Just an Outlet

ENFP-T He/Him, Australia. This was meant to be a positive outlet but it’s became something more. I am able to learn about myself and my interaction and reaction to my world. Welcome to my thoughts - a not so private collection

[a-dark-hideaway]

for an adult, a man maybe a boy, can carry such a weight already and strain is such pure explainations

[a-dark-hideaway]

and the 6 foot 4 man was not how i remembered him

he was more queer and more gentle and more calm much more calm than the boy who thought i did everythig to hurt him. he has strong ideas, but those ideas now paint people to a better verison of themself. he is not the man i remember, but still is the same his voice was more joking and its hard to explain different.

we talked about the last 6 months the boys and the drunk nights and the stress and the shit he remembered so much, he was able to joke with references i had almost forgotten and i lived in them. he asked about change and talked about regressing and ideas we used to mention while devouring maccas late late at night. from the taste of orange on his breath to the booze he could always out drink me

he mentioned my old soul but all i want is to be young, and yet i always fit in with the older this ex-lover didnt spar any feelings in me, he was just a friend, a friend that knows me so scarily well.

he was a man of many moments, some of which i learnt from, some of which i still think of fondly, and i sure, some of which i will never fully remember.

but he isnt my man, and my man is a much better constant, he knows he can pull me in, when im lost on a different place and when i dont know how to make it all work and when i just want to throw life ina different direction.

so many people will affect my life and one day i wont even have a photo to remember them all by

[a-dark-hideaway]

jsut another cog in the machine of soceity

slowly grinding my soul into a soup to feed the destoryer of yet another generation of minds

another soulless block to build anither step for others to obtain wealth

[a-dark-hideaway]

im so sad when im not creating

and i havent been creating anything in so long

no matter how many promises i make to do so

[a-dark-hideaway]

and once again im wasting my time and it only makes me feel more behind>

im seriously missing out on life.

[a-dark-hideaway]

one of the girls in the kitchen says my artform was dance so why can i never get a positive result from an audition and why does it feel like it takes so much energy just to think about the idea of simply doing a small task makes me feel sick and ill; near bed ridden

[a-dark-hideaway]

i am not coping

im not creating or dancing or singing or making

im not keeping up with events or friends or dates or life

i am literally just floating and i cant stand it

i want to take photos but i cant bring myself to charge my camera so it would turn on

the idea of getting out the cable is simply too much effort

i want to go on drices even thinking about cleaning my car makes me feel sick

maybe i dont want to do anything

maybe i just wanna stop for a bit

im no coping

im hating moving

im hating work

im hating dealing with people

and the shame that lingers in every moment i ever make

im sick of feeling pain because of the light

and how it makes me so tired but keeps me up at night

i hate how im exisitng and affecting my reality but i feel like i cant change it

becuase the energy it takes to even think of change is so much

so much it makes me feel ill

im jumping at frights and being scared of sounds

a housemate walking or closing doors

it feels like being a kid again and im scared

im so hungry but the idea of cooking a meal makes me feel sick so deeply in my gut id be sick

i sick of being rejected

every show every audition everything

i cant even get into things i thought i was good at

and yet i still act like im any good

im fucking delusional

a delusional young kid that acts like he has been adulting for years.,

im behind in my school

im behind in exercise

i dont want to see myself

i dont even know if my head hurts anymore or whether its just the easiest way to explain the pain i feel so deeply in my bones

i can stop myself sleeping

i can stop myself eating

i can stop myself

but i cant stop myself feeling so lsot and i dont fucking know

i have the cutest boy ever

and i cant

because i am a mess

and i dont want to hurt him

i never want to hurt him

but fuck me i think i will

fuck me i cant keep existing/ my family literally triggered all of this/ i want to love life but i feel like im so behind/ i feel like an artist without an art form

[a-dark-hideaway]

life is wild and how i could fill a thousand note books with my thoughts

[a-dark-hideaway]

i come across so high energy

but in reality im just alwasy so sore

and im worried if i stop moving ill loose that as another thing lost to my lazy soul

[a-dark-hideaway]

just a stoners grin

as you take a blond mans sword.

you always like to please them maybe thats your tragic sin

[a-dark-hideaway]

a hundred and one pretty boys. but i still just look so young. no matter if its short or if its long. just an adult who looks like a kid.

