CallMeArZa

I am a Computer Science engineer with a strong interest in art, design, history, cultures, languages, and philosophy. I enjoy approaching problems through an interdisciplinary lens, believing that the most meaningful innovations emerge where different fields intersect. While my primary foundation is in computer science, I am expanding into mechanical and electrical engineering to better understand how ideas become real-world systems. My long-term goal is to design technologies, products, and systems that improve everyday life. I consider myself a lifelong learner. I enjoy studying civilizations, literature, languages, scientific ideas, and creative disciplines, not as isolated subjects but as interconnected ways of understanding the world. I value first-principles thinking, curiosity, and the ability to connect knowledge across domains. My native language is Hindustani Urdu. I am fluent in English and understand Marathi and Awadhi. I can read Devanagari, Latin, Nastaliq, and Indo-Pak Arabic scripts, and I continue exploring languages for both their cultural and literary richness. I appreciate thoughtful discussion, constructive criticism, and conversations that challenge my assumptions. Every perspective is an opportunity to refine my thinking and broaden my understanding.

[abduurrrahmann]

ZealVir

a new journey let it begin.

ZealVir: The Work of Becoming

ZealVir is a personal philosophy built around three pillars: Career, Health, and Mental development. Career means building technical and economic strength through college, GATE, programming, AI/ML, research, and eventually a path toward a top M.Tech/MS, PhD, and frontier AI research. Health means creating the physical environment and routines required to sustain that work. Mental development means gaining clarity, discipline, perspective, and the ability to think, structure, then speak.

The central battle is against distraction, overconsumption, procrastination, unstructured living, and unreliability. ZealVir treats attention as capital: what receives attention repeatedly becomes stronger. Therefore, the goal is to move from consumption to construction, from planning to execution, and from promises to evidence.

The current priorities are simple: GATE → technical skills → college. Everything else is secondary unless it contributes to these goals. Progress is measured through completed work: solved problems, learned concepts, working code, finished projects, research, disciplined routines, and difficult tasks actually completed.

ZealVir is ultimately not about announcing who someone will become. It is about documenting who they are becoming through repeated action. Less future talk. More finished work. Less distraction. More direction. Think clearly. Act consistently. Build the evidence.

[abduurrrahmann]

Kabhi kabhi mujhe lagta hai, main zindagi jee nahi raha, bas us shakhs tak pahunchne ki koshish kar raha hoon jo main ek din banna chahta hoon. Har din kuch haasil karta hoon, aur har raat lagta hai kuch peeche chhoot gaya. Log meri manzilein dekhte hain, mujhe un raaston ki thakan yaad rehti hai jin par main akela chala tha. Mere andar bohat se khwaab hain, magar unke darmiyan ek ajeeb si khaamoshi bhi hai. Main hans leta hoon, baat kar leta hoon, aage badhta rehta hoon, lekin dil ke kisi kone mein ek aisa dard basa hai jiska koi naam nahi. Kabhi mohabbat ki kami mehsoos hoti hai, kabhi sukoon ki, kabhi bas itni khwahish hoti hai ke koi mujhe meri kamyaabiyon se pehle pehchaan le. Main tootna nahi chahta. Main rukna bhi nahi chahta. Bas kabhi kabhi dil chahta hai ke duniya se kuch der ke liye nazar hata kar khud se poochun: “Itna door aa gaya hoon... magar kya main kabhi khud tak bhi pahunchunga?”

MyselfBeingMyself(#1)

[abduurrrahmann]

I want to conquer the world, yet my heart wants every victory to find its home in your eyes. I do not want a love that pulls me away from the world, but one that gives me the courage to face it. Let my exhaustion find your shoulder, my silence find your understanding, and every unnamed happiness in me quietly find its way to your name. I have seen enough of the world; now I want to spend life seeing it through you. (delulu diaries #1)

[abduurrrahmann]

Ecstasy

[Verse 1] I've been livin' in a room inside my head, Talkin' to the ghosts of everything I left unsaid, I've been buildin' up a life while quietly breakin', Smilin' through the day, every night I'm slowly shakin'. I've been runnin' from the weight of who I'm becomin', Chasin' every high just to feel something comin', I don't need somebody tellin' me I'm fine, I need somebody lookin' through me, seein' what's behind.

[Pre-Chorus] When I go quiet, don't call it cold, There's a thousand things I never told, Come a little closer, don't ask me why, Just hold me like you know I'm tired of tryin'.

