Live from CJ's head

Official blog (kind of) for my band A Bad Night For A Hero. I also post whatever I'm processing when I'm not at work. Music, love, comic books, the quest that is called "Life"

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The Yeti - Metropolis

It’s been a long time since I posted here, but I may as well. A few months ago some friends and I filmed a music video in downtown Colorado Springs. It's dedicated to "Bee" Branwyn Kenney who passed some time ago. She's never far from my thoughts, so I wanted to make something to reflect the times we shared. In my darkest moments I've always turned to my friends for support and she was one of the best. I'll leave it at that. Big thanks to everyone who helped put this together. I hope you enjoy.

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"You can turn the city upside down like an umbrella. But it won't keep you dry" #dntel

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#suescasa

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#mirroruniverse

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#decomposing

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Retired Monster Hunter. My favorite pup.

[torivic-deactivated20221128]

is it even a cartoon for kids?

[dancerhotcocoa]

“enjoying your eternal rest” #mood

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Thanks to @fondoftrees for this awesome artwork for "Sugarpea Sea"! Its very lovely and more charming than I could hope to be as a flesh and blood human thing

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Menagerie - Chains

So ABNFAH will be performing with Menagerie at The Zodiac this saturday. This music video is from their upcoming LP and it holds a soft spot in my heart because yours truly was the one who filmed it! That’s right, I got to play cameraman and assistant director and help them make this music video!

Anyways, you should come out for ABNFAH and Menagerie this Saturday. The show starts at 8!

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Rob just made me the happiest manic pixie dream guy

[depressionhope]

What does depression feel like to you?

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Registered for ASL classes at the Deaf and Blind school. It’s more than a month away but Im still anxious and nervous and excited about it

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#carnivalrides #abnfah

[cwote]

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What Happened To Me

I don’t know. Good Question. I guess the very simplest answer is that depression happened and I have to remind myself on days when I’m too weak to get out of bed and nights when I can’t sleep.

I used to feel important. I used to be socially active. I used to do a lot of things. I was involved with so much in the community. I was the guy you’d see at shows almost every week. I was the guy you could get drinks with whenever. I was a guy you could call and get an answer. And then everything changed... (haha)

I’ve dealt with depression since I was a kid, but a few years ago it got worse. A lot worse. I volunteered myself to a mental ward after various suicide attempts and lots of poor decisions. I went to therapy afterwards and started taking medication. As of this moment, I’m no longer doing either of those things, for better or worse.

I wish I was the guy I used to be. And sometimes I feel like that’s what my friends want too. I feel like everyone wants something from me or they expect me to be like I was, but I’m not. I spent so long trying to be everything to everyone because it was the only way I felt like I had a purpose. I cracked under the pressure and I lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. And I can’t even live up to my own standards which were set under (arguably) better circumstances.

I struggle constantly with the goals I set. There’s so many things I’d like to keep alive, but they start to feel useless and ambiguous. Meaningless. So I consider letting them go. And when they’re gone, I feel a void. A great big emptiness. And it takes everything else. Because without those goals and those arbitrary things to distract me, I feel nothing. No purpose. No reason to keep going. The game is over. Turn it off and unplug.

But I won’t do that. I hear life is worth living and I hope it’s true. I’m just tired of trying and always falling short. That being said, I’m trying again. And I’m trying not to burn myself out. There are things I want to do. And if they don’t impress anyone else, maybe I can at least impress myself 

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Making a ferris wheel out of paper is probably one of the dumbest things I've ever volunteered to do. But its happening.