ABCD Adventures

Just a day in the life. . .

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I need to go through and delete personal photos, but first I just have to share this one of B's first day of second grade and his new no-front-teeth smile. 🥹🥰 His little slightly lispy voice now is just too much!!! I love it.

I got him special ice cream for an after- school snack and put it in the fridge and left him a card. It kind of sucks that the first day of school is on a Tuesday and that's my afternoon/evening session day, but I think he'll enjoy the note and little treat, and this morning we played games and I walked him in to class, so we did share that time today. Love that child!! ❤️

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Not proud of the fact I've now gotten an afternoon coffee two more times since I first posted about it...my grocery delivery is on its way, and I have an order of that sweet tangerine tea in it that I'll bring with me when I go to the office this afternoon. I do not need to be A.) bringing coffee back into my life or B.) spending money on said coffee.

Speaking of spending money, I haven't spent any money on myself in the time since I've been starting my business (other than activities with friends which I count in a separate category). Now, in the past week, I've gotten coffee three times and I ordered three different colors of those pants. 🤦🏼‍♀️

It's good that we had a discussion on our morning walk about our savings/goals. Good reminder to try to go back to the mindset I was living in while starting the business. I didn't even feel any sense of loss not buying extra things. There's certainly nothing I "need."

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Chai latte and a book this morning while B was at music. My reading time has been deeply compromised lately. Really need to adjust my priorities and factor in more time for myself. There was a nice breeze this morning, so it was lovely to sit out with my book!

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My youngest child has been allergic to silence his entire life. It is exhausting (especially because I love silence). Like, he makes these mouth noises if he's not generally yammering on narrating what he's doing, or he's currently humming loudly. B's on the spectrum, and my oldest son has ADHD, and I'm thinking B might have both. As far as I can tell, he does it most when he's anxious or understimulated...and he can control it to a degree, but there are many times when I genuinely don't think he even notices. I notice, though. 😵‍💫 He does a little better in school, but he still does it. He's bright, and he's not overly hyper in school, but he starts second grade on Tuesday, and I'm wondering if I should take him for an official assessment. He seems perfectly content and "likes" his verbal stims, but at some point other kids are going to become less tolerant...and he won't have his same understanding teacher he's had for the past two years...and if that is officially his diagnosis, maybe we can get him some additional coaching/support.

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Question:

Would you rather work 6 days a week, but work fewer hours per day or would you rather work 4 or 5 days a week, but work a ton over those days?

The therapist friends I have typically see between 6-8 people a day and work fewer days a week. The idea of 7 or 8 is so overwhelming for me that I can't even contemplate it. I've done 6 once or twice, and I HATE IT. That sixth person is absolutely not getting the best version of me no matter how much I try and muster it. I can do 5 and still be myself. I prefer 4. I was working 5 days a week, and that was going fine...but I've taken on two clients who are temporary and put my weekly number higher than I would prefer it to be, but I also felt like I couldn't say no to them for a couple of reasons. Sooo...I currently have sessions scheduled on six days a week...and I could move them around so that I work fewer days, but it would really load up some of my work days, and I'm leaning toward the idea of that feeling worse for me.

Currently: I'm off at 3/3:15pm Mondays and Thursdays, and I don't start work until 12/1pm on Tuesday and Wednesday. Those main four days are between 5-6 hours, and I work two and a half hours on Friday and three on Sunday. I have admin stuff...but it really doesn't take that long, honestly, and I try to create enough space between clients that I'm not rushing anyone out the door and I have a few minutes for notes after each session. The thing I have to be most intentional about is not "wasting" my free time by accepting my brain's crazy messaging of "Well, don't get started on X, Y, Z because you have to work today!" Like, no...I have plenty of time to enjoy my off time without spending four hours anticipating that I have to go to work. Brains are weird. I have to constantly catch and dismiss those thoughts. Otherwise, I think this is better for me until I can go back to five-day weeks after these two temporary clients go off to college.

My mother accused me of being a workaholic with poor boundaries. Sigh. And, I KNOW that I have too many clients right now, but the situations with these kids and the referral sources were such that I just felt like I couldn't say no, and they're such great kids. I would want someone to love my kid this much and make an exception for him if the situation were reversed, so *shrugs*.

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My clients are such special, wonderful humans. I feel so fortunate to be allowed into their lives!

I had a friend say this afternoon that he wonders if his therapist really likes him. Like, he said that he knows she doesn't dislike him, but that's not the same. I feel very confident that my clients know I absolutely adore them, and that's so important to me! When we wrap up, I share with them something significant that I recognize or appreciate from the session and/or I include some point of gratitude in my homework follow up email if I need to send one. When it's appropriate, I give them a big hug, and I acknowledge their birthdays, either with a card or treat or something small but specific to them. If something major is happening in their lives between our sessions, I send a message about it or encourage them to send me a brief update if they have time and space. I fully acknowledge this is also for me not just for them. Lol Caring for people is my favorite thing; it brings me so much joy and is the best antidote for the overwhelming feeling of heaviness in the world.

