Thoughts & Things @acatslifeforme - Tumblr Blog

It's Been A While

I hardly ever get on my computer anymore and I really never want to type out my feelings via my cell phone. Yet I don't want to pick up a book to read it, I've been reading on my phone.

Things are getting bad again. Everyday I want to leave Texas and move back home. I'm happy here but I would be happier if I didn't have to worry about our living situation every month. I want to solely focus on my health and not have anxiety or my grandma paying for our ridiculously priced rent. Or there is the fact that I love my job but I'm getting worn down after a year and when I'm not "feeling it" I count down until I get to go home.

I don't want to hide in my dark bedroom to help my chronic migraines/headaches but it is all I can do to stay out of a non-painful situation. My partner or my best friend don't understand how much pain I am in every day. It isn't just my head, it is my whole body.

My partner really struck a nerve with me the other day when I came home from work and he had just been sitting around playing video games. I asked him "What did you do all day?" (Looking at the ever growing pile of laundry) and he responded "I colored all day" Which is a nod at me not doing anything on my day off. It hurt. It really hurt. I would love to sit at home and do the dishes and laundry on my day off. Except I can't. If I were to do these things. I would need an entire day to recover. It's also why I couldn't clean my apartment by myself. It causes me to be in to much pain. I'm already overloading my body on a daily basis by pushing it farther than it should. Now that I am not in school and I'm trying to take it easy on myself, the true nature of my chronic illnesses are coming out. I can't do what I once did.

It is so frustrating to feel these things and have my family 800 miles away where we can't help each other. I wanted to go up before it got cold because I needed away but I didn't know when we were going to be moving locations for work so I didn't make plans. I think I want to try to go home, by myself, for one of the holidays and freeze. My partner can't take off because of his job and the holiday season. I know he will want to go too but I think I need this just for me.

I need to find an outlet of other people to talk to that have an understanding of what I am going through. Hopefully I can get the connection via my computer now instead of my phone with some help.

prinzessin-auf-der-kichererbse

Found the best GIF ever to describe an IBS episode.

Just like old times...

I feel like I did almost two decades ago when I discovered tumblr. Sitting in my bed writing my feelings out to random people on the internet. When life was so much easier back in the early 2000s. Okay, maybe life wasn't easier. I've just grown as a person. The early 2000s were a completely different time. Every year since 2012 my birthday hasn't been the same. 2012 is the year my grandpa died. Every year since I can remember he called me either in the morning or evening (farmer time) to wish me a happy birthday. It was always funny because he would ask my grandma "Do you want to wish your granddaughter a happy birthday?" Because she somehow always forgot. I really wish that he could have met Phil. He'd love him. He drives a Chevy. [Quick side story: when I first started dating Phil, I got in his truck one day and it smelled liked heated plastic and old truck. Which made me smile and want to cry because it smelled like my grandpa's old trucks used to.] He's a gentleman. He works with his hands, cooks, cleans, and does laundry. My grandpa would have loved him. Basically, from my birthday to the new year I get depressed because I miss the family gatherings. I miss going to my great grandma's to eat and open presents with that side of the family. For years we would gather around this old table. I would always pass out the gifts and my grandpa would always open his with his pocket knife so he didn't rip the paper. When my great grandma got sick and my great uncle took over the house, we continued the family tradition. Then when he got sick and was put into the nursing home, they sold the house. My mom now hosts it at her house every year, but it isn't the same. The last Christmas before my grandpa passed he didn't come to the family Christmas dinner due to a conflict he had with my mom at the time. I begged and cried for him to come because it wasn't the same without him. He also missed my parent's [my mom and stepdad] wedding since it was all on Christmas Eve. I think that is also why it stings so much around the holidays. I didn't get to spend the last one with my favorite man who watched me grow up and help me become the person I am. It's ironic that I ended up with a guy who has so many things in common with me. It was funny, once Phil realized how generous my family is he told me "thank you for adopting me."

Sorry now I'm getting side tracked and lost my train of thought.

Back at it again...

It's been a minute.

Reading back from my last post....

