Joes E-Diary

Be the change that you wish to see in the world

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

Two weeks ago, tomorrow, I broke up with my girlfriend.

I’m still toying with the idea that maybe it’s the wrong decision, then reminded why I did what I did. The reason for the decision came down to multiple reasons, some of which I believe make me a piece of shit.

My partner had a couple of mental instabilities that bought strain upon to us. Now that’s not because I was frequently accused of anything, but the constant need for me to be there at the drop of a hat. The need to speak to her for hours, late at night, because of a bad thought process. Something I struggle with myself, but manage on my own. This situation being the main reason for why.

When I first got with her, she helped me through a situation where by I wanted to kill myself, and avidly looked for ways to do so. Waking up in the morning feeling so empty and crying because I’d literally given up and I knew that. I must admit, that point of my life to me now is a complete blur. I remember some parts, but seem to have completely blocked other parts off. Prior to meeting her I fell for someone else who used and humiliated me. I managed to get out of that situation but still want to be there every day, missing that person. Seems quite peculiar that I’d pine for a situation so toxic.

Anyway, now that me and the girl I was with are no longer together, I’m so fucking bored. I’ve got literally nothing to do, no one to see and I’ve got absolutely no motivation to make any effort to see anyone because of the underlying anxious thought process that I’m literally doing this because I’ve got nothing else better to do. It feels like I’m using the person on the other end to help with my own boredom? Perhaps I’m just interpreting the situation negatively, as I do like my friends, I just worry that they’ll think I’ve only got time for them when it suits me.

I know one thing for certain, I’m done with relationships for a while. Having to commit to one person just isn’t for me. I find myself too often swaying towards other other people.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

Progression

Over the past few months I’ve made progress. Made the right moves to get myself out of the predicaments that were causing so much strain upon me.

I’ve reduced smoking, having a 10 day break, recently restarting again, but, I’m confident. Confident that I can put a stop to it all today. Putting down the habit and instead focusing on more important tasks at hand.

I’ve been to the college near to me for an interview for a night class in accounts, so that I can finally get a qualification that will help me in moving out from my parents and potentially starting a new life up north. The interview itself went well and I should get an update over the next few weeks, in regard to start date, payment for the course and all the other details I’d need to know. I’m feeling quietly confident about succeeding, despite me not telling anyone but my partner about me doing it. My reason for doing so being because I don’t want the stress or questions from people about how it’s going. I’d instead like to just get on with it and then mention it after I’ve done it.

My debts were fairly vast this time last year and I’ve made steps to get those cleared. Taking out a credit card with 0% Apr, transferring the debt onto that card so I’m no longer getting well and truly fucked by the bank in overdraft charges. They will all be cleared within the next 6 months, and I will be officially debt free (bar my car, but that doesn’t count).

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

Cannabis, quite possibly the best mood suppressant.

I recently cut down quite heavily, going from smoking regular 3-5 a day, to once every day.

Now it’s that time of year where work is extra stressful plus the addiction of various personal issues, I can see my usage start to increase. Coming home from work craving the ability to numb myself. It’s a shitty cycle, because now I’m in a difficult financial situation due to that impulsive attitude to cannabis.

You see, I don’t want to quit because I hate cannabis, but because of the financial and health issues it’s calling. However, it’s incredibly hard to just simply go dry and never smoke again. I love getting stoned, perhaps that’s why it’s difficult. The thought of never doing it again, never enjoying it again; never making further memories that so many great ones have been based around.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

It’s been around 3 months now since I began withdrawing off my medication and it’s been a heavy few months, but I’m still standing.

I gradually reduced my dose over those three months. From 1 daily, to half once a week.

I am slowly starting to feel the anxiety return, and the inner voice that percieves people’s actions in a negative way; but I’m trying to notice them before they go anywhere bad, dealing with them.

One thought I really can’t shake, is the constant thought that I’m not normal, with some undiagnosed mental health issue. Desperately clinging to schizophrenia/bipolar/autism. Something to explain why I’m the way I am, with the thought processes I have.

