Abhishekh Mishra @abeyyabhishekh - Tumblr Blog

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Life is a Puzzle 🧩

It's a puzzle.

Jigsaw puzzle of yours.

For some seemingly easy,

Because they're at

E a s e.

For some it's hard,

Harder than the summit of the mountains.

While for some others,

a m b i v a l e n t.

It's the 'Truth' that no one can tell.

It's a puzzle.

Jigsaw puzzle of yours,

That gives you hope at one time

And despair at another.

It gives you hope cause' you're about to resolve, despair when you realize you weren't

If a piece was

e a s y

And another difficult to adapt,

It is life always,

a m b i v a l e n t.

''Still a puzzle to figure out until

we die inside.''

#abeyyabhishekh

Vivamus, moriendum est.

The tragedies had faith; faith of the world on the shoulders of a madman.

The prophecy of greatness was written; written in the name of a deadman.

But silently did anyone know that Chaos was the chosen one, the one who would end the war, a man who would end the "SOLARIS" reign of pain.

"A man the world trusted"

AND

"He Fell In Love"

In love with poetry.

Left the world crumbling; crumbling in the mysteries and miseries of life.

The last line said....

Vivamus, moriendum est.

"Let us live, since we must die"

20.01.2024

Tear open my chest,

let your claws find the trembling altar beneath.

Does love not bloom brightest

when baptized in blood,

when devotion reeks of rot and ruin?

Your teeth carve scriptures into my ribs,

pull marrow from bone like psalms from a sinner’s lips.

Take it—this feast, this offering.

I am nothing but flesh and faith,

laid bare on a banquet of betrayal.

Drink deep from my veins,

red as the wrath of forgotten gods.

Choke on my prayers,

let them slice your throat on their way down.

You said love was salvation,

but it tastes like damnation now.

My heart beats its final hymn in your hands,

still warm, still pleading.

You swallow it whole,

and with it, the last of my name.

Isn’t it beautiful, this love that devours?

A banquet for two,

and I am the only meal.

I'm unable to sleep again. Pata nahi, where am i making mistake?!

I knew, I'll end up being this again.

I have given my best.

Loyalty, Care, Respect

Where am I lacking.?

Trust?

I do trust. I have always had.

But, what have I got in return?

The betrayal everytime.

The lies everytime.

The tag of being insecure everytime.

But no.

I wasnt this.

I was full of love. I still am.

But, idk, where am I making mistakes?!

I can't sleep.

I'm turning into same old Abhishekh

I always hated him.

*आखिरी कविता*

अक्सर सोचता हूँ,

मेरी आखिरी कविता

किस पर लिखी जाएगी ??

ये आखिरी कविता,

किसी के प्रेम में पनपे नरम

पल्लबों को संजो कर रखेगी ?

या फिर ..... क्रांति की बात करते हुए,

वह white shawl ओढ़े

स्वयंकों अग्नि के हवाले कर,

शहादत ले लेगी ?

या ब्रह्मांड के किसी अन्य,

अनछुए physical dimension को

परिभाषित करने के लिए

अपने शब्द निः संकोच बिखेर देगी ?

इन्हीं प्रश्नों के झंझावतों

से निरुत्तर होकर फ़िर

मैं तुम्हारी तरफ़ देखता हूं।

और मुस्कुराता हूं;

अभि,

मेरे नाम का पहला शब्द तुम,

और मेरी आखिरी कविता भी ! ❤️🌻

#life #abeyyabhishekh #poetry #love

Oh! N is your any friends ?

No cigarettes to smoke No wine glasses to shatter over that white dirty wall. Where are those cannabis pistils? I need them to meet myself, it's been long. Oh! N is your any friend a surgeon? Can he break my skull and fix those anger storms? Can he split my sternum in two, and place what's missing What's that.. causing desperation in me? Can he tear my intestine n stitch it again, To help me digest, my reality? Oh! N is your any friend a lover? Can he lay naked over my grave? Or rub my ashes on his chest hair? Or can he write songs n poetries, for me to stay alive? Oh! N is your any friend a shaman? Can he bring winds, That take me away for a little while? I'll vape clouds on the way. And then when I'll be done, touching and hearing myself, I'll return. To this world. -Abhishekh

They made me...

They made me do what I should not They made me the man I am really not. They made me feel emotions I can't resist, They made me think that I should not exist. They made me a man drowned in hate. They made me forget to love myself. They made me feel that I have no worth, And I have no purpose to planet earth. They made me absurd and a doubtful man They made me to be a pretentious one. They made me, and they think I am to blame. They made me a loser to this reality game. They made me feel everything. But now they made me feel nothing. They made me the worst. They gave me no options. Life is not a choice. They made me...

#abeyyabhishekh #positivity #books & libraries #life #depression #anxiety

The Dirac's equation and her.

