If you're looking for excitement, it's not here

Seriously, I'm pretty boring.

[acceptingmediocrity]

my period is late.

this is not a good time for this. it's not super late, but i usually run like clockwork because i'm on the pill. i haven't had any cramps yet either. ii don't get it by tomorrow i'm buying a pregnancy test. i probably will though. i feel a little menstrual, but maybe that's just wishful thinking. i have a test tomorrow i don't have time to worry about this. i wish i could just get it and stop worrying. 

[acceptingmediocrity]

my boyfriend has pretty much decided that he's going to accept an offer to branch directly into doing a ph.d next year. i'm excited for him, except i think he might still live at home while he does it because that university is a commutable distance. i know he wants to save money, but i would really prefer if he moved out. his parents are crazy and i think it would be really good for him to be on his own. plus, i want him to get the opportunity to live with friends before we move in together. he needs that time to grow and party and do all the things i've been doing away from home. i don't want him to somehow resent me when we are older because he never had that experience. and i don't want him to go directly from relying on his parents for certain things, to relying on me. i am not his mom and i'm not going to take on that kind of role. he needs to fully become a man on his own.

and a ph.d will probably take around five years. i'm hoping at some point he will decide to move out. i think he will, because his patience is wearing really thin. to be honest, i was hoping we would be married in the next five years, or at least engaged, and i refuse to do either of those things until he is established on his own. we could get married while he is doing his ph.d and were living together, plenty of people do that. i could pay for the wedding myself if i had to. i'll probably be finished school before him.

when it comes down to it, i'm really disappointed he will be still living at home in all likelihood. his parents tend to treat him like a child, and i know it kills him and it really bothers me too. i know when he stays at my house for a few days he just loves the freedom i have, and the fact that i am surrounded by friends. i'm going to talk to him about it. the school is about a 40 minute drive from his house, but much longer using public transit. he's actually told me that he's frustrated by how such a good opportunity has come up so close to home, because it's taken away his excuse to move out. i think he should just do it. his parents drive me up the wall, they're ridiculous. i'm actually worried about marrying my boyfriend just for the fact that his parents will be my in laws. imagine them being grandparents to my kids, if i have them? i can't handle it. my parents are worried about it too. he needs to get away.

[acceptingmediocrity]

i hate it when guys feel the need to show off in front of their friends.

"her and i have a special relationship"

*super awkward pulls me close gesture*

shut up. you haven't even got the balls to make a real move.

[acceptingmediocrity]

i went out for dinner with friends last night, 6 of us including THE friend's girlfriend, and the friend and i ended up sitting at each end of the table facing eachother. the whole time we just made awkward eye contact, oh the sexual tension. he made a few sexual jokes about him and me, which under normal circumstances would be fine, but i don't think his girlfriend appreciated it, and i feel like everyone noticed that except him. it put a little damper on my meal, but i made up for it by stuffing myself with unlimited bread and salad.

[acceptingmediocrity]

guess who accidentally overdosed on wellbutrin?

meeeeeeee

instead of my yasmin last night i accidentally took another wellbutrin, bringing me up to 600 mg from 300 mg. i wasn't too worried, but decided to call telehealth anyway to be safe. the nurse didn't seem very confident so he told me to either call an off-hours physician hotline or go to the ER, or somehow speak to a doctor. my doctor doesn't have an off-hours line so i just called a pharmacist, and he basically said i would feel weird but basically be fine. of course everyone told me to go see a doctor if i had odd symptoms. i thought this was sufficient, considering the pharmacist knows more about meds than the nurse and the doctor.

so i decided to just tell my housemate across the hall what happened and sleep with my door open. i felt pretty weird. it took me forever to fall asleep and i felt kind of high and shaky. when i did fall asleep i alternated having strange dreams and waking up and having this weird out-of-body sensation. when i woke up today i just felt hungover: dizzy, nauseous, a little disoriented and headaches. no big deal really, but i am definitely going to be careful not to do it again, because i still don't feel great.

adventures with antidepressants!

but seriously, don't mess around with your meds

[acceptingmediocrity]

so i had a long chat with my boyfriend last night. we discussed what constitutes cheating for us, and what we would 'permit' within our relationship. he surprised me by saying that as long as i seek his approval beforehand, he doesn't see any problem with having experiences with other people. i agree, and encourage him to do the same.