It’s really not fun, because I don’t see myself like everyone else. Not in a superior sense, but on a maturity and mental level.

Mall in all, withdrawals are going better than I could have hoped. Now time to deal with the issues the medication suppressed.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

05:20

It’s as if in that moment nothing else matters.

Today my grandad passed away, the first thing I heard about it being because my mum called me at 8:30 this morning, just after I’d arrived at work. I knew what the incoming call was going to be about, despite not yet answering it.

When I answered the call I told her that I know what it’s going to be about and I don’t want to hear about it as I’m at work, tell me later. Anyway, that had pretty much confirmed to me that he’d passed away, without my mum saying so.

Work goes well, I’m able to maintain a steady mood, and I tell my boss I’m going to want a day off next week as I’ve got a funeral, his response, barely a grunt was just the right amount of giving a shit I needed to keep me going.

Now the nights drawn in, the sadness has too. Eyes streaming, too upset to comprehend that I’ll never see my grandad again. Never make him laugh or see him smile.

Genuinely heartbroken.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

Choking

This weekend was fuckin brilliant. Saw friends ive not seen for several months and just general good vibes.

First night was watching benj dj, with a friend for their birthday. Really enjoyed myself, except for the lady that insisted upon grabbing me because I wasn’t what she’d define as happy. But all in all, that was a great night watching that.

Then the following day I spent the evening watching JME perform some of my favourite songs. The songs I’d have on repeat when I first started hanging out with those guys. It was a nice buzz of nostalgia enjoying the performer with those friends.

All in all, it was a good weekend.

Unfortunately I had to spend a good portion of my time at home waiting for my grandad to get back so I can visit him. That happened on Sunday afternoon, and if I’m honest, I wish I didn’t.

I wish I stayed at the festival so I didn’t have to see him in the state he was. Gasping for air, each breath wondering if that’ll be his last. Sedated into a deep sleep because that’s the kinder and better thing for him. If I’m honest, he’s already gone; the moment they sedated him, he’d gone.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

Two to Four

Today has been relatively decent in relation to work. 

However, when I returned home, I started shouting about the house because my sister had parked her car in a dumb place again meaning I had to re-arrange all the cars on the drive so that I can get out with no hassle in the morning. That all seems so minor and insignificant now. 

After I’d had my little rant, swinging my arms about, raising my voice, my mum approached me telling me to calm down, then started doing that motion you do where you push your arms downwards in a calming manor, after I’d stopped with the raised voices, she told me that my Granddad had taken a turn for the worse, not being able to walk greater than 10 paces without needing to sit down. That was especially hard to take because this is a man that I’ve know all my life to be out in the garden, growing his own crops, doing his own house maintenance. Nothing phased him, and even though he had money, he didn’t throw it away needlessly at tasks he could easily complete himself.

He’s taken a turn that means we now believe he’s got 2-4 weeks remaining, based on some recent test results (best case) and now I can’t stop balling. I’ve been encouraged to go and see him as much as possible between now and “then” but the thought of having to play happy families when you know the person you’re sat across the room from won’t be here in up to 28 days. Well it’s very hard to not get emotional. 

Sigh, life really does throw some punches.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

If you don’t make a sound, no one will notice.

TL,DR; Life right now really isn’t the one for me.

Coming off the SSRIs that I’ve been on since my last mental break down, struggling to fend off what I feel is the next one, brewing up inside of me; I’m really not in a good place right now. Battling an addiction to routine and nicotine, following the same sequence, day in, day out, as if I have some underlying, undiagnosed autistic persona that doesn’t like anything outside of their normal routine, or any change.

Thinking back to how life was two to three years ago; going to the gym daily, eating clean and no drug abuse. Those days seem so far gone now. Not in the sense that I get fucked up every weekend, as I’m relatively good at being sensible, but just not giving a fuck about anything. What I’d give to be able to maintain that dedication to fitness and health, instead, now all it is self-sabotage and trying to suppress my wandering thought patterns. Trying so hard to not let my mind wander into the darkest of places, in which all of my deepest secrets reside, constantly reminding me of why I’m in this situation and why I’ve got such a low opinion of myself.

