EVERYTHING - NOTHING

Justina. 23. queer poet

[absentpoetics]

like yesterday

memories quick like interludes gone too soon like the scent of you I'm asking strangers to take trips with me get higher than the cloud I lived on with you wings are overrated I can only pray to fall it's as close as I'll get to the feeling of fading and I know it was never you that made me whole you just helped me recognize that all the parts were perfectly placed

[absentpoetics]

you have grown and it is smothering you no longer have time for my questions and they’re piling up

i lean on my elbows to get a better look at you

what do you see

do those great heights terrify you

can you even hear a word

i cup my hands around my lips “i love you’s” fall short onto the pavement beneath your feet

its a new world isn’t it what were once chains are now charms adorning your wrists your teardrops are jewels my umbrella cannot withstand

where did the time go

I have held on for so long the entirety of your nothings rest in my nailbeds

it was humbling to be free of my meaning to become yours now you have forgotten and I am the loose thread hanging from your linens

you reach for me with incessant fingers and I am removed

you are forever beautiful

[absentpoetics]

entry

I cannot carry anything else my arms are fullof the names you spoke in your sleep I now know who I am not One article of clothing after another a shirt too loose in the collar a pair of jeans too tight in the waist I grieve in front of the mirror I am ¼ of what I once was this body emptied over time You turn down the sheets for me even though you know I cannot stay still there’s no tricking myself into breathing softly and with every breath that passes between your lips I gain a new identity I am bright blue from keeping them trapped inside shattered ribs I cannot carry anyone else

[absentpoetics]

sorry Ed

concept

I will love you only when you’re available I’ll say goodbye on your behalf each time you choose someone else it sounds better when I say to myself “it is just a phase and you have loved much longer” I will not look for you in crowds when I know you are safe in arms that do not tense at the thought of being touched

I have not yet grieved for my invaded anatomy

Frankly I am sick of being a bystander to love songs I have never thought out loud (raising my voice above a whisper tears the shingles from the roof of my mouth)

I am cracked plaster I am a shattered window

It sounds better when I tell myself “light can still shine through broken glass”

[absentpoetics]

homecoming

at this point there are several versions of myself there’s one  afraid of living again  content with the sheets restless with vivid dreams another too busy misbehaving  telling everyone how beautiful they are because I still had some words left for you  the other  planting seeds  in an endless garden providing just enough tears for each to blossom  the last  is hoping to give myself away again begging to be picked  prematurely

[absentpoetics]

reality

dial tones are the top 5 of the top 40 most heartbreaking sounds I think number one would be the sound of your car door shutting with me on the otherside left behind as always how did we get this way I thought love prevailed yet this is the last round and there's just teeth And bones shaking knees and swollen eyelids when we were kids superman always took the most blows it was unbelievable he was unstoppable yet at every turn he was knocked down right now you and I are the kryptonite stuck in love's side it can't overcome us

[absentpoetics]

sometime’s I think I’m handling your absence well other times I am too present my blood too heavy each vein too small  to pass the flow i am not empty there are gallons of matter inside of me  it feels as if my heart is beating thoughtlessly unsure of it’s purpose not familiar with mourning only hoping to heal 

[absentpoetics]

feeling like you’ve done something wrong but having no idea what is the worst feeling in the world 10/10

[on-poetry]

One Last Poem for A     h

Today makes it two years, and this time it doesn’t matter anymore. I know this because I’ve been jumping into forest fires to make up for your absence, because

The Universe stopped holding its breath for us, the sun keeps its distance, picking the astronomy from underneath your fingernails like the way you said your last goodbye:

Too disinterested to call it a night, too distracted you let the night fall anyway, and this is the last poem I’ll write because

It’s the first poem I’ve called you by name. A     h, we still built something beautiful together. Even if the chapel isn’t holy it still has room for one more god, even if we’re nonbelievers we still had a reason to pray. So,

You’re six hours and a Great Lake away from me, and I’m still leaving the door open if you need to slam it. Because you left it there, with the way you held your breath like we were underwater, with the way you kept your hands to yourself, my skin still soaked with all

That sulfur. This time it doesn’t matter anymore. But still, maybe some small part of me, half-charred, half-explosive, half-hungry for the other half of me, burns still.

