It's Just A Spark

[abynrml]

**Yo-Yo**

You hold the string,

and I become the toy—

spun out with a smile,

pulled back with silence.

One day we're "just friends,"

the next your lips find mine,

your photos whisper things

your words refuse to say.

You pull me close

until I can almost believe

there's something real

waiting at the end of the string.

Then I ask for something simple—

coffee, a hang,

a chance to see you

without the smoke and mirrors.

You step away.

You say you don't want

to fall into "the cycle,"

but I'm already trapped inside it,

spinning because you keep

flicking your wrist.

I'm tired of mistaking momentum

for meaning.

A yo-yo was never meant

to choose where it goes.

It only knows the pull

of someone else's hand.

But maybe love—

or friendship,

or whatever this -is—

shouldn't feel like gravity

controlled by someone else.

So if I ever let go of the string,

don't mistake it for giving up.

It's the first time

I've stopped spinning long enough

to remember

I was never a toy.

[abynrml]

In a fit of vulnerability she asks

“Can you really love me?”

I have walked mountains to be here

written story after story till my hands

bled of insecurity and heartbreak

I have bed the demons of my soul

and I have stripped myself of every

prideful misstep before now

I have broken all that I am and all that

I was just so that I could love you

And I do - I love you

[abynrml]

Two thousand miles feels like it should be ejough-

Enough to thin you out of me,

To make your voice forgetthe shape of my name.

So o sit at a bar where no one knows me,

Where the lights are low

And the music doesmt belong to us

A stranger buyss me a drink-

Puts it on the counter

Like a smallnkindness

I don’t know how to hold.

I thank them, I smile.

Inpretend I am someone

Who can be here fully.

But the glass is a trap

Every sip carries you-

The burn ofnit,

The sweetness after

The way it settles heavy in my chest.

I try to swallownitndown,

To let it just be alcohol,

Just a moment,

Just distance doing its job.

But you fucking bloom anyway-

In the amber, in the ice,

In the way my throat tightens

Like I’ve said your nameagain

When I promised I wouldnt.

Itnlives in the quiet now,

In the way my hands still reach

For a body that isn’t mine to touch,

In the way eyes betray me-

Searching for yours

Even when I swear I won’t look.

Two thousand miles

And still

I am drowning I. Something

I cannot put down.

[abynrml]

Cold turkey

I quit you like a bad habit

cold turkey, hands shaking,

pretending I was stronger than the craving

of your name on my tongue.

There was no easing out of it,

no gentle tapering of touch—

just the sudden absence

of your skin beneath my fingertips,

like waking up without a pulse

and calling it survival.

I have to stop touching you.

That’s the rule I repeat

like a prayer I don’t believe in.

Because even the ghost of your hand

against my shoulder

is enough to undo me.

And your eyes—

God, your eyes—

I can’t look into them anymore.

Not when mine still burn

with everything I’m trying to bury.

There’s a fire behind them, behind mine,

and if they meet,

we both know it won’t go out.

We were all hope and hunger,

all almost and not yet—

a future that felt so close

I could taste it in your breath.

Desire wrapped in possibility,

the kind that makes you believe

in things that never get to exist.

So I turned away.

Not because the fire died—

but because it didn’t.

And now I sit with the ache of it,

this quiet withdrawal,

this empty-handed grief

of wanting something

I chose to lose.

My body doesn’t know how to quit you.

My heart never will.

[abynrml]

Her mouth is my favorite place—

not in a dramatic, movie-scene way,

but in the quiet, tiny moments

where the world softens just enough

for us to exist in our own little bubble.

I miss our small kisses,

the barely-there ones,

where time stands still

followed by endless giggling.

And somehow—

in a world that’s loud and strange

and a little too much sometimes—

she makes everything feel… manageable.

Like chaos can sit down for a minute,

have a smoke,

and stop yelling so much.

She turns ordinary seconds

into something warm and bright,

like finding sunlight

in the middle of a messy day.

And I don’t know how she does it,

but she does—

with her smile,

her laugh,

and yes…

her very, very kissable mouth.

[abynrml]

Cancer

I loved you the way a storm loves a shoreline—

never meaning to erode,

only to stay.

You told me you couldn’t give me what I needed,

and I nodded like I understood,

but my chest cracked anyway.

Because you tried.

God, we tried.

Now I replay myself like a diagnosis—

every touch a symptom,

every need another cell multiplying.

I didn’t mean to take so much space inside you.

I didn’t know love could feel

so invasive.

You were already wounded,

and I leaned into you like a cure,

not realizing I was pressure on a bruise,

weight on a bone that never healed right.

I watch you walk away lighter,

and I carry the heaviness for both of us.

I tell myself I was the sickness,

because it hurts less than believing

we were just two broken things

that couldn’t stop bleeding on each other.

If love is supposed to save,

then why does it sometimes leave scars

that look like survival?

I didn’t want to ruin you.

I just wanted to be held

without feeling like I was killing the thing

I loved most.

[abynrml]

lol what

lol what

[abynrml]

Two years and the calendar still lies,

pretending time is something that heals.

I carry your name like a bruise

that never quite fades to yellow.

There are days I forget to blame myself,

and then there are days like today—

when the weight of what I didn’t say

sits heavy in my chest,

like it’s waiting for an apology

that can’t reach you.

I miss you in the quiet moments,

in the jokes that land wrong without you,

in the space you used to fill

just by being there.

Today I’ll eat ‘Maco Bell’,

cheap wrappers and greasy fingers,

because that was our thing—

ordinary, unremarkable,

and somehow sacred now.

