Dream a little bigger, darling

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Healing Chronicles: I am just TIRED

I got rid of the ring yesterday.

Which was a lie, btw. A lie he stuck with for 11 years. Not just to me but all our friends and family.

I know he's an abusive sociopathic, and a pathological liar, but for it to be such dedication to a lie for so long, over a symbol that was so important to me...that's so many levels of hurt I can't even start to understand.

So naturally, getting rid of it brought up another intense grief wave. Grief for the lies, the abuse, the version of me I lost along the way, what it cost me.

There's really no fixing that quickly, ya know? This process has taught me that feelings are gonna come as loud and as often as they want, and I just have to let them move through me.

Accepting that is one thing. Living it is another.

All I needed last night was for someone to tell me they were sorry. Tell me they were sure it hurt. Instead I got hit with "at least it isn't in your life anymore" and while that's valid, it completely overlooks the devastation I felt.

My mom was the exception, she recognized it and was sorry I had to go through it. I'm realizing through this process who are the real people in my life who don't just love that small, abused version of me, but who can sit with me in the hard times too. My relationships are fundamentally shifting, some ending entirely. And that is just part of this. I can't be friends with people who only wanted that small version of me. I will not shrink myself for anyone ever again.

But anyway. Last week I felt great. Now this week I'm sobbing again and going to bed at like 9pm because I'm just so sad and exhausted.

Healing fucking sucks.

My therapist tells me the hardest part was physically leaving him.

And that's probably true, but I was still in survival mode at the time.

Healing mode...yeah, I'm safe. Yeah, the pain has a purpose. Yeah, I know the only way out is through.

But I am TRIED. I am tired of being angry. Of being sad. Of being devstated and betrayed and in more pain than I thought possible. And for something I didn't cause, something I don't deserve to have endured or have to heal from.

We are in the thick of healing. And I know how much it took to get here, and I would never, ever wish to go back, but...

I am still tired.

I have glimpes of normality. Days I feel okay. Periods where life feels normal. The grief wave this time was intense, but I still came home, showered, ate dinner. I still took care of myself. A few months ago, that probably wouldn't have been the case.

And just 6 months ago, I wouldn't have even been able to acknowledge the pain.

I'm not questioning my reality anymore. I'm not trying to convince myself of what happened. I am safe. I trust myself again. Which is why I can even process what happened and feel this pain.

I am grateful for that. And I am looking forward to the day these waves are just ripples.

But for now? I am tired. And I think its important to recognize because when those days come that I feel "better", I think its important to remember that healing wasn't linear. It wasn't pretty.

But it was necessary.

I am TIRED. I am a little lonely. And that's okay.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Healing Chronicles: A Weird...but Important...Revelation

Therapy has been essential during this whole season.

Today, I had a weird...and what I think is really important....revelation.

This *gestures broadly to my life* could not have happened any other way.

Let me explain what I mean.

I admit, I had moments in my marriage where I wished he would cheat on me, or "just hit me", so I had a concrete reason to leave.

Instead I endured 12 years of multiple forms of abuse until he finally broke me enough to leave.

But. If he had cheated on me. If he had hit me. If I had left him all those years ago.

I would almost inevitably repeat the same pattern again.

And I got to thinking about it.

Over the last 6-8 months I've learned SO MUCH about different forms of abuse, manipulation, coercion, narcissism, personality disorders, self-awareness, empathy, so on and so forth.

I had no idea about these things. I thought abuse was very one-dimensional, and even when I first started learning about this, I wasn't convinced what I went through was really bad enough to be considered abuse.

But now?

Yeah. It was abuse. I have a form of PTSD because of a man who never technically hit me.

And now that I can recognize it, I can look back at the 12 years and point out patterns that existed from the beginning.

That also means I will NEVER let it happen again.

If I had left him before going on this journey, I never would have learned any of this. It has taken intensive, professional, trauma-informed help to convince me this was real. If I never hit my breaking point and never sought that help? I would have maybe never learned. I would have gone on thinking I was the problem. And the next relationship I would have tried harder, loved more, gave everything that was left of me, just for this pattern to repeat.

