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@addicted-too-much
So interesting how I once thought the guy I was with before now was so awful and treated me so bad but now here I am in a 3 year long emotionally, verbally, mentally, and physically abusive relationship with someone who is a financial drain and doesn’t even care about losing me.
I’d take what I had before back in a heartbeat if it meant getting away from this current situation if I could.
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12 hours in to my toxic boyfriend moving in to my apartment and I’m already on the floor of my closet crying. How did I get here? How do I get out?
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Life really comes full circle. Here I am, 23 years old, hiding in my closet in the dark trying to hold my gasps for breath from crying so that the scary man outside won’t hear me. When I was 7, the man was my father. Now it is my boyfriend.
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Apparently I can’t ever be going through something and need to always be a source of encouragement and excitement and building you up. It doesn’t matter that I have no where to live come September, no job come June 9th, am supposed to be graduating in 10 days but don’t even know if I’m passing my classes, have no family to talk to because they’re all toxic and none are speaking to me, and have no support system because everyone has their own shit and my own boyfriend doesn’t give a shit because he is emotionally and mentally abusive.
SORRY. Oh I’m in a negative space? I’m too negative for you to talk to? Why because I’m not coddling you and saying YEAH! Go You!! Quit your stable job with benefits because a boy you knew for a few months didn’t reciprocate feelings! Yeah you TOTALLY should move halfway across the country just because someone else did even though you have no job or place to live. SHUT UP!!!
Fuck outta here with that “you’re so negative lately” shit.
How dare you call me negative and say anything about me not being what you need right now! Have you been here when I’m crying on my bathroom floor draped over the bathtub with a bottle of pills and a razor? No. Because I didn’t call you because of this exact reason. You haven’t seen shit as far as me being “negative” so FUCK YOU.
This right here is why I shut myself off from the people around me. Even the ones who say they care don’t actually give a shit.
Fuck all your bullshit.
I just want it all to stop. Please just make it all stop. I just want to stop being in so much pain. I want to stop being with a person who sees no value in me. I want to stop hating my entire being with all of my soul. I want to stop feeling like a dead person inside who is just walking around existing purely for the people around me and not myself. If I had it my way, I wouldn’t be here. I’d have finally let go. I am still here suffering in silence because I can’t bare to imagine causing any kind of pain to those around me I love who I know would be severely effected by it. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I feel as if this life is nothing but a curse I can’t wake up from. I just exist for those who I care for. Once they’re gone or don’t need me anymore I will be free. I just want to be free. Please, universe, just set me free.
Waking up is hard. Existence is hard. Breathing normally is hard. At this point it feels like there are more things that are hard for me than there are things that I enjoy. How long until they all become too hard? I don’t even know who I am anymore. It feels like I’m a shell of the person I once was. It’s like I feel nothing anymore and I’m no longer living... I’m just existing and it’s like I’m being forced to against my will. Life is hard. My brain makes normal existence like being asked to do something correctly on the spot that most people are given years to master and complete. My relationship has me trapped. My love for that person has me trapped. Despite all the screaming, the throwing of things, the name calling, the threats, the anger, the days spent hiding in the bathroom crying, I can’t get myself to walk away. I still love that person. Despite taking money from me that I don’t have to spare, sending me out to get his vice even though I barely have time to make sure to eat, watching me do outdoor labor for him that involves causing physical pain to my body while he watches from the comforts of my home, wasting my food, I can’t walk away. Someone who doesn’t love me has complete control over me which kills me inside. How did I get here? When did I become this weak person? When did I become so pathetic? And then my family who isn’t a family has turned their back on me as well. What is happening? What is this life? What is my purpose? Why am I here being made to go through this when I don’t want it? Everything is so hard.
I don’t remember the last time I was this unhappy.
You can’t get mad at me for crying if I do it in the shower. You don’t even know it happened.
I found my escape.
I absolutely love this man with all of my heart. Things aren't always perfect but no relationship is. We have our problems too. Things used to be really hard. I honestly didn't think we were going to make it but we made it past that post-honeymoon phase where things get really difficult around 6 months. I was so worried. People kept telling me to walk away and that it wasn't worth it but they didn't know him the way I do. He may not have always said the kindest things or acted in the kindest ways but he loved me and I knew it. His heart is kind and loving but he has a hard time admitting his faults. We used to fight but now, instead of blaming me for the whole thing, he works towards trying to understand me and works towards fixing it. Thursday night he had a show and that night he showed me just how much he loved me. I ended up passing out because I didn't eat or drink a lot of water but I had a really strong drink. By the time we got back to his studio with his friends, I was definitely buzzed. We were all smoking and vibing and I was sitting up on the desk and he was in front of me. I told him I felt like I was about to pass out and he immediately tried to help me out of the room. Before we could get out the door, I passed out. He and his friend helped carry me to the other room and the couch. I was so beyond embarrassed. I guess he tried to catch me but I ended up falling and my elbow landed on his wrist. He kicked his friends out and rushed to get me food and water. He fed me and held the cup while rubbing my back. He couldn't stop apologizing for my arm and that it got hurt but there was no reason. He made sure I didn't hit my head on the concrete which is the most important thing. He took care of me and made me feel safe. I may have been worried once before but I'm not anymore. This man truly loves me and would do anything to make sure I'm okay. I love him with all of my heart and I didn't think that would ever happen for me. He has his faults but we all do so I won't hold them against him.
This makeup tho
This makeup tho