Dream a little bigger, darling

[acrossthenewdivide]

AND DALEKS IN MANHATTAN

seriously. the best episodes.

[acrossthenewdivide]

THE FACE OF BOE

How could I forget THE FACE OF BOE

not me crying over Gridlock. SO MUCH EMOTION THESE DAYS. ITS FINE.

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: Real Talk

okay yeah I posted a distraction because its necessary and rings true right now.

But the last few weeks? I have undergone an insane transformation.

I wrote previously about trauma release exercises and how violently I responded. I have also started listening to bilateral audio designed to release triggers and traumas from the amygdala to the "historical data" part of the brain.

I am a skeptic. but it works.

After a few weeks of these practices, I feel more grounded and calm, and able to name and talk about the abuse without losing my mind. I've had no panic attacks, no uncontrollable sobbing. Just...recognition and beingn able to name things.

This is only my experience. And this experience led me to shattering the final illusion of this person I spent 12 years with.

I fucking deserved better. I deserved a partner, not a vampire. I deserved someone to celebrate me, to love me, to support me, to meet me with compassion and curiosity. Not to destroy me and belittle me and stuff me into a box he could manage.

And that has manifested itself in my bones.

I deserved SO MUCH BETTER.

When I was drinking myself half to death? That deserve compassion, not ridicule.

When I gained weight? That deserved love, not judgement and correction.

When I was in a toxic job? That deserved support, not anger.

I recognize this now. I deserved so much FUCKING more.

Instead, I'm having to put myself back together after he shattered me. I don't deserve it. No one does. But I'll do it.

I like to equate it to the ancient Japanese art of kintsugi. Putting the pieces back together with gold [glittery, if I might add], into something more beautiful.

I'm a Pisces. I am the fucking ocean. I am deep, I am loud, I am calm, I am healing, I am everything in between. And I will never let someone try to drain me again.

I am allowed to take up space in my own life. I am allowed to be as amazing and loud and empathetic and quiet and fabulous as I am. And anyone who comes into my life from here on out will have to add to that. And they have to respect what I've been through. Otherwise? They can bite me and live on my block list. I've done it already. I will keep doing it to protect the peace I've worked so so so hard for.

Anyway. Eventually, once I'm stable enough, I want to start awareness and advocacy for abuse that isn't visible in bruises. I can't do it yet, but I will. Mark my words.

Because we ALL deserve better.

With love. 💜🎗️

[acrossthenewdivide]

A BREAK from the Divorce Chronicles

In my healing era. As part of the really difficult trauma processing and naming the abuse, I am watching safe things.

That includes my safe show since I was in college, Doctor Who.

So CAN I JUST SAY.

Martha Jones has some of the BEST EPISODES. Seriously. It's a travesty she was done so dirty. Also - Shakespeare? Hot AF.

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: I Thought Leaving Was the Hardest Part

I was wrong.

I thought realizing what was happening, what I was enduring, and choosing to leave was the hardest thing I've ever done.

But no. Now that I'm safe? It's the healing. The processing. The recovery that is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Now that I'm safe, now I have to face it all. 12 years of survival mode. 12 years of abuse that I didn't realize was happening. Rewriting an entire history is more painful than I can describe.

I didn't totally believe it WAS that bad, even after moving out and what not.

Then I tried this random "Trauma release exercise" just for fun. I didn't think anything would actually happen [PhD brain = skeptic].

But what happened was unlike anything I ever could have expected.

My entire body shook violently. Completely involuntary. I was aware, I could stop it if I wanted, but it felt important to let it move through me.

It was unlike anything I've ever experienced. The trauma release - it made me violently shake and tremor until I stopped it.

There is no amount of gaslighting in the world that can explain that away.

And that's really hard to reconcile. Because it means this was really that big. This was really that painful. This was really something I endured for a long time. And accepting how big that is...its really hard.

In fact, my brain hasn't fully accepted it yet. My mind rationally understands it. My body CLEARLY is keeping receipts and showing me them. But acceptance hasn't happened yet. Supposedly because its too big to accept fully yet, and we have to do it in waves so it doesn't totally destroy me.

but its weird right? to be standing on the edge of this massive thing I know is true, but my brain hasn't integrated it yet.

So for now? We titrate this response. Every time I've attempted this release, my body's response is just as intense.

Clearly I have a lot to work through.

And that brings me to my final point. This reaction? It's not random. Violent tremors during a trauma relesease exercise isn't just from *stress*. That is prolonged, deep harm. And I'm done minimizing it.

I kept qualifying my experience.

"Yes it was abuse, but..."

"At least he didn't..."

"A form of domestic violence...."

No longer.

