olf off main

tbh i think i might be schizoid so i started another sideblog in some sort of sudden fit

[olfpoststoomuch]

ok new blog that probably nobody will see but i'm still a real person and i'm not a bot and you can follow and ask but i have unlocked a new genre of thoughts i won't have on my main so here i am, i don't mean to offend anyone, i don't mean to assume, i don't mean anything and i don't really want anything tbh i'm just here ok

[olfpoststoomuch]

it's so good to be alone and excluded and in my home all day

[olfpoststoomuch]

whenever i think that something might harm me in some way i think to myself "good, let it" and i can remember this starting probably before i was 15 so idk what to make of it lowkey

[olfpoststoomuch]

i don't think i actually have any... negative ideas about other people. like, i don't think most people are evil or would use others for their gains. granted, i don't think the opposite, either. i just don't think about people much. a lot of the time, i kind of over-estimate people's rationality because i don't interact with many people and i am completely out of the loop with some social customs, so i just assume that if i can be rational, surely others can, also. that being said, i do generally just assume that people are pretty simple and kind of primitive, and i do include myself in this equation, except that i understand this and other people seem to think they're basically gods. so idk, i don't usually distrust people, and sometimes i think i come across as naive. but really it's because i rarely remember to think about possible risks, simply because i don't care much about them. like could i be attacked late at night outside? probably, but that won't occur to me beforehand because my safety means little to me. so it's not really that i expect people will be good and then they are not. it's more that i forget that people exist, and then they usually annoy me when i see them

[faintlyhauntedsanctuary]

Why does nobody ever talk about the worst part of SzPD. How you can be incapable of doing even the things you want to do the most because you can't want to do anything. Even the most important things in your life have zero importance to you. Nothing can make you motivated. I fucking hate anhedonia and avolition. It is ruining my life.

[olfpoststoomuch]

Actually attributed a whole lot of stuff to being asexual, like I somehow assumed that if I don't want to have sex then it made sense that I also didn't want some non-sexual bonds. Like I would see pictures of actors being really friendly off screen and I would think "Yeah but I'm asexual so I wouldn't like this closeness" when they weren't being sexual? Someone would suggest I was really close to someone and I would think "no I'm asexual" like you can't be close in other ways. The worst is that I actually propagate platonic love a lot and I don't see anything as inherently sexual so it isn't like this "no homo" take from me. It's more like I just lumped my general disinterest with my sexual disinterest and assumed they were supposed to coincide.

[cluster-a-culture]

szpd culture is neglecting your own values because they just aren’t fundamentally applicable in the real world. nobody wants someone who disagrees with everything. I feel like I’m just barely tolerating everything and nothing is for me

[olfpoststoomuch]

i feel like my consciousness is constantly buzzing with this empty echoing like i find myself in silence and i am thinking nothing, but it feels loud at the same time, and it feels like time is standing still and so am i and i am not going anywhere or doing anything but everything is so hazy and blurry and it's hard to "see" through it

[cluster-a-culture]

szpd culture is seeing niceties as a chore. i view checking in on people as the average person would view doing the dishes. its something i absolutely dont want to do, but i do it anyway because i have to; its just an obligation. i see no reason to text anyone first or hang out with anyone, but i do because thats just how you uphold friendships. i loathe the idea of my life always looking like this, but thats just how it has to be. i do it anyway.

i dont comfort people because i like it, or because i find it easy. the morality of it isnt even what me doing it hinges on. i just do it anyway. i hate it just as much as i hate being the one comforted, but i still do it. i commit myself to everything it takes to keep the people in my life and maybe one day i’ll find a proper reason to. for now though its working out in my favor and thats all i really care about

[olfpoststoomuch]

sometimes something happens and i feel this sort of... as if something inside me is shaking me vigorously to react and i don't do that. like something deep in me is very upset but i can't feel it? like someone trying to talk to me through noise cancellation? some other times, something will happen and i will feel some sort of inexplicable discomfort that i can't put my finger on and it kind of reminds me of some kind of very stunted anxiety? like a very unjustified, deep dissatisfaction or a sort of hurt (but not really hurt, something vaguely resembling it), but only physically? like it is literally happening inside my body, and my mind is just... not computing? idk. most times neither will happen, but sometimes it's weird like that

[hammersys]

✦　˚ SzPD (Schizoid personality disorder) Resources

All of the links below are either resources, research, and/or tips/help for people with SzPD (Schizoid Personality disorder). Join our Discord server (14-20)!

This post was requested by @cloak-of-stars-and-flowers on Tumblr !

Found any outdated links, or any links that include misinformation? Please let me know!

✦ Resources/Miscellaneous

Do you know anything about symptoms-signs of co-morbid depression and schizoid personality disorder?

