[additionalbeans]

I never actually ended up doing anything about this side blog when I stopped using it 6 months ago.

I don’t spend as much time on tumblr now as I did then, though I’ve been on quite a lot these past couple weeks.

Back then I started swimming on the regular for the first time in like 10 years, which in combination with finally seeking physical therapy for my joint problems became a sort of gateway into me spending regular time at the gym. I’m not body-building or anything, but I’m in much better shape. I just started specifically working on upper body strength. I’d like to be able to do 10 pull-ups without a counter-weight assist, and free handstand. Still asthmatic. Still can’t do high impact, but at least I understand that better. I finally started seeing a therapist about my anxiety and depression, and these days, I keep a physical journal, instead of screaming my woes into the void of the internet. I actually started doing that before I saw the therapist, so I showed up on day-one with notes and a bulleted list. Things got darker before they got better, and I still feel pretty shitty about my last semester, where I just scraped by. I still graduated, though, last month, cum laude, for whatever that’s worth.

Now I’m just taking the time to get at the things I’ve been neglecting for ages. Getting my 15 year old glasses prescription updated. The change isn’t as big as you might expect, and I’m still not blind. I need glasses to drive, though, and I have decided to jump back on that (proverbial) horse. My unwillingness and fear of driving is a big hurdle blocking a lot of opportunities for me. I could do a lot more work to try to maintain this pedestrian lifestyle, but I don’t want to have to make compromises when making choices moving forward. I don’t know why I was compelled to write like... an update (update!) or whatever, but that’s it, basically. Life’s not amazing, but it sure does keep going. Short-term struggles in the past have a way of getting buried, or weathered down smooth. Hopefully I’ll be driving, gainfully employed (career relevant) and be doing hand-stands 6 months from now, and some day after that I’ll hardly remember why I got hung up on the little stuff for so long.

[additionalbeans]

Spent the last few days at my parents. Decided to spend my time playing zelda instead of mindlessly checking into social media the whole time. Saw Star Wars on Friday, I enjoyed it, even if it was kinda campy. I had to bit back laughter during a couple scenes that were supposed to be serious. Except one of those scenes I thought was gonna be serious, and I was gonna laugh at a weird CGI effect, but then it turned out to be a kinda goofy, endearing scene.

I won’t spoil any of that here, even though maybe 2 people actually see these posts. I’m thinking of making a separate blog for personal posts and archiving this whole blog. I don’t expect people to follow me on there. I just need a place to write out my thoughts, and I feel like posting it forces me to think critically about what I’m writing... kinda.

[additionalbeans]

Thought about walking to the movie theater like a mile and a half away to go see coco, but it was below 40 degrees outside, so I walked to the Gym I pay mandatory school fees for every year and never use. I stayed in the water for like an hour and a half straight.

I should probably make a habit of this. I’ve been getting real inactive lately because of my joint pain, and it’s so unpleasant to go outside in the winter anyway, so I really need something to do. Swimming’s really low impact, and even if I’m just moving my arms and legs around, not really trying to be “athletic,” I’m still getting a decent workout. Actually, probably better, since I think proper form swimming it meant to conserve energy, whereas what I’m doing is... highly inefficient!

I’ve never been really formally trained to swim. I just spent a lot of time at a pool every summer for like 8 years of my youth. I have never had much trouble keeping my head above water, but I probably look foolish to anyone who has any enthusiasm for swimming. I certainly don’t feel graceful.

[additionalbeans]

I think I need a more healthy way to make and maintain social connections. I really dislike facebook. I feel like the few important connections I maintain on there are held hostage by the site. I could probably just let go of that stuff. I don't think I've forged strong enough bonds with any of those people that they would be specifically hurt by my absence in their lives, and my life wouldn't change much either. It's all very superficial stuff. My inability to make and maintain deep personal connections is the cause of my loneliness, and certainly part to blame for my misery. These superficial ties are not a replacement, but I don't know what I'm even looking for. I'm certainly not finding it on Facebook, though.

[additionalbeans]

Fuck yeah, mother fuckers.

[additionalbeans]

Got through another day. Went to my final forge class. I have uninstalled all games from my phone, and set my phone browsers not to keep me logged onto social media. I still couldn't fucking sleep last night. I got probably 3 hours at the start of the night, when I laid down. I was dead tired. But even that sleep wasn't very deep. I was waking up a bit every now and then. After that, I was just woke as hell. My mind was a theater, playing through every recent fuck up, every cause of anxiety. I ran out of despair, and it just became enfuriating. I have one more major project to finish. Due Friday. I need to work on it tonight. I'm dead tired. I'm starting to develop a head cold. I already have been having bad stomach upset, which is draining what little energy I can get from sleeping. It's been a shitty semester for my health, so I guess it would be anticlimactic to get better at the end of the semester. I made a doctor's appt. about a month ago, soonest thing I could get is a month from now. Love that shitty, shitty insurance. Being poor in this uncaring fuck of a country is a real blast. A hootenanny. I feel like I'm going to crumble soon.

[additionalbeans]

Aight time to log out of social media for this next 24 hour crunch. And then the 60 or so hour crunch after that. What I mean is. I ain't dead, and if you see me online before Friday afternoon, shame me. Peace.

