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Tiny Edible Demons: bet you can’t eat just one!

#now in five fantastic flavors #belphegor blueberry #mammon marshmallow #astaroth apple #pazuzu peach #and vanilla

Silly Guy from Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”! Why did you think you could drive a car? You’re much too high-strung for that. You should take public transit, Guy from Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”.

#oh my head #oh my car #oh my deductible #oh my pervasive sense of existential angst

Remember, children: always keep your drapes closed when you’re changing clothes ... because Tabitha the Pube Plucker could be watching.

#she sees you when you're stooping #she knows when you're undressed #she knows if you're not groomed down there #so be shaved for goodness sake

Everyone talks about the sleigh ride, the cookies, the happy children. No one talks about the less glamorous parts of the job.

#jesus blitzen #what have you been eating #no more chile con carne in the workshop cafeteria from now on

“In the event of an emergency, gather where the owls glare and await judgement.”

#seek them #our swift and silent masters #masters of the night #they write and seal our fates

It wasn’t the kiss from Judas, and knowing it had sealed his fate, that bothered Christ. It was the little tongue action at the end.

#such supple cheeks #and lovely smell #try NOT to kiss the messiah

Hey kids! Do you like science? Well, here’s an experiment. 1. Poke a pencil through a chocolate chip cookie. 2. Spin the cookie. 3. What did you learn? Who cares—eat the damn cookie, stupid!

#there are two kinds of science #edible and deadly #discovering which is which is part of the thrill #SCIENCE!!!

As the evil Lucius von Ungezogen’s severed head re-entered the atmosphere and caught fire, the last lingering thought to echo through his dying brain was, “perhaps I should have made the failsafe and detonate buttons on the Volcano Exploder DIFFERENT COLORS...”

#flaming red #hot ions provide remarkable bounce and shine #such astronomical looks #you're a shooting star

Hyperhidrosis Pals was a short-lived but critically acclaimed children’s show that put a happy, multiethnic face on the condition of excessive sweating.

#kimmy!#ralph!#domingo!#shawna!#little becky!#barks!#and chuckles the sweaty monkey!

The logical progression of the Man Bun / Hipster Beard combo

#what's on his list?#band names?#secret pickle recipes?#favorite bicycle shops?#antiquated fashions he'd like to resurrect?

The ability to squirt urine from her tear ducts wasn’t the greatest super power, but Vanessa thought she’d give the whole “fight crime” thing a go before enrolling in community college.

#whiz girl?#golden squirt?#the tinkler?#captain piss-eye?

“And now, you’ll feel a momentary surge of blinding agony, during which you will beg fruitlessly for the sweet release of death. Open wide, please...”

#i hope you wore some stain-resistant pants today #no your insurance didn't cover the anaesthetic #don't worry i've only see this go wrong once #of course that was yesterday morning

Sing! Faster! Louder, you shits, JESUS CAN’T HEAR YOU

#this is a very aggressive church #you should see them during the bake sale #last year i took a poppyseed muffin in the eye #yes that's why i wear the patch

“Number Three burned my throat a little less than Number Two ... but I still have the ammonia smell of Number One in my nose. If we agree to taste the last one, will you agree to untie our arms and legs and let us go?”

#double blind #double bind #eating this many falafel brownie bites is torture #literally

Too embarrassed to get up and leave, Melvin waited patiently for the moon bats to return with his pants.

#that chair will need steam cleaning #where is he anyway?#there's a moon but no horizon #it's like the artist made a picture using for random models

“Yes, I’d like to my a gynecological appointment for next Thursday SPIDER! AHHHH!!! (WHACK!) Sorry, are you still there? Two o’clock? That’s good, thank you.”

#multitasking #germinating and exterminating #to be fair the spider was giving her the eye #all eight of them

“Thank you for calling the Human Orifice Pest Hotline. For rectal termite colonization, press ‘1′. For ocular centipede and millipede outbreaks, press ‘2′. For nasal spider infestations, please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order we received it...”

#worst #hold #music #ever

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