Sean Glatch  Inspired by Sandra Cisneros’ One Last Poem for Richard Edited to protect his name

[absentpoetics]

Lilies (poems written in class pt.1)

I am blossoming somehow the sunlight was enough I am clutched close to the chest of a boy/girl their soul and I are a pair I am a possession a delicacy atop their ear I am pressed between the pages of a novel to bookmark a comparable love my petals  thrown to the wind countless times my body displaced to prove that love never dies and that every exhale from their lips has brought them one step closer to a kiss in all seriousness we are all blossoming the tears she cries nurtures her her smile the sunlight which was enough for me we are all unfolded even in our tightest binds by the ones who choose to pin us to the lapels of their hearts.

[goldlikehoney-deactivated201706]

Hard to Love.

I’m sorry. I’m hard to love. A self conscious, insecure mess. Who loves too hard and gives so much. Trusts too much and at the same time not enough. Over thinker and under self lover. I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. But with this thing called love, I haven’t had enough practice. And somehow I know how to express it, Give it, Share it, Overflow my heart with it and not know where else to put it. I’m too much and still not enough. Appealing to eyes but not to souls. Curves all around but mind too much on the straight and narrow. I’m complicated, I know.

I’m so much and yet still not enough. So if you can’t stay, its okay, I know its not easy carrying my love anyway.

- goldlikehoney.

[absentpoetics]

warm enough

please let me know if I am loving you wrong I am only familiar with fire and ice "fuck you's" and "I'd die for you's" I have never experienced the in between till you God bless your soul for never holding back I keep an arsenal beneath my tongue egg shells poised beneath my feet it's how I was raised being seen and not heard gritting my teeth till my jaw is numb but you are cathedral bells and I rise to hear you I am a late bloomer yet you tend to me as if I am   the primest pick love me like you were born to but me I am just beginning to walk yet you take my hand like you have nowhere else to be

[absentpoetics]

troy

I want to be as strong as your after battle courage, every morning you suture the holes in your armor and swing your feet to the side of the bed I want to be as brave as your breaths, as the inhales you take once the sun has risen Have you ever taken a moment to bask in your own glory? It takes a hero to live, your presence here nothing short of a miracle I remember watching you blot at your lower lip,  put loose powder beneath your eyes to hide the hues is it still beautiful if it's for survival? I want to be as strong as your after battle courage, as resilient as your warpaint

[absentpoetics]

I was born to be left behind my hands too large to keep the threads from slipping through. I can't keep up with the way love expands I'm too sensitive to the parts of me it covers I've gone too long exposed Why was I always so intent on being seen always begging for someone to love me sooner than I could love myself my reflection too saturated in a grief I'd yet to face

[absentpoetics]

Made an effort to come to the park and write some stuff

[absentpoetics]

"this is the last time I let a man tell me what to do with my body" I said for the 100th time as I let him rest his tongue in spaces even I was unfamiliar with Why does no one drink cranberry juice as a symbolic homage to the blood I shed I want to be heard the roof of my mouth is an opera house I am begging, pleading but to him I am an abandoned building and it is his gift that I am still standing all I've ever heard is "this is your cross to bear you still must come to the world in tact hang up your grief dress yourself in hospitality" where is my Easter Sunday there are those of us who have risen by morning to be stripped of our belongings in the moonlight our lives to them only the flicker of a firefly

[absentpoetics]

revelation

Some mornings when I'm late for work my mother offers to make my bed the times I say yes my bed becomes my dresser drawer which becomes a closet if open long enough I come home to conversations about love letters I've written for women I loved hypothetically and poems for a girl I think I've loved my whole life she tells me its a shame I cover myself out of fear of rejection when that woman's love is both my shield and surrender I come to people unraveled some gather me tuck in my corners leave me refined for some I am a keepsake an heirloom which they are afraid to share for sake of being lost while others request me to abandon halves of myself so I will be easier to give away when necessary easier to disregard when eyes began to linger when I become too much for who they believe themselves to be so I keep myself in leaflets made to be placed in pockets and tablet sleeves I lend my immortality to those who struggle to express their dreams of running their fingers through the tangled tresses of princesses who are not afraid of sharing their title I will let them recite me at the foot of their castles I will go to battle with the dragons guarding their hearts