Angrily. Using anger to cover all the emotions he didn’t want to feel at the moment. He made calls. He made appointments. Subpoenas, affidavits, depositions and dossiers. He typed them up, added them to files, signed and submitted. He did anything he could to keep himself from thinking. He realized that he knew exactly what time it was and he didn’t want to be late but at the same time he kind of wanted to be. This was really going to happen. Should he have prepared a question tree?

By the time he got to the restaurant he just needed a drink as soon as possible. Walking in, against the better judgment of his feet which had almost walked him past the restaurant, he saw Olivia at the bar and flashed a smile of recognition which faded quickly into a furrow.

“Hi,” he said, taking a seat next to her at the bar. He could see had just finished a glass of red wine, her favorite. He pointed to her glass to indicate to the bartender to pour her another. Meanwhile he ordered himself a double. He kept his eyes on his drink even though he could feel hers resting on him. “In other news, I sent out the subpoenas for the priests and bishops. I would love to see the reactions on their faces.” The reaction on Olivia’s didn’t change. He nodded slightly. “How is my avoiding the topic working out so far?”

[therealogoliviabenson4015]

Olivia watched Rafael sit down next to her. She smiled to herself because she knew right away what he was going to order. Macallan’s 18, a double, neat. It was his go to drink every time when they were together. She thinks back to all those times he ordered it when they went out for drinks or dinner. Sometimes to celebrate a victory in court, sometimes to drink the pain of defeat away. Then there were the other times. Sometimes they got together because it was the only way to keep their inner demons at bay. Unspoken words and years of heartache from their childhoods marked by abuse to the horrors of SVU cases. To Olivia, Rafael was the only one who truly got it; whatever it was.

She tried to remember the last time she truly saw him smile. It had been too long. The last memory she had of him smiling was the day they celebrated Noah’s adoption. She poured him a glass of 25 year old scotch. She bought the bottle just for him. He tried to protest because it was so expensive. She squeezed his hand as she told him that he deserved it because this day was special. Olivia thanked him for all that he did to help her and Noah. His smile was sincere and warm. Olivia, right now, would give anything to see that smile again. It all felt like a lifetime ago.

Rafael was trying desperately to avoid talking about issues they came here for. The cases, warrants, subpoenas were the farthest things from Olivia’s mind. She shook her head, as she spoke, “You know, Rafael, you aren’t fooling anyone right now. We all know you’re deflecting. Look I got us a table in the back so we can have some privacy and talk. I figured it was best if we were alone. I hope that’s okay.”

Olivia pushed herself off the barstool and reached out for Rafael’s hand. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it gently. His hand felt soft yet rough in hers. His hand fit hers perfectly; everything about this felt right. She slowly led him to the back where their table was set up.

As they sat down, they looked at each other in an uncomfortable silence, each waiting for the other to speak first. Olivia’s heart was racing and she felt almost sick to her stomach. She found herself inadvertently rubbing a scar on her right wrist. It was a nervous tick she developed since Lewis attacked her. Olivia swallowed hard and took the first step, “We need to do this. We need to talk. No matter how uncomfortable this is for us. You have no idea how hard this is for me and I hate feeling so vulnerable right now. But I meant what I said before, Rafael. I don’t say those words unless I mean them. And I do. I love you.”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Mildly NSFW

He could see her mind taking her back farther, looking into the past. He wanted to know what she was thinking about; he wanted to know what she was remembering about him.

When she told him he wasn’t fooling anyone, it was something he was hoping she wouldn’t notice. He was trying to fool himself and probably doing a better job at that than fooling her. When she said she had arranged a more secluded table for them, he felt mixed feelings. Rafael was used to things being on record. When he was having a conversation with someone, he was used to it being recorded or having someone hanging on his every word to see if there was a plea deal in it somewhere. But with Olivia, he was out of his element. Talking-to-someone-you-have-feelings-for was not a Harvard class unfortunately. He hoped his defensive nature didn’t take over completely and push her away.

His hand in her hand was more than he expected it to be. He was half-hoping that it would feel strange and he would yank it away but it felt comfortable and trusting. He tried to ignore the thoughts and concentrate on walking with her to the back of the restaurant. As his feet moved under him, following behind her, his mind took him back to a couple weeks ago. Sitting in his office, sipping scotch together. He had hoped more would have happened that night and it hadn’t. She’d kept it professional despite him having difficulties with doing so. His phone had gone off at a good time or he would have been leaning in to kiss her. After she’d left for the night, he was frustrated, angry. He didn’t want to admit to the word lonely, but that was in there too. He’d taken a cab across town, found a secluded bar. A woman was wearing a leather jacket and dark jeans, similar to the person he had recently been sitting next to. She must have been in her early 30’s. She had already had enough to drink and with his buzz it wasn’t hard for him to say all the right things. He found himself at her place, not far from the bar. Every time she spoke he had to convince himself it was Olivia’s voice instead of her winy drunk one. Clothes found the floor and they found her unkempt bed. Her apartment smelled odd and he saw the signs of a boyfriend or husband. He’d had too much to drink on purpose so he could easily manipulate his mind into her being someone else. They spent time drunkenly fucking until they were sweaty and disgusting. After her third time getting off she was practically asleep. Having sweated out water but not the alcohol, the room was still spinning. His blood now thinned, he hadn’t even come once. She was asleep with her wild, wet hair in her face as he lay next to her. He tried touching himself, picturing hours ago, Olivia on his couch, leaning over to kiss her, fumbling with her clothes and fucking her until they came together but hearing the woman begin to snore next to him, his erection was lost and he ran his fingers through his hair, swearing. He half needed to sleep, half needed to finish himself although inside he was needing for Olivia to do it for him. He shook his head, trying to wipe the thought from his head. You’re disgusting, he told himself, getting up. Rafael gathered his clothes and left quickly, passing people he would probably be soon prosecuting on the stairway down to the street. Catching a cab home, he couldn’t even sleep out of disappointment and anger.

They were sitting before he was out of his reverie. He watched her rub a scar on her arm that Lewis gave her. He’d seen her do it before when she was nervous or anxious. Listening to her talk about her feeling vulnerable made him feel horrible about himself for putting her in this position. He fumbled with his glass.

“I love you,” she’d said.

His heart dropped onto the floor next to his shoes.

“Please, don’t say that,” Barba said automatically to her, keeping his eyes on his drink and not on her. “Olivia…” he didn’t how to say it, and part of him didn’t even want to. He felt the blood drain from his face, he felt bile rise from his stomach. “I know.” Rafael looked up into her tearful eyes. “I know about Ed.”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Brothers (Cont4.)

[quantifiably-adorable]

Frederick couldn’t believe what he was hearing.   Did his brother ever know him at all?  Telling Frederick he had changed, that was rich.   He didn’t understand how his brother worked with assault victims.   He flew off the handle so easily. 

He became more and more enraged as Rafael continued.  He had let Hannibal change him?  Frederick already felt guilty for not being able to protect Carolyn and their baby, why did his brother keep bringing it up?  Just a short while ago Rafael had told him to forget the past. 

Then Rafael had compared Fred to their father.   Frederick could barely see for his hurt and rage at this comment.   He bit back a scream, fighting back another wave of nausea. 

Frederick gripped his cane so tightly his knuckles began to turn white, and he grit his teeth.  He took several deep breaths, and walked closer to his brother standing at the window.

“I am the same person I always was, Rafael” he said tightly, his voice riddled with hurt and anger.

Frederick walked away from his brother, heading for the bathroom.  He needed to clean up and a break from Rafael.  His mind was still reeling at the cruel things his brother had yelled at him. 

He stopped at the bathroom door, his hand on the handle.  “I grew up Rafael,” he said quietly.  “Perhaps if you do the same, you will have something other than the law to keep you warm at night,” he said, his voice icy and even, entering the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. 

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Watching his brother grip his cane and his knuckles turn white he realized he was doing the same thing with his own fists. He watched Fred move towards him and he didn’t move, he wanted to appear untouched by his own harsh words. He could hear the hurt and anger in his brother’s voice and part of him wanted to embrace him and tell him he was sorry and he never wanted to hurt him but at the same time he wanted him to feel pain like he had.