Surely I’m not that much of a bad person, to constantly live in torment? Feeling as if everything I get on a daily basis is all I deserve. Too afraid to confront what is meant to be, instead, accepting how I’m told it’ll be.

What I’m trying to say, is, I’m depressed. As if that’s a new bit of information and hasn’t been a constant in my life for the past 10 years, only really acknowleding it and accepting it 6 years ago.

I can’t remember the last time that I was on my commute home, that I didn’t think about every single place along the route home I could stop at to put an end to it all. Rivers, bridges, car crash. The thought process usually overwhelming me with the potential impacts it will have upon my loved ones, and how I’ll leave them wondering why. Because let’s be honest, no one I’m really close to really knows the ins and outs of my emotions or mental stability. But is that really my fault? 

Growing up emotions were ridiculed. If you cried, you were a baby or a “girl”. As if your gender determines your sensitivity and emotions.  That kind of torment is undoubtedly to blame for why I don’t open up (unless I’m writing on here). I can’t talk to my parents, and I almost certainly can’t tell me mum that I love her.

Hopefully all of these feelings, thoughts and emotions are merely the side effects of withdrawing from a medication that effectively fucks with the levels within your brain. 

Hopefully.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

Posts

Do you ever go to post what’s on your mind currently, get half way through and decide to just post it privately/as a draft?

Gah.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

These past few weeks I’ve cut weed. When I say I’ve cut it, I mean I’ve not smoked the moment I get home, until the moment I go to bed. Instead, I’ve been saving it for the weekend.

At the start of this week, I started learning a profession I’ve wanted to do for a while. Despite it being around 5 months till the end of the course, I don’t really care. Why? Because this is massive for me, and even if it takes me another year, I’m going to get there, because I actually believe in myself and that I’m capable of getting there eventually.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor, who I told I’m feeling perkier, the weathers getting better, and ultimately, I feel I no longer need to be on anti-depressants any more.  So I’ve started the slow withdrawal process off of them, which hopefully will be as painless as possible.  Consequently, I’ve decided that I’m off the drugs until I feel like my mental health is in a good place and I can handle everything it will throw at me on a comedown.

Things are looking up, finally.  I think I owe that to my new job, where I have consistent hours and a normal sleep schedule. 

Fuck you shifts, never again.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

These past 6 months have been incredibly fucking hard man. My depression has never been worse and my all round motivation was at an all time low. My days lately have consisted of smoking around £20 worth of weed; more if I could afford it. I stopped going to the gym and just started eating Shit constantly. It makes me so upset to see how well I was doing at the gym. Looking at myself now, admittedly I'm still slim in build, but I've lost a good 80% of my mass. I'm not going to sit here and vow that I'm going to rejoin the gym. Instead I'm going to leave the thought in the back of my mind, where it'll hopefully fester into something more. Now I've stopped smoking, tobacco mainly, which is what made me crave. Now that I've cut that, I no longer have cravings for joints. I feel like I'm completely in control of my cannabis consumption. Where as before I'd have cravings whenever my mind wasn't otherwise occupied. I've not even smoked today. Nothing. No cravings no nothing. Fantastic stuff. I have goals for this year. Academically, financially and career wise. I'm not going to write them down here, because then I've set myself up with expectations. Instead I'm going to keep doing what I do and progressing forward at whatever rate I can manage. Goals guys. I've genuinely not felt this perky for many months.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

It’s been a good while since I’ve been bothered enough to want to write anything.

A hell of a lot has happened since I last posted (Or the last time I can remember posting, several months?)

I got a new job, and I’ve been there for 2 months now. In the two months I’ve been there, I already have more responsibility and a brighter future. Admittedly, I took a pay cut that’s a quarter of my previous annual income, but the opportunity to grow and make more of myself is far greater. I actually get on with everyone at the place, I know this because I actually wanted to go to the pub with them after work on the 23rd of December, for the last day of work. So that’s been keeping me in a positive mind frame. It’s hard to get down when you have work to bury yourself in!

