My Life's Journal

a mom, I love art, and trying to make my life full with happiness

[a-q-dreams]

Sometimes, I feel like I am learning to walk again, this is how confused I am feeling right now..

I am learning about emotions, love, attraction, and men.. and I am annoyed how I don’t get it!

Not sure why, I just don’t! Since I was little, I paid very little attention to humans, I just don’t feel comfortable around them..

And mmm I always knew in a way, that I am not attractive to men, by default..

I only saw older sisters gets attention, from men, and women.. but I didn’t get any, I still don’t..

And mmm I am wondering at this age, why was that?

I know I am not super pretty or anything like that, but I think, maybe me, myself, is what is lacking something all those years.. a secret that I have never known, something I may never have?

That’s why, I prefer loneliness.. I wouldn’t care as much if I am not married to be honest.. but me not living how I wanna live, is killing me!

I don’t want to follow rules, I don’t want to be liked, I wanna be who i am!

Those men, are too complicated as a task for me! Let them chase, hunt, and have their games somewhere else, with someone else, faaar faar away from me!

I hate complicated, and I hate to care about it..

I don’t want to mold myself to those molds, the ones men usually like..

[a-q-dreams]

One of things I was thinking about today..

Is how I feel about texting kevin about my thoughts..

For some reason, I tent to hold back..

I think about him being a man, me being a woman, woman are more talkative and seek more communication, he may not enjoy the constant connection..

I also think about how his wife may feel about a female friend always texting random thought to her husband who have been to the field and now with her but working on his projects, and then me who wants to take part of her cake too! Then I feel like I should give space for them..

Then I think, I want a friend 🥹

Hmmmmm I over think things, and really need to feel extra comfortable texting the people I care about, if they don’t show how much they enjoy talking to me or requesting for that themselves I tend to step back, and I am not sure if this is the way to go.. I want connection and affection, yet I step back a lot..

I also don’t blame anyone, as if I don’t talk how would they know..

I will try to breath and wait for things to flow on its own path..

[a-q-dreams]

I have been thinking about life, and what really make us continue living..

It’s been always a hard question for me to answer..

How do I want to live my life, and what is worth living..

Having kids is this what gives people propose?

I am not sure if what I want is just having my youthful years goes growing out children!

For some reason it doesn’t feel like it is the answer..

I want to be free, run and dance.. i want to experience other cultures, eat different food, and see different smiles..

[a-q-dreams]

I feel gratitude for all the men who work on the field so I can get my office job..

I know as a woman I can work on the field, but I don't want it, it is very hard to work on the field..

Today is my first day of my menstrual cycle, and I am in pain! Very tiered and feel disgusting..

I am glad at the end of my shift I can lay down on my clean bed, eat healthy food, and be comfortable at home.. i didn’t had to wear dirty coveralls, wear heavy boots, eat tasteless food, and smell like grease at the end my shift, and for that I am thankful for every man who is doing all that so his woman didn’t have too..

Thanks to all good men, who do a lot, and sacrifice a lot for our comfort..

[a-q-dreams]

I am unable to sleep

I hate night shifts

Sleeping alone, i hate this

Wish husband is near, hugging him from the back and kissing his shoulders, that would be nice

Holding him, feeling his warmth and fell asleep

[a-q-dreams]

I laughed today,,

Thinking how much Kevin is matching my husband's behavior at our first year of marriage..

The only common thing between them is me lol..

What I am hinting at, is that I was right! Men usually don't give much attention to me.. And at first I thought maybe that's not true, and Kevin does really like me and I will get attention from him.. But no 😂 same exact behavior, rarely texting me, not replaying immediately to my texts, and not have side conversations with me..

I have read before that men are like hunters, they like the challenge, and I am not like that, I like to be open and free, I like to say what's on my mind and be affectionate which I guess is a turn off for men..

To be honest, I did consider changing my behavior around husband to see if that will spice up things, and I bought the book “why men like bitches” to turn me into a bitch I guess lol, but then I felt too fake! I truely rather be alone than change to match what the people around me wants me to be.. I want to be myself, and do what makes me happy..

All I want right now is a friend, I wish to have a friend who I can chat with and laugh without any restrictions..

It seems I am still looking for that friend, even tho I really thought I found that one 💔

[a-q-dreams]

I feel, scared…

Scared of the consequences..

Wish there is someone patting on my head, saying everything will be ok..

But no one will, no one should..

I am bad for what I did, and if there are consequences, I deserve it..

Bad for not controlling my self, bad for not considering my husband’s emotions, and my son’s future..

I am sorry, sorry for being lonely and seeking affection from someone who I consider a friend..

I need to fill my free time, and try to do interesting adventures with my husband..

Husband, he started to show me love recently, can’t shake the feeling that I am directing my feelings of Kevin into him.. maybe all what he was wishing for is a woman with a crazy love for him…

Ah, wish life less complicated….