He watched him put his hand on the bathroom door handle and heard him verbally dig his nails into his heart. Barba felt himself grow smaller as he set his jaw and upturned his head as if to show defiance. But in an instance Fred was gone, door slammed, into the bathroom.

His mind was white like his knuckles. Hot anger seared through his veins. He closed his eyes, setting his jaw and grinding his teeth against themselves. He paced towards the bathroom and back again, running his hands through his hair, tossing his suit jacket on the bed and loosening his tie. He undid his cuffs and rolled up his sleeves as his fury made him sweat.

Who the fuck does he think he is? He has no idea what my life is like. Fred’s last quip stung deep. His voice had dripped icicles, knowing where he could hurt Rafael the most. Then again, that’s what you get for being brothers; they know just how to hurt the other person. He almost literally bit his tongue, trying not to say anything he would regret, but Fred had crossed the line. He could hear the running water in the bathroom and even though he couldn’t see him, he knew his was listening. Being a psychiatrist, he had no idea what his brother was thinking of him but his thoughts weren’t put together enough to consider his psychoanalyses.

“You grew up Frederick? You were the one who ran away. You ran off to school, ran down to Baltimore. You left. Gone. You fucking changed your name. You want to talk about running from your problems? Start with yourself. Don’t pretend to come up here and judge my life, Chilton.” He was sure whoever was in the next room at the hotel could hear his entire conversation. The comment about the law keeping him warm at night flipped a final switch. “You don’t come here to my jurisdiction, my district, and judge me or who I am, who I love, and who I fuck. I’m sorry if you think I protect the law better than I ever protected you. But at least I protect the law better than you…” He froze mid-sentence, his finger pointed at the bathroom door, sweat beads on his forehead, jawline set. He let out his breath and dropped his arm. The water had stopped. He’d hit a line not even he could cross.

TRIGGER WARNING: PAST ABUSE

Keep reading

Rafael stood for a moment, unsure about how to feel about what he had almost said. He hadn’t invited his brother here to hurt him. He could hear that his brother was out of the shower and getting ready. He had no idea how much of his rant he had heard but it suddenly made him nervous to know. Rafael paced, waiting for him to alight from the bathroom. He knew he was going to be angry. When he did finally appear, he didn’t even make eye contact with Rafael as he made his way to sit down on the bed. He looked exhausted.

Leave?! He wants me to leave? Rafael laughed out loud.

“Fine, Frederick, you rest. I wouldn’t want to you to overexert yourself by thinking too much.” Rafael reached over, picking up his suit jacket from the bed and slamming the door behind him as he left. He didn’t even take the elevator. He wanted the walk down the stairs. Checking his phone, he’d gotten a call from Carmen regarding the pysch eval. He’d much rather have it done by someone in his office that he trusted than someone the defense hires. He was hoping that Fred would be up for the job, any way to show his prowess. But it didn’t look like that was going to be happening.

Once outside, he thought about what he could do. He still wanted to go to the book signing. In fact, he still wanted to spend time with Fred and was confused at what was making him so sad. It was like everything he said and did was wrong. Fred hadn’t even asked how his job was. He didn’t even ask about his life, about his wants, dreams. He assumed he was single and had nothing to do all day but make Fred’s life miserable. There was a pang of jealousy for Fred’s married life. But he wiped that away from his head and caught a taxi to the jewelers.

“Mr. Barba!” Rafael smiled brightly at Johnson, the owner of a mom-and-pop jewelry shop that Rafael trusted above all else. “I didn’t expect you! You told me your brother was coming I think? Are you here to get your class ring shined?”

Rafael leaned on the counter in front of Johnson who leaned back.

“You look rough, Rafael. Court?”

“No, actually it’s my brother. He’s not the same person I remember and I can’t seem to make anything right.”

“Why what happened?”

Rafael sighed. “Well, everything was fine when he got here but I had no idea what physical condition he would be in. I knew he was a little crimpled from some horrifying experiences but he’s a psychiatrist and I thought he would be more like his normal self. And you know me Johnson, as soon as someone gets emotional I’m lost. I can’t even handle crying witnesses.”

“Never get married, Rafael.”

Barba smiled. Then frowned. “Well, actually that’s the other thing. So he’s married. And his wife is his whole world and look, they’ve been through a lot and I respect that but he lives with her all the time and we never get to see each other. I wish he cared about me even half what he cared about her.”

“Grow a vagina, Rafael. It’s his wife. You come second.” Johnson turned to get the ring sitting behind the counter.

“I feel like I come twentieth!”

“Show the guy some compassion, Barba. Maybe he’s not acting like the brother you once knew because he’s not anymore. Adjust a little.”

Rafael thought for a moment about what he said while he showed him the ring. It looked stunning. He knew Fred would love it.

“Frederick already paid for it. Tell you what, I’ll throw in a box and wrapping free of charge.”

“I appreciate that, Johnson. And, you know what, refund his card and use mine.”

“For everything?”

“Yeah, everything. All the alterations and the cleaning.” Rafael looked at his watch. “I have a book signing to get to.”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Brothers (Cont4.)

Previous Thread Found Here

@frederick-chilton-psychiatrist

“You know what Fred, I fucking give up. What’s your problem? You’re not the person I remember. Hannibal can take parts of you physically and he can try and take things you love but he can’t take you away from yourself unless you let him. And you have.” Rafael didn’t know how else to tell Frederick how he felt. Everything he did was wrong. Every time he tried to suggest something to help he was shot down.

“I will call the jeweler and have the ring delivered here. I suggested you call Carolyn to lift your spirits. I don’t know what else I can do for you. If you don’t want me to be here just tell me, but don’t fucking snap at me. I have better things to do with my time. You’re as pompous as our father.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted them. Rafael walked over to the window that overlooked his city. He put his hand on his hip while running one through his hair. He sighed deeply.

“I’m sorry I don’t know about your dietary restrictions. I don’t know you anymore. And you’re right that that’s half my fault for not keeping in contact enough. But give me a chance here.” He paused for a moment, not knowing what else to say, not knowing how else to feel. “Give me a chance to be your brother. You’re already here. Just trust me for once. I’m not going to walk out on you like dad did. I’m here, Fred. I’m right here. I’m not here to judge you. I’m not here to cross-examine you. But you have to give me an inch here.”

[quantifiably-adorable]

Frederick couldn’t believe what he was hearing.   Did his brother ever know him at all?  Telling Frederick he had changed, that was rich.   He didn’t understand how his brother worked with assault victims.   He flew off the handle so easily. 

He became more and more enraged as Rafael continued.  He had let Hannibal change him?  Frederick already felt guilty for not being able to protect Carolyn and their baby, why did his brother keep bringing it up?  Just a short while ago Rafael had told him to forget the past. 

Then Rafael had compared Fred to their father.   Frederick could barely see for his hurt and rage at this comment.   He bit back a scream, fighting back another wave of nausea. 

Frederick gripped his cane so tightly his knuckles began to turn white, and he grit his teeth.  He took several deep breaths, and walked closer to his brother standing at the window.

“I am the same person I always was, Rafael” he said tightly, his voice riddled with hurt and anger.

Frederick walked away from his brother, heading for the bathroom.  He needed to clean up and a break from Rafael.  His mind was still reeling at the cruel things his brother had yelled at him. 

He stopped at the bathroom door, his hand on the handle.  “I grew up Rafael,” he said quietly.  “Perhaps if you do the same, you will have something other than the law to keep you warm at night,” he said, his voice icy and even, entering the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. 

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Watching his brother grip his cane and his knuckles turn white he realized he was doing the same thing with his own fists. He watched Fred move towards him and he didn’t move, he wanted to appear untouched by his own harsh words. He could hear the hurt and anger in his brother’s voice and part of him wanted to embrace him and tell him he was sorry and he never wanted to hurt him but at the same time he wanted him to feel pain like he had.

He watched him put his hand on the bathroom door handle and heard him verbally dig his nails into his heart. Barba felt himself grow smaller as he set his jaw and upturned his head as if to show defiance. But in an instance Fred was gone, door slammed, into the bathroom.