It’s funny how a person can be the weaver of both our sweetest dreams and our darkest nightmares?

It’s funny how you can write thousands of poems, songs, essays and blogs for someone and have them scare you in your nightmares at night.

Funny how you can find someone to be your strength and still break down into little pieces after listening to their name.

Funny how someone can be so far from you and still feel the closest. Funny how you can know exactly where you are and still feel lost.

Have you ever heard about ‘The Dirac’s equation’?

(ð + m) ψ = 0

Perhaps the most beautiful of all physics; which describes the phenomenon of quantum entanglement. It states that "if two systems interact with each other for a certain period of time and then separate, we can describe them as two different systems, but in a subtle way they become a single system. What happens to one continues to affect the other, even at a distance of kilometers or light years"

This is quantum entanglement or quantum connection. Two particles, once united, remains connected forever despite the space that separates them. It mirrors the invisible thread that binds them. Across oceans or galaxies, the connection persists, instantaneous and unbroken.

And it is the exact same thing that happens between people when they are united by what we call love, Isn’t it?

Miss someone and still be scared of them. Swim every ocean and still feel like drowning or climb every mountain and still feel like falling after just hearing their voice. Stay unaffected by their absence and still feel like affected just after seeing their photos or a glimpse of them.

Perhaps it all happens because we think of ourselves as something so strong that can’t break. Maybe we forget that change will undoubtedly occur. What begins has to fall one day. Maybe we're ignorant of how strong stars are and yet billions of them break each second. Galaxies cease to exist in a flicker of an eye so how can we not?

We're inchoate and weak like every other entity in this world and yet there's a lost caravan inside us, which is still looking for an endless, endless solace in someone.

Sometimes, I wish.

I sometimes wish I were an object rather than a pile of flesh. A table, or a chair, or maybe a piece of wall. Something that can't hold the power of emotions. Something which is incapable of having fears, anxieties, and feelings.

Sometimes, existing as a non-living thing seems better than human. The more we, me and all of you, live through the days, the more it feels like we're ruining things for us.

Sometimes, music makes me angry. Sometimes I hate it when people flaunt their confidence when it comes to breaking hearts. Sometimes, "Call out my name" seems pointless when I listen to Abel (yes, I started listening him after @vishnuxo18 's suggestion) unapologetically brag about the number of hearts he has broken in his recent album. Sometimes, the glorification of break-ups over baseless things in modern cinema makes me turn off my TV, and Mobile Screen.

Sometimes, it's hard to sleep while digesting the reality of world. I usually wish to sleep and wake up as a non-existing thing so that reality stays irrelevant to me. Sometimes, it gets frustrating to know a new horrible shit every single day.

Sometimes, I wish I were a pigeon, or an eagle. So that I could fly to your bedroom, miles away, to seek comfort. Sometimes I wish I were a car so that I could walk barefoot, cross towns, cities and bazaars only to find you.. Or what if I were a spider on a wall of your room, swinging around to form a web, a home, near your bed.

Sometimes, it feels like it would've been better if I were a hat, or a piece of wood. Maybe a door-mat or a guitar string. Maybe a glass or any other irrelevant thing lying uselessly in your house.

Sometimes, I wish I were a window of your room. So that you could see the world through the shades of my mind. So that you'd know how much greener it gets when I think about you. So that you could see the storm inside my head and all my shipwreck. So that you could see the amount of love I have for you.

We were never meant to make it last.

Our meeting was never an encounter in the right place. It wasn't fate that was destined to happen nor was it something that happened in the right moment. Right from the start, I already had the feeling that we wouldn't work. But I still made the gamble and placed my heart on the table hoping that maybe this time, things would finally work out.

I still believed that we could shape our fate for ourselves. I still thought destiny was something we both had control of and that we would both win in the end. I discarded my fears and believed that this time, I will no longer lose the heart I worked so hard to mend alone, again.

And you also made the bet. It was something you risked with me because we both trusted the process. We both had the trust and faith that what we had would go on forever. After all, we already had that connection and we had it in mind that we would accept each other, despite all that is lacking and all the missing parts.

But it's just funny because I realized we were only leaving our hearts alone to think instead of our heads. We were blinded by the fact that all it needed was love for things to work and that we would always stay the same. When our minds never agreed with this beating thing in our chest, we still forced what was never meant to happen.

We both knew it wouldn't last yet we still tried what we could. Only to end up in the same pattern.

Yes, we were never meant for each other, but we tried. Now we're back on the same painful track that we never wanted to come back to. Right now, I just hope both of us heal from us, from another torn connection that will never be the same ever again.

I'm sorry if the risk I took for you was a risk I never should have taken.

The Fifth Incident

"I wish I could tell him that when you leave, you will be missed", she said.

