─── 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒
+ itoshi sae x f!reader | wc 4k | content: angst, best friends to lovers to strangers type beat, i did not proof this besties
notes: lmao me , thinking i could get away from this man . guess who’s back with more sae ??? <3
summary: you’re the one sae can’t get over. he’s beginning to think he never will.
the freshly cooked bread is on the floor. it litters the nice marble tiles. the chit of paper with the order writes mr. rin hatoki.
“i'm tired of this, sae.”
sae doesn't say a word. he's listless, sitting on the kitchen table, staring at his own reflection on the glass, wondering where it all went wrong.
“why don't you love me anymore?”
it's weird. he can hear the sorrow. he can feel the pain. yet he feels nothing.
“what does she have that i don’t?”
maybe you're right. maybe he's an asshole. maybe this is his punishment.
the first time sae laid eyes on you, you were five and he was six.
he saw you playing with rin on the slides, and he remembers the way you smiled at him when rin told you sae was his older brother.
and even back then, even if it was a tiny crush based on superficial reasons like how sae liked your smile or your eyes or the way your hands felt on his when you locked hands and forced him to play with you and rin, he remembers you mocking rin and calling sae nii-chan.
sae remembers how he cringed inside because no. no no, he didn’t want you calling him that because that wasn’t what he wanted you to know him for. he didn’t know what he wanted exactly, but definitely not an older brother.
"itoshi-kun!"
“sae,” he corrected you, watching as you ran up to him on the field.
he loved the soft smile you wore on when you heard him. he especially loved the first time you said his name.
“sae.”
the first time he saw you cry, it was when you scraped your knee after some boys accidentally pushed you over.
you were nine.
sae scared them away afterwards.
you weren’t exactly sobbing—he found out you were funny like that, like you wanted to cry but didn’t want to let anyone see. but it was frustrating because sae wasn’t just anyone. or so he liked to think.
“get on,” sae told you, getting down on one knee with his back turned to you.
“what?” you sniffled, vision still blurry from your would-be tears.
sae craned his neck to look back at you, a faint smile on his face. “come on, i’ll carry you home.”
“i’m not weak, you know,” you argued, and sae would’ve told you to just accept his offer when he realised you already did, obediently climbing onto his back and wrapping your arms around his neck.
it was a relatively silent walk back. sae could hear the rapid beating of your heart though.
maybe it was a tiny crush too. the kind that stuck with you for three years and four months and threatened to stick with you for the rest of your life.
“hey, sae?”
“hm?”
a pregnant pause. you held him tighter before ultimately loosening your grip.
“mm, nothing.”
sae really wanted to hear you. but he let it go.
it was torture, really—you were fifteen when you got your first boyfriend. some guy called oliver aiku. who looked way too old for you, by the way, but fine, if you said he was only a year older than sae, who was he to question you?
sae hated it, really. watching you at the swings, laughing along with him, watching oli feed you ice cream. and you said oliver was a good striker too? sae bet he was better.
what did he have that sae didn’t?
and sae thought he’d love to witness the day when the two of you broke up. but he never counted on the fact that you’d be a mess when your heart was broken.
you ignored sae and rin for a couple of weeks, choosing to stay isolated, refusing to see anyone. you weren’t even replying sae’s texts.
[17:34] hey y/n, pick up the phone, idiot.
[17:34] rin misses you.
okay so that last part was a lie, but it was fine, rin didn’t have to find out.
[17:35] hey sae. :)
[17:35] hmm… so you don’t miss me?
sae had to do a double take at your text. since when did you become this cheeky? he didn’t even know why he was suppressing a smile.
it took him less than a minute before he got up.
[17:36] maybe.
[17:37] be at your place in 10, let’s get ice cream.
funny how he wanted to replace all of oliver’s memories. sae wanted you to lick the ice cream that he was holding. sae wanted you to play on the swings with him. everything him, no other stupid boys who would make you cry, who didn’t deserve you.
that was exactly what sae did—asked you what you did with oliver. you’d answer him, and he’d do the exact same with you, and he’d rewrite all the memories you thought would be so hard to forget, the very same memories you thought would be impossible to replace. yet sae did it, replaced the bad with the good.
sae wasn’t a mind reader, he couldn’t tell what you were thinking as he got you ice cream and fed it to you, couldn’t tell if you liked how he walked with his arm around your shoulder. couldn’t tell if you knew what he was doing.
he wished that you knew how he felt—then that’d make one of you. because sae had no clue.
“hey, sae?”
“hm?”
he got deja vu there.
and this time, you continued.
“do you do this for other girls too?”
sae nearly choked on that question because no, he didn’t do nearly as much for other people in general. you were the only one he’d ever put this much effort to.
“no.”
he can still remember your little smile to this day. it was pretty, even prettier since it was because of him. it was like a silent knowledge you both shared—you didn’t want him to do that for other girls, and he didn’t want to share you with other boys.
simple, but complicated. complicated because you were both shit at feelings and shit at admitting but it was still beautiful, if only because neither of you ever strayed.
back then.
