this is it

[a-nowpanna-ha]

type until my fingers bleed

i could never. i mean, unless i type reallyhard. i really don't type that much.

how are you? i hope you're not here. and if youu are, (you should text me) and if you are, or are not, regardless, in whatever situation. i hope you're well. i hope everyone arround you ios well.

okie, i guess i'll go now. see ya laterr

[a-nowpanna-ha]

i originally came here to see how u r doing and hope you're doing well

[a-nowpanna-ha]

oh no, trolls and lazy perverts found me. guess i sshouldn't have watered those seeds

[a-nowpanna-ha]

nudes?

lol, that's hilarious

[a-nowpanna-ha]

hiểu và thương

how much can i really write. seems like what goes on inside the head is not always helpful being released. i mean, sometimes it's great, but fear is an emotion the guides actions and being.

it's wednesday nov 9, 9am in boulder colorado. i'm in my sister's room, i mean, she decorated it and i guess her clothes are here, so it's her room. funny how some of the stuff here is mine. that's who we are.

tôi viết được bao nhiêu. có lẻ điều trong đầu không giúp được gì khi thả ra. ý tôi là, có lúc thì rất tốt, nhưng sợ hải là cảm thọ giấc hành đọng và sóng.

hôm nay là ngày 16 tháng 10 âm lịch, 9 giờ sáng ở boulder, cồ lố ra đồ. tôi đang ở phòng em gai, ý tôi là, em gái trang xoạn phòng và có lẻ quần áo em gái ở đay, thì là phòng của nó. hài hức là có đồ của tôi ở đay. đó là chị em tôi.

[a-nowpanna-ha]

it's been a long time, shouldn't have left you

left you a beat to step to

step to

ok. done with the lyrics. so you may (or may not) be reading this and i could write to my audience, but to be honest, i came here bc i had some feelings to write and i'm not sure if i'm going to write them here

:)

but i do hope you're doing well. i'm so sorry that your aunt passed away. i wish life didn't deal you/all of us some of the cards that it does. i hope you're taking extra special care of yourself. i think your aunt would have wanted that.

hope to see u next friday chi/ban/an/ha an

[a-nowpanna-ha]

Omg plz don’t look at my stuff

Hehe

[a-nowpanna-ha]

2017

[a-nowpanna-ha]

Haha baby times

[a-nowpanna-ha]

hi chị

i mean an, happy birthday. actually, it's quite a ways away. i hope you're doing well. i think i miss you.

wishing for your happiness

[a-nowpanna-ha]

untitled like what

dearest love, i mean, hello my friend, i mean

what do i mean

i was going to send u a text and it seems, (what does it even mean) that this post will suffice.

(sigh)

creative writing, creative writing.

i was checking my emails, and instead of responding to an email, i thought i would jot down some notes here instead.

i wanna sweep the house? or actually just the kitchen

i have a third of a vegetarian banh mi in the fridge, bread is probably hard because wrapping it in paper is not an acceptable? no, sufficient? eh, adequate, yes, the paper is not an adequate means of food storage for this particular food item.

i finished it, i finished reading mo dao zu shi. i feel so late to the game, i feel like this could have saved me.

sigh, but i'm here now, i'm still here, and i have many conditions of wellness and happiness.

creative writing.

once upon a time, there was a person, who was born female. this person had a heart, that beat 24/7. this female non binary but v femme, except for sometimes, or more like a lot of times, relatively.

ok, let's get back to the story.

once upon a time, there was a female born person who was very very gay, so queer, she could barely contain it. she prefers the pronouns they them and was happy whenever ppl called them chanh. her chanh. my brain is scattered, i stayed up late and woke up early, don't at me.

creative writing. have i written enough? what is this even for? i know what it's for.

creative writing, filmmaking industry, me me me. i'm here.

once upon a time, there was a female born person who identifies w the pronouns they them. she's comfortable w she, but she believes strongly in using they them, despite it not feeling as settled. they went to sleep late last night and woke up early this morning. they hope to go to sleep earlier. they will probably spend many hours today thinking about the content they've been obsessively consuming over the last week or so. they thought the craze was done several times and although they hope that they can really have a more balanced schedule, they don't dare think they can eliminate the possibility, and only live that balanced lifestyle.

does too much of this not make sense?

alllllrrriiiight, creative writing is done for today.

dearest love, are we losing our marbles? i love u very much. see u later.