This was abuse. This was domestic violence. I am processing a decade of trauma.

I am a survivor.

And I'm done minimizing it for anyone else's comfort.

If they argue with me? Just watch the videos of me violently shaking because of what he did to me.

Recovery SUCKS. Acknowledging this SUCKS. Healing SUCKS. And it sucks the most that I shouldn't have to do ANY of this. I didn't cause this.

But I'll do the work anyway. Becuase the only way out is through.

With love. 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: I'm Not Afraid of Being Alone

But holy SHIT has this been so incredibly difficult.

Realizing what was happening.

Making the decision to leave.

Leaving, filing for divorce.

And processing the decade of abuse and trauma.

It's been the hardest thing I've ever done.

But. I'm not afraid of being alone.

I feel like parts are starting to settle - the peace, the freedom. Even if they are interpsersed with really, really hard processing.

I've always loved my own company. I am an introvert at heart, like to the point my parents wouldn't send me to my room to punish me because I liked being there so much. But being alone - its always been my peace. No one to bother me. No one to manage. Just...me. Doing me. Marching a lil off beat to my own drummer.

I've never cared what anyone else thought, and I did what was true to me anyway. I've always trusted myself above all.

Which I suppose is why I was so distraught when I was questioning my reality. To be torn from the very thing I trusted most? Horrendous. Worst feeling in the world.

Living on my own...its an adjustment. But its a paradise. And I never want to forget that, even through the hard, panic and sob-ridden days.

This is so hard. I don't wish this upon anyone.

But mark my words - not having to brace for someone else's emotions, not having to shrink how awesome I am, not having to be anything but who I am, not living in survival mode on fumes...that is worth every ounce of pain right now.

This pain is cleansing. This pain is a necessary part of healing.

I am not afraid to be alone. Even when it hurts right now.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: I Filed

I officially filed for divorce tonight.

I am ELATED.

I can't wait to have nothing to do with him ever again. Luckily, we are uncontested - we tended to agree on everything, and I don't expect any issues or court appearances.

But just to DO IT. To claim my name back. To serve him the papers.

I am so fucking proud of myself for getting here. So so so proud.

And don't get me wrong - had he given me a hard time or not been amenable to things, I would have pulled the abuse card. He was agreeable, so I didn't, because I'd rather just be done with all this than bother with the abuse stuff.

But I would have - and COULD have - if I needed to. And if he flips a switch during the divorce proceedings and does it, I will pull that card.

For now? We celebrate this win, and one step closer to being free of this abuser.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: To the Girl Who Left

Months ago, you made the hardest decision of your life.

You faced something absolutely impossible, with a pain that felt like you were breaking open and bleeding out - and chose to face it anyway.

You chose to seek help. You chose to face the truth. You chose to accept the abuse we’d been experiencing for so long.

You made the impossible decision to walk away from your 12-year relationship/marriage. Because you knew the harm would kill you. Had been slowly killing you for a decade.

You no longer recognized the reflection in the mirror. You no longer recognized your words, your thoughts.

You didn't know what was real.

You broke.

You asked the toughest questions no one should have to ask, questioning your reality. Questioning if the person you were meant to trust the most really was as evil as rational logic was telling you.

Your brain knew.

Your body had known for a VERY long time.

Your heart just had to catch up.

You faced that chasm - pain that felt unending - and you found the strength to prioritize yourself. Finally thinking about yourself over him, over your family and friends, and society.

Society tells us we shouldn't get married to get divorced.

Of COURSE I didn't marry to get divorced.

I also didn’t marry to get abused.

Yet here I am.

To the girl who broke, who reached out for help in an hour that felt overwhelmingly dark and hopeless - I see you.

I was you.

And I promise you - it gets better.

A few months later, we are sitting in our own place. ALL OURS. It's small, but its cozy and perfect for us.

Most of all? It's safe.

It's quiet. We're adjusting to the quiet and the feeling of being alone. But we have an amazing support system. And quiet after all this? it's good.

We're healing now. It's incredibly difficult, to look back on the last decade or so and rewrite it in the context of the abuse. And realize how badly we were hurt.

The grief is so heavy.

But it's not as heavy as questioning our reality. Of being that girl lying on the bathroom floor sobbing, feeling like an open, gaping, bleeding wound.

This is the part where the wound is starting to heal, but it HURTS. The skin is tight and tender, and aches as it heals. But we know that the pain means we're healing.

To the girl who found the strength to face that pain months ago - thank you. You helped us get here.

We are safe. We are healing.

And eventually? We will thrive again.

I love you.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: Emotion

Ya know what else no one tells you about this process?

How emotional you'll be.

