[abd-e-khuda]

اللّهُمّ صَلّ عَلَى مُحَمّدٍ وَآلِ مُحَمّدٍ

O Allah: (please do) bless Muhammad and the Household of Muhammad

[abd-e-khuda]

We are, after all, products of our experiences. We cannot grow or be shaped without the ups and downs. Time and time again, I hear my own words coming back to taunt me. 'You still think growing up is fun?'

And sometimes this thought drowns me, feeling a deep longing for times passed. I feel a magnetic pull and wish so deeply to return to comfort.

With a lot of difficulty, I pull myself out of this spiral before I can slip too deep. I remind myself of the transient nature of this world. 'You know that you're not meant to live here forever, right? You won't be here that long anyway.'

I try my best in moments like these to imagine my death, forcing myself to feel the discomfort that comes with that thought. I remind myself of how temporary my existence is, that I won't exist at some point. People will move on with their lives and existence will continue as is. I am just a speck in reality.

Then I come back to the present. I find myself immediately shrunk, as if the heart that wanted to rip out of my chest earlier wasn't mine. I feel humbled, I feel grateful and I somehow feel lighter.

I imagine myself surrendering all of my being to Allah, with all my thoughts, worries, questions, good and all the bad.

If there is nothing that I have earned in this life, I will present my sincerity to Allah. I will plead to His mercy and I will present myself to Him as a servant who always strived to please Him, even if I stumbled, even if I fell again and again. Even if I don't succeed, I have always strived.

There is much to thank Allah for.

26.09.2025

[abd-e-khuda]

یکی درد و یکی درمان پسندد

یکی وصل و یکی هجران پسندد

من از درمان و درد و وصل و هجران

پسندم آنچه را جانان پسندد

[abd-e-khuda]

مانا کہ یہ سنسان گھڑی سخت کڑی ہے

لیکن میرے دل، یہ تو فقط ایک گھڑی ہے

ہمت کرو، جینے کو تو اک عمر پڑی ہے۔

[abd-e-khuda]

دنیا امید پر قائم ہے، امید وہ کہ جو خدا سے وابستہ ہو 🕊

[rose1water]

“Indeed, I am only able to endure these adversities for I know they are taking place beneath the watchful eyes of a loving God.”

— Imam Husayn (عليه السلام)

[abd-e-khuda]

سب چھوڑ کے چلے جائیں گے اک دن ہمیں

رسم دنیا یہی تو ہے، کیوں کسی سے گلہ کریں

[bloodservility]

— C. G. Jung, Man and His Symbols; “The Oracle dream”

[abd-e-khuda]

بارشوں سے اب دوستانہ ہو گیا ہے

تاریکیوں سے اک طرح کا یارانہ ہو گیا ہے

نا خوفِ تنہائی، نا غمِ فراق

نا امیدِ دیدار یار، نا امیدِ وصال

اب میں یہاں کہیں نہیں، کہیں نہیں ہوں۔

[rose1water]

“If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God who is protected from life's difficulties, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But this was shown: that in falling and rising again, we are always embraced in God's precious love.”

— Julian of Norwich

[abd-e-khuda]

أَيْنَ فَرَجُكَ ٱلْقَرِيبُ

Where is Your abrupt relief?

أَيْنَ غِيَاثُكَ ٱلسَّرِيعُ

Where is Your immediate aid?

أَيْنَ رَحْمَتُكَ ٱلْوَاسِعَةُ

Where is Your boundless mercy?

[rose1water]

وَمَن يَتَّقِ ٱللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُۥ مَخْرَجًۭا وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ

And whoever is mindful of God, He will make for them a way out, and provide for them from sources they could never imagine. (65:2-3)

Always include these 'unimagined provisions' in your calculations in some capacity [...] It's true that logic and material calculations are the most impactful. None of the teachings of Islam say not to use logic—in fact we must. But allow space for factors beyond the material. When matters are difficult to resolve and it appears that you're at a dead end, sometimes Allah (swt) opens up a path from a corner of that dead end which the human mind could never have foreseen. These are 'unimagined provisions', and they will come to us.

— Imam Khamenei

[abd-e-khuda]

The waters have stilled.

[abd-e-khuda]

Woe unto me if I ever forget this night. If I ever forget this humility, this abased state.

[abd-e-khuda]

There's a bitter after taste that comes as a part of growing up. Never would I have imagined parts of my life to be the way they have turned out. Of course, there is the hikmah of God in all of this. But some realities feel like a slap in my face; it's as if they are mocking me for not having done better, chosen better or chosen otherwise. I firmly believe that there is always a choice in life. Whether or not these choices are difficult or easy or align with our interest or liking is besides the point that we always have a choice. So when reality brings me face to face with my choices, somewhere I find myself feeling guilt and regret.

I make a promise to myself to act differently but somewhere that guilt and regret is buried. And it is good that it hasn't left me, because then I would forget. Human beings are forgetful. Sometimes the weight of these exhausts me, I feel as though I have lived many lives in this short span. Yet there is much I haven't seen, lived, experienced.

I used to think I was patient. I am now realizing what it really means to be patient. I feel that I'm a block of stone that is being chipped away at to result in a beautifully crafted statue. As painful as the process may be, painstakingly slow, it is worth it.

I can pick out so many flaws in myself that need to be worked on, but this is the one thing that I am proud of myself for doing. For understanding or attempting to understand everything through the lens of God's wisdom. Even when I have called out to God, complaining, I am proud of myself that I have not called out to God questioning His judgment. Alhamdulillah for all that has been granted and for all that He has kept away.

An apt couplet from Ghalib:

غم ہستی کا اسدؔ کس سے ہو جز مرگ علاج

شمع ہر رنگ میں جلتی ہے سحر ہوتے تک

The sorrow of existence, Asad, has no cure but death. The candle burns in every hue until the break of dawn.

[abd-e-khuda]

[abd-e-khuda]

راه است وچاه ودیده بینا وآفتاب تا آدمى نگاه كند، پیش پاى خویش

چندین چراغ دارد وبى راهه مى رود بگذار تا بیفتد وبیند، سزاى خویش

There is a way and a well and a seer and the sun for a person to look at.

He has several lamps before his feet and he goes astray. Let him fall and see his own punishment.