His mind was white like his knuckles. Hot anger seared through his veins. He closed his eyes, setting his jaw and grinding his teeth against themselves. He paced towards the bathroom and back again, running his hands through his hair, tossing his suit jacket on the bed and loosening his tie. He undid his cuffs and rolled up his sleeves as his fury made him sweat.

Who the fuck does he think he is? He has no idea what my life is like. Fred’s last quip stung deep. His voice had dripped icicles, knowing where he could hurt Rafael the most. Then again, that’s what you get for being brothers; they know just how to hurt the other person. He almost literally bit his tongue, trying not to say anything he would regret, but Fred had crossed the line. He could hear the running water in the bathroom and even though he couldn’t see him, he knew his was listening. Being a psychiatrist, he had no idea what his brother was thinking of him but his thoughts weren’t put together enough to consider his psychoanalyses.

“You grew up Frederick? You were the one who ran away. You ran off to school, ran down to Baltimore. You left. Gone. You fucking changed your name. You want to talk about running from your problems? Start with yourself. Don’t pretend to come up here and judge my life, Chilton.” He was sure whoever was in the next room at the hotel could hear his entire conversation. The comment about the law keeping him warm at night flipped a final switch. “You don’t come here to my jurisdiction, my district, and judge me or who I am, who I love, and who I fuck. I’m sorry if you think I protect the law better than I ever protected you. But at least I protect the law better than you…” He froze mid-sentence, his finger pointed at the bathroom door, sweat beads on his forehead, jawline set. He let out his breath and dropped his arm. The water had stopped. He’d hit a line not even he could cross.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Brothers (Cont4.)

Previous Thread Found Here

@frederick-chilton-psychiatrist

“You know what Fred, I fucking give up. What’s your problem? You’re not the person I remember. Hannibal can take parts of you physically and he can try and take things you love but he can’t take you away from yourself unless you let him. And you have.” Rafael didn’t know how else to tell Frederick how he felt. Everything he did was wrong. Every time he tried to suggest something to help he was shot down.

“I will call the jeweler and have the ring delivered here. I suggested you call Carolyn to lift your spirits. I don’t know what else I can do for you. If you don’t want me to be here just tell me, but don’t fucking snap at me. I have better things to do with my time. You’re as pompous as our father.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted them. Rafael walked over to the window that overlooked his city. He put his hand on his hip while running one through his hair. He sighed deeply.

“I’m sorry I don’t know about your dietary restrictions. I don’t know you anymore. And you’re right that that’s half my fault for not keeping in contact enough. But give me a chance here.” He paused for a moment, not knowing what else to say, not knowing how else to feel. “Give me a chance to be your brother. You’re already here. Just trust me for once. I’m not going to walk out on you like dad did. I’m here, Fred. I’m right here. I’m not here to judge you. I’m not here to cross-examine you. But you have to give me an inch here.”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Of Friends and Lovers (Cont.)

Thread 1 Found Here Thread 2 Found Here

@sgtoliviabenson4015

He looked down at their fingers interlocked and his mind panicked. Gently, he pulled his hands from hers and ran one down his face with the other on his hip.

“Olivia, I…” he didn’t know what to do. He’d run after her, yes, he’d found her, yes, he let her know how he felt, yes, but what does all this mean now? “I don’t know if I can handle that.” His face grew stern as he fought his own defensiveness. He looked around on the street, at the people walking by. What a city. Everything that was between Olivia and him right now and no one knew.

“How about dinner tonight?” he said finally. He did want to see her but he didn’t want to talk about anything uncomfortable. She was glad he’d come after her. That was an interesting statement. It was interesting how he immediately ran after her without question and kissing her felt like the home he’d never had but now standing here with her he felt like running back up to his office and burying himself in work. “Then again,” he said, “I’m sure you have a date with Ed and seeing as I’ve already crossed enough boundaries today, I wouldn’t want to impose. I’m sorry I don’t…I don’t know what I was thinking.” He tucked his hands in his pockets and looked over at the courthouse, the other place he considered home. 

[therealogoliviabenson4015]

As Rafael pulled his hands from hers, Olivia’s stomach dropped. She couldn’t understand why he was retreating. He came looking for her. He had to care for her. Why was he all of the sudden getting defensive with her? Olivia bit her lip. She didn’t want him to see her lip quivering. She wished they weren’t standing on the sidewalk right now. She felt so vulnerable right now, so exposed. She watched Rafael, as he looked away watching people passing them. She could sense he was struggling with his emotions. How did they get to this point, she wondered.

Olivia’s heart fluttered at Rafael’s suggestion. Dinner tonight with Rafael Barba, Olivia wanted that. She even smiled at the thought. She wanted to spend the evening with him. She needed to tell him how he made her feel no matter how difficult it was and that she meant it when she said she loved him. She owed him this. But then when he took back his invitation because of Tucker, Olivia felt sick.

“Rafael, I want to have dinner with you tonight. Come over to my place and let’s order some food from that Chinese place we love so much. Don’t worry about Tucker. This isn’t about him,” Olivia paused and hesitated. She watched him shove his hands in his pockets and look back towards his sanctuary, the courthouse. She was on the verge of losing him again. She ran her fingers through her hair, “Tucker and I…” Olivia sighed, “Look, we’re…Rafael, I promise you it’s not serious. He can wait. Tonight needs to be about us. I need you.”

Olivia wanted to grab him and kiss him again. Hold on to him and never let go and feel his warmth. She wanted it all to last forever. This feeling was where everything felt right and for the first time in her life, Olivia felt like she was home. She meant what she said before that nothing else mattered. Just him. She felt the tears returning to her eyes and she reached up to try to wipe them away.

“Please. Please come home tonight,” Olivia whispered as she reached out for him. Her voice wavered as she was desperately trying to not to cry.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Rafael’s mind spun. Deposition questions flew through his head. Did you have sexual relations with Lieutenant Benson? Why? Why? Were you aware this brings all of your cases with SVU into jeopardy? Were you aware of the ramifications of having sexual contact with someone you work with directly? Do you understand the reasons you are being excused from the District Attorney’s Office at this time? He closed his eyes and looked up, not sure what his feet wanted him to do. He hated to see her cry. He hated to see anyone cry except someone who was going away for life and deserved it but not Olivia. He had seen her go through too much and she didn’t deserve another moment of pain in her life. But what could he do to take it away without hurting her?

Reflexively, he reached up, using his thumb to wipe a single tear drop from her cheek. His exterior was stone-cold, but his heart was melting inside. He swallowed involuntarily.

“I don’t think take-out is a good idea tonight. Let’s meet at Cafe Un Deux Trois at 6th and 44th. Dinner’s on me.” He wanted to say something about her comment to not worry about Tucker. How is he supposed to not worry about him? He wanted to address it with her but couldn’t bring himself to say his name. Perhaps they could talk about it tonight.

She’d asked him to come home. No one had ever asked him that before. No one had ever made him feel that way before. He could see himself finding a home with her, feeling comfortable holding her at home, but it was too much for the moment. He knew if he went home with her they wouldn’t be doing a lot of talking and he wasn’t ready for that. Insane deposition questions flooded him again. Did you go to Ms. Benson’s apartment with the intention of sleeping with her? Were you aware she was married to Ed Tucker and you were committing adultery? How many exchanges of sentences did you have before you took her clothes off? Did she consent? Did you ask? Did she say no? Are you sure?!

“I’ll see you tonight,” he said finally, breaking through his barrage of thoughts. A quick fleeting thought of him reaching forward and taking her tear-stained chin, bringing it level with his and embracing her with a kiss again fluttered through his mind. In response, he nodded, turned on his heel, and headed back to his office.

Approaching the steps to his building, he ran his fingers through his hair and let out a deep breath. Anyone who knew Barba knew the only time he ever touched his hair during the day was to fix it. Otherwise, something must be wrong.

[therealogoliviabenson4015]

As Rafael wiped away the lone teardrop from her cheek, Olivia closed her eyes. She wanted to remember how soft his touch was. She wasn’t sure if a moment like this would ever happen again so she needed to burn it in her brain to make it last a lifetime.