I tried to watch a movie tonight.

Super familiar movie. Nothing too inherently emotional about it.

But I was sobbing from minute 2.

Why?

No idea.

Other than my system is on hyperdrive.

And that's okay. I expect it will keep happening til I stabilize.

That's it. That's the post tonight.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: The Quiet

When I imagined leaving him, I thought it would be epic and full of energy and relief and excitement.

Don't get me wrong - it is all that.

But after one week out, its QUIET that speaks the loudest. My home - MY HOME - is peaceful. Silent. Full of music. Movies. Whatever I want it to be. And that's exactly what matters. I can just...exist...how I want.

I am exhausted. Probably from my nervous system being in survival mode for a decade and finally coming down from that. I've got brain fog. I have to take naps. I've never felt so tired in my life.

But heres the thing - its relaxing exhaustion. I can't explain it, other than when I do sleep, I am calm. Every muscle relaxes. I get RESTORATIVE sleep. I know this phase is temporary, but its so obvious my nervous system is recalibrating after a decade of being on alert.

People don't talk about this enough. The quiet. And that sometimes the quiet and freedom and peace looks like eating tacos on an air mattress watching tv on your laptop on a Friday night. And that's okay.

It's all okay. And all worth it.

Moving out has made me angry. Angry at what he did to me. Angry at what he put me through. And disgusted at what I put up with for him.

All the exhaustion, the waves of anger and grief and raw emotion, are because of him. The shrinking I did to accommodate his fragile ego, all him. The healing and incredibly hard emotional work I'm having to do now? Also all him.

And honestly? I hate him for it.

Now? The peace and quiet are welcome. I sang in the shower tonight. I can't remember the last time I did that.

This is a massive transition. And I know in 6 months, a year, two years, as time goes on, this feeling will fade. So I want to capture it now. To remember how it felt.

Tonight, a week out from physically leaving, I want to remember the quiet. The peace. The tacos on an air mattress while I wait for the rest of my furniture. The exhaustion. The anger.

All of it. I want to remember all of it. So one day, when I'm thriving and living my best damn life, and this is all a memory, I have something to look back on and remember.

I am strong AF. I did this. I left an abusive marriage and made my own peaceful sanctuary. I prioritized myself. And I am going to THRIVE.

But I'll never forget the version of me who had to face and walk through the fire to get there.

More to come.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: I Left

Yep. I'm typing this in my own apartment, my own little slice of New Jersey - if that's a thing lol.

I left my abusive marriage, my spouse who made me shrink and feel like a piece of crap beneath his ego.

This is a short one, because I'm exhausted, but I did it.

And if I can? you can too.

More to come.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: How I Realized What was Happening

I didn't record any of my breakdowns like you see on social media.

But I've experienced pain more intense than I ever thought possible.

And let me be clear - I am still very much in the processing stage of all this. So its incredibly difficult to write about, but I WANT to start somewhere. More details may be filled in later.

Even months before I realized what was happening in my marriage, I was sobbing in bathrooms - public bathrooms while I was out with HIM, and in our own home, often while he was just in the other room. Sobbing so hard it felt like my chest was breaking open.

The thing was - I didn't realize why for a long time. See, I was in a really toxic job. There's a lot to unpack there, and what led me to said toxic job and all that, but the bottom line is that it was toxic. And I thought how I was feeling was just because of that job. And don't get me wrong - that was absolutely part of it.

Then I got a new job.

I'm a PhD scientist by training. I love writing and communicating. I landed my dream job as a scientific communicator for a cancer research nonprofit in my favorite city. I LOVE what I do, I love my colleagues, and it was the first time in a long time I felt like me again.

And that's where I started to see the cracks in my marriage CLEARLY, despite them ongoing for years.

The "jokes", the endless picking at me, the guilt he put on me for his feelings, the thing I had to shoulder for him. I will get into the past later, but this is just the last 6 months. And you know what? I think he hated when I started that job, and I was around real people again in person and it was my passion.

I realized what was maybe happening on a random day. When my feelings were invalidated and made about him for the umpteenth time. I went quiet. I cried in the public bathroom. He made me feel worse about it. I cried all night in the bathroom at home.

And that's when it clicked. This isn't normal, right? This isn't love. This can't be normal.

And no, friends. As it turns out, it wasn't normal. And it sure as hell isn't the love I deserve.

I've been experiencing narcissistic, emotional, psychological, financial, digital, and even forms of physical abuse for my entire relationship and marriage.

More to come on the process from there - it's a lot of self-blame, guilt, and immense pain before I decided to leave my marriage. And it gets worse before it gets better.

But that's the moment I sought out therapy. And my therapist changed my life. She was the right therapist at the right time.

