Official Abstergo Updates

Management thought this would be a good idea.

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You ok? You've gone dark. I miss my buddy!

-news-from-the-walls

i fell in a hole

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If an assassin could kill one person for you, who would it be?

Hatsune Miku.

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Least favorite assassin?

anyone that isn't my bestie @news-from-the-walls

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Good afternoon. My contacts have informed me that you have a new interactive picture, a video game I believe you call it, about my-I mean Basim Ibn Is'haq's life and induction into the Hidden Ones, scheduled to be released near August of this year. I am unsure how you gained access to my-I mean his, memories, but you should know that I am always willing to be contacted to answer any questions your company may have. I would prefer people know the true story and not lies spread by that villain Havi.

yeah somehow i don't think the guy with a manbun and cringe wolf shirt is a trustworthy source

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I spent too much time in victorian london and now I'm gonna unionize

have fun with the death squad, hope chatting to karl marx for 3 hours was worth it

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From 1 to 10 in Absergo standards, with 10 being "send Otso", how fucked up am If I, hypothetically, found the words "Requiescat in pace" written in my flat's walls with a weird triangle draw on the bottom?

Just curious (extremely curious)

dude you're more fucked than that ezio slut from the renaissance

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I talked to my higher ups and they said that if you just pretended we didn't exist and stopped trying to stab us, not only would we stop trying to stab you, but we'd also give you 1000 dollars a week. Deal?

-news-from-the-walls

I was never trying to stab you guys!! I work in PR!! I just write slightly scathing tumblr posts

[news-from-the-walls]

So the Roomba taped knives to itself, then?

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I would never! I value my shoelaces too much

[abstergo-updates]

I talked to my higher ups and they said that if you just pretended we didn't exist and stopped trying to stab us, not only would we stop trying to stab you, but we'd also give you 1000 dollars a week. Deal?

-news-from-the-walls

I was never trying to stab you guys!! I work in PR!! I just write slightly scathing tumblr posts

[abstergo-updates]

hey. turn your location on. the research department wants to talk

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You're just salty bc you know deep down you wanna eat an Apple of Eden but management won't allow it. :3

Have you -- and this may be a radical notion -- considered that I actually don't want to put the 75,000 year old chunk of magic metal in my body, actually?

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I thought the goddamn roomba only had one knife. Why does the have three??? I've taken to squatting on my desk with my keyboard in my lap to stay out of its range.

efficiency upgrade from security, now it can stab 3 assassins at once!

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Don't come to work tomorrow

2016 called, it wants its joke back

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Hi. I need to speak to someone. I was attempting to set up an account with the Abstergo Interface but it keeps erroring with the message "The corpse is real" Care to explain? I don't see how the website would know about the corpse I have stored in my attic and I'm unsure why it won't let me in. I tried with a different email and this time the error message was "Hey man. Assassins ain't allowed here" When I'm not an assassin? Please get this looked at.

have you tried being less cringefail

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Opinion on frogs? And how to frogs help the Templar-Assassin War in your favor?

step 1: give all the frogs guns

step 2: profit

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Candied Apples of Eden are amazing!! 200/10, everyone should try it! Just uh. Have good dental insurance, they're a bit on the crunchy side. But totally worth it!!

assuming you had to text this because you just lost all your teeth.

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"your company is being sued for manslaughter" is such a raw line, you'd think it was from shakespeare but it's actually from this legal indictment i just received