The library of my head

[wheresmybubble]

What if.

My book, Quiet Girl in a Noisy World, is out now: http://debbietung.com/books

[wheresmybubble]

Wandering mind.

My book, Quiet Girl in a Noisy World, is out now: http://debbietung.com/books

[deeplifequotes]

“Forgiving yourself is as important as forgiving others. Guilt is toxic, re-living the mistake over and over. Love yourself. Forgive yourself.”

— Unknown

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“Once someone has let you go emotionally, it’s over, no matter how tightly or desperately you commit to hang on. Better to release yourself from the relationship with your dignity intact, than fight a losing battle and risk lasting damage to your heart.”

— Beau Taplin

[sunandglow]

[abundanceofyous-blog]

I’m not ok.

I’m not ok and I don’t know who to talk to.

People say depression is the illness of the western world, but that’s utter bullshit.

The other day, as I was on my way to work, a thought striked me and I realised something that’s been in front of me throughout most of my childhood but I only realised at the age of 23.

Growing up in a poor family, having to face my parents arguing 24/7, coming home to my drunk grandfather who would scare the shit out of me and my brother, my mom being constantly blamed by my dad that she couldn’t get a job, remembering my mom crying her eyes out some days. Sobbing and hearing her made that noise whilst crying where you really don’t have enough breaths to continue fighting, or crying, or just deal with anything and you just want to give up.

I realised that, no, depression isn’t something that only people from the western society have. It’s all over the world. And I only now realised why my mom wouldn’t have the strength to get out of bed some days (but she did anyway, cause that’s what you do when you have two children to take care of), or why she’d have a breakdown, or just not be excited by anything I and fear everything and everyone in this world.

See I never realised that. And it took me years of depression to actually get to the conclusion that depression doesn’t happen only in certain parts of the world. It’s everywhere, and people don’t know how to deal with it, or what to call it... where I come from, people call depressed individuals crazy.

Yes, maybe depression is craziness in a certain way. The craziness of having to constantly be strong enough to fight with whatever life throws at you.

And I am heartbroken now because I wish I was there to help my mom through her craziness. Knowing how much it hurts me now, I imagine how much it hurt her and I wish... I wish I could’ve done things differently and taken her pain away... or shared her pain...

Depression is real people. And often you don’t realise when someone is depressed. You realise that a tad too late... so be more observant... take care of the people around you. Don’t be nasty even if you have a reason to be. You don’t know who is going through the hardest part of their life because very few people know how to actually talk about it.

Help each other and don’t take the whole concept of depression lightheartedly.

It’s a real thing.

And I have experienced it.

And So has most of the population of our fucked up world.

[abundanceofyous-blog]

Вчера минахме покрай мястото, на първата ни среща.

Заболя, но и ми вдъхна онова чувство на познатост, на топлота. За секунда изпитах всичко онова, което изпитах в онзи момент, докато те очаквах, а не знаех накъде ще повее вятъра след това.

Определено не очаквах, че вечерта ни ще се развие по начинът, по който се разви.

Та... минахме покрай това място... и единственото нещо, което се чудех, беше дали ти изпита същото, което аз? Дали за една част от секундата ти липсваше? Накара ли те почувстваш нещо по-различно от безразличие?

На моменти ми се иска да се върна. За да мога да избегна момента, в който те чаках... да не бях се съгласила въобще... а в същото време искам да го изпитам отново... защото никога нямаше да изпитам най-силната обич... преди да се превърне в това, което е сега.

[abundanceofyous-blog]

Не знам кога за последно бях честна със семейството си. Или със себе си in general.

Ставам всеки ден, всичко става по-тежко и по-тежко. Но аз нямам време да разтоваря.

What the fuck does that even mean?

Turn a new page; start afresh... well why don’t you go fuck yourself?

Сякаш мога да се събудя една сутрин и да нямам товара на цялото си детство, на шибаните ми experiences, на тъпата депресия, която, честно казано, е до такава степен смесена с кръвта ми, че вече не си спомням какво означава да си окей.

Не добре, а просто окей.

Кога изгубих себе си?

Or have I always been like that and I’m noticing it just now?

[abundanceofyous-blog]

Ядосана съм. Ядосана съм, защото всеки ден ти давам по малко от себе си, а сякаш никога не е достатъчно.

Чувствам се сякаш съм stuck-нала в един кръговрат, който няма стоп бутон.

Събуждам се... и ти давам малко от себе си.

Поглеждам се в огледалото... и виждам колко много съм ти дала...

Слушам песента, която ме спасява от света, който е меко казано пълен с shit & disappointment... показвам ти я... и с нея една малка част си отива.

И ти даваш всичко, което аз ти давам, на някого другиго.

И това мразя в теб.

Мразя, че превръщаш всяка моя частичка intimacy в една twisted whore. Всеки ме опитва чрез теб.

Ти взимаш и раздаваш.

И аз оставам с нищо.

Всеки ме притежава.

А аз...

Аз притежавам лудост.

Лудост, която намирам във всяка моя мисъл.

