let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
PR's Tumblrdome
almost home
Today's Document
if i look back, i am lost
YOU ARE THE REASON
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
noise dept.
Love Begins
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
we're not kids anymore.
One Nice Bug Per Day
I'd rather be in outer space šø
KIROKAZE
ā
tannertan36
tumblr dot com
Monterey Bay Aquarium
Jules of Nature
oozey mess
seen from TĆ¼rkiye
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Portugal
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Argentina
seen from Sweden
seen from T1
seen from Malaysia
seen from Romania
seen from Moldova
seen from United States
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from Singapore
seen from United States
@aboringman
Day 33
Thanks for listening, but in a few days I think I will stop. Iām planning to move on and this isnāt the way. I appreciate you listening to me (even though youāre just me) throughout everything. Itās been a hell of a ride but all things come to an end. Iām ready to see this to the end.Ā
Day 31
Lol.. I keep missing the weekends for these entries.. And I was pretty late updating today as well. Anyway... I was torn between mailing her the keys and just throwing it away. Cause on 1 hand, it is dangerous to just throw away keys and itās very rude and disrespectful to the owner cause they might need it. But.. on the other hand, why should I give a shit about what she thinks or what possible harm might happen to her? So, if I return the keys, I spend more effort to a person who not only abandoned me, but despise me for being me and being a human being. If I throw away the keys, I get the satisfaction but at the same time get ridiculed by my friends. Both arenāt good options.
So I have an alternative. Why not take the keys and a bunch of other stuff she gave me like her gifts, get them all together in a box, burn it for content? I just want to point out that all the gifts she gave me although handmade are not specifically for me. What she did was, oh.. Iām gonna make a gift for everyone.. Oh no, I made some that arenāt that nice.. Hey Kyle, Happy Birthday!! Happy Valentineās Day!!! Merry Christmas!! So yeah, she never really put any thought into my stuff. And they are flammable!! So perfect use of random crap.. Now all I need is photos of two of us so I can look at it sentimentally in the video and burn it cause I deleted anything to do with her (Regretting it now). Well, Iāll find a way!!
Day 29
Damn... Full lockdown? I was expecting to film stuff after June.. Oh well, once my sunglasses come in, Iām gonna try filming at home. Might as well do something since I donāt have much to do anyway. Itās also surprising to see the difference between friends and couple relationships. I talk to Amelie yesterday about this. She said she knows that she is that kind of person, all her quirks, bad habits and all. But despite that, she will never say anything to her, she wonāt call her out on it, sheāll just let it go. My mentality was if youāre close friends with someone who will call them out on their bad traits. Thatās what Nessa would do, and she considers me a close friend. But at the same time, she didnāt do that with her. Weird... Maybe itās also because she never acts that way with Nessa. Just everyone else around her. But oh well, when the sunglasses arrive, a video will be made..Ā
Day 28
I left the only few groups I have with her. But now need explain the situation to a few people. Cause most of them donāt know or are still confused. Well, another day of me giving ātalksā.. hahaha
Day 27
I think Iāve moved on.. Occasionally will think about her and the situation. But not as muchĀ āfeelingā anymore. I decided to just either pass the key to Nessa or just throw it away.. The only reason for the 1st option is out of respect to Nessa as she is her close friend. I couldnāt care less about Casey honestly. The more I process and analyze the situation (our friendship/relationship), the more I realize how bad a person she is and how she got away doing that all her life. So I rather just erase her from my life in the future. Itās not like Iām being cruel or a jerk. She wanted this to happen, it was her intention all along.
Day 26
Hmm... I suddenly acquired not exactly hatred.. But more like disgust towards her. Like how people think of police who abuse their power and such.. Basically I donāt see her as a person I would like to be associated with, itās tragic. I did think like, maybe I should just mail back the keys so I donāt have to see her or think about it in the future. But then I realize, why should I bother putting in the effort to do something for her? Not like sheās gonna give me back my stuff. Iām not gonna throw it away though, Iāll just ball it up and leave it in the corner. And when one day I do actually have to meet her (not by choice), I could just give that ball to her and never speak to her again. Itās brilliant!!Ā
At this point I donāt even care what Nessa says when she tries to defend her. She hinted me very clearly that Casey is not processing her emotions.. She does in fact hate me.. And she basically doesnāt really want to get involved with me.. So yeap.. But I would thank her for something. My research is in fact complete. Because I get to see first hand how most girls are in relationships. Doesnāt matter if you super hot, or have many relationships, or even in HER case, no experience or knowledge whatsover. They still act the same way! They are all terrible people who abuse their rights as women.