Yes, it took me 12 years to leave.

No, I didn't deserve any of the abuse.

But in some weird, important way, it was probably the only way to ensure I didn't repeat these patterns.

And not only that, but heal on a deeper level from the abuse, yes, but also from my upbringing and a lot of things that make me fall for the patterns of narcissists and toxic people.

I'm learning boundaries. I'm learning to take up space. I'm learning how much I DID NOT know how to do that before.

And if...and that's a BIG if...I date again, it will be someone who fits into my life and makes it better. No one who stresses me out, no one who love bombs me. No one who is hot and cold or can't talk about things.

I worked way too hard for this peace for it to be compromised by ANYONE, friends and family included.

So yeah. Weird revelation. I'm not saying I'm glad the abuse happened and that I blew up my life and started over in my 30s.

But I'm also not letting the trauma have the final word.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Healing Chronicles: Healing can be Lonely

I have amazing friends.

I don't have a ton of friends. I never have. I have a lot of aquaintences, and that's great. But as far as actual friends? Not many.

And that's okay. I've never minded that. Honestly I find people exhausting more often than not, and I really enjoy my own company.

Through this process, recognizing the abuse and going through divorce and starting my life over again, requires being incredibly vulnerable with those who I trust.

And also those who knew my ex even longer than they knew me.

That is incredibly difficult.

One, because I'm not typically a vulnerable person. I handle things, I move on. This is just too enormous to do that alone.

Two, because the abuse was so "behind closed doors" and part of it was that he was extra amazing around other people, so no one would eve think in a million years he was capable of this.

That's an incredibly lonely place to be.

This period of time has made me look at my friends, and I've ended up severing ties with several of them who questioned my experience, defended my ex's abuse, or told me to "get over it".

Let me be clear.

This is not something you "get over". And I don't care how long we've been friends, if you question my experience or defend his abuse, you can rot on my block list.

That doesn't mean it feels good.

Even those who have been supportive, there are times I'll reveal a small part of what he did, what happened to me, and its ignored or dismissed. Not directly, but just by lack of reaction.

And I wish they knew how much effort it takes to be this vulnerable. I went 12 years keeping this all a secret, away from my friends and family. To talk about ANY of it is huge. So having it ignored...it just reinforces the patterns it took everything in me to walk away from and that I'm still fighting so hard against.

That puts me in a weird position. I love my friends, but I can't have the same relationship with people who can't support me in my vulnerable moments and accept my truth. As much as that hurts, my abuse being ignored or downplayed hurts more.

So yeah. Healing can be really lonely. And there's no positive to that, it just IS.

[Ex is still blocked btw. 120 hours [5 days] and counting]

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Healing Chronicles: 96 Hours Blocked

I've definitely cried.

BUT

Its getting easier by the day.

But also

Holy SHIT does this suck.

I think the hardest part about it is that I don't deserve any of this. I didn't ask to be abused. I didn't marry a man to get divorced.

I married for life.

But I married a monster in disguise.

And what's becoming strange now, is that even the good times, the moments I knew I was happy at the time, are becoming objective.

I can't feel the positive emotion anymore.

I just feel the emotions that were suppressed.

I can look back on the "good" moments. I just can't feel it.

And honestly? I think that's a good thing.

I think it means the trauma bond is breaking.

The person who felt joy and happiness during those moments was a person in survival mode.

As a person who is now safe and processing the trauma, I realize she was clinging to any sense of safety and joy she could find.

Now?

Those moments were a mirage for what was really happening.

They were the "love bombing" part of the trauma bond and abuse. What kept me coming back.

I wish I could put into more eloquent words what this feels like to recognize 12 years of trauma and abuse I couldn't name until now. But I can't. I'm integrating a bit at a time but its almost like...I'm watching a movie of someone else, but I'm now feeling the emotion of it for the first time since I couldn't feel it originally.

It's disorienting and incredibly painful. But its necessary.