If you have a therapist, what is your favorite way they show you care?

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Was very honest with my client that it was a rough day, and I'm so glad I did. It's interesting the assumptions people make about others. The client told me that I'm always so cheerful and "serene" and that it seems like nothing bothers or upsets me...and we had a good laugh about that! And, then it was followed by a wonderful discussion about humanness, and vulnerability, and how we see others, etc. It ended up being such a great session and was meaningful for me, too.

Extra heavy things below the cut.

It's been such a heavy week. The PD did NOT tell my client's family that he had died--I purposefully waited over 48 hours to reach out to his daughter as he'd asked, and worked hard to craft the email. In the message, I did not say that he had died, I just said that her father had asked me to reach out to her if anything ever happened to him--something like that. Well, she called me immediately and was like, "What's going on with my dad!?" LIKE, WTF?! So, I talked with her, and the call went well, and I gave her time and space and resources and helped her locate his body, but afterward I was just SO PISSED at APD. Like, I'm sorry, how long are we waiting these days before we contact people's families after they die? I called my brother who used to be a cop and asked if it was normal for family not to be contacted in over 48 hours and he said no, so I felt better about that, but still angry at this situation! It's not that I had to tell her--she actually told me when we spoke again later that she was glad it had been me, and I'm happy to do it. That's not why I'm angry...just...wow.

Then, I've had two KIDS grieving just terrible things. A 24-year-old who had to make the decision to remove life support for his dad, and a 17-year-old who found his mom after a suicide. Babies. My son's ages or younger. The world is tough, man. Hug your people. And...I guess, have a coffee.

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I was doing so well. It's been months without coffee. But, my finger has been wavering over the call button to cancel my next two sessions because I'm just EXHAUSTED. So, I got a coffee.

I can do this. I can people some more.

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Today on our morning family walk, we talked about moving. I'm sure it didn't help that it was already 80° and insanely humid.

In the past, I was super opposed to moving. I may not like Texas, but I have amazing friends here, and back then, I never wanted to leave my previous job...before it went to shit. Now, overall, I'd still prefer not to move, but I'd hate it less.

Of course, now my MIL and mom are older and have places here and there's that sense of responsibility. B likes his school. I have my practice here. We don't owe that much on our house, and we generally like our house. So many factors...

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know the husband has gone from generally being indifferent about his job to more disliking it, and he's the one who makes all the money, really. So, if he gets a good job offer somewhere else--unless it's in a desert climate which is a hard no for both of us--we would both be willing to strongly consider it.

There's always been this background urge of my husband's to move back to Germany (if you're new here, my husband is a German citizen), and with his father getting older and our country being what it currently is, I know that's still on his mind.

So often, we're just so busy juggling all the things that we don't truly spend much time on this topic, but today it has us all thinking.

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Today is a hard day. I've been working with a client for over four years who I love so much. He struggled with a lot of things, but he was making progress--especially recently. He died this morning. I called him to check on him because he's not been well. He didn't answer, and I just knew. I called in a wellness check; the EMT who called me back was very kind.

Recently, we'd had a conversation about his children (one of many over the years). He had so many things he wanted to say to them, and he was working on the courage to do it. It crushes me that he didn't get the time to get there. Previously, he'd asked me to talk to his oldest daughter if he died, to tell her so she could tell his other kids who he was, how I saw him. I will, of course, if she's open to it, but I'm just so, so sad for him and for his children.

This person was just so special to me and taught me so much. I'm going to miss him terribly.

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Stumbled across this picture of me and my grandma. I was so close to my grandma growing up. I'm really sad she never got to see who I grew up to be. When C was a baby and I left my first husband, my grandma was the safe place for us to land. She let us move in, and I helped care for her at the end of her life while I went back to school.

My grandma lived across the street from us when I was growing up. I remember any time I'd get angry at my parents I'd inform them I was "going to Mema's house." I'd have sleep overs and hang out with her and play cards and watch Golden Girls. 🥰

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Update: after talking with my husband on our walk just now, he shared all the weight that's been on his mind about his mom, and it felt good to be able to share just how stressful life is for both of us. It's true that he doesn't think about all the little things around our home/schedule, but he's carrying a lot. And, he voiced a lot of gratitude for me and our family, and that helps. A ton. It doesn't make me any less exhausted or stressed, but love and appreciation sure helps make the effort feel meaningful and worthwhile.

