Abmyssal at Best

just some sad stuff I guess

[abmyssalatbest]

There is something to be said of loving

And being loved in return

Something loud and raucous filling my head

Everytime you walked in a room

But good doesnt last forever

And ours ended too soon

So I bid you farewell and good tidings

And my bed is a little colder

Friends we were before

And will be again

So goodbye my first love

The port in a stormy sea

The oceans looking rocky again

Now that you're not with me

But I made that decision alone

And alone I shall carry this burden.

So enjoy that life you have

The one without me in it

Dance with a new partner

While I regain my own feet

Swaying to my own new rhythm

[abmyssalatbest]

I would like to scream, I think

The constant throb on the base of my skull relenting

Finally

I would like to scream and cry and yell and curse

But it's not how I was raised so I refrain

I was raised in taunting words and biting laughter

I was raised in not quite appropriately timed jokes

I was raised in "God just take a joke"

I was raised in making jokes and biting laughter and make fun of others before they get the chance to make fun of you

Sometimes I hate myself for it

For laughing at people the way I was taught to

For counting certain types as they meander through their own lives

Sometimes theres nothing else to do but plaster a grin on your face and pretend that its fine

That this is funny

That your whole family is full of goddamned comedians

And well if they cant take a joke

That's on them, right?

Right?

[abmyssalatbest]

I greet myself in the mirror like an old friend, someone you havent seen in a while. Maybe because you drifted apart or because they hurt you. Sometimes I dont recognize the eyes staring right back into my own, sometimes it reminds me of someone else and sometimes I know without a doubt that it's me. That it always has been. I don't know what's worse.

[abmyssalatbest]

I draw parallels

The previous and the now

Dark hair and light

One cut her self to peices trying to fit a mould

The other let her mother do it for her

And yet I lay awake a night

Thinking of both

If tomorrow would be the day

I get the phone call that said

Its over.

Shes gone.

[abmyssalatbest]

She didnt take her meds

I remember almost vividly,

Knowing my words would never change her view

I begged her not to dig too deep, too close to major arteries

I lay awake at night dreaming up every scenario where I get the phonecall that she broke her promise even though I havent seen her in years

She didnt take her meds

She used to say that it made her act like someone else

I lay awake thinking that I would love nothing more than to medicate myself

Teachers used to approach me, instead of any responsible adult

Asking if she was okay

And I, barely eleven at the time

Went into the restrooms with her and a bag of tissues

trying to stem some of the bleeding

I dont know if they would even call me, now

It's been years since I've seen her

And if she were to cut herself into ribbons

Would I even know?

[abmyssalatbest]

Pondering the Morality of the Mortal Wound

I do not want to kill, I think

Loading up my gun

I do not want to harm or hurt

I somberly ponder

The double meaning

Of justified action

Against myself and no other

If I was to bring the lead upon my temple

And breathe my last

Is it not morally just,

In that it would let them breathe instead?

Tighten the rope and sharpen the knives

I'm saving me and mine

Scrubbing my own presence from this earth

Cleansing those who wished it sooner

Helping those who did not wish it

Justified homicide

Wont get me any jail time.

[abmyssalatbest]

I am holding my flashlight aloft, looking for myself and if I cannot find who I once was I will just make myself anew

[abmyssalatbest]

I want to see my ribs. I want dark circles under my eyes and hair that hasn't been brushed in days. I want to look how I feel, what I repress. I want to look ragged and rough, jaded and tired and I want to look like someone you would pull out of class and ask "is everything alright at home?" And I would reply something like yes of course and we would both know I was lying. Instead I'm chunky around the hips and my hair is naturally wild and despite not sleeping nearly as many hours as the fingers on my hand I look fine. You would brush past me, the only sign of my weariness is the fact that I'm falling asleep in the back of your class.

[abmyssalatbest]

I wear my fathers old engagement ring

Mind you my parents are still... together. I wont say happily. I cant. I wear it nonetheless. Sometimes I wear his cologne and dress in his sweaters. I cant quite fathom why I do it Maybe I'm holding onto an ideal him that was never really there. Maybe I'm holding onto the remnants of when he gave it to me and said dont lose it.

I dont drink his beer. I cant stomach the things he used to drink. Maybe because of all the long nights I spent fighting with him. Maybe for no reason at all. This one is a little clearer

I keep my memories of him close. He still breathes in the next room over.

[abmyssalatbest]

I have reverted perhaps to my natural state of being. Half human. Half whisper. Part echo in the halls and part screaming agony.

Perhaps it is my destiny that where there is no spark there is no light. Where there is no her I do not breathe. I do not dare to.

Part silence, part creaking gates to an empty cemetery. Everything inside is dead apart from the starving crows and the worms.

Part nothing part everything. Half alive and all the way dead. A rotting memory of a life that once lived.

[abmyssalatbest]

We share the same eyes

And if you squinted the same general proportions

I dont want to become him

I dont want to speak with the venom that courses through his veins

I dont want to carry a hate that goes down to my marrows

I want to get plastic surgery

Or claw my eyes out

So I never have to see his face in the mirror again

Father

[abmyssalatbest]

I am no god. Who am I to decide what X is

[abmyssalatbest]

You were born. You will breathe. And you will die. What a cruel world, love, making you work and toil and suffer, only to keep breathing, to keep dying again and again

[abmyssalatbest]

Exhaustion clings to me. I'm not ready for sleep to take me yet. There's too much to do

[abmyssalatbest]

Turns out me writing crappy poems had a purpose. I do in fact now have a girlfriend. The joys of poetry

[abmyssalatbest]

There is no why about my love for you

Just something that's always been there

Nestled under my ribs,

Sending fire through my veins

Theres a how though

An unequivocal knowledge that it's always been this way

My hand in yours

Our lips connect

There is no why about my love for you

Theres a laundry list of reasons

Your eyes, your smile, your kindness

And god even if there was a way to stop it

I wouldnt trade it for the world

[abmyssalatbest]

I'm wearing the shirt you bought me

And the nail polish you love colours my tips

My mouth holds the memory of yours

And your hand fits perfectly around mine