She watched Rafael retreat back to the sanctity of his office. She decided that she would make her way over to the restaurant and give him some space. Olivia had a feeling that what was coming next for them was going to be emotional and intense. He needed time to collect her thoughts and so did she. As she walked down the street, she got lost in her thoughts. She wondered how things turned so fast. Her original intention was to go over there and yell at him for his snide comment from earlier. Then she figured they would share a drink and laugh at something ridiculous Carisi said or did. But instead it went to a place that neither one of them expected. Transfers, confessions, repressed emotions, kisses, tears, and a yearning make a home, and the night wasn’t over. God knows where they are going. One thing, Olivia thought, there was no turning back.

As Olivia navigated her way through the streets of Manhattan, she started thinking about what she needed to say to Rafael. This was her chance. Perhaps her one and only shot. She thought back to the first time she realized she felt something deeper for him. It was a case regarding a sports reporter who was raped by her cameraman. Rafael fought so hard for her and her child. The case hit too close to home for Olivia but Rafael seemed to understand even without asking or uttering a word. He simply nodded his head and didn’t look at Olivia with pity or horror. He looked at her with the same level of trust and respect. It was then things began to change. But then there was Brian and then Lewis, and her…Olivia refused to let the “r” word even enter her thoughts even after all this time. She tried to tell herself she was okay and passed it all. She was a mom now after all. And then there was Tucker. As if it was some sort of sign, Olivia’s phone began to ring. “Fuck,” she swore. It was Ed. She had to answer it or else he would keep calling.

“Hey Ed…no I’m okay. Just working late tonight on our current case. I needed to meet with Barba to go over some things…I don’t feel like going out to dinner tonight. No, I don’t want company at home. Noah’s okay. I just need some space right now,” Olivia sighed in frustration, “Look, I’m fine I swear. I don’t know what you’re talking about that. Everything is okay. I’m not upset with you or anything. I need to go. I will call you later. Good night, Ed.” Olivia ended the call as fast as she could. She didn’t need this right now from him.

God she needed a drink. Olivia couldn’t have arrived at the restaurant fast enough. She opted to sit at the bar and drink a glass of red wine before Rafael arrived. She needed to get the uneasy feeling of her phone conversation with Tucker out of her mind. Tonight needed to be about her and Rafael. This was where she needed to be and nowhere else. Olivia looked towards the door and smiled as Rafael walked him. He looked handsome and dapper as always. She downed the rest of her wine. Here we go, she thought.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

The feeling of his hand on her cheek was electrifying and it took everything he had not to hold it there. His own fear, his own uncertainty caused him to turn quickly and retreat back to what he knew best, where he had the most control, where he felt safe; his office. Carmen could tell something was wrong the moment he walked in, brusquely storming into his office and shutting his door behind him. He paced. Hands on his hips. A couple deep breaths. Fingers through his hair. Jacket off. He was suddenly sweating.

What were you thinking? You kissed her! Come on, get it together. How hard have you worked for this job, this life, and you’ll throw it all away for a conflict of interest. How many times he had told coworkers that they were idiots for becoming involved with each other and here he was, the biggest hypocrite of all. Thoughts took over him, memories of their time together, laughing having drinks, comforting her, feeling like she was the only person who put him in his place and yet he was afraid of what that meant for him. For them?!

And so he did what he knew how to do best: he sat down at his desk. Angrily. Using anger to cover all the emotions he didn’t want to feel at the moment. He made calls. He made appointments. Subpoenas, affidavits, depositions and dossiers. He typed them up, added them to files, signed and submitted. He did anything he could to keep himself from thinking. He realized that he knew exactly what time it was and he didn’t want to be late but at the same time he kind of wanted to be. This was really going to happen. Should he have prepared a question tree?

By the time he got to the restaurant he just needed a drink as soon as possible. Walking in, against the better judgment of his feet which had almost walked him past the restaurant, he saw Olivia at the bar and flashed a smile of recognition which faded quickly into a furrow.

“Hi,” he said, taking a seat next to her at the bar. He could see had just finished a glass of red wine, her favorite. He pointed to her glass to indicate to the bartender to pour her another. Meanwhile he ordered himself a double. He kept his eyes on his drink even though he could feel hers resting on him. “In other news, I sent out the subpoenas for the priests and bishops. I would love to see the reactions on their faces.” The reaction on Olivia’s didn’t change. He nodded slightly. “How is my avoiding the topic working out so far?”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Brothers (Cont.)

Thread 1 Found Here Thread 2 Found Here

@frederick-chilton-psychiatrist

Rafael was at a loss. He knew his way around a courtroom, he knew all the rows of books behind him by heart and he knew how to convince someone to take a plea deal. But talking to his own brother? Lost. He watched Freddie sit back down and Rafael sat with on leg on his desk, observing his careful movements. He saw his face wince in pain and it made Rafael’s expression wince also at the thought of him being in so much pain on a daily basis.

He listened to his brother talk about the memories from the past that he didn’t want to revisit. He remembered Frederick taking beatings from their dad who wanted him to be more than himself. Rafael had gotten his acceptance letter to law school and Frederick had gotten his to medical school. For some reason, their father seemed to not think that Fred was going to make it and pushed him harder than Rafael. Barba remembered not sticking up for his brother like he could have and he wondered if that was still hanging over his head.

He listened as Fred became upset, talking about his embarrassment with not being able to protect Carolyn and his torments with Hannibal. He wanted to reach forward and comfort him, protect him too. But he simply listened. Frederick mentioned him staying at his own hotel room and Barba looked down. Fine, he wasn’t going to stay with him although he still wanted him to. It was then that Fred put his hand over his mouth and asked for the restroom. Rafael was on his feet and yelled for Carmen to bring him a wastebasket.

“Freddie, you won’t make it to the bathroom, here,” he said, holding his brother and taking the basket from Carmen’s hands. “Carmen, draw the blinds closed.” He didn’t want to cause Frederick any more embarrassment. He gently rubbed his brother’s back as he was ill and asked Carmen to bring him more tea and salt water to gargle with to get rid of the bile taste.

“Fred, your clothes are soiled a bit although I know you wanted to get changed anyway. I have a change of clothes here you’re welcome to use or I can have a car take you back to your hotel. You choose. Whichever makes you more comfortable. I’d still like to go with you though. I don’t like seeing you in this condition.” He paused. “Maybe you should reschedule the book signing. You’re very pale.”

[quantifiably-adorable]

As if the day wasn’t stressful enough already, now he had thrown up in front of his brother.  Frederick felt light headed and was shaking.  He barely looked up when Rafael had called his assistant in.  He wasn’t thrilled about her seeing him like this either.  He tried to remind himself he’d be home soon.

He didn’t fight off his brother rubbing his back.  He wished it was Carolyn doing so, but the gesture was comforting none the less.  He hated being so weak in front of his brother though.  He was supposed to be the older brother. 

Frederick tried to think what had made him so ill, looking down at his shirt when Rafael mentioned that it was stained.  Lovely, he mused to himself.  His face grew red as he looked at his shirt.  He hadn’t had anything outside his diet, perhaps he was getting sick.  Perhaps Rafi was right, he needed to cancel.  But he really didn’t want to deal with his agent yelling at him for cancelling last minute for such a reason. 

Frederick’s head snapped up when he heard Rafael ask his assistant for more tea.  Tea.  Damn it.  He hadn’t asked if there was caffeine in it.  Frederick sighed, still leaning over, rubbing a hand over his face. 

“Rafael, was there caffeine in the tea?  I should have mentioned…it has to be caffeine free,” he said, his voice still hoarse.  At least he realized this before he had taken more tea from Carmen. 

Frederick closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm himself.  “If you wouldn’t mind, can you call the car?  You can come with me, we just need to stop on the way to the jewelers.  Then I may want to rest a bit at the hotel, I also have some medicine for my stomach there.  Do you…do you have a tissue?” he asked softly, eyes downcast with embarrassment. 

“I just…I’d like to get out of here soon, please.”  He said, his voice barely above a whisper, and tried to wipe the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand, causing his makeup to smear a little.  Damn it, he muttered, under his breath. 