i then specifically brought up the possibility of trying something with my friend. he wasn't that surprised, because no one is really, apparently it's pretty obvious that we're attracted to eachother. actually, as a joke we tricked a friend into thinking we were dating, it was so believable. anyway, my boyfriend was totally cool with it. he has thought of it before, because he knows i am close with this guy. and he said that he's cool with me doing whatever i want with my friend. anything! in fact, he said now that we've talked about it, he would be disappointed if i didn't follow through on it, because he wants to hear stories lol. so now i just have to wait until the opportunity arises.

unfortunately my friend's girlfriend will be over. she's nice, but no one in the house is really friends with her. she doesn't really fit in here. i think she's grown up a lot in the last year, but she's still immature. hopefully she'll continue to grow. but i still think it's weird that she's not eighteen yet.

[acceptingmediocrity]

i just made a pact with my boyfriend. when he finally gets his full license (yeah, how does he still not have it?), i will cut my hair short which he has been wanting forever. my hair is currently about halfway down my back, and after cutting it must be no longer than his nose, which we have determined is a generous 6 cm in length. he says he basically wants me to have a lesbian haircut, because he thinks it will look good. for me its a win-win, because even if he does it, he will have his license (which is something i've been bugging him to do forever), and my hair grows fairly quickly. thank god his nose is so big lol. when he initially said it had to be as long as his nose, i said i would only need a trim! i'm so mean, but he loves it. i'll probably end up donating it to cancer patients. my roommate did that a few weeks ago, and my boyfriend did it in high school. he donated 15 inches...yeah it was that long. i'm excited!

[acceptingmediocrity]

sometimes i almost think that i can feel myself changing as a person. it's like watching a candle burn. what's going to happen when the flame goes out?

[acceptingmediocrity]

hmm, so friend is having his girlfriend over tm for a few days. she's okay, except she's still in high school, which creeps me out a little. and she's not mature for her age, i feel like he really babies her, i'm not sure what the appeal is there. she'll be here til friday.

said friend and i have also agreed to get really drunk together on st. patty's day, and something might happen. i was kind of pleased that his girlfriend would be gone. but i am reluctant to actually do anything serious with him, because his girlfriend seems insecure and i don't think she would approve. as much as i would like to mess around, i wouldn't want to put his relationship in jeopardy. it also makes me feel kind of weird because apparently she has told him several times that i am her favorite friend of his. i might invite my boyfriend up for the weekend. i want to seek his final approval anyway, and it would be fun to have him there. and, if this falls through and i'm really horny, i always have him.

i'm curious as to what he would actually be willing to do. we sort of have a no housecest rule so it would have to be secret. and i don't know what constitutes cheating for his relationship. i know for mine, my boyfriend is willing to let me do pretty much anything, but i wouldn't take advantage of that at this point. i would be perfectly happy with some kissing and groping around, just to test the waters. i want to explore my attraction to him. it could be that that will satisfy me.

also, i know he is uncircumcised. my boyfriend (and only true sexual partner thus far) is circumcised, so all parties involved know i want an extensive show and tell with the new setup. it's actually really driving my curiosity. the only problem is, i know if i get to see it and touch it, then i'll want to give him oral to see the differences there, and as much as my boyfriend says he's okay with that, i wouldn't try it unless i was completely sure. i want to try these things, but it is very important to me to not damage any relationships. i really have no desire to get emotionally involved with anyone other than my partner, but i don't know if my friend understands that. other friends have suggested that he's falling for me a bit, but i am not sure if that is true, or if he is just attracted to me. i need to talk to my boyfriend and make sure we have firm expectations and rules regarding this stuff before i do anything.

