Abel’ s Chronicles

He/him I write stuff about mental health, personal experiences and queerness

[abels-diary]

An introduction

I just created this account on a whim. I'm not sure why- I've been writing for years, but never showed my work to anyone before.

I'm currently typing this under the harsh light of my mental hospital's bedroom, so don't expect to read light and funny things from me very often. But I'm doing my best- I'm actually doing much better than ever before, to be perfectly honest.

I guess this account is like a letter thrown into the ocean inside an empty bottle of cheap wine : the odds of anyone finding my blog are very slim. Still, I'm doing it for myself, not for clout. And if one person ever reads a word I've written and resonates with it, good. If not, it's okay. I need to learn to enjoy my own company.

See you soon ( or maybe not ),

Abel

[fairycosmos]

truly do not understand how people just slip into relationships and jobs and opportunities and friend groups and lifestyles. to me there are a million obstacles to navigate in a single basic conversation

[feral-ballad]

Jihyun Yun, from Some Are Always Hungry; “Reversal”

[Text ID: “I so want to survive this. Please lead me whole into another season so I may dare begin again.”]

[thepeacefulgarden]

[thelove-rs]

STOP THINKING THERE IS A DEADLINE. THERE IS NO DEADLINE. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TAKE YOUR TIME.

[feral-ballad]

Topaz Winters, from Portrait of My Body as a Crime I'm Still Committing; “Call Me Before You Leave Again”

[Text ID: “I will survive. I will remain here either way, my / bedsheets made of velvet & lavender, falling in love / with the sound of my own want.”]

[christiancornelius]

"I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives." - Tyler Durden

[thiabeagoodgirl]

i will forever be the hurting child, the angry teenager and the lonely adult.

[abels-diary]

Being Borderline

I was talking with a girl I'm with at the psych ward earlier, and we both opened up about having BPD. We're not supposed to share our diagnoses here- but everybody does anyway. And it felt so good to be understood, to have someone really see you. Because no matter how loved and supported you are by your closed ones, they don't really get it, they never will. And eventually, they leave, because you're "too much to handle". They try to fix you, but once they realize they can't, you are left with a text saying that it breaks their heart to see you like this and that they can't keep on trying to save you. But you've never asked to be fixed, or saved, or even helped- all you wanted was love, real love, unconditional love. You're so thirsty for it. It pains you physically, it trails you like your own shadow. Please, please, please love me.

Years go by, and the list of people blocking you on social media or stopping to answer the phone keeps on getting longer. Until one day you realize how much you've lost due to this illness that's rotting your brain- you've lost everything, everyone. Or if one or two people are left, you know it's just a matter of time before they pack their suitcase. You don't even try to hold them back like you used to, you just give up. You knew it was coming.

So then, how are you supposed to cope? How can you start loving yourself when nobody around you does?

[abels-diary]

" I cannot bring myself to look outside- I have seen the devil, Maurice. And the devil was an angel. Because to remember Heaven in the heat of darkness, that is the true meaning of hell"

"Flowers" by Will Sharpe, 2016

[abels-diary]

Maybe I was focusing too much on the destination instead of the journey