I was happy for once. After December 28 and January 1, my life was peaceful and filled with happiness, but being me, happiness is always short lived.
I called up my crush, let’s hide him under the name, Jasper, excitedly. I was so eager to talk to him, and tell him how much I enjoyed December 28. When he picked up my call he asked why I was calling in a tone as if it was the first time we talked. To cut the long story short, he had a case of selective amnesia. He forgot me, everything we talked about, every “date” we went on. poof gone. It made me heartbroken. One day he talks about the possibility of us being in a relationship then the next, he doesn’t even remember his pet name for me. Ouch right? But that’s not the worst part, noooooo, he makes friends with his ex acting like they were good friends after all the terrible things he did to her. Ugh. I guess, it’s better now. For him at least, but him forgetting who I was, pushed me a little to my suicidal line.
I felt so miserable that I got sick. I didn’t have the energy to study, listen to my peers, or even to play games. I just wanted to lie down on my bed and sleep everything away. My birthday was coming up in 3 weeks and I didn’t feel any sort of excitement for it. I talked to my friend, let’s hide him under the name Matt, about my problems, about how my past was haunting me again, about how I wanted to kill myself. I was so near to it too but then that in the latter of my story. I made a mistake of telling him because it made him sympathetic and he took pity on me and said that he liked me. Now this guy admitted to me once before that he did like me, but my suicidal tendencies made him to believe that he was in love with me. Which he wasn’t. Let’s just say that I made several mistakes in a short span of a week, I drank and did things that I knew was wrong, and everything went spiraling down a tube and within the same week, he left. I felt used. So my suicide seemed more appropriate.
Turns out another guy friend of mine, Jacob, not his real name, admitted as well that he was in love with me. Like I would believe him right? So for one week he continuously texted me, while I gave him the cold shoulder. But then my birthday was coming up in a week and texted something so sweet that my heart melted right into his hands. And there I was again! Hooked on to a guy. I made efforts of going to his school in Las Pinas and I came all the way from Manila and then I would go home to Bicutan. If you know those areas you would see how my effort was. On top of it all, I sprained my ankle while walking in my campus. Yup, I am a first class klutz. But even through that injury I still gave my effort to see him because I feel in love. Hard. He gave me his first kiss. But after his intrams, he left me as well. I was reaching my point of no return, yet with every week that passed, I kept clinging on to something that everything will turn out for the best.
Well, the day came. January 23, 2014. It was a Thursday. I hated it. My friends kept saying that it seemed like I resented my birthday. Well, somehow I did because if I hadn’t been born in the first place then I wouldn’t have to be living this life. The day went on as usual. Morning class, lunch, PE, then we attended youth service at Victory U-belt. During worship, I just poured my heart out. I cried like there was no tomorrow. I felt better. Then my friends surprised me with a cupcake which one of them ate. You would think, “What a jerk!” but hey I was feeling better even though he ate it. Yeah sure I was pissed, but I was quick to forgive. Suddenly from the distance, my best friend came out with a mocha roll cake. It was an awesome surprise. It was a first for me and hopefully not the last. I gave some of my friend a mocha icing facial and we had our fun. When I got home, my father bought me a cake too. My grandfather sang me happy birthday and I felt really better. My thoughts of suicide were brushed away again and I prayed that they would never come back again.