How can I stop self-hatred and intrusive thoughts?

Having low empathy does not make you..

You are not evil for..

r/schizoid, on Reddit

✦ About SzPD

SzPD: Symptoms and characteristics

A collection of SzPD resources (Recommended)

SzPD resource masterlist (Recommended)

Cluster A personality disorders (includes SzPD)

Lay summary of academic literature (SzPD)

Can you explain the SzPD symptoms?

SzPD: Symptoms and causes

Similarities and differences between Schizoid PD and other disorders likely to be confused with it

Overview of SzPD (without having to read a whole book for it)

✦ Recovery Resources

How to cope with SzPD

To those of you in therapy for SzPD, what does your treatment plan look like? What have you achieved (or what do you hope to achieve) as a result of it?

SzPD and recovery

Living with SzPD

What does recovery look like for people with personality disorders?

✦ (SzPD) Safe blogs/Informational Blogs

@funnier-with-szpd

@cluster-a-culture

@schizoid-culture-is

@cluster-a-pds

@schizoidsuggestions (Responds to many asks that may help!)

@personality-disorder-archive

@shitborderlinesdo

BEFORE YOU COMMENT: Everybody can use my resources, but keep discourse/syscourse out of our comments. Our anti-endo tag exists for personal interaction. Asks are anti-endo, etc, but as I've said, resources are for all.

[chartnumber3]

i go in these waves of "schizoid-esque but i can still do some things i like and mask well when needed and such" and theres this other phase i go through where i just cannot care about anything to a point where the fabric of reality is very thin for me and nothing helps me feel like a person whatsoever. devoid of passion, motivation or anything and so so bored, even more than before. its like im a ghost, but even then ghosts can be depicted to feel things, more or less. disassociation also spikes when this happens. i try to make myself feel anything but its as if i never had the ability to feel any emotion at all.

im currently in this completely emotionless state right now. i dont know what happened . i can describe my lack of feeling as identical to a psychopath's lack of feeling when in this state. i feel sterile of spirit and like cardboard

[olfpoststoomuch]

so often i look around at my life and i literally cannot tell you how i got to this point. who are these people? what is this city? since when is this my apartment? where did i buy this? why? how long has this been this way? and not in a literal sense, i don't *literally* not know. but i don't know. like i wasn't there

[olfpoststoomuch]

in some way, i don't "want" to be alone, i am alone. like, yes, i don't want other people around me or all up in my business, but the reason why that's difficult is because people are inherently different from me. nobody really understands me and nobody gets my needs and preferences. so by that logic, i am alone either way. by just being the way that i am, i am already alone and i can't really be fully not alone, no matter what

[girlzoid]

existentialism isn't enough anymore i need to speak to a higher power

[olfpoststoomuch]

i get unreasonably (and i do think of it as unreasonable) annoyed when people drop the "you don't know until you try" or "you never know!" because i do know. i do know and it annoys me to be constantly reminded of just how unaware of themselves everyone is. like what do you mean you are like 30 years old and you couldn't decipher if you would like a meal or an activity before you tried it, like you're a literal infant incapable of thinking ahead and you have to shove everything into your mouth to try it? i do know. sometimes i wish i were wrong but usually i know very well what is and what isn't for me.

[solisquare]

Realized where some self deception comes in. Once I became aware that the desire to connect is not nonexistent for me, just cut out of my awareness a lot of the time, because I could reach and feel that desire when safe enough on my own, I started telling myself I want to connect.

I identify with it, I think it, I express it shallowly sometimes, and yet in the next moment, if someone real speaks to me I still go and lie without a thought and automatically do everything to make them lose interest, because in the moment I genuinely believe they are a threat, holding my breath til it's over, I don't want to be near them for more than a few moments. I could be feeling like I'm dying and still not make a sound because I wouldn't want them to know, I just can't fathom help or safety coming from another human being. I've only experienced it as a gift I give myself by getting away from everyone. Logically I know it's not the truth, I know safety can be found between people, but my entire being feels the opposite. Yet I've been lying to myself, my actions not matching my thoughts, just because I want connection when it has the distance of being just a concept. The truth is I don't want to connect when there's a real chance in front of me, but I want to be able to, and I need to stop confusing the two if I want any progress in feeling more alive. My first instinct in any situation is never to connect, it's to shield anything I can from them, to maintain distance. And then I lament to myself that I never feel safe, that I'm never relaxed, when I keep assuming no one is safe and treating them as such, so I disqualify any possible proof of safety before I've even tried.

I feel more divided than when I first developed schizoid traits and would tell myself stories that I just liked to be alone and wanted and needed nothing. There's no internal consistency now, I think or believe one thing, and do another.