love and hate. @abeerox - Tumblr Blog

Work.

It’s been a month now since I landed on my first job. I didn’t quite comprehend on what would I feel about it. I somehow find it harder to get along to the people I work with than doing the given task. Not what I quite expected. I always thought I easily get along with people, only to realize that this would be different from making friends in school. Some are not as friendly as you expect them to be and some jokes may not be as funny as I thought they are. And silently cursing my self for being senseless in talking a lot.

I always wanted to learn something new but admittedly I’m not a fast learner (I took the board exam for three times before I can finally passed). Which makes me felt really terrible on myself when my co-worker frustratingly answers my questions and smirk on my ignorance. While some other task are so easy that it makes you wonder why they have to hire a CPA to do it.

But whenever I find myself complaining on what I do and where I am now, it takes me back to think of the decisions I made on the first place. Back then, I always thought that I’ll be just living and working near home. I was so scared to be far form my comfort zone that not in a million times did I consider working in Manila. Until once upon a time, I was (partly) magically transformed and finally said “enough is enough.” The more I try to avoid my anxiety and the pain related to it, the more possibilities and chances closing in. Shutting doors right in front of my face. So I did try Baguio for starters, and religiously wrote on my journal that I’ll be trying to work in Manila.

So here I am. Where everything seems like a race and yet you always find yourself stuck in a traffic jam. It wasn’t easy. There had been times (like this) where my mind is in doubt of what I had been able to do now and had been capable of. But I always remind myself that my thoughts are just ahead of me and eventually I’ll be fine, I somehow finally knew how to play with my mind’s trick. And I had already signed myself for this anyway. Commitment and Acceptance. Committed to my goals and and acceptance to whatever thoughts and feelings associated with it. Leaving me no option but to just keep moving forward.

somethingatemypjs-deactivated20

I want to kill the thing inside me that still longs for you.

Conversations in my head // nb (via kindergartendropout)

Congratulations! Ano ng plano mo?

Halos dalawang taon din ang ginugol sa pagod, oras at paglustay ng pera sa pagrereview. At last, eto na yun. Lisensyado na ko. Eh ano ngayon?

Unang Subok.

Bahala na. Basta may masagot lang ako sa tanong na kung anong plano ko pagka-graduate. Binabahayan ng mga demonyo ang utak ko na nagsasabing ”Malabo yan te. Masyadong mahirap at nakakastress. Di ka nga makalayo sa nanay mo, ang pumasok pa kaya sa review? Malabo yan.” Kaya wala. Walang ka kumpiya-kumpiyansa sa sarili. Nagexam, Bagsak.

Pangalawang Subok.

Medyo nagkaroon ng konting confidents ng masubukang mag exam. Hindi naman pala ganoon kahirap. Basics lang, hindi lang talaga ako nag-aral. Kaya sige, Isa pa. Pero this time, tangna i-tatarget ko na to. Pasok ulit sa parehong review center, pwesto sa Row 1, mag diet sa break pero di ko naman tinigilan ang paglalandi. Text dito, text pa more. Naging distracted sa friendzoned at pagiging abanger. Sabayan pa ng mga tumatambay pa rin na demonyo sa utak ko na patuloy na nagsasabing “Malabo yan.” Hindi nga siya na-fall saken, ako naman ang na-fall... sa exam. Bagsak Part 2.

Pangatlong Subok.

Eto yung subok na muntik ng hindi matuloy. Buti na lang may internet, libro at ang walang sawang suporta ng isang ina.

Pero bago yan, Time travel muna tayo.

Alam ko naman kasing hindi ako bobo, tangna consistent 1st section ako at minsan nakakalusot sa top 10 kaya alam kong kahit papano eh hindi lang buto ang laman ng utak ko. Pero sa hindi maipaliwanag na dahilan eh na-diagnosed akong may anxiety disorder. Yung tipong kung ikaw minsan lang napapraning, ako mas madalas at sa walang sapat na rason. Nasubukan ko iyong hindi pumasok sa school dahil sa sobrang takot na baka mag panic attack ako. Kaya minsan kelangan pa kong samahan ng nanay ko sa pagpasok. Dyahe yun para sa kanya kasi may trabaho siya kaya ayun nadepressed naman ako. Naging okay nung una nung under meds ako, Nakasurvive ng 1st sem sa college, bawas ng dosage sa gamot hanggang sa tinopak nanaman ako. Dagdag ulit ng dosage, naging okay, bawas sa dosage, masyadong mahirap ang buhay balik sa dating dosage. Naging parang pirated DVD na paulit ulit lang. Hanggang sa napagdesisyunan ng pamilya na itigil na.

