Never fucking settle. I can’t stress this enough. In my 21 years of life, I want this to be the one thing that I have learned better than all other lessons. If a boy asks if you are okay, knowing that you are not, and leaves it alone when you say “yes” please leave. If your best friend is having a bad night and you make her food, lay with her and let her cry on your shoulder and the next week does not do the same thing for you when you are crippled from pain at 3 in the morning, please realize she is not your friend. If your parents invite you over for dinner but antagonize you for dying your hair a new color the moment you walk through the door, please go home and do not let them control you. Please realize that no matter who the person is nor their level of importance to you, you do not deserve it. You do not need people in your life who do not appreciate you or what you do. You do not need to belittle yourself just to make others happy. You need to keep yourself at the top of your priority list. For fuck’s sake, you are all you fucking have. You’re it. You’re everything. It’s all you, baby. Please, please just fucking make the most of it and fuck the rest.
this is so important it brings tears to me eyes
This is a manual of what not to do. You can’t ditch anyone who lets you down. Human beings are very flawed. They’re going to let you down, just like you’ll let your friends down. Deserting anyone who isn’t a perfect friend to you is why the divorce rate is so high. Just talk to people. Have a conversation. Most of the time you can get past each other’s issues. Just because your friend didn’t come over to your house to make you soup isn’t a reason to throw away a relationship.
And you are not all you have. People may let you down but they can also surprise you in amazing ways. If you go into a relationship focused on balancing what you’re getting with what you’re giving then your world will quickly become a dark and lonely place. Just give love. Love those who hurt you. Love those who aren’t good at loving you back. People will hurt you because they are broken. Love them until they shine. If you think no one is loving you unconditionally or there for you 100% of the time, who are you loving unconditionally? Who are you being that for without having a motive like expecting an emotional and supportive refund?
And finally, fucking settle! Our generation has been overloaded with so many choices (seriously go walk down the shampoo aisle) that we’ve become so afraid of not having the best. Learn to settle for what’s good enough. You could spend the next 2 hours looking up reviews and watching videos to try and figure out which shampoo most people think is the best or you could just go to the store and grab one off the shelf and get on with your life. What today’s world considers settling is what any previous generation would consider good enough.
But we also deserve to stand up for ourselves, and if someone in my life has a repeated, perpetual habit of me giving and giving and giving, and they never reciprocate, then I can and should dump them and walk away. If someone regularly, purposefully takes advantage of me, I shouldn’t stay with them. If someone claims they will try to change, and act the same, I have every. fucking. right. to walk away. If someone is abusing you, using you, making you feel less than, and has no intention of stopping, then YOU HAVE EVERY FUCKING RIGHT TO WALK AWAY. You are not obligated to settle. For the love of God, if your gut is telling me you something, do not fucking ignore it. I put up with a shitty, manipulative, bordering on emotionally abusive boyfriend for almost a year. I ignored every red flag and instinct I had because “he’s human, he won’t be perfect, at least he (says he) loves me,” and I was fucking miserable. I was worse off than I had been at any other time. And he dumped me like I was nothing, like I was worthless, and I felt so shitty. It took me years to realize what I had put up with and what I actually deserved and what I could have done.
IDGAF what the previous generations did. We are this generation, in this time period, and our world is in some ways the same, and in many ways different. We do not need to cling to archaic traditions, to horrible people, or to things that do not make a positive difference in our lives.
Relationships are all about balance, and while scorekeeping is entirely wrong, you need to give about as much as you receive (in the long run). What both of these posts lack is nuance. In all relationships there will be seasons when you need to receive more than you give. And there will be seasons when you are equipped to give more than you receive. And there are some relationships not worth salvaging, for your own mental well being.
Also worth noting, if you are loving someone in the hopes that they will change- in your words “love them until they shine- that’s a terrible strategy. People don’t change until they are motivated internally, and nothing you do will motivate them. They have to be ready. Don’t hang onto a shitty relationship with someone (who has proven repeatedly that they cannot give back what you constantly provide) just in the hope they will change. And don’t cling to a sense of who you think they are. If they’ve demonstrated they are not that fantasy person, and will not change or be a giving and accommodating partner/friend/parent/whatever on the same level as you, you are completely allowed to walk away.
^^^
I’m 23 years old now and I’m still struggling to follow my own advice regardless of the importance. I was in a bad place when I wrote this. Now it seems I’m in a worse one.
If you’re reading this, don’t settle.
You could be ignorant like myself and ignore it. Take it or leave it. But it’s the damn truth.
I’m 23 years old now and I have a baby with a man…A BOY…who abuses me emotionally, mentally and physically almost on a daily basis. If I had followed my own advice maybe I wouldn’t be where I am right now.
(My baby is the best thing that’s ever happened to me so do not take that the wrong way. Ever wish you could erase someone from your life while keeping the positives that came from it?)
Don’t fucking settle.
ill be 28 this month. my son will be 6 in december. i originally wrote this when i was 21 and have occasionally updated since then. the last update was when i was 23, 5 years ago. i was in an extremely abusive relationship and didn’t think i was ever going to get out. i genuienly thought it would end with one of us dying. it’s been almost 2 years now since i left my abuser. i wake up everyday thankful, grateful. i cannot explain the peace that i feel. i am still healing and some days are nearly unbearable, but i’m surviving. i’m not a victim anymore, i’m a survivor. i didn’t give up and i hope you don’t, either. never settle.
