This is a safe place for anyone who has dealt with abuse in any form. We accept submissions and any questions you may have regarding abuse. We love you. Stay Strong.
Unfortunately, Emm and I had a falling out a few months back. We are no longer on speaking terms, so it doesnāt feel right for me to answer questions here any longer. The blog will stay up and the inbox open, but it will be inactive. I may make a new blog like this one, but have no solid plans for that now. I canāt speak to Emmās intent with this or any other blogs.
Iām sorry to everyone who sent in things that went unanswered. I hope you were able to find the advice and support you needed elsewhere.Ā
I've been in this situation for months now where I'm questioning if my partner is emotionally abusive. If I think about it for too long I get embarrassed and stop myself--telling me that I'm overreacting and that either if he loved me that he wouldn't do it (therefore he doesn't) or that I must have pissed him off--therefore I had it coming. Even right now I'm feeling guilty sending this in for thinking he could hurt me in any way..y'know what I mean?
Some abusers love their victims. Abuse is not simply the absence of love. Your partner could love you and still be abusive toward you.
Also, abuse is never something that is deserved. A person canāt cause their own abuse. Even if he only abuses you when heās angry with you... thatās still not okay.
Thereās nothing wrong with questioning if your partner is being abusive. You donāt have to feel guilty about that. People who arenāt being abused seldom wonder if they are, so I would encourage you to listen to these feelings.Ā
If you feel like you are being abused, itās okay to leave or get help. Itās okay to trust yourself, even if you arenāt totally sure. Even if you come to the conclusion that you donāt think itās abuse, or just canāt tell, itās still okay to leave if you want to. You donāt owe anyone a relationship, and feeling safe is more important than protecting his feelings.Ā
i have no memories of sexual abuse but all the symptoms of an adult survivor and i know that i distinctly remember in elementary school having no hymen does this sound suspect to you because im freaking out a little
Ultimately, you have to be the one to decide what your feelings mean. But I can tell you that many victims/survivors of sexual abuse are missing some or all of their memories, especially those who were abused as children. So the fact that you donāt have any memories doesnāt necessarily mean that nothing could have happened.
If you are having these feelings, then I would suspect that maybe something happened. But itās up to you to explore those feelings further. You have mentioned you fit the symptoms that usually show up in adults, and thatās a good place to start, though I should point out that those symptoms can originate from other places, like some mental illnesses. I would also consider looking into the symptoms in children and seeing if you recall matching any of those. If you feel safe doing so, you could also talk to someone older who knew you well as a child and see if they remember seeing any of those behaviors in you.
One thing that helped me a lot when I first started to acknowledge my own sexual abuse was to join online communities for victims/survivors. Reading other peopleās experiences really helped to show me that my feelings were completely normal, and that countless others had been where I was.Ā
I feel like I'm not allowed to hate my emotionally abusive parents because they buy me nice things. I feel like if I speak up about their abuse people will think I'm lying or call me ungrateful. Like is it bad to hate someone who buys you games and stuff? I don't want to seem ungrateful or like a bad person sorry if this is bothersome
A lot of abusers are generous with physical gifts, sometimes to make up for the abuse, or to convince others they are not abusive or even to mess with their victimās mind. Sometimes there is no ulterior motive, but that doesnāt mean they arenāt capable of being abusive.
Few abusers are consistent in their behavior. That in itself can play a huge role in the abuse and the victimās reaction to it. Victims may doubt their ability to judge a person or situation, be immediately suspicious of someone who seemsĀ ātoo nice,ā or feel confused about their abuser and their experiences.Ā
Unfortunately, a lot of people do have false notions about whatĀ āreal abuseā looks like. And that means that other people donāt always react in supportive ways. It is possible that people in your life will accuse you of lying or being ungrateful. But I can tell you that those people are wrong, and you donāt have to listen to them.
Itās not bad to hate someone who hurts you, even if they buy gifts for you. It doesnāt mean your abuse isnāt real or as serious as someone elseās. And you donāt have to be grateful that they are doing that. You donāt owe anything to people who abuse you. Being angry with them, distancing yourself from them, talking about your abuse... none of those things make you a bad person. And nobody who comes to us is a bother. This is what weāre here for. Itās okay.
