Ask an Asexual

This is an asexual ask blog! Our moderators will answer your questions about asexuality, give advice, etc. Feel free to shoot us an ask and we will answer it to the best of our abilities. If you need anything tagged, just let us know.

[ace-asks]

how do you know your romantic orientation when you are asexual? because I sometimes think about having relationship with girls (I'm a girl) but I don't know if Im romantically attracted to them or if my mid is just making it up because im constantly confused about my sexuality

Usually people will notice that they develop romantic feelings for certain types of people, then identify accordingly. Aces, provided they are not also on the romantic spectrum, do experience romantic attraction like everyone else. If certain people feel extra special to you and you want to do things with them that are typically thought of as romantic activities, those are signs your feelings might be more than friendship. True romantic feelings can't be forced, so I wouldn’t worry too much about trying to figure it out. You’ll notice the feelings in time if they’re there. (Desiring a non-platonic relationship with someone is typically a good indicator of romantic feelings.)

[ace-asks]

I've felt like I'm asexual and aromantic for about a few months now. Maybe I've felt it longer but didn't know what it was called. Anyway, I've never had a romantic interest, but I'm still in middle school, going into high school soon. How do I know I'm not just a "late bloomer"? I don't want to ask my parents, I don't have a therapist anymore, and I only trust a select few peers to know my identity, none of which I want to ask. Sorry if this was random or vague. Thanks for your time.

The only true way to rule out being a late bloomer is to wait and see. But even if that does turn out to be the case, sexuality and romantic orientation are fluid and there is no reason why you can’t identify as asexual or aromantic for now, until you feel that the labels no longer fit. If you feel you are aroace presently in your life, go ahead and identify that way.

[ace-asks]

I'm not really sure if I'm ace or not. I'm not interested in sex. I do have a kink but it has nothing to do with sex. But I masturbate a lot. Am I ace or not?

Asexuals can have kinks and many do masturbate. Of course I alone can’t tell you if you’re ace, but from what you’ve told me I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t be.

[ace-asks]

can aroace be used as an umbrella term? like i’m aro and a-spec so can i call myself aroace? or just aro and a-spec? :)

You can definitely use aroace as an umbrella term if you feel it describes your experience adequately enough.

[ace-asks]

Hey! I'm in a bit of a pickle, I want to start taking birth control pills but I'm not sexually active. What can I do? Do I lie to my doctor?

You don't need to be sexually active to take birth control pills. Tell your doctor the real reason why you want to try them and you shouldn't encounter a problem.

[ace-asks]

So um, i've identified as ace for a long time but i'm starting to think i'm demisexual. I have an attraction to certain parts of my partner but wouldn't want to engage in sex, i don't think anyways, i don't know i'm confused and need help.

Demisexuality usually involves sexual attraction to the person as a whole after one has formed a bond with them. If you're attracted to certain parts of your partner only, consider whether or not the attraction is aesthetic attraction (a simple enjoyment of/attraction to the appearance of someone/something without sexual desire), and if you determine that it is actually sexual attraction to certain parts, you may have developed some fetishes which can happen even if you're 100% asexual. Demisexuals often do desire sex with the person they've developed attraction to, so it's entirely possible that you're still ace. Think about your feelings and see what sounds right to you.

[ace-asks]

hello, i was just wondering if it was common to be aroused without feeling any sexual desires or or attraction. cause im never sexually attracted to someone but i get aroused? is that just a natural thing? am i still asexual?

Yep that's a natural thing that'll happen from time to time without prompting. You're still asexual.

[ace-asks]

I've been wondering if I'm on the ace spectrum or not because I've realized the crushes I had as a kid weren't crushes but me just attempting to make friends. I say this because at the time I was under the impression this is what a crush is like when it's obvious to me now that I thought they were cool and I wanted to be their friends. I never offered anybody I had a crush on at sleepovers when other girls asked because I couldn't think of anyone. I think this is the biggest indicator to me

It definitely sounds like you didn't experience romantic or sexual attraction as a kid. You didn't mention your more recent feelings but if they are similar to how you felt when you were younger, then it's possible that you are somewhere on the aromantic spectrum as well as the ace spectrum.

[ace-asks]

I'm a 16 year old girl and I've been friends with this girl for about a year now. All my friends make jokes about how we would be a great couple and I tried to brush it off but I started thinking that maybe I did like her in that way. I find myself thinking about her a lot and I want to hold her hand and hug her but I can't imagine wanting to kiss her or have sex with her. Could that mean that I'm a romantic asexual? What exactly is romantic attraction and how is it different from friendship?

It sounds a lot like romantic attraction from what you've described. I know that you're not sexually attracted to her and if you've never been sexually attracted to anyone else either, then asexual would be an appropriate label for you. Romantic attraction is a really tricky thing to define since it does have a fair amount of overlap with friendship, but there are some things that can clue you in. If you find yourself thinking about someone very frequently throughout the day it's more likely to be a crush since it's not typical for a "just friend" to be on one's mind as much as that. If it makes you happy to think about the two of you being seen as a romantic couple, it's probably romantic attraction. Getting jealous when your friend becomes romantically attracted to someone other than you is a HUGE sign that you like them as more than a friend. I hope that helped a bit!

