ABCD Adventures

Just a day in the life. . .

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I have been TIRED, ya'll. Why does working on ourselves have to be so challenging!?

I am still navigating the new structure of my days, and some things I'm getting right... and some I'm still figuring out. I do enjoy having more time to cook most nights, which means I'm making more than just one-pot meals that I know will result in leftovers. Last night, my husband was like, "Your cooking has been fire lately; that was the best chicken I've ever had!" Considering my husband is a brutally honest appraiser of things, that was a huge compliment. I had time to bike ride with B and take him in the pool before I made that dinner, too. 🥰

Work has had many moments of being great! This week, all my Monday-Wednesday sessions felt awesome! Then, yesterday was great until I got to a consultation in the afternoon that I just felt WEIRD about. It's just so new for me to be in a position to make a decision on an individual basis about whether or not to accept clients. Although I know I only have a certain amount of availability, and I know that the right therapist fit is super important for me and for the client, I'm just not enjoying that part of the job so much. This person had requested a telehealth consultation which I allowed with the understanding that our work would be primarily in-person if he chose to move forward with me...he has a lot of anger, which I'm fine with generally, but I just couldn't determine well enough over a screen what that would feel like in the room with him. And, he did disclose that his last therapist ended their work abruptly... I actually really like working with angry men, but I need to know if I feel safe with them generally, and I couldn't really tell that yesterday. He had two other consultations scheduled, so I told him that if he found the perfect fit with one of those people, awesome! If not, I told him that I would be willing to offer a second consultation in-person... which I've never done, but I can tell he's really struggling, but I just can't tell what our vibe would be. He was happy with that, so I guess we'll see.

As a recovering perfectionist, it's very difficult to just accept that I may not have the skills/personality to be a good therapist for everyone, but AS A THERAPIST and (generally) sane person, I also know that's just reality!! The clients who have started regularly working with me are AMAZING! We're such a good fit, and that's what this whole consultation process is about, and I can't lose sight of that or give in to pressure that I "should" be seeing more people faster, because no one is putting that pressure on me except...ME. This month will be the first month my practice will be profitable, and that's so exciting! I need to chill and keep letting things build slowly!

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B got a rock tumbler for his birthday, and here's his first set of rocks after completing stage three of four in the tumbler.

One of our neighbors is super into rocks, as well, and he and B swap rocks and talk about rocks. Lol It's very cute. He also has a vegetable garden, and we get some great treats, too. He's an older, retired veteran, and just the sweetest man. The last time we were over there, he gave me a whole bag of "worry stones" for my office. I want to put them out, but first I want to find the right little bowl for them and make a little card about my neighbor and the meaning behind them. My neighbor has experienced a lot of trauma--and not just connected to being a war veteran. He also witnessed one of his closest friends die right in front of him as a teenager. He's one of the neighbors that sits out in his front yard and chats with everyone who walks by, and he'll always tell people what I do and that mental health is important. It's incredibly adorable, and I wish every neighborhood had someone like him. 🥰

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Look at these cool mushrooms we found on our walk this morning! B and I always enjoy the variety of mushrooms we find after a good rain.

B didn't have music this morning, so we got to go on a family bike ride before it got hot, and after swimming, there was a nice enough breeze that we could eat lunch outside on the patio. The husband is going to grill some top sirloins tonight, and I'm making roasted baby potatoes, asparagus, and a nectarine salad. I also made a chimichurrie sauce for the steaks. Attempt #2 to have my MIL over for a nice dinner...I wish I could make a cocktail to go with dinner, but alas, I can't have any alcohol in the house when she's here. I forgot about an old bottle of cooking wine one time, and sure enough, she found it and drank it. 😑 I feel like a mean person for being so annoyed with her, but there's a reason you don't social work your family. I just see how strongly her behavior impacts my husband, and my loyalty to him and care for his feelings makes it harder to be patient with her... Anyway, I really hope this evening can go smoothly. 🤞

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The Sign.

Ok, so I love 99.9% of the things about my work office. And, I love that I do not have to maintain the bathroom, kitchen, or waiting room. However, there is a sign like this (words are the same but images are different) in our restroom...and I hate it. I've wanted to request to have it removed since day one, but I also made several other requests, and I was like...am I just really being a picky as$hole now? But, I just booked my first trans client--our consultation was via telehealth but we'll be meeting regularly in person--and now I just REALLY feel like I have to have the sign gone. So, I sent a message to the clinician who owns the building yesterday offering to purchase a replacement or repair the holes or whatever and I haven't gotten a response.