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Rafael handed his brother a soft tissue from his desk. Maybe there was something about this office that bugged him. Maybe letting him sit and think about the day and him missing his wife was making things worse. At hearing that Frederick was ready to leave he motioned for Carmen to call the car service.

“Fred, look,” Rafael said, kneeling down next to him, “this day is going to get better. We’re doing to head back to the hotel so you can clean up and change for the signing. While we’re in the car, I’m going to call the jewelers and have them deliver the ring to the hotel so we can see it, and if you need any changes or alterations, they can take it back and fix it up and deliver it again. And if they don’t do it right, I have a guy who will. Then we’re going to that book signing and you’re going to be praised for the hard work you’ve done. Forget the past. We’re here now.”

“Mr. Barba,” Carmen popped her head in the office, “your car is waiting. It’s Jeffery.”

“Oh good,” Barba said turning to his brother, “Jeffery is a great driver. He’s the only driver I know who can take it slow but get you there on time in the middle of Manhattan.” Rafael smiled, hoping his brother would follow suit. He was never good at comforting people. His favorite line when dealing with victims was “I know this is difficult” even when he didn’t always know how it felt. He made to help his brother to his feet but stopped himself and let Freddie do it on his own. He reached for his jacket on the hook and handed it to Carmen, indicating for her to help Frederick into his jacket as a polite gesture for a guest. Rafael shrugged into his own jacket, shutting his laptop, grabbing files, and shoving them into his bag.

“Oh, Mr. Barba,” Carmen said as they were leaving, “Pattz?”

Barba snapped his fingers. “Right, yes, if he calls about the psych eval, send him through to my personal phone.”

[quantifiably-adorable]

Frederick took the tissue from his brother, dabbing at his eyes gently, mumbling a thank you.   He listened to his brother, telling him again what they were going to do.  Had Frederick not just told him he hated that?  He knew his brother meant well though, and was too drained too argue with him this time. And Although Frederick knew he should have mentioned it, it still would have been nice had Rafael apologized for the caffeine, he mused.

“I don’t know if they will do that, but I suppose you can ask,” he said softly,  to Rafael’s comment on the ring.  He hated to put the jeweler out, not being able to pick it up was another sting to his pride.  But after feeling lightheaded upon being ill, he knew he needed to lie down. 

Frederick almost laughed at Rafi’s comment of knowing a guy “who will” take care of the ring if he didn’t like it.  Was Rafael seeing someone?  Or perhaps this was for the expensive things his brother owned like his watch and cuff links.  Frederick also had nice things, of course, but they mattered far less than they had before.  

Blush rose to Frederick’s face once more as his brother continued talking.  Of course now that he had fallen apart in front of his brother, Rafael was talking about the ease of how this driver operated.  How humiliating.  Frederick just nodded, wanting to be out of there as soon as possible. 

Frederick followed his brother up, using his cane.  He jumped a bit when Carmen tried to put on his coat for him.  As if he didn’t feel like enough of an invalid already.  His mouth in a tight smile, he politely refused, taking the jacket from her.  Frederick also wasn’t used to people he didn’t know well being so close to his person.  It made him anxious, and made him want to run even more.  He supposed that after what had happened to him, this was a normal reaction.  Not to mention this woman he barely knew had seen him upset and when he was ill. 

He hoped he hadn’t offended her, and asked if she had some water for him to take, please, trying to force a smile. 

Frederick frowned at hearing his brother talk about the psych evaluation.  Was this the only reason his own brother wanted to spend time with him?  Frederick squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, willing himself to relax.  He had enough to worry about with the book event, he didn’t want to be dragged into something else.  And if this was the real reason Rafi wanted to tag along, he certainly wouldn’t be seeing his brother again anytime soon. 

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Rafael pushed the button to call the elevator. He could feel Frederick’s hesitancy next to him. He felt like he couldn’t do anything right. He’d wanted to make his brother feel welcome and he felt like all he could do was bring him down. He didn’t realize how fragile he had become. He remembered a Freddie who would take on any patient, take on any class in medical school, take on any unpaid internship to get to work with the most challenging patients. And now here he was, a shell of a man Rafael once knew. He pressed the button for the elevator again and it triggered a strange flashback.

They were 16. Frederick had brought home a test with less than favored grades and their father was not pleased. Rafael had been upstairs, working on homework even though it was a Friday but he knew better than to leave his work for later in the weekend when he might not have a chance to work on it if his father needed him for something.

“What the fuck is this?! Do you even care about your future, Frederick?!” Rafael winced at the thought of Freddie being in the living room alone with their father.

“Of course I do, Papi, it was one test,” but Rafael closed his eyes, knowing that wasn’t going to work. Freddie should know better than to argue, better than to use the word “but” followed by something else. Just accept the defeat and move on. Despite that he would grow up to be an attorney, Rafael rarely argued with his father. He could hear them going back and forth, anger growing. He heard his mother coming in from the kitchen where dinner was cooking to try and calm down the situation and hopefully prevent Freddie from being hit but Rafael knew there wasn’t much she could do. His discomfort growing, he pushed back his desk chair and ran his hand down his face, heading into the hallway. The yelling grew. It alternated between Spanish and English but Rafael could keep up with the changes. He stopped before reaching the doorway to the living room, turning his back against the wall and leaning his head back as well. He momentarily closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Frederick,” Rafael called from the hallway. Then again, “Fred!” He burst through the doorway and grabbed his coat, throwing the other to his brother. “We have to go, abuelita called and she needs us to pick up her groceries.”

“Rafael!” his father boomed, “how dare you…!”

“Papi, yes, I know, but we can’t keep her waiting. Fred, let’s go, come on,” he said again, opening the front door. He caught his mother’s eye who had on an expression from understanding. Fred hesitated for only a moment before catching his jacket and following his brother out of the house. After shutting the door, they walked silently together, turning onto the sidewalk in the direction of their grandmother’s house who had not called at all. There was silence for a whole block.

“You have to stop arguing with him, Freddie.”

“I’m tired of him always thinking he knows everything.”

“Then you’re going to be tired for a long time.”

The ding from the elevator brought Rafael back from his reverie. The elevator brought the two down to the first floor where Rafael could see Jeffery waiting for them through the revolving door.

[quantifiably-adorable]

Frederick followed his brother to the elevator, leaning heavily on his cane.  Rafael was quiet during the trip to the car, and Frederick was grateful for the reprieve.  His brother seemed to go at full speed constantly and it was draining to watch.  Especially for someone like Frederick.  Oh how he wished he were more able bodied.  That he could carry his wife.  Not being able to do things like this or risk hurting himself pained Frederick immensely, and watching his brother move around with ease was a glaring reminder. 

Frederick was exhausted after becoming ill in his brother’s office.  And he desperately wanted to clean his prosthetic.  Throwing up with it in was most uncomfortable.  He hoped his brother would give him some peace while he cleaned up.

He sat in the back of the car with his brother, telling the driver the address of the hotel.  He leaned back in his seat after this, trying to relax.  Fred really wasn’t in the mood for talking, so he took out his phone to check his emails as they made their way to the hotel.  Fred smiled slightly at the photo of Carolyn on his lock screen.  He had only been away for a few days but being apart from her caused his heart to ache. 

Frederick thought of the inscription he was adding to his wife’s ring as the car moved through the busy streets.  He so hoped she would love it.  Whenever she smiled because of him he felt like the luckiest man alive. 

Rafael didn’t understand, surely, what it meant to have another person so take over one’s heart.  Meeting the love of his life had changed everything for Frederick in the best way possible.  They had been through the ringer together and his love for Carolyn only grew with each passing day.  

He wondered if his brother had anyone special in his life.  It seemed Rafael was married to his work, and Fred was so glad this was no longer the case in his life.  Although he was frustrated with his brother, he wanted to see him happy.  And perhaps it would be easier to relate to him if his little brother understood what was truly important in life.  And then, maybe, Rafael would understand why if the person you loved was hurt, it felt like your heart was broken in two. 

“It’s just right up there, past the light,” Frederick said to Rafael, as he saw the hotel come into view.  As he spoke, he tried to bite down a wince of pain in his abdomen but failed.  His brother lived on caffeine, and Fred couldn’t even take a cup of caffeinated tea. 