Day 25
Well today was weird, the mom of my ex best friend is asking how Iām doing. Apparently she was concern about our relationship and didnāt know that we arenāt friends. I didnāt really tell her the details but the gist was her daughter doesnāt want to talk things through, not me at the moment. At least she understood lah, and she didnāt pry too much into it.
But then a few moments after that, I saw her post on FB about some things you say canāt be taken back or canāt be forgiven something something. Iām guessing right after me she talked to her daughter and she probably talked a lot of shit about me. Oh well, blood is thicker than air, cause our friendship is like air, you canāt see it but it is said by people that itās there, even though it may not be.
Day 24
I bought my sunglasses. Not sure if itās Aboringman enough but yeah.. Last night I couldnāt really sleep cause I was processing why the relationship fail and what not.. Cause as per Nessaās advice, itās good to know. I wrote like a long ass essay on it and was about to share it with her. But I deleted it. Because I know she would think of it as me being unfair to Casey and start defending her. But it was interesting though, the fundamental problem in that relationship was not communication issue, it was the basis of our friendship. I overestimated my connection and bond with her.
Itās gonna take some time to get used to it. But I feel in the end, I would probably never see her again, even if she wants to. Iām not interested in shallow friendships.
Day 23
Wow.. Had a great talk with Nessa and Cat about everything. I mean, nothingās gonna change about the situation but still.. For some reason I still feel sad about it. Despite it being a shallow friendship and it being nothing, I missed the connection we had. But I will get over it. I always do. I need to take a look at everything and see how it betters me in the future.
And apparently Iām not difficult to deal with, Iām a nice guy. So whatever Casey said about me, I donāt have to take it. She can hate me for me being me, but I know my true friends will accept me for me. Nessa is gonna talk to her and check up on her, I donāt know what sheās gonna say, what she feels. The one thing I never told Nessa yesterday was, when she said Casey was hurt, she was losing a dear friend. That part, I disagree. If she really felt that way, she would try to work things out, she would put the effort in. But no, our friendship meant nothing. So yea..Ā
Day 22
As I expected. Our relationship, our friendship was actually very shallow. I think I've handled the call well. Despite everything, I could forgive and move on. I acknowledged my faults and understand hers. At the end of the day, I realized what we had meant nothing. It was just a bunch of lies. But thats okay. I learned from it. I would not argue on her decision and actions. I don't feel I need to. She is happy the way she is. She is content being where she is now emotionally and doesn't want to grow. But that's fine.
I have friends who accept me for who I am. Even if I don't, who cares? I can make the effort to make them. My only hope is that one day, she eventually realize. Sometimes you need to look at yourself and realize the problem. And be brave enough to fix it. Not hide behind it and blame it on someone for calling you out. But meh... Thats for her to decide. I'm done!! She's not a part of my life. Time to see where this new journey leads.
Day 21
The day has come. All of this will be ending soon. But strangely enough, today I have so much extra things to do. I need to pray to God at the office after work. And possibly wait for a shipment of products for the office until 3pm. Which is the exact time we were supposed to have the call. Hmm... weird. Is this Godās play? I mean, I want the video call to happen. I want to get it over it. Is this a play to help Casey? Who rather not speak to me? I donāt know. But honestly, no matter what weird situations and tricks you play. Iām gonna make this happen. Itās unfair for me to have to give way to others all the time, even when Iām not in the wrong. Weāll see how today plays out.
Day 20
One more day to go. Iāve planned out everything properly cause thereās no point expressing emotion in this conversation. Iāll stick to my agenda, and weāll go from there. Will send a message confirming the video call time and date, as well as guidelines.Ā
āI will start the Zoom call at 3pm, will invite you then. You may choose to on video cam or remain unseen. If the time not good for you, let me know. If youāre fine with this, or decide to not go through with this. Please update me. Thanksā
Itās formal yet informal at the same time I guess? Cause even though weāre not friends, I do not see the point of treating her with respect in a professional business sense. Weāre just two strangers trying to settle something. Throughout these days waiting, I realized that she actually talked about this to many others. The story was probably warped to her favor thus people that used to be my friends start ignoring me. But thatās fine. Iām not a kid trying to get people on my side. Iāve only spoke to two people regarding this and never spoke ill of her in any way. Tomorrow I will check in before the call, better get this done and over with.
Day 19
I realized that recently when I said I wake up emo everyday about the thing cause of the video call on Friday, it was a health issue. Lol. Apparently it was just gas built up due to digestive problems. And.. maybe I have heart problems. Need to do full body check up after this. Itās been long overdue.Things are going okay, Iām slowly able to get things done. The depression phase is almost over. It just goes to show, you can overcome suicidal or depression alone if you wanted to. When I say alone I donāt mean you donāt talk to people and shit. I mean you donāt need someone to beĀ āthere for youā. Cause you are there. Why expect someone else to help you when you refuse to help yourself. For those who are depressed or to my future self who might be depressed or suicidal again, TRY IT. Find a way to deal with it yourself. Cause at the end of the day, blind expectations you have for othersĀ āhelping youā might make things worse.
