Portia Nichole

deplorable

[abraxasbabe]

Rip out my heart and hold it in front of my eyes.

The way you lied through your teeth was the biggest surprise.

How convincing and caring,

The words you chose when you spoke.

The button you pushed with intent to provoke.

How you took the time to learn me,

Studying my reactions like bible lessons.

Later you'd hold a match to my scripters

Just to see me splinter.

It was genius, patient and thorough.

I always knew you were too good to mean well.

I fell for your tricks, you werent capable.

But all you wanted was to see how I squirmed.

Soaked in fluid and held a match just out of reach.

Challenging me to change and become meek.

You dulled my personality and called me sunshine.

So I drown myself with bottles of wine.

Marionette to marry your decept

I still can't believe I was wasn't the one kept

[abraxasbabe]

Suicide

Writing love letters to buildings I wish I was confident enough to flirt with.

Butterflies never felt more lifting when the world was beneath my feet.

Just a step off the edge,

a strong breeze.

Just one distant city hum to make my knees weak.

For thought of a future,

Of commiting forever.

Giving myself to death as my lover.

Nervous, sweaty palms.

Telling myself not to go on.

It's just wishful thinking.

Talking myself out of no longer existing.

[abraxasbabe]

There are still days Im not sure how much longer I have. There are still times I wish..

I wish I would have.

There are moments I wish I cut a little deeper, hung a little longer before the belt broke. Took a couple more pills or actually pulled the trigger.

There are times I wish my desire was bigger.

I cant decide if its because I never actually wanted to die. If it really was a cry for attention, except that no one got to hear.

Alone in this world, after each dark year. The thoughts never settled, nor the longing subside.

But once in a while Im glad I survived.

[abraxasbabe]

Alcohol

Lately my shirt feels like I'm wearing a corset and I wake up at night gasping for breath.

If I put on a necklace, it tightens til I choke. I've broken so many chains just trying to cope.

My leggings feel like straps on a hospital bed, just trying to keep me still...

Til my meds kick in

My burdens are weights, like a heavy backpack or a drunken best mate.

Carrying it around with noodle like legs.

Worried about crumbling, crying in public. Losing my job because I can't get up.

Are you still watching?

Queue it, remind me later.

Alerts going off like s.o.s. reminders.

Snooze. Go for the booze.

You can't afford to lose,

so make sure you never have to choose.

Bottle it up. Save it for a rainy day.

For when you have enough bottles to drown your dismay.

[giwtaraa]

[coughloop]

[abraxasbabe]

I have never been this insecure and anxious in my entire life.

I feel like there's a permanent knot in my throat and pit in my stomach. I want to pull my hair out and hide from humanity.

I had no idea how much stuff I have been suppressing with drugs and being clean feel like it's going to kill me.

How I feel is directly affecting every aspect of my life.

Everything I love and care for is falling apart. And I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.

This is not who I am, this is not who I want to be or how I've ever been before.

I'm a fucking monster.

[abraxasbabe]

There's a lump in my throat.

Everytime you walk out that door I choke.

Your history of infidelity plagues me.

I can't see why I would be worthy.

I'm terrified you're not trust worthy.

[abraxasbabe]

Looking into your eyes for the first time scared me half to death. I could see the raging fire that made up the violence in your chest. The pain your mind endures is burned into my head. I could never forget it if I tried.

I wasn't sure if I could do this at first, but something told me you were worth it. To just be patient.

It took me a while to find the strength to look that deep inside you again but when I did, you had softened. You opened up your heart to me. Like an abandoned puppy realizing they found their forever home.

Hesitant but hopeful.

You let your guard down and I silently swore to myself, whatever it takes. You'd learn that you were safe.

That it was time to let the war inside you come to an end. It was time to rest your weary head. Your nobility will never be forgotten. How you took on all of them.

I was warned of your dangers, how you had the tendency to hurt others. No one took the time to tell me just how you had suffered. Maybe its something they just never considered.

I was told to stop taking in 'broken' men. That I couldn't fix them and it wouldn't make me happy. But you were so beautiful, you're a mosaic of every heart break you've been through. And I just could not stop staring at you.

Every piece of your shattered soul fits together like a puzzle. Watching you come together, you are so unstoppable.

You're a work of art and you're so blind. Never allowing yourself the time to be admired. Or give yourself credit for that matter.

[abraxasbabe]

When you walked into our room it felt like your heart challenged mine to a battle of forgiveness.

A stand off of just who cared more.

Just how much, do I adore?

[abraxasbabe]

I watch you

Laying on the concrete floor.

The rise and fall of your chest.

How precious your every breath.

Your profile should be chiseled from marble

The way your ears lobe make my eyes roll.

I would gawk at your beauty over a view of the city.

The words you choose when you speak Sound so fucking pretty.

[abraxasbabe]

[abraxasbabe]

[abraxasbabe]

[abraxasbabe]

[abraxasbabe]

Someone should figure out how to turn anxiety into electricity.

The amount of lightening I feel in my veins could brighten this city.

Maybe, then we could all be happy.

Sitting pretty.

At the expense of one person feeling so shitty.

[abraxasbabe]

This house gets so loud, while I'm awake at night.

Wind howls through the walls, Shutting off every light.

Painful goans from a foundation that's withered and old.

A bomb goes off over a shift on the floor board.

Windowsills whistle, trying to keep in the warm.

You can hear my heart throbbing, from being ignored.

I keep holding my breath, trying to steady the reps.

Tucking my chin deep, down inside my tornado chest.

My skin crawls with static, from here on, I panic.

Phantom foot steps creep to the threshold, I'm paralyzed watching the handle jiggle.

The door leans open, no one is there.

Just the void staring back and silence in the air.