anon

as long as conciousness prevails

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judgment only wounds when you accept that others hold the right to define what you are

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when i say “i’ve been thinking about it a lot these days” it’s not something rare or out of the ordinary, it’s a planned routine that repeats every month.

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im… in fact im not sure what im crying for, im a child whos always been lonely and will remain being lonely for the rest of their life

the biggest pain in this world is not physical or emotional one, but loneliness because it can be both, and because even with a solution wheter it goes away depends on a throw of a coin.

i’m surronded by a crowd i remember names of, and i’m still painfully lonely, i whisper quiet comfort and they whisper it back, we confess our sins and pains to each other, they brush their skin against mine and they share their breath with me

but this doesn’t heal loneliness

and there’s no change in how lonely i feel regardless of how many people i’m sharing space with

loneliness is most soul-crushing pain that exists

because it doesn’t go away, it’s the only thing that stays, and only thing u feel presence of

to me sitting here like this doesn’t differ to sitting with someone or sitting with many

it’s not about counting

loneliness isn’t in numbers

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im so alone, in this whole wide world i remain the only one

i pass by faces each unique to it’s own

and i remember none, in a minute or two i forget passing by them

i yearn for understanding, but there is no one to understand me

i year for connection but there is no one to connect with

i yearn but what i yearn for will never be

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My dearest M,

You occupied a place in my heart achingly long. But I was able to let you go, the memory of you is no longer painful, and I feel as though I can exist without your absence haunting me.

I’ve searched for you in all that is around me: specific melodies, the greenery, and what shares our space with us.

I despised you and yearned for you so strongly, and so often I’ve nearly lost myself in it.

And now I pass by that which sprouts a memory, and I smile and continue walking.

I know I was never as important, and I’ve accepted it, knowing I cannot fight against it.

I’m okay with it.

I hope someone will cherish you as deeply, if not more, than I did; and I hope you will be able to return it naturally.

happy valentines’

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anon diary entry 22:34

As anon, I don’t know what to do.

For a very limited time, I felt accepted, as if there was a place for me.

Like a table with four chairs: at lunch, you always notice whether someone is missing or not. You face them all—one by your right side, one by your left, one by your chest. But nowadays, I feel so alone…

Is it my fault? Most likely…

There’s no place for me at the dining table. There are too many chairs; it became cluttered. And I can no longer hear the whispered conversations, or share smiles, or playfully take from the other’s plate. For I’m no longer a part of any of this. And I wonder when this will pass…

Would anyone notice? My absence is not benefiting anyone, so yes—but if it was… would they?

I’m at the state of mind where I stand in an empty kitchen and I don’t dare to sit in a chair; even in an empty room, with plenty of empty chairs, in an empty silence, there’s no place for me.

I’m no longer a child, and I should not wait for someone to invite me over to sit by their side; to do all that would be tiring.

Yet I deeply, with all my greedy selfishness, wish that would happen.

Think of me as your closest friend for one more time. Offer me a piece of bread and meaninglessly laugh with me. Remind me of the past and tell me that this feeling of unbelonging is just a temporary misunderstanding.

So that even at a crowded table, I can scoot over and borrow your silverware.

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If anon feels like a thirdwheel, he will exclude himself from the group, in that way being left out feels like a counciouss choice - It allows him to tell himself that the distance exists because he wanted it that way, not because he failed to earn a place.

Anon’s self-exclusion allows him to suffer on his own terms rather than endure the vulnerability of being quietly unchosen. The cost is that he never gives himself the chance to discover whether he might have been wanted after all.

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He no longer questions whether something is wrong; he assumes it is and adjusts his behavior accordingly. Avoiding touch, proximity, and conversation becomes a moral responsibility. He believes he must protect others from himself.

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When the classmate reaches toward him and Anon pulls away, the behavior is defensive rather than rejecting. Distance is created not because he dislikes the other person but because closeness risks inspection. Eye contact is avoided because being seen feels dangerous.

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His physical self feels wrong not because of damage but because it exists at all.

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He believes closeness is only allowed after he meets impossible standards of normality and acceptability. Until then, isolation feels like the ethical choice. This reveals a core belief that love and connection are rewards for perfection rather than inherent human needs.

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Shion functions as a vessel for Anon’s unresolved needs for validation, authority, identity, and permission to exist. The fantasy is not really about Shion as a person but about being seen, judged, and held in a way that absolves Anon of responsibility for his own longing.

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The nodding and compliance show Anon’s craving to be shaped rather than to choose.

Anon struggles intensely with agency. He fears making moves, stating wants, defining himself, or acting on desire. In this fantasy, that fear disappears because there is no choice to make. Someone else names him, positions him, and decides when he is acceptable.

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Because that removes responsibility from him. If he is passive, acted upon, or commanded, then he does not have to confront the shame of wanting.

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Provoking jealousy is an attempt to test worth retroactively. Anon wants proof that he mattered enough to be missed, because without that proof the original wound remains unbearable.

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Delayed wave is small, ordinary, but devastating to Anon because it confirms his fear of being secondary.

Anon interprets this as personal abandonment even when it may not be intentional

It shows how he intensely monitors Shion’s behavior. His worth feels measured in seconds of attention.

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He wants to appear unfazed because appearing affected would expose how intensely he actually feels.