[a-dark-hideaway]

do you know that feeling

when you see someone who looks like they are living better than you.

with mesh shirts

and posts talking about their boyfriends.

glitter on their faces

and cigeretees in their hands.

kisses from the multitudes, and drinks from others. boys have this way. i feel so dirty in my skin. the skin i sold as a kid the skin i tore for beauty. the skin i burnt in hopes.

you know those days when you compare yourself to the facade of others

when you fill the holes you cant see with simple perfection.

from pretty boys who you fall for in delusion

to the boys who you just cast away

you pick at everyone you know

but you let them exist alongside

today was a rough day. you saw this character you created in your mind from one moment. the perfect person the one you wanted and want to be so badly and all i did was stay out of sight

no matter how may souls you please will you ever be pleased with your own soul?

can you look at yourself or are you going to continue to advert your gaze.

[a-dark-hideaway]

the indians that live on the otherside of my wall,

she calls him what sounds like “Babydaddy“ so they being talking to each other indian, sounds agressive, her: Babydaddy in her thick indian acent.

[a-dark-hideaway]

put up for your fucking art

[a-dark-hideaway]

you can really fall into a mans arms. you can really fall while in a mans arms. warm, firm, tight and safe.

doo you know the feeling. being so burrito-ed you feel so close and safe and warm. you feel their lungs move and hear their heart beat. as theey breathing slowly they twitch and play with your hair. and you just snuggle. just warm by each others pressence. he pulls you closer in his sleep. and you wake to just before and watch the sleep slowly trickle away from his face.

any sunrise can be beaten be the first kiss of the day. you can just feel this murmor in your bones. this restlessness just engulfs your senses. you feel the warm of your blood to the chilly blowing winds of a late winter season.

oh how its a small world, and oh how my small world is so impacted by such beautifully flawed characters. or maybe they make me more flawed, broken placed in comparison with beauty. but even when i am gray or maybe a villian. deep down im following my gut.

fooling yuor gut and heart and soul, listening to the council of thee, feeling your centre being pulled to a certain place and a certain time. near sleepless days, recovering for hours on end. taking you to the same club that night, and how he would go from kissing me to kissing her and i didnt want to be ok with it. i feel so beautifully flawed because i always come across as so in love.

an actor isnt loved for the characters they play, its about how well they play them.

dancing and sex and dumb trips and sex and cuddles and morning coffees, speeding to make the train for work, from spending money in op shops to buying each other more drinks that we can count. or sharing a lighter in the smokers. its cigeriaretes in the cold and memories of Copenhagen, its seeing the blond waiter in this lover, its seeing the same things repeat and repeat and repeat. every boy i have crushed on i have chased.

her cousin and the one still in love with his ex. or the waiter on the cold seas with sharp eyes and cute frames and now to the current love affair.

boys,

i alway get high or drunk

and talk about boys. you dont know how good it is to love boys.

and maybe its because i get loved back.

[a-dark-hideaway]

attraction is crazy. from the root: dark hair and eyes and curls and wise.

to now just this raw personalitiy and intellegence.

hayden commder-smith

to paul williams. the looks amatched and there was love: maybe compassion and care.

oh ,y gpd im a faggot.

weed growing in bins and buckets; hide ya shit with a big bag.

talk of shrooms too. a mirage of feelings alot.

but it always comes back to boys.

from angus page

to

brett woods

boys are hot; fucking him is fucking me up.

*edit not angus page but the cute waiter or idk

[a-dark-hideaway]

i want to make potions to heal and promote. with ingredients impossible to get, night picked fruit and roots planted on a full moon. the witchery and magic behind it all the healing of a spirit that has yearned to grow for many years now.