[a-nowpanna-ha]

i got stuck on linkedin, my profile is updated and i know what a couple of my friend's pictures look like.

it's thursday, i'm going to union city to be with my nieces + cousin. cousin in law. family and procreation is a concept. an interesting one.

i don't have a vision for what i wanna look like today, as much as i did the other day.

creative writing.

once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in a man's world. she worked tirelessly to learn about the world and change it. in the end she died and the world lived on. the end.

i thought i had more things going on today, but it seems like it's my weekend that's jam packed. good luck to me~

more creative writing.

once upon a time, there was a girl, who grew up to be a woman. this woman doesn't feel old enough to be a woman but she's definitely no longer a girl. she's in the inbetween wondering when she will feel like a woman. she also doesn't even identify as a woman. she is an adult. she is 30. she's actually 30.5 today, however folks quantify or classify that. she woke up feeling grumpy, her right ear sore. her throat sore. she woke up in despair. she realized that the thoughts of despair were present in her mind consciousness and she invited mindfulness + joy to join despair in the living room of her thoughts. now she feels a lot better, it could be because of the coffee she drank. she submitted an audition tape yesterday and it's such a precious project, she hopes to be a part of it. she hopped on tumblr and the rest is history. the end.

every day i choose to be a filmmaker. i can't believe how this intention grows stronger every day. this time last year, i was very lost, very empty, very on the verge of being nothing.

i am thankful to be here. i am thankful for my sister and you who are patient and caring of me. i hope to repay your kindness one day. i am doing my best to repay it right now. the present moment is all we have. my actions are my only true possessions.

creative writing.

gay relationships. the reincarnation of romeo and juliet. the beginning anew. the conflict, and drama. the want of something different, the return of the familiar. women relationships w women. i am excited to see an ancient historical lesbian period piece. i can continue living for that. i can wait for that.

every day i choose to be a filmmaker.

dearest love, have a great day. i am here w u if u choose to see me. and we can live w happiness and joy, but u need to choose and practice that. i love u, i'll see u later~

[a-nowpanna-ha]

so if i change my url, does that mean ...

hello, i'm back, second day. good job me. it's tuesday, march 22, 2022, 8:09am. what a moment, if i'm living in the moment. i feel very babbly rn.

i can see the moon fading from my window. it's so nice. it's also interesting how the sun shines on the moon.

the anger in me. i realize have anger. i used to think, when listening to advice on how to deal w anger, i barely ever get angry. but i realize, my annoyances are also a type of anger. when i get irritated or judgemental of how another person acts, like my parents, that can be classified as anger. and so i think i'm quite an angry person. my anger is present almost all the time. it's the stove that keeps the food warm, except this food, doesn't taste that good.

so i'm looking to transform my anger, now that i've recognized it. i'm quite angry w my father. and i feel sad about that. i wish i could be warm and fresh w him. but i hold anger. i can't let it go, yet. i intend to let it go, i would like to heal. is that even possible?

when i was at the monastery, co quyen would say, you can improve your relationship w your parents. i thought, i love my parents, i'm very friendly w them, she obviously doesn't know me. but, maybe she knows a part of me that i won't recognize within myself. or maybe she got lucky and guessed correctly based on her vast living experience. whatever the case, living w my parents, i am facing our connection and time from the past. it lives in the present moment.

i used to be- i used to be upbeat, loving, forgetful/forgiving. i used to be optimistic, naive, impulsive. now, around my parents, i'm just trying to survive. i'm just trying to pace myself, take care of my emotions so i don't explode and need to move out. i've moved out so many times. i've exploded so many times. my mom wants to stay in this house bc it's brought us good luck, but there are blemishes in the walls, the floors cover secret spirits that rise up to the skylight, trying to escape, trying to be released from this realm.

how fortunate i am to have an opportunity to be in despair. my problems, luckily, are first world problems. they are the problems of a global south citizen moved north. but a knife in the body, still hurts, no matter how pretty the handle is. i'm lucky i won't die from this wound, i mean. i'm lucky that there are relatively more resources to heal this wound.

i'm getting back into the filmmaking mindset, this time really trying to commit to acting as 'time runs out.' so many times i've left, and each time i've come back. i don't know what i'm saying anymore. maybe i should read and revise instead.

good luck my love. i know today is another day to go at it. live your best life as deeply as you can. i love u very much, and i am always here w u. i am always cheering u on and comforting u as long as u remember to come back to me. thank u for choosing happiness and well-being. thank u for taking care of yourself, taking breaks, and connecting w the essence of life. have a great day and hopefully, i'll see u tomorrow~

[a-nowpanna-ha]

creative morning writing

there's probably other places that i can put this but i love tumblr and i am excited by the possibility of your attention. i should probably think more about those.

anyywayys.

it's monday, the mindfulness bell is going off for 8:15A and i was thinking about just typing away for thirty minutes to an hour. probably more on the thirty minutes.

i've changed my ig to nowpanna. i was planning on writing a post about it, but this morning, i thought. maybe i'll just not. i've been thinking about whether this is a bad move, changing my name more than a lot of ppl, and for sure time will tell. i don't know for sure now.

would this qualify as creative writing? it is my first time and it is monday, so i'll give myself those excuses.

