If you’re proud of me, that means I must be doing something wrong
i don't do bad sauce passes
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Misplaced Lens Cap
occasionally subtle
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
One Nice Bug Per Day
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Monterey Bay Aquarium
cherry valley forever

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YOU ARE THE REASON
Jules of Nature
Peter Solarz

ellievsbear
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DEAR READER
trying on a metaphor
ojovivo

Kaledo Art

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@abusedandromeda
If you’re proud of me, that means I must be doing something wrong
When they complain that you’re selfish, say “good”.
When they say you’re ungrateful, tell them “do more.”
When they say you’re dramatic, say “this is only level 1.”
When they say you’re a bitch, correct them and say “it’s mr/ms/mx bitch to you”
When they complain that you’re different, realize that they never wanted to know you, they wanted to create an image.
Had another old memory triggered where I was about 9 or 10 years old and my egg donor and I were going clothes shopping (clothes shopping was always stressful because she’d always criticize my body). I was commenting on the fact that the pants we were finding were too long for me and, in a totally “respectful” manner, she yells at me-for literally the entire old navy store to hear-that it was because I was too fat for the smaller clothes. Like she could’ve just said “it’s the only sizes we could find” or “we can just hem the pants”. Nope. Had to literally yell at her 10 years old daughter that she was fat.
Even now, I still struggle with finding pants that fit okay because I’m about 5 feet nothing and have a large gut but that’s okay. It’s literally not the end of the world. Like that’s why hemming exists. These memories still hurt but I’m getting to a point of acceptance. What happened has happened and now I’m here, safe and surrounded by folks who can help me and accept me for who I am.
I have been gone for a while, but happy mother’s day to the mom who accepted every part of me. She was always there during the worst parts so she can see the best parts of me
Why is it so common to find someone with toxic parents
Like, super protective parents, negligent parents, manipulative parents, etc
Wdym I am lucky for my parents treating me like their child and not like an object
(this is NOT meant to be offensive, I've just been thinking a lot about it lately)
It’s kinda like the same thing as “everyone has autism all of a sudden” or “everyone is trans all of a sudden”: It’s not that it’s becoming more common or a trend, it’s just that we know live in a world where people are comfortable enough to talk about their experiences without being shut down or ridiculed, therefore more people are being more open with their experiences just in general
Toxic parents be like:
"Not letting me disrespect you is very disrespectful!"
"When I said to tell me the truth, I meant to tell me exactly what I wanted to hear!"
"I'm not asking you to be perfect, I'm just asking for you to never make any mistakes ever!"
"It's your choice; I'm guilt-tripping the crap out of you and making it very obvious what I want you to do, but you technically have a choice"
“What’s that? I did something that hurt you? How DARE you make me out to be the bad guy; now apologize to ME for having hurt feelings!”
Y’all ever had y’all’s parents hit y’all with the “you’ll miss me when I’m gone” but y’all are so far removed from them that you’re lowkey like “I hope you’re gone sooner”💀
Y’all ever feel like trusting abusers is like putting your hands on a stove? Normal people don’t do it again but victims be like “nah it’ll be different this time” with a completely numb hand. I be feeling so stupid sometimes🤦🏾
Realizing your parents don't respect you is not for the faint of heart. Fully digesting the meal in front of you, a narcissistic mom and emotionally absent father, leaves you with stomach pains. You'll spend countless nights in your bed wondering what you did wrong, when it changed, if they ever loved you at all.
They have to love you, you're their child, but as a person, do they truly like you?
They don't show it in words. Commenting on your weight, belittling your fears, mocking your secrets. They don't show it in actions. Invading your space, breaking your things, forgetting you exist. They don't remember the things you like, what flavor is your favorite or what colors you refuse to wear. Instead they buy you vanilla flavored treats and an orange jumper hoping to make up for the words they spewed in anger.
Your mom will force you into hugs that feel suffocating hoping to bandage the bullet wound she left to get infected when you were a child. She'll buy you all the useless items you never wanted filling the gap in your relationship with rampant over consumerism. She'll tell you she loves you daily but wait expectantly for you to return the sentiment that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. She'll break down crying and apologizing for what she did, the mess she made, only to repeat the cycle again tomorrow.
Your dad will stand off to the side and watch it happen. He'll encourage you to patch a relationship you dismissed years ago. He'll spoon feed you sentiments of how hard life is as if you're not living it. He'll snap and yell only to apologize and insist he loves you, you know that right? Though now, the apologies are few and far between. You'll have to bite your tongue as you watch the conflict behind his eyes. You know he's just as trapped as you are but you can't feel sorry for him anymore.
You'll mourn the loss of your mother as she serves you dinner and despise what your father has become as he picks at his food. None of you eat. A bite or two followed by a rushed excuse to leave is the normal, that's if you don't eat in your room.
