#1 Scientist

Dr. Richardson current head of Anomalous Materials Ask me about Black Mesa

[black-mesa-announcement-system]

[USER: Admin]

*buzwarn* A friendly reminder to all Material-Handling personnel; specimens originating from or inbound to the Sector E Biological Research Complex are high-security and should be handled as such. Loose biomatter can be extremely hazardous to the health of those that come into contact with it, and if encountered should be reported to your nearest Security Officer immediately. Your workday need only be as dangerous as you make it!

[dr-green-official]

"As dangerous as you make it" says the company that unironically built a 10-story device foe the express purpose of vibrating anomalous crystals in hopes of shaking apart the fabric of reality. God I wish I was joking.

[a-fellow-scientist]

The Anti-Mass Spectrometer is intended to analyze exotic materials. A Resonance Cascade is highly unlikely.

[black-mesa-announcement-system]

[USER: Admin]

*buzwarn* A friendly reminder to all Material-Handling personnel; specimens originating from or inbound to the Sector E Biological Research Complex are high-security and should be handled as such. Loose biomatter can be extremely hazardous to the health of those that come into contact with it, and if encountered should be reported to your nearest Security Officer immediately. Your workday need only be as dangerous as you make it!

[doctor-mark-stevens]

As head of Biological research I say to disregard this announcement and infact do the exact opposite

[a-fellow-scientist]

If you get my staff injured or sick I will hurt you in some manner.

[doctor-mark-stevens]

I can’t decide if I should put cocaine in hardings coffee this morning or viagra

[a-fellow-scientist]

Salt.

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

How about you both make the right decision and stay away from my mug?

[doctor-mark-stevens]

No fuck off

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

You touch my coffee after that last proposal you left on my desk, and I swear to god Mark it'll be the last thing you ever do.

[doctor-mark-stevens]

I’m going to start lacing my proposals with dangerous chemicals

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

I'm going to start taking only emails.

[doctor-mark-stevens]

You think I can’t find a way to lace those too coward

[a-fellow-scientist]

Please do not spread computer viruses within the system.

[doctor-mark-stevens]

It really is illegal to have fun isn’t it

[a-fellow-scientist]

The IT guys will wipe your computer if you pull this shit again.

[doctor-mark-stevens]

I can’t decide if I should put cocaine in hardings coffee this morning or viagra

[a-fellow-scientist]

Salt.

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

How about you both make the right decision and stay away from my mug?

[doctor-mark-stevens]

No fuck off

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

You touch my coffee after that last proposal you left on my desk, and I swear to god Mark it'll be the last thing you ever do.

[doctor-mark-stevens]

I’m going to start lacing my proposals with dangerous chemicals

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

I'm going to start taking only emails.

[doctor-mark-stevens]

You think I can’t find a way to lace those too coward

[a-fellow-scientist]

Please do not spread computer viruses within the system.

[mesaverse-hq]

[ERROR 404: TIMELINE NOT FOUND]

We're sorry, but this is the endpoint for the current timeline of the Mesaverse. Any posts beyond this point are merely archives of a past reality, and as such may not comply with the laws or lore of this reality. We at the Multiversal Bureau of Canon Management apologize for the inconvenience, and wish you the best of luck in navigating this now-deprecated reality.

[doctor-mark-stevens]

I can’t decide if I should put cocaine in hardings coffee this morning or viagra

[a-fellow-scientist]

Salt.

[black-mesa-announcement-system]

[USER: Security Chief Harding]

Yeah I'm not even gonna sugarcoat it. Sector D is Xen 2: Electric Boogaloo, we're all going to die, and you can blame Stevens and Chettmen for being responsible.

Oh fuck. The Office Complex is in Sector D. HR. ANDREA.

*distantly* OUT OF MY WAY ASSHOLES

[dr-jameson-chettmen]

Oh please. Would you calm down? I’m sure Andrea can handle herself, she isn’t helpless you know?

Besides, I can always send Chispa to help round up the xen creatures. She is not only good at herding but she is able to communicate with them. That and the other panther-eyes see her as alpha so they’ll follow her lead.

Problem solved.

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

I... I understand what you're saying, but it isn't helping. It's not just "Problem Solved", Chet. Yeah, Andrea can handle herself, but she's not immortal. What if something happens and I'm not there to stop it? I can't just stand around while the Office Complex implodes, with the woman I love inside.