Is it normal if I'm envious when my boyfriend tells me about his parents or anything family related? I love them but sometimes I can't help but feel sad
Thatās totally normal. I think thatās something a lot of abuse victims/survivors struggle with.Ā
Is it wrong to forgive and actually love my formerly abusive stepmom? She hurt me and was physically and verbally abusive but then she just stopped all of a sudden. I know I didn't deserve it and I know that my mental illness stems from what happened but I just can't feel angry. Am I a bad survivor?
No, youāre not a bad survivor. Some people love their abusers, some people hate them, and some are somewhere in the middle. None of those people are wrong.Ā
If it feels like you canāt feel angry, there may be something more to your feelings that you just canāt access yet. So I would encourage you to examine why that might be, and allow yourself room to have emotions that may seem bad or overwhelming.Ā
But if you just donāt want to be angry at her, and you genuinely want to forgive her, thatās fine. If you find that youāre angry with her in the future and donāt want to forgive her, thatās okay too. Itās completely up to you. And neither is inherently right or wrong.
Is it bad to secretly think of your younger sibling as a "little brat" since they get away with things your parents would have belted you for? I know they aren't a bad kid and I would never EVER fault them for our separate treatment or do anything to lash out but I can't help but feel envious of them for that
I think itās okay to feel envious. Abuse isnāt fair, and sometimes itās hard to not feel some resentment or other negative feelings toward people that didnāt live through what you did.Ā I would be careful with thinking about them as a brat, though, and try to see if maybe your feelings affect the way you interact with them. Itās okay to have thoughts that arenāt nice sometimes, but we should always work to see how those thoughts are affecting us otherwise.
Is it normal to deny your abuse. Like, thinking if you pretend it never happened, you'll be able to move on with your life?
Absolutely. Itās incredibly common to do this. I donāt have any proper statistics about it, but based on my experiences talking to abuse victims/survivors, Iād say the vast majority do this to some extent or other.
is it abuse if i was a 14-15 y/o online dating a 20-21 y/o man who had me send nudes to him a lot then after a while abandoned me for his ex without a formal break up (his friends were my friends too and they stopped talking to me bc they blamed me for the entire thing)
An adult has absolutely no businessĀ ādatingā a minor six years their junior. Regardless of how things turned out, this was an abusive situation from the very beginning. Asking for nude photos from you was wrong, and in many places, illegal. I would consider this sexual abuse or child sexual abuse, but itās your decision to put a name on it.
Hey everyone, AbusedKidProblems is looking for a new mod!
We are looking for someone who is:
18+
An abuse survivor/victim
Willing to dedicate time and effort to look at and answer potentially triggering asksĀ
Willing to work with the other mods to create new resources for our followers
Is not racist, sexist, classist or ableist and is open and accepting toward people of all genders and sexualities
If youāre interested and meet the above criteria, please fill out the following application and send it to us via submission.
What is your name? (a nickname is okay)
What is your age?
What are your pronouns?
Why do you want to be a mod for AKP?
What topics do you feel most comfortable addressing? Why?
Are there topics you are unwilling to discuss? Why? (No need to go into detail, simply letting us know that something is triggering to you is good enough.)
How much time will you be able to dedicate to AKP on average?Ā
Is there anything you feel youāve really disagreed with the current mods over? What and why?
Do you belong to any marginalized groups? If you are comfortable sharing, what are they?
Are you a mod on any other blogs? If so, which one/s?
Please also tell us a bit about yourself (you donāt have to write us an essay, just give us an idea of who are and what you like to do) and answer the following questions as you would if we added you to our team. (If one of these questions is too triggering for you, just let us know and skip that question.)
My mom has hit me a few times in the past and uses really severe punishments like locking me out of the house and not feeding me dinner over little things like missing curfew by a few minutes or not finishing my homework in time. But I know sheās just trying really hard to raise me to be a good person. Iāve talked to a couple friends about it and some of them think itās abuse, but some just think sheās being strict and I shouldnāt hold it against her. I feel like, if I just did the things I should, she wouldnāt act like this and everything would be fine. What do you think? Is it abuse?
Iām a nonbinary lesbian and I came out to my parents almost a year ago. They havenāt threatened to kick me out or hit me or anything. But my mom keeps trying to make me go to church with her and talk to our pastor about it (they both think itās a sin), and my dad gets really angry and goes really quiet or leaves the room when it comes up. Neither of them will use my pronouns, and they told me Iām not allowed to date a girl. Some of my friends have said I just need to give them time to come around, and that I canāt blame them for their beliefs. But I feel like theyāve had time to get used to it, and Iām sick of feeling like I did something wrong. Is this abuse? Is it okay to be mad at them?