It would be easier to ignore it. To walk away.

But we can't. We absolutely cannot. Knowing what we know now, we have to heal. As painful as it is, we have to process it and heal.

The only way out is through.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Healing Chronicles: I Did NOT Cry Today

He's been blocked for 48 hours. And I haven't cried today.

That's a win.

This time last night I felt like I was breaking apart.

Today I still feel heavy, but its manageable. I don't feel on the verge of tears and sobs.

That's good. That means my system released enough and processed enough to come down a bit.

I felt it, I let it move through me.

None of this is fair.

But it IS showing that it will ebb and flow, and we can ride the waves.

We are in the thick of healing. Of processing all the things that were suppressed, all the things we couldn't feel at the time. We're filling memory gaps, feeling the deep emotions, and enduring the utter pain associated with the last decade.

Associated with realizing I married a monster, not a man.

But today was a bit lighter.

I'll take what I can get.

One day at a time.

And I swear, this better pay off in the future. Future me better be looking at current me like "yes. I know it hurts. I know you're exhausted. Keep going. It's worth it."

Also this Mercury retrograde can eff ALL the way off.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Healing Chronicles: I've Cried More Often Than Not

In the last 24 hours.

Honestly? Everything hurts.

It feels like the grief has hit me like a freight train.

None of this is fair.

But being able to even feel the grief? Means I'm safe.

It's cruel. It's unfair. I didn't deserve a moment of this.

But as I've been saying. The only way out is through.

Even when it feels like my heart and soul are breaking apart.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Healing Chronicles: Finding Peace in the Heavy

My divorce is final. My maiden name is reinstated. My identity reclaimed.

I am elated for all the above.

And yet healing feels heavier than ever.

It's not really about him - or missing him or anything. He can rot in hell for all I care.

It's about everything I lost. Every part of me that slowly disappeared until I was a shell of a human.

About every decision I wasn't allowed to make. Every feeling I wasn't allowed to feel. Every bit of me who had to shrink and bend until I shattered and no longer recognized who I was.

It's about not being safe with the person who was supposed to be my safe space. It's about me giving everything, and him handing it back to me battered and bruised.

About him messing so deeply with my head that even though I KNEW he was chipping away at my sense of self, I still couldn't leave because the trauma bond had hooked itself so deeply into me. And even now, divorced and free and rebuilding my life, still having to actively fight in my mind against the trauma bond.

For my fried nervous system that reacts to every noise. The 3am wakeups. The panic attacks. The moments I was sobbing alone on the bathroom floor while he slept, questioning my reality. For sitting with the unfathomable realization that my marriage was abusive, and I married a sociopath.

But. We are doing the work.

In six months, I realized something was wrong in my marriage. I got professional help. I named the abuse. I ended my marriage. I lived under the same roof as him for a time while separated. I got my own place. I moved out. I started over. I navigated the entire divorce process by myself. I got my name back.

I blocked him. I decorated my home. I started adding colors I was never allowed to add. I hung my awards and my doctorate. I started reading and doing puzzles again.

I EVEN started writing a bit [for fun, not trauma processing or work related lol].

I have sat in the impossibly difficult emotions, continued doing the hard work in weekly trauma therapy, and am slowly recognizing my freedom. And I'm not quiet about it anymore.

And I did all this while still showing up to work and being a functional member of society.

I have worked too hard for this. I will protect my peace at all costs. And every single decision I make because I'm honoring myself and protecting my peace is teaching my nervous system we're safe. We're allowed to take up space. We're allowed to hold boundaries. We're allowed to feel whatever we feel and hold our boundaries.

My home is my safe space. It's been my safe space since I moved out.

And slowly, I'm teaching my system that we are also a safe space. Within ourselves.

So even when healing and sitting with the realizations and truth of what happened to me feels impossibly heavy, I am seeking peace. I will sit quietly with the emotions. Process it in therapy. Write it down. And know that even feeling these things means I'm safe enough to feel them.