Still have my Master of Science in Library Science degree and still not doing jack shit with it! Thanks for fucking me over former employer!

After 5 years, 1.5 of that driving 1-1.5+ hours to and from work, I finally left and got a lesser paying job at the local library doing almost the same damn thing. Except I'm 5 minutes away from home, not seeing 100+ people a day, or running around doing 10 different things at once. Instead, I run a copy/fax machine and check books in/out. Plus, I've been doing some collection development assistance and updating bibliographic records. Doing more yet doing less.

Less stress. Less money spent on toll. Less gas money. Less wear and tear on my car. LESS STRESS.

Still going for my Master of Science in History but this semester I needed to make some changes. I ended up dropping the Historiography class that is a required class because I mentally can't do that shit right now.

After my last post, I started seeing an Allergist who diagnosed me with a migraine disorder. He put me on Amitriptyline (which is actually an antidepressent/nerve medication) and I'd been doing great on that until about a little over a month or so. At first, I thought... well I've switching jobs, so let's see how it goes when I get to the new job. Same issues. The meds stopped working and I'm still getting small headaches. But for the last week, my anxiety has skyrocketed and I had a breakdown. So I decided that I finally needed to make an appointment. We will find out what will happen the 21st.

The doctor that was overseeing my medication management for my bipolar/anxiety was suddenly dropped from being in-network. I have to find a new person to oversee my meds now. Friday, when I am off I will have to call a couple places but I think at this point it might go back to my PCP because I don't want to get shrinked again at 33 years old. Plus, I probably wouldn't be able to get in until next year to see an actual psychiatrist.

So I decided that during my mental breakdown, stress-reducing rampage that I need to not take a class that was going to require me to read a book a week, plus write 1000 word review, and work on a theory paper AND do my Gender Theory class work. I fucked up my financial aid and will probably owe the government some money (like I don't owe them over 100k+ now anyway) and will probably lose future aid but that is okay. My mental health comes first. I think since I am working 28 hour a week now I will take one class a semester and get help from grandma. I'm already 12 of 36 credits into the degree so why stop now? I also really want to get the Women and Gender Studies minor/certificate with it.

Right now I just want my partner to come home and make me some food and then I want to go to bed.

Peace out people.

Hello Again.

It's been over two years since I posted here. A lot has changed in those two years.

I'm still dealing with mental illness but overall life is better. For the most part anyway.

I've had my Master of Science in Library Science for over two years now and I have yet to officially have the title as Librarian at a job. I got screwed over at my current job that left me without much needed experience. Then COVID hit and I got furloughed. I've been back to work but I'm still resentful of everything. So much so that I decided to go back for another Master's Degree but this time in History/Political Science. So I'm in my first semester of that. I like one class but the other class is not my cup of tea and is requiring us to read at least 12 books. I am behind and I should be catching up on that. Except I can't focus.

I can't even focus on typing this. I keep letting my mind wonder to different things. I know what I should be doing but I can't find myself to do any of it. All I keep thinking about is how I want out of my current job and to focus on myself. Except I can't afford that.

I could potentially have a job at my fiancé's aunt's BBQ but my psychiatrist got it in my head that I shouldn't start something new and out of my area of expertise. Except I can't keep driving 3 hours a day, four days a week when the only benefit of the job is making $21 an hour.

I have to end this post to much is going on inside my head.

buspir-deactivated20230127

the notes are broken 😂

calvin-reads-problem-sleuth

Reblogging partly for awesome computer shortcuts, and partly because I wish to once again take part in a Post That Broke The Notes.

lannisten

I was born to rule the Seven Kingdoms. And I will.

alrauna

Jeska Hearne (@lobsterandswan)

andermuunoz

I think we’re alone now 🎵

Bonus

oberynmartell

lady sansa stark of winterfell did not win the battle of the bastards, reuinte the entire north, watch her father and brother be murdered, survive two sadistic abusers, keep the northern people warm and fed for the winter, manipulate & outplay a master manipulator, rule winterfell by herself as a teenager, and kill two of everyones least fave characters just for ya’ll to dislike her for not wielding a sword