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

“Jeffrey,” Rafael said, shaking his hand, “good to see you.” Jeffrey helped open the door and help Frederick into the car. Rafael rounded the back to get in the other side since he could get in quicker between the flow of traffic. 

 Once seated in the back he had the feeling Fred didn’t want to talk about much although he was hoping they could use this time to catch up on their lives apart. He wanted to ask about his wife and their plans and what it had been like to deal with Hannibal and Will and his feelings around the whole ordeal. Again, however, Rafael got the idea that he didn’t want to talk about it. Growing up, Rafael remembered that his brother’s emotions ran high but he had always been able to deal with them. Then again, he wondered how many of them he’d covered up and put on a face trying to be better than everyone else. But now, perhaps, that had finally caught up with him and the man he was afraid to be underneath it all was showing through. He wondered about his dependency on Carolyn. Rafael knew his brother as very independent person so he wondered how his wife played into his life. Perhaps she was helping him find out the man he really wanted to be. Or was she a codependent? Or the other way around? He regretting not getting more time to meet with her. The thought of traveling down to Baltimore crossed his mind. The vacation would certainly be nice. His phone buzzed in his pocket.

“Barba. Mr. Pattz, yes, how are you? That’s a good question.” Rafael’s eyes shifted to his brother who seemed to be checking his emails on his phone. He wasn’t sure if he was paying attention. “At this point, no, I don’t have anyone to do the evaluation. I might, but I’m not sure of their availability. Yes, I recognize that you’re giving me this opportunity…well, let’s be honest, when you rape and murder an eight-year-old, it’s hard to prove mental incompetency.” He listened to the attorney’s bullshit on the other end while trying to gage how Fred was doing. He heard him give the driver a direction of around the block. “I have to go; I’ll keep you informed.” He hung up on the attorney. Pulling up to the hotel he alighted from the car, rounding it again to meet his brother on the busy sidewalk.

“Fred, can I come with you? Do you want me to wait here? Can I help?”

[quantifiably-adorable]

Frederick still felt a bit embarrassed at being so upset in front of Rafael. He could tell his brother was a little surprised at his reaction but he wasn’t sure why. Frederick had always felt things deeply, but perhaps growing up he was better at hiding them. Unfortunately with their father he had to put up a tough exterior. Their father wasn’t someone who took kindly to tears from his son.

Frederick was vaguely aware of his brother being on the phone as they arrived, though he wasn’t really paying attention to what was discussed. He was drained from the day thus far and it took all his energy just to review the emails that had come in.

Frederick looked up from his phone at his brother’s words. What on earth was Rafael on about? He had just begged Fred to stay at his home, and now he didn’t want to come up and spend time with Fred? He thought that was the whole point of them taking a ride together. There was still several hours until the book signing.

Frederick bit his bottom lip. Perhaps this was a trait Rafael had picked up as well, being uncomfortable with emotion like their father. Maybe he saw Fred as weak and had changed his mind about spending time with his brother.

Although Fred had wanted some peace, it did hurt him to think his brother might think lowly of him. Frederick couldn’t wait for tomorrow to come, he couldn’t deal with much more of this.

“Rafael, I thought you wanted to come up?” He said, looking at Rafael as he exited the car with the help of his cane. He pulled his coat tighter around him at the burst of cold air. Frederick felt awkward, if his brother wanted to go he wasn’t going to beg.

“But..if you have to get back to work, I understand. Just please make sure the ring is delivered,” he said, avoiding Rafael’s eyes.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Popping his phone back in his pocket he noticed how tired Fred appeared. He realized he’d already had a trying day and didn’t know if he was going to be okay to make the book signing. They passed through the doors into the lobby. He listened to his brother ask him if he wanted to come up and he was relieved that he wasn’t going to shut him out. Besides, he didn’t like the idea of Fred being on his own in this condition. Of course Rafael’s opinion of his brother hadn’t changed at all and he still loved and cared about him as much as he always had but he had to admit that there was something sad about him.

“Absolutely, Fred, I’m with you,” he said taking his place next to him as they made their way to the elevators. He’d remembered his brother as someone who was always out to prove himself, always going the extra mile to make his name known. In fact, his name was interesting to begin with. Being brothers, they naturally had the same last name. The name “Barba” was of Spanish and Latin origins and anyone hearing the name would immediately know their background. But of course, background is judged in academia more than in other places. Dr. Frederick Barba would have given away his ancestry right away and Rafael remembered Fred being afraid that this would limit him professionally. So he’d changed it. “Chilton” was English as there are many towns in the United Kingdom with this name, particularly in Berkshire and Buckinghamshire. An English name can make one sound more proper and educated which was probably Fred’s reason for changing it. Rafael remembered the conversation with their father when he told them. That was a day he never wanted to relive. It had made Rafael think about changing his but he liked his heritage and held on to it, believing it actually gave him a positive edge at the DA’s office and more trust with clients who are also Spanish.

Getting into the elevator, he didn’t like the awkward silence. “Fred, are you thinking you want the ring delivered here? I know you wanted to go pick it up but you look like you could use a rest. Or I could go pick it up if you’d feel more comfortable. Are you sure you’re going to be okay to do the book signing? I could take you to see a doctor if you want.” He realized his brother was probably going to be frustrated with that suggestion. “On second thought, maybe calling Carolyn when we get back in the room would help.”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Brothers (Cont.)

Thread 1 Found Here Thread 2 Found Here

@frederick-chilton-psychiatrist

Rafael was at a loss. He knew his way around a courtroom, he knew all the rows of books behind him by heart and he knew how to convince someone to take a plea deal. But talking to his own brother? Lost. He watched Freddie sit back down and Rafael sat with on leg on his desk, observing his careful movements. He saw his face wince in pain and it made Rafael’s expression wince also at the thought of him being in so much pain on a daily basis.

He listened to his brother talk about the memories from the past that he didn’t want to revisit. He remembered Frederick taking beatings from their dad who wanted him to be more than himself. Rafael had gotten his acceptance letter to law school and Frederick had gotten his to medical school. For some reason, their father seemed to not think that Fred was going to make it and pushed him harder than Rafael. Barba remembered not sticking up for his brother like he could have and he wondered if that was still hanging over his head.

He listened as Fred became upset, talking about his embarrassment with not being able to protect Carolyn and his torments with Hannibal. He wanted to reach forward and comfort him, protect him too. But he simply listened. Frederick mentioned him staying at his own hotel room and Barba looked down. Fine, he wasn’t going to stay with him although he still wanted him to. It was then that Fred put his hand over his mouth and asked for the restroom. Rafael was on his feet and yelled for Carmen to bring him a wastebasket.

“Freddie, you won’t make it to the bathroom, here,” he said, holding his brother and taking the basket from Carmen’s hands. “Carmen, draw the blinds closed.” He didn’t want to cause Frederick any more embarrassment. He gently rubbed his brother’s back as he was ill and asked Carmen to bring him more tea and salt water to gargle with to get rid of the bile taste.

“Fred, your clothes are soiled a bit although I know you wanted to get changed anyway. I have a change of clothes here you’re welcome to use or I can have a car take you back to your hotel. You choose. Whichever makes you more comfortable. I’d still like to go with you though. I don’t like seeing you in this condition.” He paused. “Maybe you should reschedule the book signing. You’re very pale.”

[quantifiably-adorable]

As if the day wasn’t stressful enough already, now he had thrown up in front of his brother.  Frederick felt light headed and was shaking.  He barely looked up when Rafael had called his assistant in.  He wasn’t thrilled about her seeing him like this either.  He tried to remind himself he’d be home soon.

He didn’t fight off his brother rubbing his back.  He wished it was Carolyn doing so, but the gesture was comforting none the less.  He hated being so weak in front of his brother though.  He was supposed to be the older brother. 

Frederick tried to think what had made him so ill, looking down at his shirt when Rafael mentioned that it was stained.  Lovely, he mused to himself.  His face grew red as he looked at his shirt.  He hadn’t had anything outside his diet, perhaps he was getting sick.  Perhaps Rafi was right, he needed to cancel.  But he really didn’t want to deal with his agent yelling at him for cancelling last minute for such a reason. 