“what about a house?”
“i’ll buy you the nicest, cosiest one there is.”
“anywhere in the world?”
sae nodded. “anywhere you want.”
“i want to open a bakery one day. you gonna help me with that?”
“i’ll help you with anything you want.”
you giggled. “yeah? you and what money, sae?”
he rolled his eyes, resting his head against his palm, elbow propped up on your study table. “when i become the best soccer player in the world, genius.”
sae flicked your forehead gently, as he remembers he liked to, smiling softly when you winced in faux pain.
it’s funny how comfortable he felt talking about shit like that with you, only half-joking. it was an innocent conversation on how sae said he would be able to take care of you when you were both older. even if it wasn’t his place, even if he wasn’t even your boyfriend yet then.
“oh? so i’ll get the world’s best soccer player itoshi sae all to myself?”
it all sounded dreamy and attainable when you were both eighteen and sitting on cloud nine. when the both of you were dreamers with rose tinted glasses and honeyed tongues to match.
“is that a confession, y/n l/n?”
he remembers he caught you off guard. he knew because the way you behaved when you were flustered was already ingrained in his mind. the way you fumbled over your words, the way you couldn’t hold eye contact, the way you made him melt with how you seemed so vulnerable for a split second.
“what if it was?”
that was the first time you ever managed to render him speechless. only because of how honest you were being. only because sae wanted you to want him and you did and then he was reduced to some infatuated idiot.
“good, me too.”
and maybe that was his first mistake. when he didn’t make sure you knew he wanted you for more than just that moment, that he had wanted you for a long time coming.
maybe that was the first in line for the domino effect.
life hit hard and fast by the time sae made a name for himself as one of the best midfielders in the world. he opened his eyes and saw that japan was not for him—he wanted more for himself, for his career.
sae wanted to move. and at the time, he wanted to bring you with him.
“how’s spain?”
it was the usual call the two of you had—a routine set in place because sae found he’d miss you too much if he didn’t hear from you for a while. it sucked that he couldn’t bring you with him now, not when he wasn’t best yet and not when you had a degree to finish.
“great, i play in the official match tomorrow, starting eleven.”
mundane updates about each other’s lives. he’d tell you about his soccer trainings and you’d fill him in on school. but for sae, it wasn’t enough. so he took a leap of faith this time, he was sure what he wanted.
“hey, what if we moved out here next time?” sae asked, cutting you off.
you stuttered, flustered and overwhelmed. in hindsight, maybe asking you that sort of thing when the both of you weren’t even officially together was kind of a stretch.
but sae had been sure at that point of time.
“there’s a lot to consider, sae.”
it was that tricky line where you were both more than friends but less than lovers and sae knew that over the phone wasn’t the ideal place to do it but he didn’t want to drag it on any longer.
“i mean, we’re not even together and we’re both just still kids, and—”
“then be mine.”
“i- what?”
for the first time, he was thinking about the future. and it had to be with you. he couldn’t imagine it another way. and when you agreed to be his that day, when you agreed you’d consider it for the future, sae was happier than he let on.
for the first time, the future was a little clearer. become the best midfielder, find a good forward worthy of his passes, and when all that was done and dusted, he’d always come back to you at the end of the day.
sae had thought hard about it.
but evidently not hard enough.
reality hit like a truck.
because fast forward five years into the future and you had moved out to spain to be with sae, your future husband, the diamond ring nestled comfortably on your finger.
moving in with sae was fun, exciting. it was a new place, new continent, new start. sae was with you every step of the way, choosing the house, choosing the furniture. turned out, being one of the most in-demand soccer players paid way too well.
what sae never considered was the gravity of what he asked you to do—uproot your entire life to be with him. you were both still young and full of life and loved seeking thrills and you both failed to grasp what the consequences would be.
it was harder than you bargained; adjusting to the new country, learning a new language, making new friends and learning the culture. sae was a pivotal part of your support system, but sometimes he didn’t have a choice; he couldn’t be there for you a hundred percent. he had soccer, contracts to fulfil, people to please. you needed him more than you realised.
and when you moved in together, both of you saw sides to one another you never really saw before. like how you get frustrated when sae messes the entire bedroom up after you spent the entire day cleaning the mansion. or how sae shut down whenever he was having doubts about his team, his plays.
it was difficult. but it still worked.
for a while.
but arguments were getting more frequent. and sae forgot why he did this in the first place. maybe you should’ve spoken up more too, whenever something bothered you, then maybe you wouldn’t have felt this resentful.
you blamed sae for asking you to move out here. but it was what you wanted too.
it got to a point where there was an animosity between the both of you that you couldn’t handle. the type that made you sad because somehow sae turned into someone you didn’t even recognise.
“where’d you go last night?”
sae sighed, like you were a bother, but really you weren’t. he was just being a dick. it was never okay to just abandon your fiancé at home all because of a dumb fight which he couldn’t even remember by now.
“stayed over at the captain’s,” was all he told you. didn’t even bother explaining.
he wishes he did, then maybe you’d stop getting the idea that this relationship had hit a dead end.