[Chorus] Give me the ecstasy I desire, Pull me closer, take me higher, Let the whole world fade while we're breathin', Let me lose myself in the way you're holdin'. Give me the ecstasy I desire, Something softer than the fire, I don't wanna be somebody tonight, I just wanna disappear in your eyes. Closer, closer, don't let me go, Love me where nobody else knows, Let me stop, let me stop pretendin'… I wanna disappear in your breath, I wanna disappear in your breath again.

[Verse 2] I want a love that knows when I'm hidin', Knows when my smile is only survivin', Knows when I say "I'm good" I'm lyin', Knows when I need you without me decidin'. I want your fingers tangled into mine, Your heartbeat fallin' somewhere close to mine, Rain on the glass, your warmth on my skin, The night outside while I'm finally givin' in. Don't make me explain every scar I'm carryin', Don't make me translate every fear I'm buryin', Just lay beside me while the dark keeps movin', Let me feel like there's nowhere else I'm needin'.

[Pre-Chorus] When I pull away, don't take it as goodbye, Sometimes I get scared when somebody gets inside, I've spent my whole life learnin' how to hide, So if I let you see me, stay a little while.

[Chorus] Give me the ecstasy I desire, Pull me closer, take me higher, Let the whole world fade while we're breathin', Let me lose myself in the way you're holdin'. Give me the ecstasy I desire, Something softer than the fire, I don't wanna be somebody tonight, I just wanna disappear in your eyes. Closer, closer, don't let me go, Love me where nobody else knows, Let me stop, let me stop pretendin'… I wanna disappear in your breath, I wanna disappear in your breath again.

[Verse 3] Maybe I'm not lookin' for paradise, Maybe I'm just tired of livin' twice, One life for the world, one life I'm concealin', One face that I'm wearin', one heart I'm not revealin'. Maybe I want somebody who can stay, When all my pretty words start fallin' away, Someone who can touch the places I defend, Someone who can hold me without needin' to mend. I want your voice when the night gets heavy, Your hand on my chest when my thoughts aren't steady, Your lips on my forehead, your eyes never leavin', A little bit of heaven I can actually believe in. And if I break down, let me break beside you, If I lose myself, let me lose myself inside you, Not because I wanna die, but because I'm tired of fightin', Tired of being everything when I just wanna be held tonight.

[Bridge] Can you love me when I'm not impressive? When I'm lost, when I'm restless? When the dreams that I chase start feelin' like chains, When I don't have the strength to explain all the pain? Can you hear what I mean when I don't say a word? Can you stay when my silence gets louder than yours? Can you hold all the pieces I'm scared of showin'? Can you love me without ever needin' me to keep growin'? 'Cause underneath the ambition, Underneath the hunger, Underneath every dream I'm runnin' toward… I'm just somebody Who wants somebody Who understands.

[Build] Closer… Closer… I can feel you breathin'… Slower… Slower… Let the whole world leave us… Hold me… Hold me… Till I stop overthinkin'… Stay here… Stay here… Till I remember I'm breathin'…

[Final Chorus] Give me the ecstasy I desire, Pull me closer, take me higher, Let every name I've carried start leavin', Let every wall I've built start weakenin'. Give me the ecstasy I desire, Not another dream I have to acquire, I don't wanna conquer, I don't wanna prove, I just wanna lose myself next to you. Closer, closer, don't let me go, Find all the places I'm afraid to show, Let me stop, let me stop pretendin'… I wanna disappear in your breath, I wanna disappear in your breath again. Give me the ecstasy I desire, Closer, closer, don't let me hide, If you can love the parts I fear, If you can stay when I disappear, Maybe this is why I've run so far… To find one person I don't have to run from.

[Outro] No future… No pressure… No need for pretendin'… Just you… Just me… Just breath… And for once… I don't feel like I'm disappearin'. I'm finally disappearIN'… Into somethin'… Into someone… Into us…

[thought-meadow]

🌳

i was born in the age of mass surveillance.

"god is always watching."

there have always been hidden, invisible pairs of eyes on me.

"of course i found out. you can't hide anything from me."

there is always, somewhere, a camera documenting my every move.