[ace-asks]

so i have a bf and i still haven't came out as asexual with him, or anyone really, but one time we were talking about sex in a very non-sensual way, so i took it as a chance to ask him how he'd react "if" i was asexual, and he replied that he'd be very depressed as someone that craves skin to skin contact. and i always thought that he'd be the kind of person that would be okay with it so now i'm so confused and i'm doubting my feelings for him but it's only bc of this one thing.. idk what to do

That's really tough! It sounds like you have two options here. Either way, something will be compromised, so you'll have to decide what you value more highly. If you value the relationship more than being out as asexual, you could refrain from telling him. Unfortunately, if you did that, you would not be able to be completely true to yourself. Additionally, relationships tend to be healthier when both parties are honest and open with each other. There could also be conflict down the road when he eventually expects sex if you're not comfortable doing that. But it is an option. Alternatively, you could tell him that you are in fact asexual, knowing that he'll be devastated. This would likely result in the relationship going downhill, but you would be being honest and true to yourself, and you wouldn't be "leading him on." There is probably a chance, however small, that he will learn to be ok with it, but it is a risk for sure. (You could agree on an open relationship in which he is allowed to go to other people for sex while you two remain romantically exclusive, but I know many people wouldn't be comfortable with that.) I'm sorry that there's not an obvious best option, but I sincerely hope everything works out.

[ace-asks]

So I identify as asexual And I'm just now figuring this out and coming to terms with it I've told two of my friends already and northern of them can help me with my one big issue How do I tell my boyfriend Saying it now it doesn't seem like that big of a deal but he keeps making sexual advances towards me I'd like to stay in a romantic relationship with him considering the fact that I am in fact biromantic but I'm not sure if he'll feel the same way about me

It can be a tricky situation. I'm not going to lie and say that his feelings definitely won't change at all because unfortunately sex can be a very important part of a relationship to some people. But it's not like that for everyone. You likely won't know how important sex is to him in a relationship until you tell him. Sit him down and explain the situation, and be sure to make it clear that you're romantically attracted to him but that you cannot feel sexual attraction. Outline your boundaries so there's no confusion and hopefully you two can reach an understanding. I wish you luck!

[ace-asks]

me and my girlfriend are both questioning if we are aspec. Im thinking I'm fully asexual, and she thinks she might be demi. the thing is, we both enjoy having sex with each other, and we have the same kink, and we really enjoy implementing that kink when we have sex. Can we still be aspec if we really like having kinky sex???? (I guess I'm mainly asking for myself, seeing as she might be demi)

Yes, aces can definitely have kinks and I know that for many aces, the implementation of kinks during sex is the one thing that makes sex enjoyable or desirable for them in the absence of sexual attraction.

[ace-asks]

Hey, sorry if this has been already asked but I saw a previous question and was a little confused-- what's a 'swinger'?

It's someone who swaps sexual partners or engages in group sex.

[ace-asks]

Could I please get a link to the ace safe space server? I'm excited to find a place to meet and talk with other ace people!

https://discord.gg/kPjEMnjThere you go =)

[ace-asks]

Hey, I'm trying not to presume, but, if you're going to be away for a long while, would you be interested in having mods apply to help with the question load? Again, I'm not trying to say you should or act over-eager to be a mod or anything, I was just wondering, and I apologize if this is rude or uncalled for.

I’ve had a couple of bad experiences in the past when allowing additional mods onto this blog and other blogs. There were issues with them spreading misinformation and upsetting various groups of people, so I’m a lot more cautious now. That being said, if I find after a particular length of time that I am still not completely back and answering asks regularly, I will consider adding some new mods to the team. I’ll let everyone know if I do decide to go that route (and no, it was not rude of you to ask, don’t worry).

[ace-asks]

Another mini-hiatus

As you have probably seen, there haven't been any new posts in a while. I'm sorry about that. Unfortunately there are a number of difficult real-life things that I have to deal with currently, so I haven't had time for Tumblr. I can't really predict when I'll be back for good and posting regularly again, but I promise that this isn't permanent. I'll try to answer asks when I can, but I'm sorry to say that there'll likely be a wait for many of you. I just wanted to let everyone know so you aren't sat wondering why I haven't answered your questions for a month.

[ace-asks]

Can you be asexual and still get crushes? Because I think I'm ace but then I got my first crush on this girl and I'm not sure if that means I'm not ace. Like, I don't want to sleep with her (or anyone) but I keep seeing all these posts saying ace people don't get crushes and it confuses me because surely you can get a crush based on romantic attraction instead of sexual? I'm 14. Can I still identify as ace?

Yes, aces can have crushes. You’re right that crushes can be purely romantic attraction, and unless you’re asexual AND aromantic, aces are capable of feeling that type of attraction. You can identify as asexual.