I’ve been in Leeds for every weekend now since the end of August. Mainly because I’ve started seeing someone from up there, and have been for the past 3 months. So that’s without a doubt the only reason I’m up there every weekend! Let me assure you it’s not fun driving for two hours in rush hour. Especially through Sheffield and Leeds!

So yeah, life’s more positive. I have a future, and I’m seeing someone who blows absolutely everyone else out of the water.

However, due to my mental breakdown in August I’m still in debt. Mainly because this new job that I took means I had to work for 1 month in advance (2 months before first pay date) without getting paid anything, which was hard. As soon as that’s all cleared, I can finally start looking for a new car for my birthday and where I want to go on holiday this year (Definitely Canada again!)

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

Proper update.

This weekend was another long one. Me trying absolutely everything to avoid facing reality and having to go back to work in the place I've grown to hate deeply. Fortunately I only have 4 days of work left. 2 nights, 2 afternoons. Then once they're done, I'm free to start my new career, and boy oh boy is it looking like a bright one. Company car, salary and static hours. Being successful in the interview process has really filled me with so much positivity. In all honesty, I'm in a hell of a better place than I was at the start of last month. Getting a new job has really picked me up. Now it's time to get myself through the therapy and off these fucking anti-depressants. Which brings me to another topic, that I've wanted to discuss and dissect for a while. That being, drugs. I've grown too used to taking excessive amounts of ecstasy (& drugs in general) when I go out to party. Excessive being 3-4x the amount I need. I mean, some people I go out with take an 8th of what I take in a night. AN EIGHTH! That's absolutely fucking obscene, however in my defence, anti depressants kill most of the effect from ecstasy, so now I have to take excessive amounts to even feel a buzz. Another reason why I'd like to get off the poison. The past few months I've well and truly explored many drugs, and it's been an extremely enjoyable experience. I've grown very fond of psychedelics (2cb, DMT) and the whole experience I encounter on them. Now that I want off the anti depressants, I'm going to attempt avoiding taking any ecstasy or MDMA until I've withdrawn from the medication. The withdrawals isn't an issue, it's the peer pressure from the group of friends I'm associated with. It's far too easy to go out and find myself caught up in 'the sesh' that doesn't die until 8/9am. Finally. I spoke to Alix. I'm not going to bullshit and be all "yeah I asked her straight up". Because that's really not how it happened. In fact, she asked me if I had feelings for her and I got extremely upset, because I felt that this was going to be the end of our wonderful friendship. Anyway, she told me she also has feelings for me, but she's not sure what she wants right now. Which is fair enough, because nor do I in all honesty. So I'll just keep going to Leeds at the weekend and spend as much time with her as possible. Maybe something will come from it; and maybe something won't come from it. I have to say. In comparison to this time last month. I'm in such a better place, mentally.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

Today is my first day back at work for 5 weeks. When I got here, I was on the verge of freaking out. Fuck knows how I made it through all the witty jokes about my absence, but I did. Tomorrow has got me more nervous than ever. I've got an interview at a company that's static shifts, salary & company car (eventually). I've been out and spent money I don't have on a suit to make myself look more hireable, hopefully knowing I've made a lot of effort for the interview will keep me confident and prevent me from mixing my words and potentially making a tit of myself. Finally. I've fucking done it again. I've fallen for someone even though I told myself I shouldn't. I tried quite hard, don't get me wrong. But waking up in the morning with the girl in your arms pretty much every day for the past month. I suppose it was kinda inevitable that I was going to fall for her sooner or later. The only issues I'm facing now is that I really want to tell her, and hope that she feels the same. However it's unlikely she'd ever want to be with a person like me, because of stuff that's happened between us in the past. So now I'm constantly asking myself whether or not it's worth raising it with her, because it might potentially destroy our friendship, and that isn't something I wanted.

[abidingbythesocialstandards]

Throw back to a fond memory