Realizing your parents don't respect you is not for the faint of heart. Fully digesting the meal in front of you, a narcissistic mom and emotionally absent father, leaves you with stomach pains. You'll spend countless nights in your bed wondering what you did wrong, when it changed, if they ever loved you at all.
They have to love you, you're their child, but as a person, do they truly like you?
They don't show it in words. Commenting on your weight, belittling your fears, mocking your secrets. They don't show it in actions. Invading your space, breaking your things, forgetting you exist. They don't remember the things you like, what flavor is your favorite or what colors you refuse to wear. Instead they buy you vanilla flavored treats and an orange jumper hoping to make up for the words they spewed in anger.
Your mom will force you into hugs that feel suffocating hoping to bandage the bullet wound she left to get infected when you were a child. She'll buy you all the useless items you never wanted filling the gap in your relationship with rampant over consumerism. She'll tell you she loves you daily but wait expectantly for you to return the sentiment that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. She'll break down crying and apologizing for what she did, the mess she made, only to repeat the cycle again tomorrow.
Your dad will stand off to the side and watch it happen. He'll encourage you to patch a relationship you dismissed years ago. He'll spoon feed you sentiments of how hard life is as if you're not living it. He'll snap and yell only to apologize and insist he loves you, you know that right? Though now, the apologies are few and far between. You'll have to bite your tongue as you watch the conflict behind his eyes. You know he's just as trapped as you are but you can't feel sorry for him anymore.
You'll mourn the loss of your mother as she serves you dinner and despise what your father has become as he picks at his food. None of you eat. A bite or two followed by a rushed excuse to leave is the normal, that's if you don't eat in your room.
You'll search for them in the crowd, hoping they took your invitation, but you're disappointed again. You eventually stop inviting them, the pain of their absence too much. They'll find out and ask you why you're ashamed of them, why you don't want them around for your accomplishments, and you'll shrug absent of emotion. You learned not to show emotion years ago.
You'll go to your friends houses and watch as their parents dote over them and they complain, the longing look in your eyes doesn't go unnoticed. You'll spend the night and pretend you belong, you take advantage of the kindness you seldom feel knowing that once morning comes its back to your parents. You'll relish in the radiating warmth and baby photos of a family you wish you had lining the walls. You'll wonder if you deserve the kindness and warmth, even if for just a moment.
This, of course, doesn't come without guilt. Every action has a reaction and as much as you can defend your side with logic you still feel bad for taking it. It isn't in one's nature to defy their parents, yet you do it with so much confidence you wonder if you're really a good person. After all they gave you a home, food and water, they paid for you to do sports in school and bought you all the newest technologies. But the shelter and food didn't come without a reminder of its source, and how easily it could be taken away. You never really liked sports either and the countless phones and laptops were just to steal your attention so they didn't have to give it to you.
You gave up the idea of a warm home and loving parents years ago. Left with a hole in your heart you fill with partners who act just like them. You're stuck in the riptide being thrown around and flipping in every direction until you don't know which way is up. You try desperately to break this curse you're under but old habits die hard and you're stubborn.
You know how to break the curse, by giving yourself the love you seek. Affirming the child in yourself that there's still time and work to be done. But you're so tired and not even sure you're capable of love much less deserving.
So you swallow the bite you're chewing and will the bile back down your throat. You ignore the tears stinging your eyes and the hammering in your chest. You ignore the pulling feeling leading you out in favor of laying back down in bed. You ignore the persistent ache in your heart. You sit with the stomach ache from your meal knowing deep down you have to feel it, there's no way around it. You sit and you hope that one day you can swallow something softer, something kinder, that fills your heart with warmth instead of wanting.