[acceptingmediocrity]

i'm having major procrastination problems this term. it has resulted in a lot of really late nights finishing things at the last minute. surprisingly, my grades have been good. once i am actually motivated to do things, i think i do them pretty well.

this week has been hell. i have had so much to do, and a partner for a presentation completely plagiarized her half. fortunately i caught it right before it was submitted and reported to the professor. i don't feel bad at all, she was a bitch, and put us both at risk by doing that. i told her i reported her, and she seemed totally unfazed. i feel like she doesn't understand that she will get a zero on this important assignment. also, a note about plagiarism will go on her official transcript, and there's a possibility she could get kicked out of the university altogether. oh well, not my problem. i am somewhat upset because i would have included a lot more in my part if i knew she was not going to complete it properly. so now i have to deal with all this. ugh i'd better go work on another assignment, there is no way i would let down anyone the way she did. i'm pissed.

[acceptingmediocrity]

i just want to touch him and lay down with him. what's wrong with that? probably quite a bit. i don't have the balls to just do it, perhaps i can with alcohol as a safety net. how come he can grind up against me like it's nothing but i can't do the same? maybe that's what he wants, i should look for more opportunities to be alone with him. i don't even have feelings for him, he's just a friend, but damn, do i need some sort of comfort right now. i think he does too. sometimes i wish he would just come upstairs and crawl into my bed in the middle of the night. why can't he just read my mind? actually, that would be dangerous.

[acceptingmediocrity]

so lately i've been creeping this wedding blog site a good amount. it makes me feel creepy because i'm not engaged. i mean, i have told my boyfriend and he says he thinks it's nice that i'm thinking about it. i guess the difference is that we know we will get engaged as soon as we have money and can live together, so he's happy i'm excited about that. i don't even look at dresses or anything, just rings. women in my family have always been big on jewelry, so that's part of it. i think the other part is that i'm really just wanting to get engaged right now, and i'm looking at the next step, so that's not so bad, right? also, i kind of want to just have a nice ring too, haha.

now that it's been over five years, people at christmas were starting to ask when i was going to get engaged. it was kind of weird. but also my boyfriend bought me an expensive diamond necklace (i don't know how much it was, but from the amount of diamonds, too expensive...), so i think that sort of brought it to mind for some people.

we have also been talking about it more because he might be studying abroad next year, and he asked whether i would want to get engaged before i leave. i don't really want to do that. i think we should wait until he's a year into his abroad program before we do that, just to make sure things continue to work out.

and we're only going to be 22 this year, we have plenty of time. i still feel weird about looking at rings and stuff online. it's not like i'm hiding it, so i don't think it's too bad. it's just fun to do when i have some time to kill. ugh, i need a hobby.

[acceptingmediocrity]

in the last year or so i have begun to look into using more natural beauty and personal care products. whenever i mention this to my scientist friends, i can tell they kind of roll their eyes a little bit inside. i totally agree with the 'just because it is natural doesn't mean it's good for you' sentiment, and i know that's what they're thinking. but it's not like i'm going strictly organic or anything like that, i'm just more aware of what is in the products i use and try to avoid certain things. this actually started because my whole life i have had problems with extremely sensitive skin and allergies, so i began seriously trying to figure out which ingredients triggered reactions and irritation. after looking into some of the things that are put into things like soaps and cosmetics, i realized that some ingredients are not only potentially hazardous to health, but also that a lot of them can be avoided relatively easily.

one example is triclosan, which is found in many toothpastes and is in antibacterial soaps. it is known to create dangerous by products including dioxins and chloroform fairly readily, and their are concerns regarding bacteria developing resistance. personally, i find it to be extremely drying to my skin, so all the more reason to avoid it. another thing i avoid are products with excessive artificial fragrance. fragrance ingredients to not need to be listed except as 'parfum/fragrance' because they are considered proprietary, and they can be a hiding place for all kind of irritants. it is fairly common for them to trigger allergy symptoms, including headaches and skin irritation. 

i feel like a lot of people are not aware of what is in the products they are using, but i don't like to lecture people. when i read the ingredients on a lotion before i buy it or something like that, people tend to think i'm some kind of hippie, but i'm really just looking out for my health. people that know me well seem to understand because they see me frequently red or complaining about some sort of reaction. they also know that as a baby i had severe burns on 40% of my body, and even though i don't have a lot of scarring, that it has made my skin more sensitive. and its not like everything i buy is natural and organic, either. i have been using some regular products for years without issue. like i said, to me it's about awareness and health, and i don't think there is anything unscientific about that.