Day 18
I watched videos from Robert Kiyosaki today. Heās the rich dad poor dad guy.. Strangely enough, it helped me understand my feelings and acknowledge what was going on. I mean he was talking about business, but being me with my fucked up brain I converted it into something about relationships in general. I always watched a few Tiktok videos on relationships after that.. Weirdly enough they keep popping up.
So this is what I realized. A relationship is built upon mutual understanding and mutual trust. Itās give and take, and takes 2 to make it work. Friendships are technically just people using each other (or helping people out). Short term friends are people who only need you for a specific time. In my case, she only needed me to go places. At the time, she was stressed out cause she canāt find a job or keep getting crappy ones. So she needed someone there for her. But now she found a job she is content with. And she doesnāt need me to go anywhere cause she doesnāt need to. Even if she did, sheās got Nessa. So my purpose in her life disappeared, therefore she doesnāt need this friendship. Iāve used her too, Iām not a saint. I needed her to communicate and bond with others. Without her, I probably canāt socialize with so many people. I needed her to get my ideas across cause no bother takes me seriously. I needed her to try new things, like my video content thing or any events and stuff. I needed someone to be there for me.
And this was our relationship. We support and help each other to grow and help one another.. This is what long term relationships are. But she was content with her current state. She felt there was no need for people like that in her life. She made it to where she wants to be. So it became a short term relationship. Thatās why she stopped talking to me and stopped caring. Cause there was no need to.
It was so simple, yet I didnāt understand. Iāll probably still keep thinking about this.. Iāll probably never get over it so soon. But at least this time. I wonāt be depressed about it. I wonāt let it torment me for the rest of my life. There is no point caring for someone who doesnāt care for me. Iām done being theĀ ānice guyā. Iām not being nice.. Thatās called being stupid. So thatās it. 4 more days until this whole thing comes to an end.
Day 17
Opps, missed a day again. Well nothing much happened yesterday anyway. But god damn, IāM WEAK!!! Few days ago, I was so prepared for the call. I thought my feelings have completely faded. Now Iām just depressed and scared for Friday. Deep down Iām still expecting something good to happen. Expecting a friendship and an actual talk to solve things. Even though I know the outcome. FUCK THIS BRAIN!!! I donāt know what to do.. Could this feeling go away after the call? Or it will make it worse?
I mean, this is how the call is gonna go. She will just ask what, and letās get this over it. Say that being your friend was a mistake and sheās happy the way things are. In fact, she is happier than before. Will ask me to either throw the key away or give it back to her and clear out all my crap from her condo (Probably the 2nd one). Then after that, never speak to her or her family or anyone she knows ever again. Thatās it and she ends the call.Ā
I know this is going to happen.. Itās 99.99999999% gonna happen this way. And this is based on facts and because unlike her, I took the effort to get to know her so I know her way of thinking. But why... I need to freaking move on. I hope the day comes soon. Maybe once its over, I will be able to forget it all.
Day 15
Well, she responded. Probably Friday gonna video call. But Iām guessing she only did it cause I mentioned that I talked to Nessa. And she just wants to do it for her sake. I donāt think she really wants to talk about anything. Probably when it starts she just gonna say so what? What you want? If thatās it then bye. She doesnāt really see me as a friend anymore. But she will still willingly talk to me for the sake of Nessa, her friend. Thatās good to know. At least sheās learning to be considerate to others (not me, Nessa).
Day 14
Well.. I managed to talk to Nessa. And as I expected she already spoken to her.. And omitted a lot of the stuff. But meh.. So she said to meet up and talk things through would be better. So probably wait till after MCO give her the key face to face.. But I think thatās a bit too extreme. If the person (which is Casey) doesnāt even want to meet you, forcing a meet up by using an object is just wrong. So, Iām gonna just invite her to a video call, we talk it out there. Then from there she can choose if she wants the key hand delivered or just mailed. That way, at least she has the option. From what Nessa said, I guess she is trying to distract her guilt and what not with work. So I guess being associated with me brings her discomfort. So I will send her a message, ask her when she free to talk. I will give it until 12am today? I think she has her off day today so she should have many hours to decide if she wants to reply. And if she doesnāt, that means she rather not speak to me ever again. So Iāll just mail the key over and thatās it. Yeap, pretty simple stuff.