[a-rosebyanyother]

I wrote something:

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[a-rosebyanyother]

It feels like I’m carrying with me some baggage from all the previous workplaces. Of course, it comes together with my own inability to let them go and leave them behind.

I just don’t understand how something that is so small, can weigh so heavily sometimes. I've said time and time again that it doesn't define me. My successes, my failures doesn't define me. But I keep letting it get to me.

To be honest, I'm kinda tired of being so gripped by anxiety each day. There are still soooooo many more years of work that I'll have to face and it is really not sustainable at this rate. Sometimes I'm just really tempted to get some help just to process these feelings.

I've said time and time again that I want to get back into writing. I've gone back to read some of my writing prompts that I did previously. Most were pretty cringey, but there were a couple that I was kinda impressed by haha.

Where did that side of me go? (where did the me with good english? That said being said, where did the happy, imaginative me back in school go?) - Though it might be that i'm just looking at the past through rose tinted glasses heh.

Growing up, work, it feels like I've been stifled by life. But then...it's just learnt helplessness isn't.

I still...have the ability for change. For the better. Despite how stuck I feel. There's still room for growth. I just stop fighting against life, and let things flow and just go with it and enjoy the ride.

[a-rosebyanyother]

C1 Childe!!! (not rolling anymore..F2P woes)

[a-rosebyanyother]

Had a dream where I got impaled lol.

It has been awhile since I’ve actively panicked so hard in a dream. Even the one where there was a terrorist attack was okay. This time I knew that I was dreaming but I just couldn’t wake up.

[a-rosebyanyother]

Starting my new job on Monday and...it has finally sunk in haha. I’ve been on a break over the past 2 weeks and it felt that all these time I’ve just pushing way the thought of what’s gonna come. 

To be really honest...I’m not completely excited for it haha. Sure, it’s a new environment, and I was feeling really stuck (and kinda burnt out) at my previous place so at this point, any change is welcome. But it’s still the unknown and it could end up being a shitter place.

I guess...even though it might be shit, it is still new shit and new shit is better than old shit (as per the wise words of a friend heh). And I’m not tied down to this place, and no matter what happens, it’s not the end of the world. Work is just one aspect of life. 

I’ve really enjoyed my break so it’s time to get back to work. 

(not looking forward to the monday blues though)

[a-rosebyanyother]

Ei’s story quest is surprisingly funny

[a-rosebyanyother]

Why did they separate childe and thoma?!? :(

[a-rosebyanyother]

The anxiety peaks in the afternoons then fades away late at night. And it happens in this cyclical manner day after day

I’m just waiting for myself to crash lol. And I hope it happens while i’m on break so…it wouldn’t affect the new job

[a-rosebyanyother]

I’ve been feeling like -

The world’s time has been rushing ahead like an unceasing current but my time has stood still for the past 2 years, untouched despite everything.

And it feels weird and discomforting.

Gaming, learning Japanese. Work, it feels like they are all dust and smoke.

It doesn’t help that it has been remote church for so long and I just feel really detached sometimes.

I guess seeing how much my baby niece has grown up these 2 years just makes the feeling so much more acute.

[a-rosebyanyother]

I need to wait almost 2 weeks to find out if Kazuha’s gonna be alright. I can’t -

[a-rosebyanyother]

Ayaka’s story quest made me so emotional

[a-rosebyanyother]

Stumbled into a new enemy (perpetual mechanical array) while just trying to collect electroculus and wondering why is it taking so long to defeat.

Then only realizing afterwards that it WAS actually a boss fight when the prompt about using resin to claim rewards appeared.

[a-rosebyanyother]

It’s one of those days where everything is just tiring, and I’m upset by small things at work and I hate that I am in this state

[a-rosebyanyother]

Sometimes I think about how much anxiety work brings, and the fact that i’ll have to continue working for what 40, 50 years? For the rest of my life?

Not sure if I can deal with this

[a-rosebyanyother]

I want a lot of things, but I do not have the ability

[a-rosebyanyother]

Nighttime is for me to sit in a puddle of my own guilt about the day’s events. 😔

[a-rosebyanyother]

*reminder to self

I am thankful that...

I have a home. That my house is properly furnished. We have wifi, proper toilets and food. That my work can still be done remotely. That I’m still getting paid.

I am thankful that...

My family has a pretty good relationship with one another, such that we are okay spending long hours together.

I am thankful that...

My country’s government is sound and they care for the people. That we have a good healthcare system and adequate facilities. That we do not need to worry about having not enough food (for now) for a small country that depend so heavily on imports.

I am thankful that...

We have technology. Work goes on. People can stave away time with games, movies and tv series. That we are able to continue to communicate with one another despite social distancing.

So even though this circuit breaker thing will start soon, even though we have people going to the supermarkets and hording (people pls. Don’t. I’m not thankful for you). I think we will be okay.