[acceptingmediocrity]

so my boyfriend has been accepted to a medical school in st. kitts. talk about taking long distance to the next level...canada to st. kitts. he hasn't decided whether to go or wait another year and reapply to see if he can get into a canadian or american medical school. he doesn't know what he should do, and i don't really know either. i would miss him if he goes, but i know this is an amazing opportunity and it might not be a good idea to let it pass by.

i don't know what i'll be doing when i graduate. i'm going to apply to med schools and other programs all over the place so we will probably be long distance then anyway. to me him going to another country pretty much means a more expensive flight for visiting.

also, if he actually became a doctor it would mean the rest of his life he would just have so much better job stability and income. if we get married, this would change both of our lives. he says that if he goes to med school we can get engaged/married soon if we want to. it seems kind of crazy, but its totally possible. i have about 40 k saved right now, so we could pay for a wedding cash, and i know our parents would give us money.

he also says that if he becomes a doctor and i don't want to work, then i don't have to, which is very nice, but i could never do that. not only would i feel guilty about not contributing, but i think spending so much time home alone would not be good for my depression. the biggest thing is that i don't want to be dependent on him. if we were to ever split up i wouldn't want to be stuck without a decent income or money saved of my own. my parents have always told me to be able to be financially independent of my partner if necessary.

if i end up in a short program after graduation, i would probably go live with him in st kitts until he was done school, as long as he wanted me to join him. the idea of living in a tropical country is sort of mind boggling. the whole island has about 35000 permanent residents, its just such a huge difference from where i am now. i am also drawn to the idea because i feel like it would be such an adventure. and that country is really safe so i don't have to worry about that. i really have no problem leaving canada, i feel like i don't have any real roots here anyway. and i think i could get used to a more easy going caribbean lifestyle.

so many decisions. i'm trying not to pester my boyfriend about it. i'm worried that if he passes it up he may never get a med school opportunity again. it's weird to think this would affect my life almost as much as it would affect his, but i guess that's what happens when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. right now its hard to imagine what my life will be like in five years. its kind of stressful, but exciting at the same time.

[acceptingmediocrity]

fuck

fuck fuck fuck

i avoided work all week and now i'm paying for it. this is why i'll never be successful. and i found out my boyfriend is probably going to med school in the carribean. talk about taking long distance to the next level. this next little while is going to really suck for me.

[acceptingmediocrity]

i have a doctor's appointment to do a consultation about getting an iud. i've been wondering lately if the hormones in the pill have been making me more depressed, so i want to talk to her about this and see what she thinks. i would like to go off the wellbutrin this summer, so the idea of being completely med-free (well, pill free) by the end of summer appeals to me. my doctor supports my weaning off this summer, so i think it should be fine.

i would prefer to get the copper iud so i can go completely hormone free, but i know some people have bad experiences with bleeding. if the doctor really pushes for mirena, i'll probably go that way. i'm a little scared at the thought of something being put directly into my uterus and staying there for years, but i am more freaked out by the idea of getting pregnant. it will be interesting to see what she has to say, even though i would have to be referred to a gynecologist anyway. i'm just anxious to hear her opinion. i was supposed to have my appointment this past friday, but it got cancelled because of the snowstorm. i'm already really stressed out with school and i just want to get this process in order so i can take it off my mind. my boyfriend isn't totally convinced that these are safe, neither is my mother for that matter, but he is supportive and she doesn't know anything about this kind of stuff, so i may as well go to a doctor for some more information.

[acceptingmediocrity]

it bothers me that one of my housemates is a lesbian and people make a bigger deal about that than about the four men i live with. people say 'wow, isn't that weird? does she hit on you all the time? are you self conscious when you're changing/coming out of the shower/whatever?'

the answer is of course no. she respects my boundaries as much as any of the guys in the house because we are friends, and not all just wanting to mindlessly fuck all the time. just because you are attracted to a gender does not mean that every one is a target for your sexual advances.

we all have fun and are comfortable with eachother. and i am glad we have a good mix going on. a house with seven girls would be a bitch fest, and a house with seven guys would be really dirty (at least the kind of guys i live with). no major problems.

and no, we have not made out.