[dr-stevens-research]

Im 99% most of us can only die temporarily

How many times have you died

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Exactly once, and we only came back because Jamie and I stayed physically intact. If something happens and I lose Andrea, it's going to be your head on a pike. Mark my fucking words.

[dr-stevens-research]

If something happens and I lose Andrea it’s going to be your head on a pike

There I marked them :)

[a-fellow-scientist]

Shut up Mark, this is not the time for tomfoolery.

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

The entire sector where the vorts revolted now belongs to xen and I heard some vorts talking about “seizing the means “ idk what that means but ok

Damn. That really sounds like a Stevens problem to be honest. Realistically I should care, but we haven't even turned the turret system on in Sector D yet so they have no idea what's about to hit them.

[dr-stevens-research]

the turrets are gone Mike

they took the fucking turrets

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Excuse me?

All of them?

All 762?

[dr-stevens-research]

they took them all mike

THEY TOOK THEM ALL

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

HOW???

THEY'RE BUILT INTO THE FUCKING CEILING

[dr-stevens-research]

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I FUCKING KNOW

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

YOU PROBABLY SHOULD CONSIDERING THAT RUNNING BIO CONTAINMENT IS YOUR JOB

[dr-stevens-research]

I WAS BUSY

[a-fellow-scientist]

WITH WHAT?

[dr-stevens-research]

STUFF?!

[dr-jameson-chettmen]

*Casually walks in while adjusting his clothes*

Hello, Michael~!

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Oh... OH

YOU SHITHEADS

[dr-jameson-chettmen]

What did I do?! I simply did nothing wrong here. I am nothing but an innocent man.

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

We're all gonna fucking die, the Vorts are becoming the dominant life-form in the State, and you two are too concerned with fucking to do anything about stopping it!

[a-fellow-scientist]

GODDAMMIT

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

The entire sector where the vorts revolted now belongs to xen and I heard some vorts talking about “seizing the means “ idk what that means but ok

Damn. That really sounds like a Stevens problem to be honest. Realistically I should care, but we haven't even turned the turret system on in Sector D yet so they have no idea what's about to hit them.

[dr-stevens-research]

the turrets are gone Mike

they took the fucking turrets

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Excuse me?

All of them?

All 762?

[dr-stevens-research]

they took them all mike

THEY TOOK THEM ALL

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

HOW???

THEY'RE BUILT INTO THE FUCKING CEILING

[dr-stevens-research]

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I FUCKING KNOW

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

YOU PROBABLY SHOULD CONSIDERING THAT RUNNING BIO CONTAINMENT IS YOUR JOB

[dr-stevens-research]

I WAS BUSY

[a-fellow-scientist]

WITH WHAT?

[dr-stevens-research]

STUFF?!

[a-fellow-scientist]

HORRIBLE EXCUSE

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

The entire sector where the vorts revolted now belongs to xen and I heard some vorts talking about “seizing the means “ idk what that means but ok

Damn. That really sounds like a Stevens problem to be honest. Realistically I should care, but we haven't even turned the turret system on in Sector D yet so they have no idea what's about to hit them.

[dr-stevens-research]

the turrets are gone Mike

they took the fucking turrets

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Excuse me?

All of them?

All 762?

[dr-stevens-research]

they took them all mike

THEY TOOK THEM ALL

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

HOW???

THEY'RE BUILT INTO THE FUCKING CEILING

[dr-stevens-research]

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I FUCKING KNOW

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

YOU PROBABLY SHOULD CONSIDERING THAT RUNNING BIO CONTAINMENT IS YOUR JOB

[dr-stevens-research]

I WAS BUSY

[a-fellow-scientist]

WITH WHAT?

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Yet again, the paperwork piles up on my desk. Equipment Requisitions, Medical Forms, Inciden... zzz. I haven't slept in about 6 days, which may be this year's record. I'd ask Marie to help, but she's passed the hell out at her desk again.

God, I'm fast-tracking a fucking migraine. Put me out of my misery, someone, anyone.

[dr-stevens-research]

Skill issue

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

You are a grown man with a job.

[dr-stevens-research]

So are you

And who’s the one complaining

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Nice to know I can always count on you to be slightly insufferable at all times.

And for the record, no one has unironically said "Skill Issue" since Quake II came out. You've gotta get a new vocabulary.

[dr-stevens-research]

Do you know any other games or did you start living under a rock in college

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Unlike you, I actually have responsibilities that prevent me from playing Counter-Strike at 3 in the morning. I don't think I've played a new multiplayer game since Call of Duty 2. You know, because I'm 38 and care about not getting fired.