Pagkatapos ng una at pangalawang subok, labo labo na. Pero naniniwala ka ba na minsan sa buhay ng isang tao, darating yung punto na sukong suko ka na talaga sa buhay tapos biglang makakaranas ka ng Divine Intervention. Yung parang ipuputok na sana ng holdaper sa ulo mo yung baril kaso saktong naunahan na siyang barilin ni “Tagapagligtas” Puro internet lang kasi ako nun hanggang sa may napanood ako sa youtube na kagaya ko rin. Namulat ako sa dami ng sumusuporta sakanya dahil tulad ko, nakikita rin nila ang sarili nila sakanya. Nagkaroon ako ng konting bilib sa sarili na kung kaya niya, kaya ko din. Hindi ako huminto sa pagtuklas at patuloy nagbasa ng mga self help books. Pagkatapos makabuo ng konting lakas ng loob, napag desisyunan kong mag-Baguio.

Bahala na. Masyado ng maraming oras ang nasayang. Tulad ng inaasahan, hindi naging madali pero kahit papano masasabi kong may nagawa akong bagay na ni minsan hindi ko inakalang magagawa ko. Nagka-relasyon pa ko nun, kaya dalawang “bagong experience” sa buhay ko ang hinarap ko. Sinabayan ko ang pagrereview at ang pagbabasa ng self help books. Naging parang anchor ko yun sa tuwing minsan gusto ko na lang mag-impake at umuwi sa nanay ko. Nakakapressure pero masaya dahil sobrang madami akong natutunan kaso hindi naman naging masaya ang buhay pag-ibig. Brineak ako sa kalagitnaan ng review. Hindi ako natatakot maging mag-isa, mas natakot ako na baka makaapekto yun sa pagaaral ko. Inisip ko na lang na message yun ni Lord saken na hindi ko pwedeng i-sabay yun sa pagrereview. Tuloy ang laban. Nakatulong ang pagiging broken hearted, mas napapadalas ang overtime sa review at pag attend sa weekend class. Pagdating ng board exam, tawag ulit ng rescue sa nanay. Umiyak sa first day, Nagtae at nagsuka sa 2nd week at Voila....... Conditioned!

Sa hinaba haba ng kwento nairaos din. Pero ang sumunod na malaking tanong eh “Ano ng plano ko? Hindi ko pa alam”. Kahit na sa kaloob looban ko e may sagot. Medyo tinatambayan lang nanaman ako ng mga demonyo sa utak ko. Pero ang pinagkaiba nga lang ngayon, mas hindi na sila nakakatakot tignan. Dahil mas naniniwala akong darating ulit yung panahon na mag kukuwento ulit ako ng bagong karanasan na akala ko hindi ko kaya pero kaya naman pala.

#anxiety #cpainthemaking #filipina

veryfunnymemes

kushandwizdom

Teen quotes

smallspaceplant

Can’t go over it.

Can’t go under it.

Can’t go around it.

Gotta go through it.

Trying to explain depression or anxiety to someone who’s never experienced it.

eoliveson

This belongs here.

the-funny-pics-deactivated20170

Yes

On our way to a happy destination.

quotethat

I want to be the friend you fall hopelessly in love with. The one you take into your arms and into your bed and into the private world you keep trapped in your head. I want to be that kind of friend. The one who will memorize the things you say as well as the shape of your lips when you say them. I want to know every curve, every freckle, every shiver of your body. I want to know where to touch you, I want to know how to touch you. I want to know convince you to design a smile just for me. Yes, I do want to be your friend. I want to be your best friend in the entire world.

Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me (Shatter Me, #2)

No Surprise.

I am used to ordinary, full of drama, boring and routine days. I never feel bad for having those days except today. Because today is no ordinary day, it's actually my birthday.

iam-youis

As soon as you believe that a label you’ve put on yourself is true, you’ve limited something that is literally limitless, you’ve limited who you are into nothing but a thought.

Adyashanti (via iamyouis)

San Fabian Beach, Pangasinan

themedicalstate

People don’t realize that now is all there ever is; there is no past or future except as memory or anticipation in your mind.

Eckhart Tolle (via neuromorphogenesis)

thought-waves

People, I have discovered, are layers and layers of secrets. You believe you know them, that you understand them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts. You will never know them, but sometimes you decide to trust them.

Insurgent, Veronica Roth (via antoniaeve)