Like, this is a sign I would expect to see in someone's grandma's bathroom at their home, and I wouldn't love it, but I'd be very whatever about it...but I share a building with three other mental health providers...it does NOT feel appropriate for a restroom in a therapy space. Right?!?

Honestly, if she doesn't respond, I will be taking the sign down and just apologizing afterward...

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I am so glad it's Friday!!! Yesterday afternoon was too much. I had four new client consultations back-to-back. On paper, I was fine with that on my schedule, but in reality it was too much for multiple reasons. First of all, the very first person of the four was just such a poor match for me. They kept making a ton of video game metaphors for how they were feeling...and I have never played video games in my life. I've done the occasional family Mario Kart race, but that is the extent of my video game knowledge. And, I get that I am a bit of a weirdo in that way--SO MANY people play and love video games, but I did not play them as a kid, and they don't hold any appeal for me. It was definitely the first time when I was like, "Ok...let's have this hour be over immediately, and I am going to have to suggest this person find someone who is a better fit." I felt totally fine with the other three people, but I think I need to be kinder to myself and realize that even if I end up absolutely adoring the people, the feeling of being at an audition is not my favorite feeling, and even if I try to mentally prepare myself, it's still not easy to meet a bunch of new people, in such an intimate way, in such a short span of time. At my core, I am still an introvert and fairly reserved person, and that is just a challenge even if it is a good challenge. I recognized at the end of the day, that I am still pushing myself to fill my practice faster than I need to out of some feeling of obligation to be "productive" and contribute more financially. *Sigh*

I also recognized more of how my own insecurities show up. Like, I know intellectually that I cannot be the right fit for everyone, but somehow I still feel bad when I am not?? Like I failed somehow, which I get is ridiculous, but our brains can often come up with pretty ridiculous things. It still doesn't feel great to have those thoughts. I realized how much comfort I found in agency work because I was only one of a handful of options, and I didn't have that feeling like I had to audition for approval just to have a job...and as a perpetually recovering perfectionist, there is a lot of comfort in that.

UGH, trying to grow as a person and confront our own issues just really sucks sometimes! Lol

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I'm really loving this whole chill mornings thing. I'm still learning all the ways that I haven't adjusted from the pace of life previously. I'm lingering over my tea, and then B and I are going on a bike ride, and then I'll take a shower and get ready to go into the office. I have four clients today, and then I'll be home in time to play some games with B, have a catch-up chat with my mom, and then make a good dinner. Once my practice is full, it might be 5-6 clients in a day, but that still feels really manageable. And, I don't see clients Friday or Saturday. I have Sunday afternoon hours which I was kind of on the fence about, but it's only a couple people, and it's between family meal times and has actually kind of forced my husband to spend some dedicated quality time with B, and they're both really enjoying that. Plus, Sunday sessions just feel really mellow for me, and I am not minding them at all. I have two couples sessions and one individual session on Sundays. It probably helps that I just really like those clients a lot, too. I offer sessions one evening a week, and on Sunday afternoons, and at first, I felt really bad asking my husband to carry more of the parenting load those days...but um, WHY!? Lol And, it's been fine. Good, even. And, it's GREAT having extra time to do chores/run errands/ meet friends for coffee or an early lunch on the weekday that I don't start work until 1! I take B to all his activities on Saturday mornings, so the husband gets some quality alone time then. I'm really excited to see how we're making it work. 🥰

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B is officially booked into camp for the summer!! 🙌

I am SO relieved! The husband and I had a lovely date night on Sunday, and we talked about it, and he was supportive. My poor mom cannot be watching B for several hours every day in this heat, and he needs to be socializing with other kids!

I think it probably helped my case that things are picking up crazy fast at my practice. Like, crazy fast. 😬😳 I've had ten referrals this week alone, and it's only Wednesday. I'm on a limited schedule this week because of no camp, and I'm already fully booked for the times I had available. I've been meeting some really lovely people through networking, and I am really enjoying the clients I have so far. 🥰 I know that my husband has thoughts about my free full-length session consultation policy, but 🤷🏼‍♀️. So far, it's had a 100% booking success, and it's one free session...sure, it'll mean an extra week before I start earning money seeing that client, but it feels right to me; I'm a shitty capitalist, and I happen to like that quality in myself. The Buddhist practice of dana (giving) has just always really resonated with me, and this feels like a way of honoring that.