A year had passed since my grandfather's departure, leaving behind a void in our home. After my 12th, when I visited my village, दादी was not fine. दादी's loneliness was clearly visible in her eyes. It was evident that loneliness had become her silent companion. Soon enough, she started crying. I didn't know what to do. Because even I was missing my grandfather, it was second time I didn't take his blessing after reaching home, the first time was when I had reached home and found his cold body lying - lifeless.

So I took an easy route. I talked with her. She told me that she was just 13 years old when she got married and दादा जी was 17. She talked about hundreds of memories with grandfather, their struggle days, bygone's era lifestyle. Life was easy back then. She even shared memories about my father and uncles' childhood.

Her tears flowed freely when she spoke of Grandfather's departure. Because, he was the man with whom she had shared more than 65 years of life. Every day, every moment, she misses him. I saw the tears in her eyes but couldn't do anything. She wiped her tears with the corner of her saree (आंचल).

Since I had choose the easy route, I asked what the meaning of life is.

"You'll find it out yourself", she said.

She said, "Do you see anything here? People say it is money/wealth, happiness, and blah blah, but no. There is nothing like that. Everyone has their own definitions. They gave it a meaning according to their own experiences."

I asked, "how old are you ?"

"78"

"Must have seen a lot, right?"

"A lot."

She added, "There are differences in just surviving and living. Live your life, there should be no regret of not living it to the fullest; and enjoy every moment with your parents, siblings, friends, and everyone around you. Because, No one knows if you or they'll see the next morning."

"Life is a series of closing doors. Isn't it ?" - BoJack Horseman S1:E9

Yes, It is.

How ironic, when people teach me how to love, I actually find myself in many situations where I have to learn how not to love things, places, and people in all kinds of ways. None of them taught me how to unlove.

The ‘SENSE OF LOSS’ when I felt ‘ALREADY MINE’ was the hardest thing for me. The fact that I only ‘FORGOT’ instead of ‘LET GO’ was also one of the piles of sadness that I was still reluctant to admit as a futility. Then in silence, I went back to pretending that everything was normal, not finished, nor getting clarity.

But that’s life, most of the time it just takes time to really realize and learn.

I spent a lot of difficult times alone, trying to fix things that sometimes didn’t get better but maybe got worse. Wondering what went wrong, then staying up all night just because of one or two words that came out of a stranger’s mouth. I try to be loved easily, when in reality I also hate myself very easily.

Then later, I met a time when I was warned from the start that I was just ‘a REPLACER’ and given the choice to stay or leave. I chose to stay, yes, even though I knew it was only temporary. In the process, I experienced a lot of love and happiness. It’s easy to fall into that moment, but even though it’s hard I often make myself realize that I’m not completely trapped in a sense of comfort. However in the end, IT STILL FAILED.

The day of the goodbye came, the sense of comfort turned into a sense of worry, and the sense of love was somehow difficult to compromise to turn into a sense of sincerity, the happiness of that moment suddenly haunted me. However in the end, IT STILL FAILED.

Many beautiful moments with them died too soon. ❤️‍🩹😊

I saw a dream of us. You, me, flowers, stars and lots of fireflies around a place that you consider home. You, in your dark green lehenga and a sky-colored shawl and me? well, couldn't take my eyes off you to remember the details about me. You lending me your hand to help you climb rooftops so that we can set some pigeons free. Because, "birds are not meant to be caged.", Right?

The saddest part about dreams is that they end. When you're in a specific dream, everything feels long and everlasting but when it's over, feels like it was barely a second. You can't control them nor you can write them. They'll start suddenly. Just like they end...suddenly.

Feels so similar, right?

It's funny how something that lasted for years can feel like it happened in just one moment. Funny how years of memories can be compressed and remembered easily just in one moment.

Guess we're so unfamiliar with good things that when they end, they only feel like dreams. Guess we were just two caged birds who thought life inside cage was everything. Guess we were destined to set ourselves free.

But I still remember you had a hundred words for me when I had only three. Now I have a billion words for you but you don't even have those three.

I sometimes think we're made of different colors that make us a whole. All the good and all the bad resides in them. It's the same for you and the same for me.

White is for all the good memories we've made. Memories that feel more like a dream now and the thing about these dreams is that tho we're aware that they're are not eternal and neither practical, we still sort of wish to live in them for the rest of our life.

Red is for the anger, for failure and unjust. Sometimes, for the disappointment too.

Blue and green are for the pain and sadness. The pain of the separation. The pain of losing the people we love and letting go the people we've lived for. Pain is the tears that ricochet on our pillow every night. It's suffering that is bound to happen like Murphy's law. Sadness, on the other hand, would be remembering how hard that separation was. Sadness is what our loved ones feel when they see this pain in our eyes. The only difference is that sadness can be avoided but we can't dodge pain.