I’ll taste it and think of you,

and pretend for a moment

that you’re just late.

This weekend I’ll sit with your brother,

your face echoing in his smile,

your voice hiding in his laugh.

We won’t say your name every minute,

but you’ll be there anyway—

between sentences,

in the pauses we don’t know how to fill.

I wish I had been better.

I wish love alone was enough

to rewrite the ending.

Instead, I live with the guilt,

and the missing,

and the strange way grief keeps you alive

in the smallest habits.

Two years gone,

and still—

you show up

everywhere.

I’m so sorry, Matty.

[abynrml]

And just like that

I’m not the last thing on her mind

Fuck

[abynrml]

A year ago

Bear Lake was empty.

Not quiet.

Empty in the way places feel

when you arrive carrying too much.

We rented an A-frame

that cracked and settled all night,

wood stretching in the cold.

You came with me

because you knew

my heart was restless,

and you didn’t ask for an explanation.

Skip-Bo on the floor.

Cards everywhere.

No score, no rush—

just time slowing down

between us.

The dogs wrapped themselves in blankets,

pressed close,

like warmth was something

you had to guard.

You brought my favorite movie

and played it low,

the kind of sound

that feels like company.

I watched the screen.

You leaned into me.

Steady.

Certain.

Like you had nowhere else to be.

The cold stayed outside.

It tried to get in,

but you kept touching my hand,

my arm,

my back—

quiet reminders

that I was here.

Your warmth wasn’t dramatic.

It didn’t announce itself.

It just stayed consistent.

A presence.

A constant.

And in that A-frame,

with the lake frozen solid

and the world far away,

you became the warmest thing I knew.

Not because you tried,

but because you stayed

close enough

to feel like home.

[abynrml]

Blue skies blush with pink,

morning lifting itself gently into being.

The sun rises just to greet you,

while your reflection on my window

aligns perfectly

with the moon that still insists on being seen

in daylight.

The moon—

the one that rests at your throat,

that you touch when you need reminding

how to stay grounded,

how gravity feels in your hands.

I used to sit beside that moon,

glowing even when the dark pressed close,

whispering to you, whispering to myself:

I am with you,

wherever you go.

But things change.

Stars burn out.

And somewhere in that quiet ending

I slip from your chest,

lose my light,

and scatter myself across the sky.

New stars are born—

they always are.

New love ignites, bright and fearless.

How you gaze upon her now.

Still, I wonder—

when you look up at the night,

when the sky opens itself above you,

will you ever search for me

among the stars?

[abynrml]

I forgave you

again and again,

until forgiveness became a reflex

instead of a choice.

When Ash turned on me—

accused me of a sin I did not commit—

you were silent.

My best friend, absent.

Your absence louder than the blame.

And now, when I am unraveling,

when I need you most,

you choose the one act

that cannot be undone.

The ultimate betrayal.

I told you everything about her—

every detail, every soft edge,

every way she haunted me.

I trusted you with what was still bleeding.

All this time

you weren’t listening to understand.

You were studying.

Taking notes.

Building an image of her in your mind

from my wounds.

You took my words—

the one’s full of lust and craving—

and gave them to her

as if they were born in your mouth.

You spoke to her like you were me,

wearing my voice like a borrowed coat.

You did this

after sitting beside me

while I cried and cried and cried—

after you learned the sound of my breaking,

after you memorized the rhythm of my grief.

And somehow

that is what hurts the most:

that you knew me so completely

and still chose to disappear

when loyalty mattered,

and appear only

where it would cost me everything.

[abynrml]

A new year

Without you

What a weird feeling this is

[abynrml]

I drink the wine of her lips

As if I have not drank in years

[abynrml]

please come and shake me when i’m talking in my sleep

my dreams have been so fucked and i don’t know what it means

where i can’t touch the bottom and you drag me

by my feet

so scared of getting scared

i know what’s underneath

blue beyond belief

you’re getting good at letting go at your own pace

i think i’ll hold on until my fingers slip away

i’ll stare at the sky until i see it blink

i will see the good in everything

[abynrml]

Sunsets

The sunset never finds its colors on its own.

We place them there—

our oranges, our bruised purples,

the soft golds we dared to believe in.

Every evening, a collaboration

between what was

and what we were willing to let glow.

I loved you deeply—

the kind of love that stains the sky,

that lingers long after the light should fade,

that knows how to warm even the coming night.

If love had depth, mine would be the horizon—

endless, aching,

never quite reachable.

But as the sun lowers,

there is a moment when holding becomes release.

When the colors, once ours,

must belong to the dark.

I leave you there—

not abandoned,

but complete—

wrapped in the last light I knew how to give.

I turn toward a new cove,

uncharted and quiet,

where the water is unfamiliar

and my name sounds different when spoken by the wind.

The night meets me gently there,

asking nothing of what I was,

only what I might become.

And still—

when the sky burns beautifully somewhere behind me,

I know:

those colors were never accidental.

We painted them together

[abynrml]

Oh, I could sit here awhile

Let the sound of the waves wash you out

Escape into the tides and ride out this

heartbreak on the emptiness of the sea

My eyes could lose themselves in the

colors of the sky - mix and match till

it all seemed right

The sand beneath me is a reminder that

even shattered pieces can still be whole

Oh, I could sit here a while

But truth is I could drown in these

waters and still all I’d ever be is

lost in you

I could watch the clouds with a distant

mind but still all I’d ever see are the

colors of your love spread across the sky

for me

And I could bury myself in the sand

beneath my feet but still the memory of

you would find a way to uncover me

Oh, I could sit here awhile

Maybe just long enough for you to return