a flash in the pan

life is full of moments as fleeting as they are dazzling. this is my attempt to capture some of them.

[a-flash-in-the-pan]

2016

I bounced from Tumblr earlier this year, but I thought I would share what’s been going on with me -- I’m sure nobody is following me anymore, but just for my own posterity!

-- JANUARY: Road tripped home after our month-long stint in Chicago where we used our refund IVF money to rent a place in Old Town! It was good to be back in Vegas

-- FEBRUARY: Lost a friend to suicide. I still think about him and his family almost every single day. And how good M was to me during that period.

-- MARCH: Vow renewal party with Vegas friends. Moved home to Chicago! 

-- APRIL: Bought all new furniture, redid our master bathroom and kitchen, almost murdered my husband daily

-- MAY: Acclimated to Chicago, went to Summer Camp over Memorial Day

-- JUNE: Had our homecoming Do Division party! Started second cycle of IVF at FCI, went way better than the first one, got five blastocysts. No transfer, freeze-all due to OHSS risk.

-- JULY: Summertime Chi, concerts, friends, the lake

-- AUGUST: Vacay to Iceland, Copenhagen, Greece. M baptized our niece in Greece.

-- SEPTEMBER: Moms 60th birthday trolley party, transfer of one embryo, Vegas trip, pregnant! So happy! 

-- OCTOBER: First ultrasound, suspected blighted ovum. Second ultrasound, definite blighted ovum. 3 more weeks of “holding out hope” = ended up not pregnant, back to the starting line. Body had no clue what was going on for weeks, despite my hope for a natural miscarriage.

-- NOVEMBER: D&C, black hole of a month, developed an Erin Condren planner obsession to feel “in control” of my life

-- DECEMBER: Start of real recovery, started therapy, feeling better, hosted two Christmas parties, spent NYE in Denver

When you break it down like that, 2015 flew by!

2016: I’m not making any kind of intention or resolution or any of that. My “intention” is to keep my head above water. Stay functional (because there have been points where I haven’t been), stay in therapy, keep doing things that make me happy in the moment. Stay close to M. Stay close to friends who care about me. And just do the best I can.

See you next year, Tumblr! 

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Love this - I kind of have a casual "uniform" for working from home, but if I worked in an office I would definitely be down with this. I don't really express myself through fashion, so for someone like me it's perfect.

[a-flash-in-the-pan]

Good Friday

Since moving here two weeks ago, I’ve had very few nights without plans to keep or tasks to tackle. I don’t expect the next week to be any different. Tomorrow my fam is going to Book of Mormon and Sunday is Easter slash our first Hawks game. So tonight was time for some much-needed:

Exercise: I’ve been using Class Pass for the last month and have gotten the opportunity to try a bunch of weird classes I otherwise wouldn’t know about or want to pay a drop-in fee for. Today was The Dailey Method, which was fun!

New Face Wash: Why is going into Lush such a production? Why is the customer-to-employee ratio about 1 to 5? Why do they always insist on me sitting down and getting something rubbed on the top of my hand? Nonetheless, I now have new face wash and toner because mine is in an unpacked box somewhere.

Going Clear: Finally! Have heard so much about this documentary, and now that we have a TV I am ready to take advantage of it.

Seamless: Never had this in Las Vegas and am already a huge fan. Ordering delivery without having to talk to a human is exactly what I need today.

And wine. Because duh.

Happy Friday, friends!

[meredithbklyn]

This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find … themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. … they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated. Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? … Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?” Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love, and with people who believe … life is a grand adventure. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

Relevant magazine (via awelltraveledwoman)

[a-flash-in-the-pan]

We know we’re not supposed to grocery shop when hungry. We know the result – a cart full of empty choices that make us salivate but will not nourish. And yet, we do this every day, right here. We blink at the screen, our thumbs scrolling down, down, down. Another sunset. Another macaroon. Another fiddle leaf fig tree. We are starving, our hunger insatiable. And we mindlessly, accidentally, subconsciously fill our grocery carts – these beautiful minds – with empty choices that make us salivate but will not nourish.

"The Apple Slice (and Social Media)" -- http://www.designformankind.com/2015/03/apple-slice/ 

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This Is How We Date Now

I can't completely relate to this since Tinder and smartphones were before my time (dating-wise) but I think it's a great reflection on social media and comparing and other complications of living in the digital age. 

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10 Types of Odd Friendships You're Probably Part Of | Wait But Why

When you're young, you make friends kind of by accident. Then they stick.

This was a really thought provoking article on prioritizing the right friendships as you get older. Probably requires a solid 20 minutes to read carefully - it's worth it!

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I think if I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.

Jon Katz (via andkatesays, otherwiseknownaskate, & my-little-kumquat)

I need to do better.

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I was so depressed yesterday. For no reason at all. There was no trigger... just a general feeling of grey. I lay in savasana last night and watched dark clouds float about my head. I tried to visualize them dissipating so sunshine could break through, but I couldn't get there. Strange things happened yesterday. A drawer in my kitchen closed on its own. "Weird, it must need a screw tightened" I thought. When I crawled into bed, I was overtaken by dread and an awareness of my own mortality (not part of my usual nighttime routine), and it took forever to fall asleep. I heard several things shift and fall in the middle of the night, which I discovered this morning. Some DVDs in my closet that were stacked on one another (but hadn't been touched in a week). The squeegee hanging in my shower. A pen rolled off my desk and I found it on the floor this morning. In the middle of the night, Taylor came into my room to whine, which she NEVER does. I swear to god, I thought to myself, "There's a poltergeist in my house." Then - just a few hours ago - I found out my friend is dead. He died early yesterday, by his own hand. I don't want to type that out because it makes it real. But there is it. When I got a call with the news, I knew it was something about Tom. He had been struggling for years and battling demons it seemed no one could save him from. But God did I love being his friend. Golfing in junior high at the 3-par course. Shopping at Woodfield and scheming with him to land his dream girl in high school. Visiting each other at our new colleges - Iowa for him, Bradley for me. Breaking plates and yelling "opa" at our wedding's after party (which was not a Greek establishment, by the way.) Riding the Damen bus back and forth to each other's apartments in the city. Then darkness closed in. At first, only glimpses. But then happening closer and closer together until it engulfed him and there wasn't much else to say. The second-guessing started immediately. Could I have done more? Should I have flown home, marched into his mom's basement and dragged him into the light against his will? Is that even possible? What more could I have done? I told him how much I cared about him, but the last time we really, truly talked was in the fall. Was I so caught up in my own suffering I didn't try enough to help him fight off his? It seemed like trying to bail out the Titanic with a beach bucket - but could I have done more? I don't know the point of writing this other than I'm alone, and I really don't want to go to sleep tonight. I don't think it will be peaceful for me, but I hope with all my heart it is for him.

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Brittany Payton, you've come a long way since you depantsed me underwater at summer camp in the 90s and laughed with all your friends.

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Finally feeling better from her teeth cleaning and trying to squiggle out of my lap, as usual. ❤️

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"Jealous" is too much of a jam for me to believe Nick Jonas wrote it himself.

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Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!

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I have this coworker who loooooves Disney. I always roll my eyes and we joke about how she's going to bring me back embroidered mouse ears every time she comes back from a trip. It's like her favorite thing in the world and I am a grade-A hater (I know, a killjoy) so it's fun to joke about. And then this autocorrect happened. 😂

[otherwiseknownaskate]

Could You Go 40 Days Without Being Mean?

[a-flash-in-the-pan]

An experiment in being nice — or, as the yogis call it, “medium-soft.”