TW: NUMBERS TALK, BASICALLY ALL 3 MAJOR EATING DISORDERS, CURRENTLY IN RECOVERY
This was... Honestly not expected for us. Our lowest weight while in the depths of it all was 169 - at that point, it would have been about 36 lbs of weight loss. We then gained to about 280 through binge and purging, though only vomiting until the end, and pure binging at the beginning. A binge and starve cycle had taken control for over 6 years.
We haven't been calculating calories, and we haven't really been *thinking* about what we're eating. But we know our weight. 163.8. nearly 6 lbs less than where we got with our EDs. We got lower from a healthier standpoint. We didn't need to suffer that entire time.
We could have done this a long time ago. If we just knew how to find a peace in the eye of the storm.
And I guess that's what's different today than last year or 3 years ago? We've found maybe not the eye, but so fucking close. We've almost found our safe place within the vortex, where it all makes sense. We've almost got to some form of inner balance, harmony, contentedness. Peace. We didn't know they were different before, but they are.
Balance is this kind of sturdy feeling, a solid ground to stand upon. It brings a kind of stability only found with it.
Harmony is when everyone can work together, we flow and we are a well oiled Voltron of a machine. Our parts, and singlets have parts as well - just not fragmented, sing a tune only we know. The clouds part and we can thrive in the sun.
Contentedness is more of a quieter, background emotion. But when we don't have it, the missing puzzle piece is a blackhole. It makes such a difference and we took it for granted for so long, a core kind of happiness. Not the joyous yellow, but more of a mellow sunset yellow. Swirled with a little bit of orange and red and pink, just for fun. We're okay.
Peace is similar to a combination of all three but also its own feeling entirely. With peace is a sort of trusting that no matter what, we will be alright. Undisturbed. Quiet, but never in a lonely way. In such a warm, cozy way.
In other life updates, we've started a trauma therapy called EMDR - though it's tricky since we're a system. We're on an antidepressant called Lamotrigine, and it seems to be making our manias more... Enjoyable? Too.
Before it was a fire so deep it burnt holes in us, uncontrollable and red hot. It blocked us from the world in a way only we knew exactly. Now, they're a kind of warmth that spreads through us. Almost like wax on the wick of a candle, adding substance and energy to keep it going for longer.
Depressions aren't non-existent but they are smoother, we sleep in an extra half hour instead of 3 full and go to sleep an hour later. We find ourselves only going two, or three days without journaling or doing crucial self care instead of fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. We find ourselves reaching for healthier habits because we want to feel better and there's not a giant brick wall in the way. It's just a fence, and we're so close to that goddamn gate.
We're not at a state where this is our feeling always, but it is more consistently. We are still triggered and we are still finding it hard to go a day without smoking because of our stress and how hard it is to stay grounded. Our flashbacks are lessening and we've been able to journal about more of deeper childhood memories.
Parts that split are being reintroduced and though some are fusing, some are choosing to stay as their own identity. They're actually helping out a lot.
We exercise only when we want to build now. Build muscle, discipline, healthy habits. We remind ourselves that we don't deserve to tear ourselves apart anymore at least once every other day.
Our clarity is improving. And we're making better decisions and listening to our boundaries more.
Now... We do have the issue of not communicating to each other so that we don't communicate to the outside. We're working on our trust.
We also have issues with respecting each other's boundaries.
We don't allow each other to front fully if we're being petty.
We have a lot more system work to do in general.
But we're making it there. Recovery ain't so bad.