Also, I have been thinking about how Kevin is really seeing me, unfaithful? A mom with really little consideration for her family? Someone who can disregard a live long relationship for someone else??

I am not sure how he is really seeing me, I can only know what he is telling me, that he has no judgment on me.. Yet, we all have judgements! At least down deep..

Also, I know very little about him, he almost knows everything about me! That's clear unbalance yeah?

Yeah not sure, just rambling………

[a-q-dreams]

My heart is aching, my soul is cold, hearing a novel about a Jewish girl experience during the holocaust, it made me cry and cry about the literal hell they lived in earth, by humans…..

Why? Why the lived like that? For what reason? For only religious beliefs and heritage??

Very sad, very sad…

[a-q-dreams]

“Limerence for someone other than one's spouse can cause major disruption to the family”

Love and Limerence the Experience of Being in Love - Dorothy Tennov

[a-q-dreams]

I need to focus…

[a-q-dreams]

I crave you..

Thinking about touching and be touched by you, makes me loose it!

My breathing change, i feel my heartbeat, my body getting warmer, and i feel my wetness..

I want to kiss you, feel you, and do all the crazy things in my mind..

I can’t stop it, at least not now, not today..

Your darker skin, it turns me on! I want to taste my dark chocolate..

I would probably not sleep tonight, unable to release myself..

I want you, I can’t stop desiring you..

[a-q-dreams]

Is it sad that I still wish you text me? Wishing that you think about me as much as I do, for you..

I don't remember when was the last time you initiated a conversation.. And you were the one who told me you love me..

I think I know what loving me meant to you.. It wasn't a vow that you will stay by my side..

It is ok, I do love myself above anyone else, and for that I am glad..

Will never beg for attention, not from you, and not from anyone else..

Will try to enjoy the journey, the journey of us, even when you are not really around..

I do love you, I am attracted to you, and I do think about you every minute of my day.. And that's ok, I will move on eventually, it is a time matter, and I will be patient..

You will forever be someone very special to me <3

[a-q-dreams]

I am still thinking about making journaling a daily routine of mine..

Organizing my daily thoughts and improving my writing skills..

Let’s see if I can commit to that :)

[a-q-dreams]

Hmmm i still get triggered by some of the tragic stories I listen to..

I am listening about a controlling father who ended up k*lling all of his family members including himself..

Describing how controlling he was to his older daughter, made me remember how i felt when my father was around……………

[a-q-dreams]

Since I was little,

Rarely anyone paid attention to me, i am not saying i was trying to get attention, but even for the few ppl i liked and tried to make them notice me and be close to me, they didn’t share the feelings back..

I got married, i did like my husband a lot, and cried a lot from frustration because he wasn’t as in love or as interested..

Years pass by I wonder why I wanted a child, probably because I wanted him to have the US citizenship, as a future plan?? Who knows..

I very very rarely get interested on anyone, not sure why, probably because I assume from the start I will not get close to them enough to be myself anyways..

Till that day, I looked at Kevin, as he was in my group and I tried to have small conversation, we talked about our children, my son and he showed me a pic of his twins..

I got close to him because he is calm, has a very charming accent, and the way he looked at me, I wonder if looks at all women the same way, and it was only me who thought I was special..

For the past year, I still can’t believe that someone got interested in me like that.. not because I think I am unattractive, I just think I am not the typical woman who the ppl usually like..

Having conversations with him, made me feel like I am the total opposite of what he usually date, and also his wife, the person he chose to marry, we are very different.. made me question if he really like me, or he just wanted to see what is the total opposite feels like..

I still love him though, but I really doubt he ever did love me, and that’s ok..

I loved how safe I felt around him, a feeling I rarely feel around people..

I want us to stay friends, but I need to think less of him, specially sexually, i am still very attached to him..

Things will come with time, and he is really helping my paying 0.5 interest on me..

I am sad at the moment, but I will move on eventually..

[a-q-dreams]

Writing here, because I have no one where i can really talk freely with no restrictions, weather it is the fear of judgement or no one has the time for my random ramblings..

Ah, ok soooo, I have been thinking about my dark sides, meaning the slightly off sides of me..

Wondering how I became like this, being unstable in a way..

Where it all starts..??

I have been watching “Soft White Underbelly” channel, and relating to some of the people who are sharing their lives and darkest secrets..

I wonder how fucked up i am, or is it? Even though some of the people who were interviewed, I know that the majority of people will not say they are normal people with normal ideas, but I don’t think they are fucked up..

I think we are all humans, and we need to understand that somethings are related to nature, this is how we react to protect ourselves..

The idea is, where are the lines? Where is the limit? When I know for sure that a certain idea is bad? Can ideas be also restricted?? To which limit a person should restrict their ideas and thoughts??

Not sure yet…

[a-q-dreams]

I feel alone and lonely..

Craving a mirror, a reflection off me.. connection!