Please. If you're struggling, or even just like "huh this feels odd", reach out.

More to come.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: The Beginning

I wanted to start this series to document my journey through my marriage, realizing that I had been experiencing multiple forms of abuse (even though he never hit me), knowing I needed to end it, the process of ending it, and my new beginning. I want to be able to look back on this in a year from now when I’m thriving to remember what I went through, and more importantly, try to reach others experiencing something similar. 

It’s awful. It’s messy. It’s more painful than anything I’ve ever thought possible. But I will be okay. And so will you.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

Right.

This is a really tough post to write. but I feel like getting it out there will be therapeutic for me.

I've been with someone for a long time. over a decade. Married for most of that time.

Over the last month or two, I've come to the realization - through epic nervous breakdowns and professional trauma-informed help - that this relationship has been grounded in multiple forms of abuse. Emotion, psychological, and sexual being the loudest. But also forms of financial, digital, and even physical abuse. he's never hit me. but he's exhibited reckless endangerment in the car pretty often - including inciting accidents on purpose so he can rage.

I am still really in the processing stage of all this. but I think my body knew a long long time ago. these patterns have been present since we started dating and I just never realized it. we went through many hard years and I chalked it up to his depression and anger. never that this was just...him.

but it is abuse. and I know now - I have to leave. for my sanity, for my healing, and maybe for his too. if I leave, maybe he'll get the help he needs. but I know I can't be responsible for that anymore.

And I want you to hear this - if you're struggling, if you think for a second you could be experiencing this - REACH OUT. abuse is not just hitting you. I thought that was the case for so long until I started down this path. so don't be afraid to reach out. please. You deserve better. just like I deserve better.

We walk to the other side together <3

[acrossthenewdivide]

Right. So it's been a minute, hasn't it?? Last time I posted, I was three weeks into a new job. Three months later, I can confidently say I am working my dream job. With that and taking the steps I needed to get my brain right....honestly feeling incredible right now.

So grounded, clear, and stable. It feels like night and day vs what it was a few months ago.

First and foremost, this is a message to those of you struggling - don't give in. It CAN get better.

Second off, I am off this week and once again indulging in my favorite saga. And I couldn't be happier.

OH and important sidebar - I WROTE A BOOK. So there's also that.

Cheers yall.

[acrossthenewdivide]

So my husband encouraged me to journal about this weeks ago.

I didn't, but now I feel like I should before I lose the feeling.

Three weeks ago, I started a new job.

I went from corporate hell, pushing agendas I didn't agree with, having extreme levels of anxiety and worthlessness that I couldn't begin to describe - and a terrible pit of depression - to working at a nonprofit foundation and writing science for a public audience. I cannot reiterate this enough - this is everything I've ever wanted to do. I intended to go to school for journalism long before I discovered science. And now I get to do the best of both worlds to support scientific research??

It almost doesn't feel real.

And here's even the bigger kicker than that.

My boss?

He's a sober man of faith.

He knows more about me after 3 weeks than people I worked with for years. And I'm so grateful for him.

I haven't had a mentor of the faith since undergrad. That part of me has struggled for a lot of reasons over the last decade, and the fact that the good Lord put a manager in front of me who is that, and who picked me BECAUSE of that part of my life.

It makes no sense to me. But at the same time, makes all the sense.

For the first time in years, I feel at peace. I feel happy. Genuinely calm. Happy to go to work and do what I'm doing.

My entire nervous system feels at ease again. like my nerves are no longer firing on all cylinders, nor is my anxiety anywhere near where it was.

I never understood people who blamed their jobs for depression.

I get it now. and I sincerely apologize to those I ever questioned.

I feel incredibly fortunate.

And that's all I have to say about that. because I don't really have the words to explain much more.

Peace and love <3

Take care of yourselves yall.

[acrossthenewdivide]

When I battled depression, one of the things I noticed that made me take pause and realize I might need help was not being able to sit through a movie.

I'd get a third, maybe two-thirds of the way through before I stopped it and switched to mindless reality TV.

Nothing against mindless TV - I LOVE my reality TV [Below Deck everything!!], but I used to LOVE movies when I had the time.

Depression took that from me. It took a lot from me, but that was one of those mundane things I didn't even realize until I got help for my brain and am feeling so much better.

And I realized - I can sit through movies again? I've been able to do so for almost a year now, but watching one of my favorite Marvel movies tonight and I realized how present I am.

It's a wonderful feeling.

This world is tough. Life is hard. We all struggle. There is no shame in needing a bit of extra help to feel your best.

Take care of yourselves. You all deserve it.

Peace and love <3