Frederick’s head snapped up when he heard Rafael ask his assistant for more tea.  Tea.  Damn it.  He hadn’t asked if there was caffeine in it.  Frederick sighed, still leaning over, rubbing a hand over his face. 

“Rafael, was there caffeine in the tea?  I should have mentioned…it has to be caffeine free,” he said, his voice still hoarse.  At least he realized this before he had taken more tea from Carmen. 

Frederick closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm himself.  “If you wouldn’t mind, can you call the car?  You can come with me, we just need to stop on the way to the jewelers.  Then I may want to rest a bit at the hotel, I also have some medicine for my stomach there.  Do you…do you have a tissue?” he asked softly, eyes downcast with embarrassment. 

“I just…I’d like to get out of here soon, please.”  He said, his voice barely above a whisper, and tried to wipe the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand, causing his makeup to smear a little.  Damn it, he muttered, under his breath. 

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Rafael handed his brother a soft tissue from his desk. Maybe there was something about this office that bugged him. Maybe letting him sit and think about the day and him missing his wife was making things worse. At hearing that Frederick was ready to leave he motioned for Carmen to call the car service.

“Fred, look,” Rafael said, kneeling down next to him, “this day is going to get better. We’re doing to head back to the hotel so you can clean up and change for the signing. While we’re in the car, I’m going to call the jewelers and have them deliver the ring to the hotel so we can see it, and if you need any changes or alterations, they can take it back and fix it up and deliver it again. And if they don’t do it right, I have a guy who will. Then we’re going to that book signing and you’re going to be praised for the hard work you’ve done. Forget the past. We’re here now.”

“Mr. Barba,” Carmen popped her head in the office, “your car is waiting. It’s Jeffery.”

“Oh good,” Barba said turning to his brother, “Jeffery is a great driver. He’s the only driver I know who can take it slow but get you there on time in the middle of Manhattan.” Rafael smiled, hoping his brother would follow suit. He was never good at comforting people. His favorite line when dealing with victims was “I know this is difficult” even when he didn’t always know how it felt. He made to help his brother to his feet but stopped himself and let Freddie do it on his own. He reached for his jacket on the hook and handed it to Carmen, indicating for her to help Frederick into his jacket as a polite gesture for a guest. Rafael shrugged into his own jacket, shutting his laptop, grabbing files, and shoving them into his bag.

“Oh, Mr. Barba,” Carmen said as they were leaving, “Pattz?”

Barba snapped his fingers. “Right, yes, if he calls about the psych eval, send him through to my personal phone.”

[quantifiably-adorable]

Frederick took the tissue from his brother, dabbing at his eyes gently, mumbling a thank you.   He listened to his brother, telling him again what they were going to do.  Had Frederick not just told him he hated that?  He knew his brother meant well though, and was too drained too argue with him this time. And Although Frederick knew he should have mentioned it, it still would have been nice had Rafael apologized for the caffeine, he mused.

“I don’t know if they will do that, but I suppose you can ask,” he said softly,  to Rafael’s comment on the ring.  He hated to put the jeweler out, not being able to pick it up was another sting to his pride.  But after feeling lightheaded upon being ill, he knew he needed to lie down. 

Frederick almost laughed at Rafi’s comment of knowing a guy “who will” take care of the ring if he didn’t like it.  Was Rafael seeing someone?  Or perhaps this was for the expensive things his brother owned like his watch and cuff links.  Frederick also had nice things, of course, but they mattered far less than they had before.  

Blush rose to Frederick’s face once more as his brother continued talking.  Of course now that he had fallen apart in front of his brother, Rafael was talking about the ease of how this driver operated.  How humiliating.  Frederick just nodded, wanting to be out of there as soon as possible. 

Frederick followed his brother up, using his cane.  He jumped a bit when Carmen tried to put on his coat for him.  As if he didn’t feel like enough of an invalid already.  His mouth in a tight smile, he politely refused, taking the jacket from her.  Frederick also wasn’t used to people he didn’t know well being so close to his person.  It made him anxious, and made him want to run even more.  He supposed that after what had happened to him, this was a normal reaction.  Not to mention this woman he barely knew had seen him upset and when he was ill. 

He hoped he hadn’t offended her, and asked if she had some water for him to take, please, trying to force a smile. 

Frederick frowned at hearing his brother talk about the psych evaluation.  Was this the only reason his own brother wanted to spend time with him?  Frederick squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, willing himself to relax.  He had enough to worry about with the book event, he didn’t want to be dragged into something else.  And if this was the real reason Rafi wanted to tag along, he certainly wouldn’t be seeing his brother again anytime soon. 

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Rafael pushed the button to call the elevator. He could feel Frederick’s hesitancy next to him. He felt like he couldn’t do anything right. He’d wanted to make his brother feel welcome and he felt like all he could do was bring him down. He didn’t realize how fragile he had become. He remembered a Freddie who would take on any patient, take on any class in medical school, take on any unpaid internship to get to work with the most challenging patients. And now here he was, a shell of a man Rafael once knew. He pressed the button for the elevator again and it triggered a strange flashback.

They were 16. Frederick had brought home a test with less than favored grades and their father was not pleased. Rafael had been upstairs, working on homework even though it was a Friday but he knew better than to leave his work for later in the weekend when he might not have a chance to work on it if his father needed him for something.

“What the fuck is this?! Do you even care about your future, Frederick?!” Rafael winced at the thought of Freddie being in the living room alone with their father.

“Of course I do, Papi, it was one test,” but Rafael closed his eyes, knowing that wasn’t going to work. Freddie should know better than to argue, better than to use the word “but” followed by something else. Just accept the defeat and move on. Despite that he would grow up to be an attorney, Rafael rarely argued with his father. He could hear them going back and forth, anger growing. He heard his mother coming in from the kitchen where dinner was cooking to try and calm down the situation and hopefully prevent Freddie from being hit but Rafael knew there wasn’t much she could do. His discomfort growing, he pushed back his desk chair and ran his hand down his face, heading into the hallway. The yelling grew. It alternated between Spanish and English but Rafael could keep up with the changes. He stopped before reaching the doorway to the living room, turning his back against the wall and leaning his head back as well. He momentarily closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Frederick,” Rafael called from the hallway. Then again, “Fred!” He burst through the doorway and grabbed his coat, throwing the other to his brother. “We have to go, abuelita called and she needs us to pick up her groceries.”

“Rafael!” his father boomed, “how dare you…!”

“Papi, yes, I know, but we can’t keep her waiting. Fred, let’s go, come on,” he said again, opening the front door. He caught his mother’s eye who had on an expression from understanding. Fred hesitated for only a moment before catching his jacket and following his brother out of the house. After shutting the door, they walked silently together, turning onto the sidewalk in the direction of their grandmother’s house who had not called at all. There was silence for a whole block.

“You have to stop arguing with him, Freddie.”

“I’m tired of him always thinking he knows everything.”

“Then you’re going to be tired for a long time.”

The ding from the elevator brought Rafael back from his reverie. The elevator brought the two down to the first floor where Rafael could see Jeffery waiting for them through the revolving door.

[quantifiably-adorable]

Frederick followed his brother to the elevator, leaning heavily on his cane.  Rafael was quiet during the trip to the car, and Frederick was grateful for the reprieve.  His brother seemed to go at full speed constantly and it was draining to watch.  Especially for someone like Frederick.  Oh how he wished he were more able bodied.  That he could carry his wife.  Not being able to do things like this or risk hurting himself pained Frederick immensely, and watching his brother move around with ease was a glaring reminder. 

Frederick was exhausted after becoming ill in his brother’s office.  And he desperately wanted to clean his prosthetic.  Throwing up with it in was most uncomfortable.  He hoped his brother would give him some peace while he cleaned up.

He sat in the back of the car with his brother, telling the driver the address of the hotel.  He leaned back in his seat after this, trying to relax.  Fred really wasn’t in the mood for talking, so he took out his phone to check his emails as they made their way to the hotel.  Fred smiled slightly at the photo of Carolyn on his lock screen.  He had only been away for a few days but being apart from her caused his heart to ache. 

