[addisolation]

sideblog for shit I need to consider about my behaviors

[ix-the-hermit]

Buying food and material posessions in an endless bid for dopamine only to let them rot and collect dust

[olfpoststoomuch]

sometimes something happens and i feel this sort of... as if something inside me is shaking me vigorously to react and i don't do that. like something deep in me is very upset but i can't feel it? like someone trying to talk to me through noise cancellation? some other times, something will happen and i will feel some sort of inexplicable discomfort that i can't put my finger on and it kind of reminds me of some kind of very stunted anxiety? like a very unjustified, deep dissatisfaction or a sort of hurt (but not really hurt, something vaguely resembling it), but only physically? like it is literally happening inside my body, and my mind is just... not computing? idk. most times neither will happen, but sometimes it's weird like that

[olfpoststoomuch]

boredom with life that is starting to sound a lot like "dye your hair do a billion piercings lose a limb go blind and get a glass eye get violently ill get kidnapped go skydiving". like nothing matters anymore. i feel like i would do shit just to do something. even bad experiences sound like experiences and well... i only have one life so maybe i should just experience everything, hm? nothing reaches me so it's like screaming into the void. nothing. why? why not? it's really just a question of whether something comes to me or i have to go out to find it because i can't be bothered. i want nothing and i am opposed to nothing in regards to me or my body. just don't make me talk to others

[olfpoststoomuch]

i think sometimes when i am in a new situation and everything is marginally more interesting because it is new i can get into this more social persona during which i dissociate so bad. i literally don't remember anything from these periods. and then it wears off and i feel so disgusted and contaminated. also when i don't see people often, i can almost convince myself that i'm actually normal, because look, the people i speak two sentences per day with don't actually bother me much... even though i still teleport home immediately and never think of them again until the next day. even if we are texting, i don't really compute that this is the same person that exists in the physical world. it's weird