chronically ghosting

is this anything?

[achronicghost]

hi

[typewriter-worries]

journal entry - 6.1.22

text id under the cut

Keep reading

[achronicghost]

I know so many people who destroyed themselves.

and it’s selfish that I’m jealous the pity they get for it,

and it’s fucked up that I want to join them,

that I want people to call me a martyr too.

And it's sick that what I'm really angry about,

Is the fact that I do destroy myself,

Just so often and so quietly,

and I put myself back together so quickly,

That no one can tell when it happens.

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

To your credit,

I have no clear memory of you hurting me.

I can’t remember what you said or did,

or how I felt or reacted at the time.

But something remembers.

When I’m reminded of you,

and my body shakes with pure fucking dread,

something remembers.

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

Someone proved to me recently that intimacy isn't supposed to hurt.

And, god, what do I do with that now?

Now that I know I don't have to burn at every touch?

I want to replace a lifetime.

I want their soft hands to replace the fingerprints,

Their soft voice to replace the whispers.

And, the next time someone touches me,

I want to think of them.

Not you.

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

I’m tired of easing people into me.

I want to rip myself open in front of someone new,

have them watch my guts spill out,

and still choose the mess.

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

It is 1am.

I am overtired, and I am overconfident,

which I am sure only guarantees falling short of perfection.

It feels like I am killing myself for this,

I should allow myself some faults.

But it feels like I am killing myself for this,

I should at least drag out the result they need from me.

-a chronic ghost

[feral-ballad]

Clementine Von Radics, from In A Dream You Saw A Way To Survive; “You are on the floor crying”

[achronicghost]

I think he was right when he said nothing would ever be enough for me.

I think someone could spill their guts for me and I wouldn't call it love because I'd have spilled them differently.

I keep saying I want someone who speaks the same love language as me, but I think I might have meant,

That I want someone who would destroy themselves in the same way as me.

[achronicghost]

Sometime in November 2021: i cant be empty just yet. there has to be something left in me i can squeeze out

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

I always feel like every single thing takes something from me And I always think, soon there'll be nothing left. But every time I stop to check, I find that actually, I am still all here.

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

23 November 2021: I think I just want my thoughts to burn into someone else's mind the way they burn into mine.

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

23 November 2021: I felt alive today for the first time in months and God, it was exhausting.

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

30 November 2021: I need someone I can trust enough to understand my trust issues. Someone I can trust won't resent me for not trusting them.

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

A few people I've met recently: The one person who sat behind me in the bar, talking absolute nonsense that made me laugh. They complimented my band beanie and I hadn't spoken to a stranger in so long that I wanted to blurt out the dumb story behind it. I didn't, and I lost the beanie for good just a few days later, and I haven't seen them since, but I'm glad for that small interaction. It made my week better. The cashier that I served me once who I asked about ibuprofen only to find it myself a couple seconds later (in my defense, the text was red). I hurriedly explained that I was a mess because I had class in a few minutes that I only found out about an hour ago, which was weird for me because I never say things like that on a whim, let alone to a stranger. Realistically I know it means nothing, but I think that would be a cute start to a story about soulmates. My psychology professor who, in the midst of my classmates fighting, asked if I was okay because I was being quiet. I don't know if she picked up on the silent panic attack I was masking, but I wanted to cry because I think she was the first person to notice me like that in years. I nodded and said yes, I’m okay, of course, but that did mean a lot to me.

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

20 December 2021: tell me its fine to grieve everything i feel like i’ve lost. and everything i can feel myself losing. and everything i'm terrified of losing soon.

-a chronic ghost

[achronicghost]

I need to stop calling myself lazy for being hesitant to put myself in pain. (And so do you)

-a chronic ghost