Лудост, която мога да оближа from the tip of my fingers.

Ти си evil. Without actually realising it, you’re ruining my life, in order to satisfy someone else.

Someone who’s not me.

Който никога няма да е мен.

...не мога да те спра, затова взимай, докато можеш.

Докато

Не

Остане

Нищо

.

[abundanceofyous-blog]

To the man that loved me most...

I hope you are well and respected. I hope you are finally happy and have found yourself. Wherever you are, I wish you nothing but pure happiness.

You deserve it better than anyone.

[thegoodvybe]

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“Don’t believe every worried thought you have. Worried thoughts are notoriously inaccurate.”

—

[abundanceofyous-blog]

The hardest thing is learning how to love yourself again.

Learning how accept the fact that after such a painful amount of time your body won’t be the same as before. Your hair won’t be as shiny, your skin won’t be as clean, your smile won’t be the same. The dark circles covering your tired from crying eyes would be darker than ever. 

Learning how to gain confidence won’t be easy. You would avoid looking yourself in the mirror for a long time. But I will tell you why you shouldn’t avoid it. Look in your eyes. Look as deeply as you can into your eyes and think of every single happy moment you have ever been through. Your eyes never changed. Your eyes are the path that leads to your soul and yes, it is currently darkened by every bit of pain you have felt in the past years, but that is ok. Feeling pain is what makes you you. 

And don’t think of who caused you that pain. Imagine as if the pain is something that you keep pushing every single day. And some days the pain would feel heavier than others, because you would be tired, sad, anxious... But there will come the good days where the pain will be lighter. This is when you push as hard as you can, because at some point you reach the edge of the cliff and the the final push will be worth it. Trust me, it will. 

So if sometimes fighting with the pain feels too hard for you, always remember that there is a beginning, but also an end to everything. And one day, you won’t have to wake up withe fear. One day you will wake up feeling light because what you feel right now would have disappeared one way or another. 

You will realise that it was all worth it. 

I promise you.

It will be ok. 

Just push. 

Again.

And again. 

And if it gets too much, do not forget that I am pushing too. 

And our day will come. 

[abundanceofyous-blog]

2nd June 2018

So, I am trying this ‘new thing’ where I am trying to put my emotions into words. 

I find it rather dumb, as I do not feel like I could ever describe what I feel inside. 

The best way I can describe it in is... I want to scream. Scream from the top of my lungs until I cannot scream anymore. Until every single drop of anger, despair, sadness, hate, annoyance and frustration is gone. 

But that, of course, is impossible. 

I do not know what to do anymore. 

Everything and everyone is just too much for me. 

Where am I? 

Seriously. Where the fuck am I? 

What happened? 

Why am I this angry and sad? 

Can someone help me? 

Can someone please tell me how to deal with this crushing feeling inside me? 

I feel too lost and I am so fed up of self-pitying myself. 

But at the end of the day, this is the only thing I have left. 

[abundanceofyous-blog]

I tried to be socialble today.

I met up with people who always have that postive vibe coming from them.

And it was fun.

But I don’t seem to tolerate fun that well nowadays.

I’m back home where the lies abuse me.

Where they break my bones and take a little bit of my heart every single second of every day.

I wish I knew how long I could go for.

I wish I could just scream at you for lying to me and for hiding from me.

It’s causing me pain and you need to stop, because I can’t stop questioning myself.

Please, just be honest. I can handle the truth. I’ve handled so much so far. I can handle anything.

Until I can’t...

[abundanceofyous-blog]

I promised myself so many things this year yet it’s June 1st and I haven’t completed one of them. 6 months into 2018 and it still feels like the years before. I’m just getting older.

You think that one day you will wake up and everything would feel normal. But what is considered normal in 2018?

From what I’ve seen, everyone seems to have their own battles that just never end. There’s no peace. No peace of mind.

When do you stop having battles with the world and with yourself? I’m battling with so many things and I keep giving up at the same time.

I feel like if I ever give up all at once, I am going to disappoint and hurt everyone around me, but no one sees and understand how freaking hard it is to wake up every day and feel alone. Not lonely. Alone.

I call up my mom - just because I made the stupid decision to move a thousand miles away - just because I wasn’t feeling ‘home’ where I come from. But what is home? Cause I certainly found it once and then lost it straight after. Stupid me found ‘home’ in a person. Not a place.

I don’t feel myself. I don’t know who or what I am anymore.

I have no desires.

I just have basic needs I keep fulfilling for myself, so I can keep pushing whatever I am pushing everyday. I don’t know what I’m pushing for.

I wish I could get rid of that black slug that’s just stuck in my chest and continue with my life. Accept myself. Be strong or whatever people call it.

A part of me feels like screaming yet I’m silent. Too silent for anyone to notice.

Everything is a bit too much. It’s been too much for far too long and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Crying out for help does nothing... but how do you cry out for help when you don’t even know what type of help you need.

I just wish it would stop.

[poetry-for-sleepless-nights-dea]

“make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

— Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild (via coral)