Being Asexual But Not Realizing It: Why Ace Awareness And Pride Are So Important
so. since AAW is almost over and i’ve yet to deliver on the one thing i said i was going to contribute although i will deliver. at some point. eventually i’m going to talk about my experience as growing up asexual without realizing it, since i haven’t really talked about that in detail before
now, the most common narrative we see in the asexual community is aces who grew up feeling broken, knowing there was something different about them, and not knowing how to fix it like everyone told them they should. and this is aces of all ages, from young questioning teens to the elderly who learned the word asexual from their grandkids
and this is an important narrative to highlight, because no one should ever have to go through that. and my heart goes out to every ace who has ever felt this way. only, as i’ve become more involved with the ace community and seen this prevailing narrative, i’ve felt a little confused because, in my case, it was the exact /opposite/ problem for me
because i thought i was straight. even though i exhibited behavior that could be read as bi, even though my parents “worried” i was a lesbian for a number of years, i knew i wasn’t gay and i knew i wasn’t bisexual. i don’t know how, but i did. and because i thought straight and gay and bi were the only sexualities that existed, i figured i must be straight. it was never a question as to whether or not i knew i was, i just wasn’t anything else, so i identified as straight by default
and it’s not that i thought i was straight “but not very good at it.” or that i was straight “but something was still missing.” or even that i was straight “but hey shit happens.” no, i thought i was straight, wholly and completely. and so, because i was undoubtedly straight, i assumed that this was what being straight was. i assumed that how /i/ experienced straightness was how everyone else must be experiencing their straightness
so, how it was for me, is that i thought /i/ was “normal” and that it was literally everyone else who had the problem. because i wasn’t actually experiencing straightness, so obviously our feelings weren’t the same, but i thought they must be, and i held myself as the standard, and when other people didn’t exhibit their straightness as i did, i thought there was something wrong with /them/
frankly, i’m a little concerned to know what this says about my ego, although i’m not about to think it’s exactly a bad thing, since it did save me from that existence of feeling broken and lost and self defeating about my sexuality. or maybe it’s just because i’m a naturally reclusive person and i’ve always been a little more mentally-independent
the point i’m trying to make, is that this is not an ace narrative i’ve ever come across before, only i’m certain i can’t be the only person who has experienced this or something similar. which is why i’ve decided to share this story for AAW, in an effort to bring awareness to the multitude of ways people can grow up being asexual and not realizing it
and this is not to say that i didn’t experience isolation or confusion, because i most certainly did feel these things. although this came from a different perspective than those who think of themselves as the ones who are broken. i didn’t think that i should be feeling like everyone else, i thought everyone else should be feeling like me, and so it confused me that i still couldn’t understand them
because i felt i should have. they were straight, just like me, they felt the same things i did, so why couldn’t i understand them? the degree to which this bothered me varied depending. generally i’m not particularly concerned about the affairs of others, so i didn’t spend /a lot/ of time fussing about this. but when my friends dated or when i heard people talk about sex and all it entailed or when we got the abstinence sermons at church, i did feel very alone
because i didn’t /understand/. why was everyone else obsessed with dating and losing their virginity? why was everyone obsessed with sex? why was everyone having so much romantic drama? why were adults constantly trying to instill in us the importance of abstinence? why was it such a big a deal to wait for marriage?
why were people behaving in ways i couldn’t understand? i felt just like them, so why weren’t they making sense? why was it so hard for them to just not care about sex? to just not have sex? to just not date? if it was so much trouble, why not just avoid it? why was that so hard? what made it worth it to these people?
why did adults keeping telling me it was important to wait? i got it, okay, it wasn’t that hard, you just wait. why did they tell me it was important to resist? what was there to resist? why were they making such a big deal out of it? why did other kids complain about this? it wasn’t that hard, just don’t have sex. so why were they obsessed with it anyway?
it frustrated me to no end that i couldn’t understand these people that i should be able to understand. and sometimes it left me feeling very much alone; and normally i didn’t care about being alone, i didn’t care about being the odd one out, i didn’t care about going my own way as usual
but it was a very distinct feeling of being on the outside looking in. or more accurately, that i was inside and everyone else was outside but they all seemed to be having a good time and i didn’t understand why they didn’t just come inside with me because it was perfecty fine in here
but of course, all of this was because i was coming at it from the wrong perspective. i wasn’t experiencing straightness as i thought i was, it was something else entirely. and it was such an incredible relief to learn about asexuality. because finally--finally–i knew what i was feeling, finally everything /made sense/. it was like i’d been stumbling around in semi-darkness, never questioning that maybe things shouldn’t be like that, and then suddenly all the lights were turned on and i understood
and i was able to relax and find comfort in my identity and stop worrying about understanding all those people and all their ridiculous nonsense. because of course i couldn’t understand it, we were feeling different things. they were feeling exactly as they should, it was i who had mislabeled my feelings. and it was such a relief to know that i wasn’t part of that and so i didn’t have to worry about not fitting in with it
i was part of this whole other group of people, and /these/ people acted in ways i could understand. i didn’t have to be confused or frustrated or isolated because they felt how i did and when they said things, i got it. i could understand these people, and that’s part of why it’s so important to me to contribute to this community as best i can, because it makes sense to me, because for the first time in my life i have found people i can understand
you know, one of the most important aspects of mainting mental health is validation, is understanding. it hurts a person emotionally to be alone, to have no one to talk to, no one who can understand you. and this is coming from me, who relishes being alone, who seeks to be alone whenever possible, who finds fulfillment and satisfaction in solitude
because it’s not just about being physically alone, it’s the emotions. it’s a very different feeling of /wanting/ to be alone and then feeling like you’re alone because you can’t connect with the people around you. even now, sometimes, i get a little tired dealing with my offline friends because none of them are ace and they’re all very sexual, and i don’t mind, really, but it gets lonely, and it’s such a respite to be able to come online and talk to and interact with other ace people whenever i want
and that’s why i’ve decided to share this story, because you guys can understand me, and i know there’s probably some other aces out there who had my same circumstances and maybe wondered if they were the only ones. you’re /never/ the only one, there’s billions upon billions of people on this planet, there is garaunteed to be at least one other person who feels the way you do, and if there’s a chance that i’m that person, well, here i am
that’s why i’m always open to talking to ace people, and especially questioning people, because i can /understand/ you, and sometimes that’s what a person needs. and that’s why this blog exists
that’s why it’s so important to raise awareness of asexuality and instill pride in asexual people, so they don’t have to grow up thinking they’re something they’re not, so they can know that there’s a whole community of others out there that can understand them, and so they never have to feel like they’re alone
jbbartram-illu
theartofmadeline
turnnoffyourmind
gummygunk