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I have sooo many things to do today. I should be doing them. 🫠

Last Friday, surprising probably no one, I didn't relax at all. 😑 This Friday, my husband is going to a coin show (horrifyingly boring to me, but he's excited about it), and I have a lunch scheduled with a friend. My annoying brain is thinking of how to still fit in all the chores I need to do and reminding me that Friday is show day at camp and that's at 3:15 and then the routine is to take B for frozen yogurt after... and dinner prep, and responsibilities to parents, and I have a phone call scheduled with C this evening... so a mixture of enjoyable and obligatory things, but just such an exhaustive list just pressing down on me. My husband is enjoying his coffee and the donut we got him when I took B to the donut shop this morning. I took B to camp while he enjoyed it while half listening to a work meeting online and simultaneously reading the news on his phone. He's off after this meeting. And, he will do a few things, but he will also just relax and go to his coin show. I need to do that!!!! The other day, he came home and I was watching the end of a movie. He was like, "It's over? When did you start it?" I was like, "I have been watching that movie for a week!!! I don't have time to just watch it!!!" He looked at me like I was crazy. 😵‍💫 He genuinely has no clue. Just none, and I've tried to explain the "mental load," the chore list... just... all of it--a million times, but he doesn't get it. What I think I will do is send him to watch B's show (because I watch it every other Friday) and then have him take B for the yogurt. That shouldn't feel burdensome, and it will give me a bit more time to get some things done with them out of the house.

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Thankfully, the couch cushions held up well in the wash. The ottoman cover doesn't come off, but I got a different, better upholstery cleaner to attempt round 2 of cleaning. *sigh With children and pets, it just feels like nothing ever stays clean. 🫠

My MIL is flying in again on Monday. She already called yesterday with more drama. I'm having very uncharitable thoughts... She also informed me that I need to find her a new primary care doctor here, and I wanted to scream. Lady. You don't do ANYTHING all effing day long. Hop on the Google, my dude. Make some calls. She schedules her own appointments there; there's no need for that to change.

I keep saying that I'm going to go visit my best friend or do something just for myself. Then, I never do it. That might need to change soon.

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I'm supposed to be on a date right now with my husband...however, RIGHT as we were about to leave for our reservation, my child spilled a full glass of milk (that he wasn't even supposed to have) ALL OVER our couch...like how did it actually get THAT all over!!? 🤬 The cushion covers are removable...and I guess we're going to see how they hold up in the wash... He's lucky it was my least favorite couch. *sigh Thankfully, my mom was nice about it and she's going to come over tomorrow night, and we were able to change our reservation to then. I usually prefer eating at home on Sunday nights and getting in my pajamas early, but whatever. Lol

I canceled my therapy appointment. My work calendar is finally full and arranged perfectly...and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what I'd benefit from a lot more is that morning to myself...am I in denial? Being avoidant? 🤷🏼‍♀️ I work on Sunday afternoons--3 sessions between brunch and dinner. I really like that it's become "guy time" for B and the husband, and it means that I have a lighter schedule during the week. On Wednesday, I would've had to go to therapy at 9, but Wednesday is my lightest day and I only see three clients starting at noon. I honestly think my mental health would be better served by a yoga class, a long walk and brunch with a friend, or a slow morning with a book...

I am well aware of where my increased anxiety is originating...and I'm working on it. I guess we'll see how I do now that my schedule is worked out, and maaaybe I'll have some time to actually do that work. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Today is my Friday! There's leftovers for dinner, and I'll be picking up a to-go margarita to celebrate the fact that my practice is officially full, and I have survived the past two weeks! Tomorrow, I am doing my absolute best to make sure I do NOTHING but rest and relax. I'm exhausted. I feel like I've been running from one thing to another all day, every day for a couple weeks straight and I am DONE. My brain is tired, my body is tired. I don't want to talk to or see another human between the time I drop my child off at camp and when I pick him up. Maybe I'll finally go and get the pedicure I've been needing...I haven't gotten one since before C's wedding. Thankfully, I wear slippers in my office, so no one knows that my toes desperately need a polish.

My best friend's husband is in the air force and they've just moved to their new place in Northern California. I've been seeing lots of vacation posts and hearing about friends going on vacations, and I think it might be time that I plan one for myself soon. The husband is thinking of going to Germany for his father's 70th birthday, and while I love Germany, the party is while B is still in school, and also I'm not sure I'm in the mood for a "vacation" full of family obligations. So, I'm gently steering him toward going by himself to enjoy his family and then planning a trip for all of us to California as our family vacation...My best friend is a PLANNER. She will know ALL the best things to do, and I will have to do zero work at all.

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I guess I'm very grateful that I'm currently able to be pulled out of intense anxiety to be present for my clients and so far sessions have been really great...buuuut I have two more to go today and I am exhausted enough that I just booked my own therapy appointment for next Wednesday.

The last therapist I tried spent the entire session asking me, "And, what do you think you would tell yourself in that situation?" It made me EXTREMELY annoyed, and I never went back. Despite being a therapist, I am NOT the best at going to therapy myself. But, we can all grow as people, right? Going to try again.