After about a year or two of not being on tumblr I've come crawling back at 7:22 A.M (why in gods name am I awake?) to make my first text post.
So much has changed in my life since I was last on tumblr in my life...
I don't really know what to say. The past year or two has been full of tremendous fuck ups, tears, growth, laughter, and a lot of angry yelling. I have learned so much of what I am capable of, and who I am. I guess I'm just gonna get into it.
In early 2016, around September I moved to California because I couldn't stand living within my own walls of my home, in Illinois, mostly because I was running away from growing up and taking self responsibility. I wanted to escape. I wanted to escape the colors of my room.
California overall was a dream, I got to live in the Bay Area for 6 total months before self spiralling depression and anxiety forced a crippling break down on me, coupled with many shitty tinder dates that either ended with me feeling nasty about myself, being touched without warrant, or feeling used.
Fast forward a couple months and a hospital trip later, I was given a chance to start college up again after my year off from it. (6 of it being in California). I started going to classes in summer, and fell in love with Graphic Design and Traditional Art. The pace California put me at honestly fucked me up, to be back in slow pace Illinois land. Getting back to school after a year was. so. hard.
All the while, in April/May of 2017, I met a man named Nick. I hadn't even wanted a relationship when I had gotten back to Illinois. I was scared. I had been out of relationships for over a year and a half just about. All we did was talk. And talk.. and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, is tell someone that's shown interest: "Hey by the way I've done a bad thing and also I was recently in the hospital for xyz..." And he took it with grace.
Fast forward two semesters later, 3 long distance relationship trips later in the span of just a few months (Did i mention Nick is from New Jersey!) Ive been to New Jersey/New York, he has visited me, and I spent almost a month with him in Florida!
I am attending my last semester (Spring 2018) at my community college. I have attended 7 semesters total of college, and I graduated highschool in 2014. It has taken me 4 years just about to earn a regular Associates Degree, and possibly 2-4 Graphic Design certificates. I couldn't be prouder of myself.
I still have anxiety, but I found out I have hypothyroidism after my hospital stay in March of 2017, which accounted for so many high and low mood swings. I take medication for that, and have been also trying to better my diet to keep it in check, hopefully I can get off thyroid meds. I've kicked antidepressants to the curb after I found out about that, which can still be a struggle, but I have been getting better all the time. It is...constant work in reshaping how I'm thinking, and telling myself that things can and will be positive. Power to thought right?
Nick doesn't understand how anxiety/depression works, but he has been the best partner I could ask for in helping me cope with it. Some days it takes a toll, but we're doing our best to work together as a team to beat the living heck out of it. After many Google searches a night, and talking it out with professors who I've shared similar traits with, we have actually come to a conclusion that I fall in line with HSP. (Highly Sensitive People)
While you don't have to checkmark everything from that link I put it, it has definitely helped me learn what really gets me going down a bad thinking path, or what per say "Triggers" my anxiety/panic to go off.
Everyday is a learning curve. Every week is something to reflect on. And before you know it months have gone by.
It'll have been a year to the day that I have been dating Nick on May 2nd. I'm forever grateful for everyone along my way that has dealt with my flare ups of emotions, even if we have walked out of eachothers lives.
I don't really know how to end this, I just hope anyone out there can self reflect and grow. You are capable of changing the way you think, your actions, and how you percieve the world. And when you open yourself up to it you can feel more love than you've ever known. I hope to continue to mess up, and I hope to continue to grow. Ive seen more of the world in the past two years than I ever thought was capable. Open up to love.
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