Lately, I can't stop listening to "Ceremony" by New Order. Although the song is officially a New Order song, it really belongs to Ian Curtis. It was written about 2 weeks before his suicide. It feels so special to me, like it exists in the space that's reserved for things that live in the depths of someone's heart. That doesn't really make sense. It just feels especially vulnerable and heartfelt.
I know what it feels like to feel like you'll be just watching, forever. That's what makes it feel so special, maybe.
Ian Curtis died when he was 23. That is so young. He's only 4 years older than me. He was married and had a child, but he was so close to his own youth. But I feel like I understand the fear that where you are is where you'll always be.
I can't speak for him, of course. Maybe he never felt that way at all. But it's so scary to imagine that this is all life has to offer. What if you lose the things you love the most? What if you can never be truly fulfilled? What makes life living once those things are gone? Logically, I know there are good answers to that question, but sometimes my heart has a different idea. Sometimes, my whole body and mind and heart and soul thinks this isn't enough.
I know I will keep going on and keep looking for the things that can make this life something wonderful and special. It's hard, but I'll do it. I will just always grieve the fact that Ian Curtis did not do the same.
origamiaround
romaincrisis
blakekathryn
ellievsbear
annaxmalina
turnnoffyourmind
