Fighting for your life leaves a mark on you in ways that are often hard to describe. If all our battles left scars visible to the eyes, we would seldom have anyone who is seen as they really are. So many of us would be covered head to toe in marks, I sometimes wonder if we would look human at all. Sometimes the deepest running scars we have are the ones least visible to others. It might leave us to question whether we even live in the same world when nobody else can see it. Sometimes it seems better to deny that your pain is real, to pretend it doesn't exist, since nobody else can see it. When you continue on like this, for a time, it seems to work. Taking your mind elsewhere to pretend like everything is okay. At least you can maintain a positive outlook. So, you get really good at enduring pain. It becomes your solution for everything, just keep silent and endure the pain. Until you can't.
Then, you realize things change in ways you never wanted. Your body fights back against your attempts to endure the pain because it no longer trusts you to protect it anymore. It shuts you down and turns off everything that makes you, you. Your mind can't seem to process what's around you anymore. You soon lose your memories like crazy. You might begin to wonder why your heart feels like it's going to stop from pounding so hard, and breathing is becoming so hard it feels like suffocation is just around the corner. You might ask, why is my body behaving like this? Am I even me anymore? Why can't I control my body anymore? Why does it feel like it's dying all the time?
When I got my diagnosis, I realized I'd been going through life on the most challenging 'difficulty level.' I was taking on the end boss at level 1, and hating myself for not being able to do the impossible all alone. Everything finally made sense, but the worst part was finding out that it wasn't my fault. If it was my fault, I could just fix what needed to be fixed. But, I didn't cause it, so it wasn't something I could fix. Someone else had to help me heal from damage to my health so severe, it could significantly shorten my lifespan as a whole. I thought I only had depression, but it turns out I had trauma so severe that nobody would be able to function after enduring what I had. Not without understanding, support, and help from others. All these things I didn't have growing up or even in my adult life. While at Uni. I was enduring more Trauma on top of everything else. That only added to the long-term trauma I'd endured growing up. We live in a time where people do increasingly inhuman things to one another.
Looking back, one professor of mine knew. I didn't know at the time, but he always knew. I had almost forgotten he mentioned it. But, he had gone through something similar. He knew that you wouldn't be able to do something about it unless you knew. I certainly didn't know what I was dealing with. So he said something about how we as students needed to take care of our health, especially our mental and emotional health. Enduring extreme life challenges can destroy your career and make recovery that much harder when you finally collapse. We needed to take care of ourselves. I was still trying to force my life to work when so much was broken. I remember responding saying, 'But how do we take care of ourselves if we can't afford it?' He simply said that we all have to figure it out, but just don't let it slip past us until it's too late.
As almost a gift in disguise, my health cost me my job, the roof over my head, and my means of staying alive. I was in full survival mode and I couldn't stand on my own two legs anymore. Because I wasn't able to function anymore, people were willing to finally help. No more, 'just suck it up.' Real help this time. I received my diagnosis, and for the first time in my life, I was given permission to just focus on healing. Not anything else. In due time, the rest would come as I was ready and capable.
There is a decent article that I found while doing research on my health. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who feels they have been through a lot in their life.
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