I've had some people just absolutely break my heart already. I had a kid last night, just started college and he thinks he's developed ADHD, or that he's just realizing that he has it...his mom is undocumented and his father got deported...and after talking to him, it was like, "No, you don't have ADHD. You have a bullsh*t government that is traumatizing you and your family."

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I had an oil change/tire rotation appointment for 8:40am...I did not anticipate that it would take over two hours. I'm still waiting. I brought a book but not my laptop. Rookie move, apparently. *sigh This is the last day of school for B, and it's only a half day, so I really was hoping for more time to be productive. Normally, the husband takes care of our routine vehicle maintenance because he has trust issues, lol, but he's been super busy and stressed, so since the service is still free through Honda, he asked me if I'd mind just taking it in for service. It's a big deal that he asked, and of course I want to reduce his stress any way I can...just wish I'd planned better. 🙄

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I don't want to jinx myself...but I think I *might* have really done it this time. At the end of April, the husband was gone for a week to NC to take care of some things with my MIL, so I told myself that I was not going to purchase any creamer, and I would have no reason to make coffee because the husband wouldn't be here to drink it. It's now been almost a complete month since I've had any coffee--just plain, nothing-added green tea every morning. That's definitely the longest I've made it without caving and going back to coffee! Sometimes I vaguely miss coffee, but at the same time when I think of actually drinking it, my stomach turns a little.

I also mentioned the anxiety to my doctor a few weeks ago at my last visit and asked her advice re: perimenopause. We discussed several things, but we decided to start with the most very basic thing--adding a magnesium glycinate supplement. I don't like medications very much, and I want to feel better, so I'm probably just a super susceptible placebo candidate, but I've been taking it for a few weeks now, and have just gone through the period when my anxiety would typically be at its most high, and I've been fine. Like, this is a stressful time, and it's not like I haven't felt ANY anxiety or stress, but it felt more like it's "supposed to" feel. I'm not averse to dealing with difficult things, I just don't enjoy the feeling of an elephant on my chest with no way to throw him off, and I have NOT had that feeling. So, maybe the combination of no coffee and regular magnesium (just 100 mg a day) is the ticket! Like I said...I don't want to jinx myself, but I'm so happy to feel less anxious!

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My heart is so full today. My sweet, sweet client this morning was so lovely. Then, I had lunch with a friend this afternoon and she was asking me about work, and there's just no way to accurately describe how AMAZING it feels to see someone go from just so full of rage and distrust--slamming doors, cursing me out, etc.--to giving me a hug at the end of a session and thanking me for helping him sort something out. Like, how on earth are there other jobs!? Lol How does everyone just not want to do this all the time! Then, my consult with new client went super well and I just adore her already, and I'm so excited for us to get started! She is being mandated by her boss to seek treatment. There is nothing better than having someone come in who is feeling frustrated about being there and then have them leave thinking that maybe tolerating your face for a bit each week wouldn't actually be the worst thing in the world. :)

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Never shared the updated photo after I got my final pillows and curtains! I LOVE the curtains so much.

I had a new couple consultation yesterday, and they are starting later this week, and I have another individual consult this afternoon.

Turns out, a friend from my yoga teacher training is a psych PA two buildings down from me, so we're going to be referral sources for each other, and work together on cases. She's super holistic and collaborative, which I love. Her overseeing psychiatrist at the practice is originally from Nigeria, and she's amazing--her view of mental health is so refreshing, and she even offers services free to people who can't pay. We're currently working on a resource list for therapists because I have already been getting a ton of texts asking for resources for clients struggling with basic needs, and no one can focus on their mental health if their most basic human needs aren't met.

This morning, I have one of my pro bono carryover clients from my previous job. We already worked really well together, and he's come so far, but I feel like things have definitely changed since he started seeing me in private practice. We talked about it last week, and he said that he thinks it's because he couldn't believe I'd really stay so consistent in his life but because I have, it's challenged his belief that all people leave. 🥹🥰

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Found this perfect flower on my walk this morning! I was able to get out before it got too humid and hot, so that was lovely!

I haven't found time to talk to the husband yet--it was a particularly busy weekend--but I'm not feeling as stressed out about the situation as I was before. It will work out. It always does.