Frederick thought of the inscription he was adding to his wife’s ring as the car moved through the busy streets.  He so hoped she would love it.  Whenever she smiled because of him he felt like the luckiest man alive. 

Rafael didn’t understand, surely, what it meant to have another person so take over one’s heart.  Meeting the love of his life had changed everything for Frederick in the best way possible.  They had been through the ringer together and his love for Carolyn only grew with each passing day.  

He wondered if his brother had anyone special in his life.  It seemed Rafael was married to his work, and Fred was so glad this was no longer the case in his life.  Although he was frustrated with his brother, he wanted to see him happy.  And perhaps it would be easier to relate to him if his little brother understood what was truly important in life.  And then, maybe, Rafael would understand why if the person you loved was hurt, it felt like your heart was broken in two. 

“It’s just right up there, past the light,” Frederick said to Rafael, as he saw the hotel come into view.  As he spoke, he tried to bite down a wince of pain in his abdomen but failed.  His brother lived on caffeine, and Fred couldn’t even take a cup of caffeinated tea. 

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

“Jeffrey,” Rafael said, shaking his hand, “good to see you.” Jeffrey helped open the door and help Frederick into the car. Rafael rounded the back to get in the other side since he could get in quicker between the flow of traffic. 

 Once seated in the back he had the feeling Fred didn’t want to talk about much although he was hoping they could use this time to catch up on their lives apart. He wanted to ask about his wife and their plans and what it had been like to deal with Hannibal and Will and his feelings around the whole ordeal. Again, however, Rafael got the idea that he didn’t want to talk about it. Growing up, Rafael remembered that his brother’s emotions ran high but he had always been able to deal with them. Then again, he wondered how many of them he’d covered up and put on a face trying to be better than everyone else. But now, perhaps, that had finally caught up with him and the man he was afraid to be underneath it all was showing through. He wondered about his dependency on Carolyn. Rafael knew his brother as very independent person so he wondered how his wife played into his life. Perhaps she was helping him find out the man he really wanted to be. Or was she a codependent? Or the other way around? He regretting not getting more time to meet with her. The thought of traveling down to Baltimore crossed his mind. The vacation would certainly be nice. His phone buzzed in his pocket.

“Barba. Mr. Pattz, yes, how are you? That’s a good question.” Rafael’s eyes shifted to his brother who seemed to be checking his emails on his phone. He wasn’t sure if he was paying attention. “At this point, no, I don’t have anyone to do the evaluation. I might, but I’m not sure of their availability. Yes, I recognize that you’re giving me this opportunity…well, let’s be honest, when you rape and murder an eight-year-old, it’s hard to prove mental incompetency.” He listened to the attorney’s bullshit on the other end while trying to gage how Fred was doing. He heard him give the driver a direction of around the block. “I have to go; I’ll keep you informed.” He hung up on the attorney. Pulling up to the hotel he alighted from the car, rounding it again to meet his brother on the busy sidewalk.

“Fred, can I come with you? Do you want me to wait here? Can I help?”

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Of Friends and Lovers (Cont.)

Thread 1 Found Here Thread 2 Found Here

@sgtoliviabenson4015

He looked down at their fingers interlocked and his mind panicked. Gently, he pulled his hands from hers and ran one down his face with the other on his hip.

“Olivia, I…” he didn’t know what to do. He’d run after her, yes, he’d found her, yes, he let her know how he felt, yes, but what does all this mean now? “I don’t know if I can handle that.” His face grew stern as he fought his own defensiveness. He looked around on the street, at the people walking by. What a city. Everything that was between Olivia and him right now and no one knew.

“How about dinner tonight?” he said finally. He did want to see her but he didn’t want to talk about anything uncomfortable. She was glad he’d come after her. That was an interesting statement. It was interesting how he immediately ran after her without question and kissing her felt like the home he’d never had but now standing here with her he felt like running back up to his office and burying himself in work. “Then again,” he said, “I’m sure you have a date with Ed and seeing as I’ve already crossed enough boundaries today, I wouldn’t want to impose. I’m sorry I don’t…I don’t know what I was thinking.” He tucked his hands in his pockets and looked over at the courthouse, the other place he considered home. 

[therealogoliviabenson4015]

As Rafael pulled his hands from hers, Olivia’s stomach dropped. She couldn’t understand why he was retreating. He came looking for her. He had to care for her. Why was he all of the sudden getting defensive with her? Olivia bit her lip. She didn’t want him to see her lip quivering. She wished they weren’t standing on the sidewalk right now. She felt so vulnerable right now, so exposed. She watched Rafael, as he looked away watching people passing them. She could sense he was struggling with his emotions. How did they get to this point, she wondered.

Olivia’s heart fluttered at Rafael’s suggestion. Dinner tonight with Rafael Barba, Olivia wanted that. She even smiled at the thought. She wanted to spend the evening with him. She needed to tell him how he made her feel no matter how difficult it was and that she meant it when she said she loved him. She owed him this. But then when he took back his invitation because of Tucker, Olivia felt sick.

“Rafael, I want to have dinner with you tonight. Come over to my place and let’s order some food from that Chinese place we love so much. Don’t worry about Tucker. This isn’t about him,” Olivia paused and hesitated. She watched him shove his hands in his pockets and look back towards his sanctuary, the courthouse. She was on the verge of losing him again. She ran her fingers through her hair, “Tucker and I…” Olivia sighed, “Look, we’re…Rafael, I promise you it’s not serious. He can wait. Tonight needs to be about us. I need you.”

Olivia wanted to grab him and kiss him again. Hold on to him and never let go and feel his warmth. She wanted it all to last forever. This feeling was where everything felt right and for the first time in her life, Olivia felt like she was home. She meant what she said before that nothing else mattered. Just him. She felt the tears returning to her eyes and she reached up to try to wipe them away.

“Please. Please come home tonight,” Olivia whispered as she reached out for him. Her voice wavered as she was desperately trying to not to cry.

[a-d-a-rafaelbarba]

Rafael’s mind spun. Deposition questions flew through his head. Did you have sexual relations with Lieutenant Benson? Why? Why? Were you aware this brings all of your cases with SVU into jeopardy? Were you aware of the ramifications of having sexual contact with someone you work with directly? Do you understand the reasons you are being excused from the District Attorney’s Office at this time? He closed his eyes and looked up, not sure what his feet wanted him to do. He hated to see her cry. He hated to see anyone cry except someone who was going away for life and deserved it but not Olivia. He had seen her go through too much and she didn’t deserve another moment of pain in her life. But what could he do to take it away without hurting her?

Reflexively, he reached up, using his thumb to wipe a single tear drop from her cheek. His exterior was stone-cold, but his heart was melting inside. He swallowed involuntarily.

“I don’t think take-out is a good idea tonight. Let’s meet at Cafe Un Deux Trois at 6th and 44th. Dinner’s on me.” He wanted to say something about her comment to not worry about Tucker. How is he supposed to not worry about him? He wanted to address it with her but couldn’t bring himself to say his name. Perhaps they could talk about it tonight.

She’d asked him to come home. No one had ever asked him that before. No one had ever made him feel that way before. He could see himself finding a home with her, feeling comfortable holding her at home, but it was too much for the moment. He knew if he went home with her they wouldn’t be doing a lot of talking and he wasn’t ready for that. Insane deposition questions flooded him again. Did you go to Ms. Benson’s apartment with the intention of sleeping with her? Were you aware she was married to Ed Tucker and you were committing adultery? How many exchanges of sentences did you have before you took her clothes off? Did she consent? Did you ask? Did she say no? Are you sure?!

“I’ll see you tonight,” he said finally, breaking through his barrage of thoughts. A quick fleeting thought of him reaching forward and taking her tear-stained chin, bringing it level with his and embracing her with a kiss again fluttered through his mind. In response, he nodded, turned on his heel, and headed back to his office.

Approaching the steps to his building, he ran his fingers through his hair and let out a deep breath. Anyone who knew Barba knew the only time he ever touched his hair during the day was to fix it. Otherwise, something must be wrong.