🌳thought meadow🍃

my thoughts are not who i really am. i release them here. i accept them all as they are, and i care for them as myself. i observe them, i tend to them, and i heal.

[thought-meadow]

[thought-meadow]

🩸

i show you the freshest wounds i hide,

and, in time, you pry my stitches awry.

said you honored the scars i wore with pride,

then stabbed them when i closed my eyes.

took my every reply as some way to imply

i'm saying goodbye for some guy on standby.

then you don't reply, just confide with your mind,

but won't let me inside to provide my alibis.

while you decide whether i am i spy,

i'll cry on the drive to my hometown tonight.

diner folks see tearlines under my eyes,

ask me why, i just tell 'em, "i'm tired."

[thought-meadow]

⛰️🌾

i feel hollow.

i am a priviledged, overdramatic dramatic embarassment.

the words bounce against my insides, growing louder and louder as they sink deeper into my core.

i am a priviledged, overdramatic dramatic embarassment.

when i fled the cave i lived in, the sun flooded my eyes, and i witnessed that truth. i realized the depths of the world's despair was beyond my mere experiences or cognition.

and it burned me, for many years, before i realized i was only building upon my own suffering. i decided,

i suppose there is nothing else i can do besides my best.

[thought-meadow]

🌤️🌬️⛈️

the storm is passing.

and though it may return, so always will the sun.

[thought-meadow]

🌵🐌

dishes unwashed for over 3 days.

... but a bath would feel really nice right now.

clothes lay on the floor, wait to be put away.

... i'd get out of bed if i even knew how.

the space to make art could use a tidy.

... running my mind about where to begin.

try avoiding my phone to salvage my psyche.

... whatever i choose, i later recind.

i've got to save money,

"i'm not really hungry."

afraid to wake up someplace new,

...how FUNNY!

it gets harder to b r e a t h e

my lungs fill with grief,

i'm buried by dreams,

... so insatiably brief.

[thought-meadow]

🌳

i was born in the age of mass surveillance.

"god is always watching."

there have always been hidden, invisible pairs of eyes on me.

"of course i found out. you can't hide anything from me."

there is always, somewhere, a camera documenting my every move.

"be careful how you present yourself online."

has my presence ever really been offline?

i have been positioned, photographed, costumed and and filmed since i was a noticable lump within my mother's womb. i have been documented, edited, stitched, captioned, uploaded, watched, commented on, shared, sold, exploited, degraded, praised, liked, and debated for every moment of my life. and it began before i could even develop enough brain matter density to understand it.

so much of my entire life exists, scattered among the infinite sea of human data.

the uniquities of my soul and the keys to my purpose have been chiseled one by one from the edges of my skull, compressed into coin files and taken away, a digital currency i will never get to spend, and will never get back.