The only way out is through.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Healing Chronicles: MY DIVORCE IS FINAL

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S THE POST.

I AM GIDDY.

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Healing Chronicles

Yep we're graduating from the divorce chronicles to the healing chronicles. Hopefully my divorce is final any day now and we are focused on ourselves and healing from this season of life.

One of the most important things this process has taught me is how to be okay with not being okay. How to sit in the "meh" feelings and let the tears come, feel the anger, the rage, the disgust, the utter grief.

All my life, I've been the girl who's always "okay". Always felt like my feelings were something to be "fixed". That's kinda my default personality, and then I married someone who made it so I couldn't feel anything and be a fucking person.

So a huge part of this healing process is learning to listen to my body, listen to my feelings, and just let them be. Not treat any of it like it's something to fix. I felt kinda meh today. No real reason why, could my hormones, could be that I didn't sleep well, could be just feelings from all this - I'm learning in this experience that my emotions are gonna do what they wanna do, and I'm learning to lean into it. So I'm taking a gentle day. Watching cooking shows on TV and eating snacks and having low expectations. I did the things I absolutely needed to get done today and now I'm just...taking care of myself before I start a busy work week.

I always treated mental health like it was something to fix, not something to exist alongside. I always assumed my mental health and physical health were somehow separated. And one of the most important lessons I'm learning is that it is ABSOLUTELY not the case. I have been harboring so much trauma; my nervous system is fried. I have a form of PTSD - complex PTSD [or cPTSD] - from all of this. So yeah, it is now my utmost priority to rebuild the most important relationship of them all - my relationship with myself. My mind, my body, my nervous system. For a long time - maybe ever - my body had to scream at me to get my attention. And for a long time, I would ignore it until it forced me not to. Even then, I didn't give it the respect it deserved.

So we are healing that relationship. I'm teaching my body and my nervous system safety. We are safe, and we are healing.

And mark my words, we will never allow any person or thing to ever disrupt that again. You aren't supporting my peace? You can rot on my block list.

It's time to be a person again. A safe, peaceful person.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: I Moved Out Three Months Ago

To the day.

I moved out on April 3rd. It was a blur. Movers came, I got settled in my new place.

I don't have a car, so I took a Lyft from my old apartment to my new one.

The driver was playing K-Love.

It felt like the Good Lord was with me on that 20 minute drive.

Once I was moved in, I almost immediately took a nap. I was so exhausted that I couldn't function.

I took a lot of naps in those first few weeks.

But now? It's been three months. My apartment is my sanctuary. And I'm rebuilding my life. I started over, and I'm rebuilding something safe. Quiet. Mine.

And that's the most important thing in the world.

Over the last three months, I've undergone massive healing. Facing impossible truths, sitting with unbearable pain, and slowly knitting myself back together. Rediscovering who I am [and I kinda like who I am, ya know?]. And especially in the last few weeks, I've been singing again. Dancing in my kitchen [poorly, I'm a scientist y'all not a dancer], laughing easily at silly things, noticing the smallest things that just...bring me joy. I'm a happy, content person at baseline. And it feels like I'm coming back to her.

The work has been hard. Impossibly hard. But I've continued to show up and do the hard work. Sitting with impossible truths and feelings, allowing myself to prioritize ME. Probably for the first time ever.

Ironically, I've shown up as a better friend, daughter, sister, and employee because of it. And I know I'll keep on this path. Keep on the trajectory to thriving. Because I'll keep showing up to the do work and keep leaning into who I am.

And I just...wish I could go back to me 6 months ago and show her where we are now. The version of me sobbing on the bathroom floor, questioning my reality while he slept, who felt pain that she couldn't put words to, who felt like she was breaking apart and going insane - I wish I could reassure her that we're going to be okay.

But you know what's amazing? She didn't know if we'd be okay. And she did it anyway. We are here because of the version of me who did it anyway. She got help [help we're still in, worry not]. She leaned on support even when it felt uncomfortable. And now we're living again. Starting to live our lives while we heal and everything is just....so much better.

I wish I could tell her.