This afternoon, I have B's end-of-year conference. I can't believe that he's going to be in 2nd grade next year. And, my DIL texted me that she did really well on a major social work assignment she was worried about. That was so lovely to hear! I have been volunteering with Drive a Senior, and I took a woman to her doctor appointment this morning and we were talking about our children and how amazing it is how the relationships we have with them mature as they grown up. It's such a beautiful thing, and I'm so grateful that I just genuinely enjoy my DIL so much, too!

[abcd-adventures]

Good morning!

I have a million things I should be doing right now, but instead I'm taking a minute.

B's last week of first grade is NEXT WEEK. My baby turned SEVEN on Mother's Day, and just...how? Normally, he goes to camp during the summer...but camps are, like, $500 a week, and my practice is not so full that I necessarily need him to be at camp all the time, so...yeah. Trying to figure that out. My mom is 74, and Texas is hot, and B has a ton of energy, so I also can't just ask her to watch him all the time when I have clients. My practice is growing pretty steadily, so I could justify camp in a few weeks or a month, maybe...but...I just don't know. Looking at a variety of options at the moment, but I feel like I am just juggling so many things, and he loves his regular camp, and I honestly wish I could just send him. *sigh

The truth of it is that we could just put him in the camp. But, my husband is super sensitive about money right now. He's never loved his job, but right now he close to hates it...like to the point that he's been grinding his teeth at night and has had a stress headache for a week straight. He's explained some of the issues causing the added stress, and honestly, his symptoms are mild--if I were dealing with that sh!t, I'm pretty sure my head would have exploded already... I asked him what it would take for him to LEAVE. He said that he feels like he'd be letting his team down, and I get it...his loyalty and sense of responsibility is a great quality of his, but it also goes too far a lot of times. Like, you can be the best boss in the world, but if you work for a massive company and that company is being sh!tty...your ability to make an impact is just not that significant, and if you are hamstrung every time you TRY to do what's right for your team, WHEN DO YOU JUST FINALLY WALK AWAY!!!?

The money sensitivity thing is that he wants to be able to retire early...he'd retire "tomorrow" if he felt like he could. We are super on track for him to be able to do that...or so I thought. We met with someone earlier this week because I had some questions about taxes for my business, and they also reviewed our finances with us, and they ALSO told him that, so it's not just me and my uneducated opinions. But, apparently, his retirement number is...much higher than it needs to be??? And, I get it. The state of the world is sh!t. Inflation is insane. The future is a huge question mark...

I had not actually heard the number before, so it felt like kind of a shock. And, it felt like so much pressure. Because, on the one hand, I have NEVER been dishonest about my priorities when it comes to my work. My work is not just a job to me; it's a significant part of who I am and what I feel like my purpose is in life. I understand that there are private practice clinicians who make a very comfortable living, and I think that is AWESOME for them. I ALSO know that there are tons of people out there who are uninsured, under-insured, or who are unwilling to use insurance because of the damage that certain diagnoses can do to their ability to work or seek coverage in the future. I want to work with those people, and that means I'm not ever going to make much money, and it means at startup, when I'm still building a full practice, I'm REALLY not going to make much money. My husband keeps saying that's fine and he supports that, but his stress recently, and that truly unhinged number...THAT SAYS OTHERWISE TO ME. And, it is really hanging over me.

I had told myself that I was giving myself a "growth year" and that I wasn't going to focus on profits at all; I was just going to do my best to make community connections, build a referral network, slowly grow my caseload, do some volunteering, etc. And, if that were really happening, I could put B in a camp and not stray from our normal budget which allows for that...but the other day, my husband was like, "Obviously we're not putting (B) in camp this year, right?"

I need to talk to him. And, I will talk to him. It just feels exhausting at the moment. Capitalism sucks.

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I need to do a real post soon, but I am super excited to update that I did get selected for the EMDR free training! Yay! And, I was also accepted as a provider for the SIMS Foundation which provides health coverage for a significant percentage of people in the music/creative industry here in Austin.

Also, I've gotten several couples clients and it is SO FUN, and I am LOVING it. One of my mentors was a marriage and family therapist, and I've been trained in couples work, but I've never done it before. Getting to call people out on things--lovingly but very directly--and also figuring out ways to help partners see each other and communicate more purposefully? Totally my jam!

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It's been a week. First thing, I am really uncool with the perimenopause anxiety spikes. Those can just f#ck right off, thank you.

But, I suppose the severity was also necessary, because this week, I've taken a critical look at what is triggering that anxiety, and while the response might feel over-the-top, it's also legit.