"be careful how you present yourself online."

has my presence ever really been offline?

i have been positioned, photographed, costumed and and filmed since i was a noticable lump within my mother's womb. i have been documented, edited, stitched, captioned, uploaded, watched, commented on, shared, sold, exploited, degraded, praised, liked, and debated for every moment of my life. and it began before i could even develop enough brain matter density to understand it.

so much of my entire life exists, scattered among the infinite sea of human data.

the uniquities of my soul and the keys to my purpose have been chiseled one by one from the edges of my skull, compressed into coin files and taken away, a digital currency i will never get to spend, and will never get back.

[abduurrrahmann]

I like your smile and I like your hair and I like the way you talk so soft and slow And I like your walk and I like your laugh and I wish that I could let you know But my heart goes fast and my knees feel weak and my stupid mouth just stays so shut And I think too much and I shake inside and I hate my fear in my stupid gut

[Chorus] I am scared to ask you out Scared to lose you if I speak loud I hold the words inside my mouth I am scared to ask you out If I say I like you now Maybe you just walk right out So I stay your secret clown I am scared to ask you out

[Verse 2] I hold my phone and I type one text and I say that maybe we can go for tea Then I read it twice and I read it more and I press backspace till it is empty And I see your face in my little screen and you look so sweet that I could cry And I say your name in my empty room and I laugh alone and I wonder why

[Chorus] I am scared to ask you out Scared to lose you if I speak loud I hold the words inside my mouth I am scared to ask you out If I say I like you now Maybe you just walk right out So I stay your secret clown I am scared to ask you out

[Bridge] If I never say a thing I still get to hear you sing I still get to be right here But I stay a ghost in fear If I tell you all my heart Maybe we will fall apart Maybe we will start brand new I am stuck between these two

[Chorus] I am scared to ask you out Scared to lose you if I speak loud I hold the words inside my mouth I am scared to ask you out If I say I like you now Maybe you just walk right out So I sing this song so loud I am scared to ask you out Poet's note (abduurrrahmann) :-

I didn't write this song because I had the courage to tell someone how I felt. I wrote it because I didn't.

There is a strange kind of loneliness in liking someone quietly. You notice everything. The way they smile. The way they laugh. The way they say simple words. You start collecting tiny moments that mean nothing to anyone else but somehow become your favorite memories. They don't even know they're creating them.

People think fear is loud. Mine wasn't. Mine was silent. It looked like typing a message and deleting it. It looked like rehearsing conversations that never happened. It looked like pretending I was okay with "maybe someday" while secretly hoping someday would arrive on its own.

This song isn't really about being rejected. It's about being trapped between two losses. If I tell her, I might lose her. If I don't, I lose the chance to ever be more than a friend. There isn't a safe choice. That's what scared me.

I also wanted to keep the words ordinary. Love doesn't usually speak in beautiful poetry when you're living it. It stumbles. It repeats itself. It calls itself stupid. That's why I say "my stupid mouth" and "my stupid gut." Because when anxiety takes over, you don't blame one part of yourself. You blame all of yourself. That's how it feels.

I think everyone has been the person who typed a message, read it ten times, and erased it before pressing send. Everyone has looked at someone's photo for a little longer than they should have. Everyone has whispered someone's name into an empty room just to hear what it sounds like.

If this song reaches anyone, I don't want them to think, "What a beautiful love story." I want them to think, "I've done that."

Maybe that's enough.

[abduurrrahmann]

start of gate 2027 prep

aaj se daily mai 6 hr minimum gate ka padhne ka try karunga aur ek din ka backlog next day complete karna compulsory h

[abduurrrahmann]

How much I love her ? I love her so much that I find myself incapable to cherish her ; for now ; for ever? Never... I will learn too and earn too and build for you .

[abduurrrahmann]

I am starting my journey for technical learning in computer science and I will share my journey here ...

[abduurrrahmann]

I am heading to a new journey to accept my imperfections and learn through iterations , trial and error and not afraid of mistakes but being careful of it . I was perfectionist and it had taken my teenage years away from me in stress and less enjoyment . I want to enjoy the process and hope you do the same . The only way is to be patience and helpful for yourself be the one who helps yourself and show pity to yourself don't be afraid that being weak is no cowardice ; but an acceptance that we need to work on and it can be solve by making mistakes and being careful of not making it . Read the first line again .

[abduurrrahmann]

What makes you different than others? Forgiveness. To your ownself , your circumstances , your parents and other fellow humans whom you can forgive to exit the loop.