Since I can't, I'll put it here. Three months since I left. Almost five months since I ended my marriage. Five months since I made the hardest - and most important - decision of my life.

The only other thing I wish is that I had done it sooner.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: I Was Not a Person

It sounds insane, I know.

But I had a revelation today in therapy. [so great, that's what its for right??]

My to-be-ex husband didn't treat me like a person.

I got angry, frustrated, sad, emotional, at things that would make any human feel that way.

And I wasn't allowed.

I was met with the silent treatment. Being yelled at that I was overdramatic. Being told my feelings were irrelevant or too sensitive. that it "wasn't a big deal".

But it was. I'm a realist, I'm a rational person. The things I got mad about, had feelings about, any normal person would.

And I was told that wasn't okay.

I could go into SO many details, but the fact is this. I wasn't allowed to be a person with him. He wanted me to be a shell. And I was.

I shrunk. I was a shell of a human. [and I got in trouble for that too].

Mission fucking accomplished you fucking emotionally unstable asshole.

I wasn't allowed to be fucking human.

HUMAN. With feelings and thoughts and passion and autonomy. He took all of that from me. And made me feel like I was the problem.

It's disgusting. My heart is broken over it. But the work is working. The healing is happening. I'm laughing again. I'm singing again. I'm dancing in my kitchen [very poorly] again. I'm reading again. I'm LIVING again.

I should never have had to do this work. This is hard work I don't wish upon anyone. But I'm doing it. And its working.

And mark my words. No asshole will EVER make me less of a human again. If you can relate - I promise. Things get better. You are not alone. 💜

With love 💕 and a bit of magic ✨

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: It Gets Better

I have so much I want to write and explain, but the TLDR is this:

It. Gets. Better.

I'm not healed. Not by a long shot. But I'm starting to lean into my new life. Booking shows and concerts and trips for myself. I have plans from July through the end of the year. No one to "okay" it, no one to fight with. Just me, because I want to.

I had an accident last week. Nothing serious, but enough to keep me in bed propped up for a week [thank you remote work ability!]. And I realized I was taking care of myself. Not because he forced me to, while simultaneously making me feel bad, but because I wanted to, and I knew what my body needed. I listened to it, and I honored it. and now? We are ready to resume normal life.

That's how I'm rebuilding trust with myself.

I don't wanna get into the details of him, because ya know what? He took enough away from me. He doesn't get to keep a place in my mind anymore. We can talk about it therapy and otherwise? We live.

After everything, the fact that I'm just living again - starting to feel comfortable in this new life, loving what I'm doing, the people I'm seeing, the plans I have? Is more than I ever could have asked for. I love my apartment. the space I have made 1000% mine. and mine only.

I'm not done healing. But I have had a massive fundamental shift. Lets just hope a judge agrees quickly so we can be legally done.

One day at a time. And we are slowly moving towards our thriving era.

With love 💕

[acrossthenewdivide]

AND DALEKS IN MANHATTAN

seriously. the best episodes.

[acrossthenewdivide]

THE FACE OF BOE

How could I forget THE FACE OF BOE

not me crying over Gridlock. SO MUCH EMOTION THESE DAYS. ITS FINE.

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: Real Talk

okay yeah I posted a distraction because its necessary and rings true right now.

But the last few weeks? I have undergone an insane transformation.

I wrote previously about trauma release exercises and how violently I responded. I have also started listening to bilateral audio designed to release triggers and traumas from the amygdala to the "historical data" part of the brain.

I am a skeptic. but it works.

After a few weeks of these practices, I feel more grounded and calm, and able to name and talk about the abuse without losing my mind. I've had no panic attacks, no uncontrollable sobbing. Just...recognition and beingn able to name things.

This is only my experience. And this experience led me to shattering the final illusion of this person I spent 12 years with.

I fucking deserved better. I deserved a partner, not a vampire. I deserved someone to celebrate me, to love me, to support me, to meet me with compassion and curiosity. Not to destroy me and belittle me and stuff me into a box he could manage.