i keep thinking about the script i wrote about how i go to the supermarket w my parents and then turn into a robot. sometimes my thoughts surprise me. i didn't think that it affected me so deeply, the wish my mom and parents(?) have for me to be like everyone else. so when i wrote that script, and think back on it, it just keeps replaying in my head.

there was another time when i thought to myself, just in passing, if only i was a machine, so i wouldn't need to sleep and could work all the time. i wouldn't have feelings that would stop me from working. i just remembered that there are some folks (cough cough) who turn to work to avoid their feelings. that's not me. do i wish that were me... (question for another time.) i think my feelings stop me from doing work. maybe in the past, they've also hid my feelings, but when i had this thought of wanting to be a machine... i was surprised again. i think of myself as someone who likes to have 'work-life balance,' so why would i just want to work? thinking deeper about this mental formation, i see that i acknowledge my humaness. that's as much as i can think about this thought path right now.

creative writing. i've been watching a lot of boy love content / queer asian pacific content on netflix. it's been watering all sorts of seeds, some unwholesome seeds i think. but it's also opened up some hurt from the past. hopefully opened up so i can heal better, and not to just fester and add more water to the ocean of tears. (wow, poetic?)

2020, it was an explosion. it doesn't stand alone but i can't deny the magnitude of the drama trauma. 2021, uncoupling, and learning to be my own soulmate, learning how to live. and now we're in march of 2022, the first quarter of the gregorian year about to be finished and in the past.

i need to be specific about my goals. well, i just wanna say, thank u for making a website for me. don't feel obligated or pressured. be well my friend. let go, even if // especially if, it's me.

goals. my wellbeing is the most important goal for me. it seems quite obvious and simple that without my wellbeing, i can't have anything else well, but w that realization, i am fortunate to see that i've taken my wellbeing for granted. i think i can sacrifice that for half of other successes. and now i choose. do i want to choose suffering and a tainted unhealthy vision, or can i sit still, and know.

we'll see how things play out. i make plans and some happen and some don't happen the way i planned.

good luck my love, have a wonderful day. i am here w you. the night scares me, so i'll probably need to take care of that. taking care of my present i take care of my future. i love you <3 see u later~

[a-nowpanna-ha]

days of peace

i think kiese laymon said something about re-writing. good writing is about editing and revising.

dearest love, i'm sorry you're in pain right now. i see fear arising in you and i am here to take care of it with you.

i adore you and i believe in you. thank you for being brave and doing your best to live deeply.

good job on developing a schedule here in cupertino. and i know it takes work.

dear love, let the universe take care of u and us. it's constantly here for us. put out your hand, it's waiting for you.

i love you~

[a-nowpanna-ha]

writing to write

hi :) i hope you're doing well. seems like a lot is going on. and i am confident that you will get through this. life always works itself out. i am always here for and w you + the ones u love + r meant to be w.

ive finished watching the untamed on netflix and i started getting into reading the summaries of the manga...? manhua is based on. it's good. it's a lot. and hopefully, i won't be obsessed anymore. i want to imagine a girl / non cis man version of it. the queerness of the untamed is so good though. it's sparked me.

we're starting the second week of march2022. what a life.

video day is coming up. i'll probably talk about my relationship to content soon. but i'm also doing a video dump of my zoom calls w myself.

i'm also going to try not to drink coffee starting tomorrow.

i'm doing my best to live in the moment

and take refuge in my breath

my true home is in the here and now.

to myself: i love you, i'm here for you. i believe in you and thank you.

[a-nowpanna-ha]

lonely place on the internet

hello internet, it's me, ngoc anna. :) being here has several feelings. one of which is wondering if an is going to be reading this. my bet is that she will. and those possibilities bring up their own separate feelings, which actually are included in the original feelings.

i should really clean up this blog. there's much incriminating information here and although at the moment, i don't care, there is fear that some day i will.

i came here with several ideas in mind. one was to write to an. another was to write to belinda. and now, i'm doing neither (although, i kinda am writing to an.)

hi an, i hope you're doing well. i'm sorry i'm not able to help u move at the moment. i wonder if you're ok. and i wonder if your world is ok. i won't get more into specifics bc this blog is somewhat public and i don't have your permission to share more. i've been thinking about sending u something. first is was milk tea, now it's an airtag, and now i'm writing u this letter, if this counts as a letter. what if u don't read it? anyways. sending u healing happy energy. sincerely, ngoc anh

dear belinda, you're an awesome sister. i am very lucky to be your sibling. you're awesome sauce and i hope to always be there for u, be present, and support u.

maybe if i change my url, ppl won't be able to find my tumblr anymore. when i say people, first in that list is an. just thinking some thoughts. i think there's a possibility that if an were to read this, she would think that i'm angry or upset with her. i'm not upset w u, just writing things.

alright, there are things i have decided to do, such as check out amazon publishing. maybe i'll see u again soon. maybe not. in any case, i hope you're well and happy. to myself + the world - i love u