You'll search for them in the crowd, hoping they took your invitation, but you're disappointed again. You eventually stop inviting them, the pain of their absence too much. They'll find out and ask you why you're ashamed of them, why you don't want them around for your accomplishments, and you'll shrug absent of emotion. You learned not to show emotion years ago.
You'll go to your friends houses and watch as their parents dote over them and they complain, the longing look in your eyes doesn't go unnoticed. You'll spend the night and pretend you belong, you take advantage of the kindness you seldom feel knowing that once morning comes its back to your parents. You'll relish in the radiating warmth and baby photos of a family you wish you had lining the walls. You'll wonder if you deserve the kindness and warmth, even if for just a moment.
This, of course, doesn't come without guilt. Every action has a reaction and as much as you can defend your side with logic you still feel bad for taking it. It isn't in one's nature to defy their parents, yet you do it with so much confidence you wonder if you're really a good person. After all they gave you a home, food and water, they paid for you to do sports in school and bought you all the newest technologies. But the shelter and food didn't come without a reminder of its source, and how easily it could be taken away. You never really liked sports either and the countless phones and laptops were just to steal your attention so they didn't have to give it to you.
You gave up the idea of a warm home and loving parents years ago. Left with a hole in your heart you fill with partners who act just like them. You're stuck in the riptide being thrown around and flipping in every direction until you don't know which way is up. You try desperately to break this curse you're under but old habits die hard and you're stubborn.
You know how to break the curse, by giving yourself the love you seek. Affirming the child in yourself that there's still time and work to be done. But you're so tired and not even sure you're capable of love much less deserving.
So you swallow the bite you're chewing and will the bile back down your throat. You ignore the tears stinging your eyes and the hammering in your chest. You ignore the pulling feeling leading you out in favor of laying back down in bed. You ignore the persistent ache in your heart. You sit with the stomach ache from your meal knowing deep down you have to feel it, there's no way around it. You sit and you hope that one day you can swallow something softer, something kinder, that fills your heart with warmth instead of wanting.
“Every part of your identity is just a phase!”
Hey y’all, I’m back with another hopefully relatable post! My PTSD recently has been pretty had after the new years to the point where I barely had time to breathe but things are calming down a bit and I’m hoping to fight my depression some more by writing again! I’ve been thinking recently about how there’s been a bit of a rise in estrangement. Although it’s been very few, some abusers think that their victims will come back because it’s “trendy” to cut off toxic people, and that maybe my biological parents could be in the same boat. Does it bother me? I’ll get to that near the end of it, but this is probably mostly be about mistakes that almost all parents make with their children, and not just abusive parents.
A lot of parents never earned their children's trust. They just felt entitled to it.
If you do things to your children that would easily be considered abuse if they did the same thing, you can't expect them to trust you as a source of knowledge about right and wrong.
If you regularly dismiss their struggles, you can't expect them to trust your advice.
Parent: (abuses child)
Parent: "I do this because I love you."
Child: "Then I don't want you to love me."
My dad,
Criticizes what I do
Criticizes what I wear
criticizes what I watch
criticizes what I listen to
criticizes what I think
criticizes how I worship
criticizes what I eat
criticizes how I exercise
criticizes where I live
criticizes my hobbies
criticizes how I act
criticizes my body
criticizes my health
criticizes who I live with
...,..
And then wonders why I don't want to spend time with him, go fucking figure 🤦
Growing up I was not allowed to learn how to cook. My father considered it to be “women’s work” and I needed to spend nearly every free moment catering to his whims and performing manual labor for him because I was a “machine,” is how he referred to me. On the other hand my mother refused to let me learn because in her eyes I was stupid, careless, and not capable enough to learn.
Fast forward to today, I am cooking Christmas Dinner for my partner’s family. I feel so incredibly grateful to be here and be alive today. You can persevere and overcome incredible adversity, you are limitless. Healing is possible.
Speaking of my current mom
I know I’ve been gone for a bit, but I’ve been pretty busy recently so before I get more busy, I’ve decided to write about a memory that’s been popping up tonight. Recently, my PTSD has been pretty chronically bad lately (not really ramping up, but I’ve been having flashbacks daily) and with my depression combined, it’s been hard to write but I’m feeling a bit better today for reasons I’ll go over later in this post, but this post will have something more positive at the end, but trigger warning for temporary abandonment at the beginning. Anyway, let’s get into it!
I never really talk about my bio father, but…he was a confusing man to say the least🤦🏾. Like idk, wouldn’t you be fucking unhappy to be threatened to get the shit kicked out of them?
If you think about it, parents talking about how they gave you food, shelter and clothes and they should be thanked for it is like asking to be thanked for not jaywalking or murdering someone throughout your entire life cuz isn’t it against the law to like withhold that from your child?💀