Absolute rambling below while I talk about figuring my sh!t out. Feel free to skip! :)

I know I've said before that I'm extremely fortunate, and that my practice doesn't need to be super profitable and I have the time to build it the way I want. HOWEVER, while that is very much the REALITY of the situation, my insecurities and past history hit me very hard and made that not FEEL like the reality at all. It has been almost two months exactly since I quit my job, and with B's spring break, and C's wedding, and ongoing craziness with my MIL, not all of that time has been free...so a normal, sane person would (hopefully) not expect me to have a full practice already. In fact, prior to the wedding, I was not even planning to see ANY clients except the free ones I have kept from my previous job, until May. Am I a normal, sane person, though? No.

I have not even created my website yet (that's the plan for this week). But, I did start experimenting with what I wanted some of the professional profiles to look like, so I had started receiving some client inquiries from there. I went ahead and put telehealth and in-person on there because I have the capability for both, so I "should" offer both. Right? Ya'll...I f#cking HATE telehealth. And, I knew I would is the thing. Even when I was in grad school choosing an internship during covid, I was like, "I don't care about the risk--I'll wear a mask, change, and wash extensively, but I'm picking an in-person option."

Well, thankfully, I decided to offer a full-length consultation session instead of a fifteen minute intro call because it became extremely clear to me that I do not want to offer telehealth. I'm happy to offer hybrid if someone needs telehealth sometimes, but I am NOT going to do strictly telehealth for anyone. Lots of people do, and I'm sure they're great at it, and I know if offers options to people who are not near any mental health professionals or who are super busy, etc.--like, I GET IT, but it is NOT for me. I had all these requests for it, so I gave it a chance...but not one single time was I like, "Ok, yeah, I can do this." No. It made me feel HORRIBLE. I was feeling like I "should" be accepting these clients because I have telehealth capability and I "should" be making money...but while I have LOVED the experience of meeting and starting to work with the couple of in-person clients I've gotten so far, I have only felt incredibly unfulfilled by the telehealth sessions--not that the people weren't lovely because they are! Maybe I could get used to it, maybe it would start to feel better...but it would NEVER bring me the joy that in-person work does, and it is far more limiting for the way I work. So, as the anxiety became almost completely unbearable, I decided to just reach out and let everyone wanting telehealth know some referral options and that I will be focusing on an in-person practice. Immediately, I felt better. I'm still feeling anxious because of the money thing, but I also know that is just because this is new. I have to build my website. I have to let people know I'm ready for referrals because so far I have said I am not. I have to actually put my information out there, and I haven't even done that yet...AND THAT'S FINE. Literally the ONLY person expecting me to have everything figured out and my practice full and productive and perfect immediately is ME. NO ONE ELSE expects that. If it's really up to me (and it IS--maybe if I repeat that enough my brain will actually believe it), I WANT to start slowly. Adding new people incrementally after I have started to get to know others feels much less overwhelming. And, why the f#ck would I be my own boss just to practice in the way I don't want?

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One of the things I'm working on for my office is a bibliotherapy shelf--but not a shelf of therapy books (although I also have plenty of those). It's a shelf for building community. One of the things I find that many people struggle with is isolation, loneliness...disconnection. I struggle with that very little myself these days, but when I was younger I ALWAYS felt like an awkward outsider. Books often saved me, and as a huge bonus they have expanded my worldview so much over the years, and I absolutely credit them with increasing my capacity for empathy. So, I want a shelf filled with books that have held deep meaning for people that my clients and my colleagues' clients can peruse and borrow from or that I can recommend and pull from for people. So, I'm asking anyone who would like to participate to think of a book that has had a significant impact on you, share it, and share a brief message to go inside the book telling others about your experience with it and wishing them well in some way. I asked friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc., but I figured I'd also post it here because this little corner of the internet means so much to me, and I'd love ya'll's thoughts, as well, if you're willing to share. Just comment or message me the name of the book and the message you'd like inside, and I can purchase the book and include the message. Or, if you'd like, you can donate a copy of the book for the shelf with your own inscription (happy to share the address via private message). No pressure, but if you'd like to share, I'd love to pass along your recommendations, and I've started a business account with a small, local Black-owned bookstore to order the books as I'm able!

The world can feel harsh and cold so much of the time, but I'm so grateful to have opportunities to cultivate connection and kindness. ❤️ 📚

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So close! Just need a few more things done!