And that has manifested itself in my bones.

I deserved SO MUCH BETTER.

When I was drinking myself half to death? That deserve compassion, not ridicule.

When I gained weight? That deserved love, not judgement and correction.

When I was in a toxic job? That deserved support, not anger.

I recognize this now. I deserved so much FUCKING more.

Instead, I'm having to put myself back together after he shattered me. I don't deserve it. No one does. But I'll do it.

I like to equate it to the ancient Japanese art of kintsugi. Putting the pieces back together with gold [glittery, if I might add], into something more beautiful.

I'm a Pisces. I am the fucking ocean. I am deep, I am loud, I am calm, I am healing, I am everything in between. And I will never let someone try to drain me again.

I am allowed to take up space in my own life. I am allowed to be as amazing and loud and empathetic and quiet and fabulous as I am. And anyone who comes into my life from here on out will have to add to that. And they have to respect what I've been through. Otherwise? They can bite me and live on my block list. I've done it already. I will keep doing it to protect the peace I've worked so so so hard for.

Anyway. Eventually, once I'm stable enough, I want to start awareness and advocacy for abuse that isn't visible in bruises. I can't do it yet, but I will. Mark my words.

Because we ALL deserve better.

With love. 💜🎗️

[acrossthenewdivide]

A BREAK from the Divorce Chronicles

In my healing era. As part of the really difficult trauma processing and naming the abuse, I am watching safe things.

That includes my safe show since I was in college, Doctor Who.

So CAN I JUST SAY.

Martha Jones has some of the BEST EPISODES. Seriously. It's a travesty she was done so dirty. Also - Shakespeare? Hot AF.

[acrossthenewdivide]

The Divorce Chronicles: I Thought Leaving Was the Hardest Part

I was wrong.

I thought realizing what was happening, what I was enduring, and choosing to leave was the hardest thing I've ever done.

But no. Now that I'm safe? It's the healing. The processing. The recovery that is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Now that I'm safe, now I have to face it all. 12 years of survival mode. 12 years of abuse that I didn't realize was happening. Rewriting an entire history is more painful than I can describe.

I didn't totally believe it WAS that bad, even after moving out and what not.

Then I tried this random "Trauma release exercise" just for fun. I didn't think anything would actually happen [PhD brain = skeptic].

But what happened was unlike anything I ever could have expected.

My entire body shook violently. Completely involuntary. I was aware, I could stop it if I wanted, but it felt important to let it move through me.

It was unlike anything I've ever experienced. The trauma release - it made me violently shake and tremor until I stopped it.

There is no amount of gaslighting in the world that can explain that away.

And that's really hard to reconcile. Because it means this was really that big. This was really that painful. This was really something I endured for a long time. And accepting how big that is...its really hard.

In fact, my brain hasn't fully accepted it yet. My mind rationally understands it. My body CLEARLY is keeping receipts and showing me them. But acceptance hasn't happened yet. Supposedly because its too big to accept fully yet, and we have to do it in waves so it doesn't totally destroy me.

but its weird right? to be standing on the edge of this massive thing I know is true, but my brain hasn't integrated it yet.

So for now? We titrate this response. Every time I've attempted this release, my body's response is just as intense.

Clearly I have a lot to work through.

And that brings me to my final point. This reaction? It's not random. Violent tremors during a trauma relesease exercise isn't just from *stress*. That is prolonged, deep harm. And I'm done minimizing it.

I kept qualifying my experience.

"Yes it was abuse, but..."

"At least he didn't..."

"A form of domestic violence...."

No longer.

This was abuse. This was domestic violence. I am processing a decade of trauma.

I am a survivor.

And I'm done minimizing it for anyone else's comfort.

If they argue with me? Just watch the videos of me violently shaking because of what he did to me.

Recovery SUCKS. Acknowledging this SUCKS. Healing SUCKS. And it sucks the most that I shouldn't have to do ANY of this. I didn't cause this.

But I'll do the work anyway. Becuase the only way out is through.

With love. 💕