Pink is for the love that prowls inside us. Brown is for the jealousy and orange for the hate that consume us every night and the worst part about these colors is that we've always been scared of mixing them. To feel pink, we avoid red, and to think about white, we avoid blue...

and it often make me think "how'd we become whole if we don't let these colors collide??"

We'll become a whole only if we'll let these colors collide.

Love is a feeling that can be both exhilarating and confusing, a rollercoaster ride that takes you to unexpected places. For one young couple, love came unexpectedly, and with it came a whirlwind of emotions and experiences that they will never forget. We know each other since six months and both had feelings for each other (I had, but idk about her). However, I knew that she had been hurt in the past and was hesitant to open up completely to me. It stopped me from putting my efforts into her.

On Sunday 11th May 2023, fate brought us together in the most unexpected way. We had been trying to meet up, but for various reasons, our plans had fallen through. But on this particular day, we both happened to be at Pashupatinath Temple at the same time. We had planned to meet on that day, but at very last moment, it got cancelled again due to some reasons of her. I went college. On 04:45 pm, she texted me that she will be there at the same time. I was happy.

I entered the temple, as I was walking around, my eyes were searching for her, and I couldn't help but feel nervous and excited at the same time. She send me a snap of her location, And then I saw her, and my heart skipped a beat. I texted her "on your right". She too was waiting for me, and when we finally caught each other's eyes, it was as if the whole world stood still.

We smiled at each other, and even though we couldn't talk much because of the crowds around us, the moment was pure magic.

After the Aarti, we tried our best to talk, but she was in a hurry. However, she kept on asking to meet for at least one minute, and I was more than happy to oblige. She kept on sending snaps of her location and kept on running (sounds dramatic and filmy). But finally we met, even though it was only for two or three minutes, it was enough to make our day. I still have remembered that sweet voice, her eyes, the presence of whole of her. It was magical. Her voice is so good that I want to listen her 24×7 my whole life.

Even though there are some confusion in her head, she know deep down that she loves me, and I feel the same way. Whenever I ask her if I can keep her forever, she replies with a resounding yes. She even texts me, saying that she wants to keep me forever. I was overjoyed to hear these words, but I was still unsure about her true feelings. I knew that she had been hurt before, and I didn't want to push her too much. I wanted her to open up to me in her own time, and I was willing to wait for her.

Our first meeting was a beautiful and unforgettable experience. It was a moment that we would both cherish forever, and it was just the beginning of our journey together. We both knew that there would be ups and downs, but we were willing to face them together.

Love is a powerful feeling that can change our lives in ways we never thought possible. For us, love came unexpectedly, but it was a gift that we were both grateful for. We knew that we had found something special in each other, and we were ready to take on the world together.

The Moment of Realization!

You will see a time that will make you feel like you're knee-deep in sorrow, like you're trapped in it forever, like there's no way out. You will feel vulnerable and apologetic every second of every day until one day, when you're sitting all alone in a corner of your dark room, staring aimlessly at the wall in front of you and wondering if you're ever going to be happy again, your pet will come running towards you, jump and lick your face clean; your seven-year-old brother will walk cluelessly towards you, demand no answer and wipe your tears with his tiny little fingers; your normally annoying sibling will choose to annoy you just a little less that day; your phone will beep with a notification of just another lame joke from your friends, and your parents will forward some random WhatsApp Quiz questions which will make you smile. And in one of those precious little moments, you will realise that your escape is right there in the eyes of those who choose to love you unconditionally, in the eyes of those who think of you when you're barely even looking at them.

It is in one of those precious little moments, that you will realise just how blessed you are to have what you have. It is in one of those precious little moments, that you will realise just how small your sorrow is. It is one of those precious moments, that you will realise just how pure love is. It is one of those precious moments, that you will recognise everything truly worth holding on to.

bahut simple sa funda hai yaar "किसी चीज़ को जितना जोड़ से पकड़ के रखोगे, वो उतनी ही तकलीफ़ देगी, so let it go sometimes. It's an only way to escape."

- Abhishekh ✍️

I often think about my death, how and where is this beautiful incident going to take place?

months ago, I heard a body was found on a railway track, in two pieces. A friend who lives nearby told me that he had a pillow and handsfree too. He got laid on the track, plugged in handsfree (maybe not to get frightened by the loud horns of the train), placed his pillow and started listening to something. Some of the people around him shouted but he could not listen and in no time he was in two pieces.

That raised many questions in my mind, like, how many times had he tried before? how did he plan all of that? Why did he bring a pillow? Was he seeking some comfort on his death bed? And how is my moment going to be?

Maybe an unknown corps on a bench in some park, wearing the same black kurta and converse shoe; with a book on my face, or by getting hit by any high moving vehicles near RNAC ? Or just getting old and lying on bed and expiring slowly (out of all other possibilities that’s the one I hate the most).

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