[jerryterry]

[additionalbeans]

another list of grievances, I guess

Committed by myself, against myself.

I didn’t sleep great last night, despite being about as tired as I could be when I finally laid down around 11pm. Part of it was that I was so out of it, I had lost my appetite, but I was starving and had to just give up, get out of bed and eat something at 2am... and then again at like 3. My stomach was upset the whole day yesterday from not sleeping, and eating snack foods to sustain myself. (My idea of snack foods is still fairly healthy. I just have a weak constitution and no desire to develop a tolerance for eating trash.)

I’m just sitting here today, I didn’t get out of bed until almost noon. I have work to do. Finals to finish. God I’m so uncomfortable. My right hand is still feeling tender and swollen, for no known reason, as it has been for like 2 weeks.

My right knee is in pain too.

My stomach still feels hollow and uneasy, though I’ve eaten 2 meals already since waking up.

I don’t talk about it much, because I’m such a big fucking advocate for my friends not killing themselves, and I don’t want to seem like a fucking hypocrite, but I think about dying a lot. I don’t write it out. I don’t say it out loud. I don’t acknowledge it. It’s not a suicidal desire. It’s just like... a sick, intrusive thought. I think about getting run through a lot. I think about just letting it happen, when I think about it. I think that at any moment, all the fight could go out of me. I think about that feeling of resignation. I think about it when I can’t seem to manage like a normal human being. I think about it when I think about how people hold me in some esteem, but I can’t understand why, especially since the respect of my peers doesn’t seem to make things easier, doesn’t seem to make me wanted. People don’t seem to think of me as a person who continues to exist unobserved. People don’t seem interested. So I don’t open up. I don’t talk about my feelings, same as how I don’t talk about my guarded thoughts. I just vomit them up on a long as text post, half hoping that noone actually takes the time to read all of it.

Everyone’s lonely. I’m not special. Even people with tons of friends are lonely. Why else would anyone go though the trouble? It’s one of them there, selfish genes. I guess I’m fucking human after all, and trust me, I’ve worried that I’m some kind of sociopath. I don’t know that it would hurt so much if I was.

So anyway, how about those video games?

[additionalbeans]

Soon I can sleep

That ain’t a vaguepost about like... death. I am just very tired, and wary of sleeping too early.

[additionalbeans]

my presentation was a blatantly google image search fueled joke machine.

and it worked

[additionalbeans]

knives

Sorry, this isn’t nearly as interesting as you were expecting. You ought to know better by now. As a person who is fascinated with the tradition of functional art, knifemaking and ornamented, fancy knifes hold some interest for me. Especially highly functional, simple knives. Like... those fancy japanese kitchen knives? Nice.

I know there’s some money to be made in the trade of knife manufacturing, and I’ve been having fun forging steel (It’s a lot easier than I expected, which isn’t to say easy.) but IDK if I’d want to get into making knives for other people. I’d be too worried they’d hurt themselves, someone else, or some animal with it (Sport hunters love them some fancy knives. Though they probably aren’t gonna use that knife to kill an animal, now that I think about it.)

And I don’t really know what use I have for fancy knives in my life. I do most wood working with gouges and chisels. Never knives. I never cut anything in the kitchen that really requires a sharp blade, though a nice dough lame might be nice. I’m only making a knife right now because it’s easier than making what I originally wanted to make, which was custom blacksmithing tongs. Still, there’s something about the shapes and profiles of these things. Subtle curves, obvious function, and a deep, widespread cultural significance, with many forms and meaningful visual variations. It’s the same kind of stuff that makes me interested in pottery. Of fuck, I just rambled my way into a starting point for an artist statement. Nice.

[additionalbeans]

Haha. I wrote an introduction statement for a seminar class last year, and so many of my long winded classmates went over that I never even got to read. It was kinda dissapointing, even though I was nervous about it, because I did all that emotional preparation and it just felt anticlimactic. Because noone ever heard it, I can probably cannibalize and rework that for my artist presentation. Nice.

[additionalbeans]

I learned this morning (wednesday) that I have a 10 presentation due Friday that I was supposed supposed to be thinking about for the whole semester. I clearly did not.

[orcpiss-deactivated20181220]

[Has (1) ask]

[From a cherished mutual]

[additionalbeans]

I just need to survive through finals. I can hang on through the second half of December. Then I'll see a doctor. But god damn. I had a shitty thanksgiving break. I worked for a good chunk of it, or else I barely left my bed. My fucking hand are even hurting now. It's so hard to fall asleep. I have to get upe early to go help run a kiln at like 8 in the morning. I'll be lucky to get 4 hours tonight. I might just blow off going to the forge tomorrow afternoon on the grounds that I am in pain. Except I like forging, so I probably won't. God knows I probably shouldn't play with hot iron on 4 hours sleep, though.

[additionalbeans]

Would it be for desperation, in misery? Saying, “I cannot take this any more.” Or an indignant scream of protest, shouted into the void? Saying, “I will not take this any more.”

I could never do it anyway. I care too much, and there’s too much unwritten. Damp, wet, late fall weather just has me feeling those arthritic blues. Ordered some compression sleeves for my knees and some long compression socks. I usually don’t like skin tight shit, but I need to try something for the pain. Maybe it’ll at least give me some sort of placebo.