[dr-stevens-research]

Thanks for proving my point 🥰

And we both know breen is too scared to fire me

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

As if that's some big surprise.

Yeah, because the last time you left the company, you built an army of robots and decided to invade New Mexico. I'm not surprised.

[a-fellow-scientist]

Almost actually forgot about that one. Almost lost it among the other nonsense.

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

How did you forget that one? How?

[a-fellow-scientist]

You do know how often dangerous wacky shit threatens the facility, right?

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Yet again, the paperwork piles up on my desk. Equipment Requisitions, Medical Forms, Inciden... zzz. I haven't slept in about 6 days, which may be this year's record. I'd ask Marie to help, but she's passed the hell out at her desk again.

God, I'm fast-tracking a fucking migraine. Put me out of my misery, someone, anyone.

[dr-stevens-research]

Skill issue

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

You are a grown man with a job.

[dr-stevens-research]

So are you

And who’s the one complaining

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Nice to know I can always count on you to be slightly insufferable at all times.

And for the record, no one has unironically said "Skill Issue" since Quake II came out. You've gotta get a new vocabulary.

[dr-stevens-research]

Do you know any other games or did you start living under a rock in college

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Unlike you, I actually have responsibilities that prevent me from playing Counter-Strike at 3 in the morning. I don't think I've played a new multiplayer game since Call of Duty 2. You know, because I'm 38 and care about not getting fired.

[dr-stevens-research]

Thanks for proving my point 🥰

And we both know breen is too scared to fire me

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

As if that's some big surprise.

Yeah, because the last time you left the company, you built an army of robots and decided to invade New Mexico. I'm not surprised.

[a-fellow-scientist]

Almost actually forgot about that one. Almost lost it among the other nonsense.

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

How did you forget that one? How?

[a-fellow-scientist]

You do know how often dangerous wacky shit threatens the facility, right?

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Yet again, the paperwork piles up on my desk. Equipment Requisitions, Medical Forms, Inciden... zzz. I haven't slept in about 6 days, which may be this year's record. I'd ask Marie to help, but she's passed the hell out at her desk again.

God, I'm fast-tracking a fucking migraine. Put me out of my misery, someone, anyone.

[dr-stevens-research]

Skill issue

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

You are a grown man with a job.

[dr-stevens-research]

So are you

And who’s the one complaining

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Nice to know I can always count on you to be slightly insufferable at all times.

And for the record, no one has unironically said "Skill Issue" since Quake II came out. You've gotta get a new vocabulary.

[dr-stevens-research]

Do you know any other games or did you start living under a rock in college

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

Unlike you, I actually have responsibilities that prevent me from playing Counter-Strike at 3 in the morning. I don't think I've played a new multiplayer game since Call of Duty 2. You know, because I'm 38 and care about not getting fired.

[dr-stevens-research]

Thanks for proving my point 🥰

And we both know breen is too scared to fire me

[officer-harding-black-mesa]

As if that's some big surprise.

Yeah, because the last time you left the company, you built an army of robots and decided to invade New Mexico. I'm not surprised.

[a-fellow-scientist]

Almost actually forgot about that one. Almost lost it among the other nonsense.

[dr-green-official]

For some reason the Sector C main lift has elevator music now. Why? Was there a point? @a-fellow-scientist I need answers.

[a-fellow-scientist]

Sucks without it. Now it is better.

[blackmesa-official]

femboy vortigaunt

[dr-stevens-research]

How about femboy vortigaunt with a gun

[dr-jameson-chettmen]

^

[a-fellow-scientist]

No. This better not become a reality

[dr-green-official]

I'm still convinced those Chemistry fuckers are running a Meth business out of their lab. Considering they booked one of our lawyers for trading in it, I wouldn't put it past them to be Jimmy's bulk suppliers.

[a-fellow-scientist]

May I ask who "Jimmy" is?

[dr-green-official]

Do you not remember? James, our one singular lawyer who they found out was in the Meth Trade?

[a-fellow-scientist]

Oh, that guy. I only knew him by James and honestly tried to forget that nonsense.

[dr-green-official]

I'm still convinced those Chemistry fuckers are running a Meth business out of their lab. Considering they booked one of our lawyers for trading in it, I wouldn't put it past them to be Jimmy's bulk suppliers.

[a-fellow-scientist]

May I ask who "Jimmy" is?