I think I was sexually abused when I was little, but Iām not sure. I show a lot of signs of having been abused, and anything sexual scares me. I was babysat a lot by a friend of the family, and Iām really uncomfortable around him now. I donāt remember anything happening, but I also donāt remember much of anything about him from when I was younger, and it feels like somethingās missing. Do you think I could have repressed memories? Can I get them back? How do I deal with these feelings?
I still love my dad, even after everything happened. Is that okay? It feels wrong to love him, and I hate myself for it and wish I could stop. What do I do?
My mom is really controlling and abusive, and sheās always yelling at me and trying to make sure Iām perfect. Iāve read a lot about narcissistic mothers and I think my mom might have NPD? How can I make her get help so she stops treating me like this?
My step dad has been beating me and my mom wonāt do anything about it. Itās gotten really bad and sometimes Iām afraid he might kill me. I donāt know how much more I can take of this. I feel like thereās no way out except to kill myself, and I canāt stop thinking about it. Is there anything I can do?
We are extremely dedicated to making sure that AKP stays a safe and accepting place, so weāre likely going to spend a lot of time pouring over applications and will eventually offer a sort of trial mod position, to make sure we get someone that is a good fit. We will contact people to let them know we received their application, and then we ask that applicants remain patient and wait to hear from us again before contacting us about the position.Ā
Hey I have a question regarding abuse. I know my mother is abusive to me, but there's one thing that I don't know what to characterize as. My mother left my dad, brother, and I when I was 12. Long story short, she was cheating on my dad. I found out not by my dad telling me, but me seeing her have sex with the other man. The thing is, she never stopped doing sexual acts in front of me and my brother. I want to know if this is a form of sexual abuse or emotional abuse or both.
That can definitely be classified as both, though itās really up to you what you want to call it.
Do you have any resources on how to live with a formerly abusive relative? I can't leave my parents' house and she WON'T, and I find it really hard to be civil (I abruptly cuss them out sometimes). They don't even care about what they did to me...
We have some tips here:Ā Tips for coping while living in an abusive homeAnd here is aĀ Self Care masterpost
Overall I think the best practice is to keep yourself busy or isolated if possible.
I have intense body memories of sexual abuse but no memories other than comparably mild stuff. Could it be real, or am I just making it up? How do I even begin to deal with it? I'm scared
I canāt tell you for sure if it happened or not. But it certainly could have, and just because you donāt have regular memories about it doesnāt mean youāre making it up.
It is exceptionally common for people to block out parts or all of their sexual abuse, especially if it happened when they were young. I donāt have many memories of my abuse, and most of the victims/survivors I have talked to are missing at least some of their memories.
When it comes to this, itās okay to listen to what your gut tells you. If you feel it happened, then thatās enough. People who werenāt abused very seldom wonder if they were. And having these fears and body memories definitely suggests to me that something may have happened.
Itās okay to be scared. I was, too. And though itās really difficult when you start confronting these feelings, I can promise it gets easier with time.
Some things that may be helpful would be to read about the signs of sexual abuse in children, and what those signs look like when the person is older. These may help you sort out what you believe happened, and may show you things you might not be coping with well. We have gotten a lot of questions just like this, with people feeling the same way you do, and weāve talked about some ideas for coping here.
You are always welcome to write back if you need help or have questions. <3
is it abusive/neglect to deny your (autistic) child education by bypassing the education system? even when i've asked to enter some sort of schooling they still say no bc im too stupid to handle anything except the basics apparently (yet still expect me to know things even though i havent been educated properly since i was 11) (sorry this got venty but this is a legit question)
Yes, to deny a child an education is neglect. (Though things like tutoring and homeschooling do count, and Iām not sure if you just mean you wish to go to a form of public school.)Ā Calling you stupid and making you feel bad about not performing well in certain areas is abusive on its own, and you donāt deserve that.Ā
Is it considered abuse if my mom always accuses me of lying? Even if I have no reason to lie, and try to prove it/reason with her she still accuses me of lying. I've told her I don't like it and asked her to stop and she blamed me. Sorry if this is repetitive.
I definitely think it can be. If she has no real reasons to suspect youāre lying, and does it anyway to control you, make you feel bad or anything else of that nature, then yes.