“is that what we’re going to do now? just leave the other one alone, not talk when we fight?” you were soft, because you were tired. you’d been tired for a while.
you were tired. sae lost track of himself. everything was a mess and neither of you had the capability to handle it. sae was thinking maybe he made a mistake, and you were thinking it wasn’t too late to turn back. he couldn’t be bothered to remember how you got here in the first place, and he missed all the signs you gave him.
how you had stayed up late just to wait up for him whenever he had practice. how you agreed to be with him through everything and kept a smile on your face even when things were hard on you personally. how you cooked for two even when sae said he wouldn’t have time for dinners at home, just in case.
he’s sorry; you thought of him way too much, and he didn’t give you enough.
“sae, say something, please?” you were on the verge of tears, and he was on the verge of giving up.
sae knows what you wanted to hear now. but back then, he didn’t. he was too pressed on his own feelings that he just couldn’t find it in himself to think for you.
“what do you want me to say?”
you sat next to him on the couch, and he could hear you sniffling. he didn’t turn to look at you, didn’t ask about you, didn’t try to console you. for his own good. because he thought he knew where it was going, and it was better if he didn’t.
“sae… do you still want this?”
that was the first time he was unsure. because what he knew was that there was no one else for him. there was only you. he wanted only you, but everything turned out like this and he felt conflicted, tired.
he just wasn’t sure.
“i don’t know.”
but that was as good of an answer to you as any.
you’d watched him over the years. you’d tolerated all of his misgivings, you’d watched him train even when he was injured, even when you begged him to rest. you’d supported him throughout everything. you were everything to him, but at that moment, sae failed to tell you, and you couldn’t hold on to something that seemed so futile, something that was hanging on by a single thread.
something that might’ve snapped at any moment.
the next day, all sae woke up to was the engagement ring on his bedpost and your absence from his life.
it’s been another five years since then.
sae’s back in japan. for some reason.
no, not some. just one. just you.
to think that up until now, sae still thinks of you. you’re always there somehow, in his memories. when he scores a goal, he still instinctively looks for your face in the crowd. when people interview him and ask him about possible partners, his first thought is your name. when he goes on his socials, he looks for you first. it’s habit.
sae’s jealous, still. even after four years apart. he still loves you. he’s still stupid. he’s still too late.
you’re happy now, if your posts are any indication. you live with him too. sae sometimes wishes he was him. then maybe he’d get to feel you again, be around you, hover over you and annoy you to no end. maybe he’d get to hear you call his name again.
but that’s a long shot.
you’re about to be mrs mikage soon. reo’s a lucky guy, whoever the fuck he is. sae hates him, but it’s biased. he’s probably good to you. he helped you build that bakery you always wanted, after all.
the bakery sae always orders from under a fake name because he doesn’t know whether you hate him and he’d rather not risk it. it’s the only way he knows how to hold on to you, to still feel close to you.
so he’s mr. rin hatoki.
“tell me!”
his girlfriend’s voice is shrill, it brings him back to the present, to his current predicament. to the fact that he’s been trying to put you in the past, but he’s not able to. and she knows it, too. she’s not dumb.
she probably stalked you ever since she first started dating him. she probably knew all along that the breakfasts sae buys for her is his pathetic excuse to just support your business. she probably knew that from the start, she stood no chance against you.
“i beg you, sae,” she’s crying now, and sae feels bad for regressing to this state, to hurting other people but most of all, he feels bad for flat out wishing she was you. “just break my heart already if you’re going to do it.”
two years with her down the drain. because he can’t forget about you.
sae doesn’t even look up at her because he’s filled with the vision of you smiling in his head. that’s all he’s staring at.
she asked what you had that she didn’t. and sae only knows the one answer is his heart.
“you’ll never be her.”
sae stares at you from the driver’s seat. he’s parked on the opposite side of the road, it should be safely tucked away enough that you won’t notice.
you’re closing up. you look like an angel. you’re dawdling, slowly mopping up the floors, your hair so messy and you’re still so perfect.
he wants to go there, wants to run to you and hug you, wants to grip onto you and take back what he lost. but he of all people knows that’s impossible. so he stays in his driver’s seat, stays in his fantasies, stays away from you.
maybe he should just drive away. maybe he should stop pining for you. this is stupid.
especially stupid when he sees your future husband pull up and run up the sidewalk, runs into your arms, carries you and spins you around and presses a kiss onto your perfect nose.
sae can only vaguely make out what he’s saying.
“have a surprise for you at home, baby.”
and sae can’t tell what you said, but he can tell you love him by the slow, affectionate kiss you give him, the way you wrap your arms around his neck and laugh against each other’s lips.
“wait here for a bit, yeah?” reo tells you, and you nod, obedient.
it’s like a drug, now that he’s here, sae wants to stay and watch the show play out to the end. he watches as you store away your broom and mops and as reo walks back to his car—wait, no, fuck, he’s walking to sae’s car.
fuck fuck fuck.
reo makes sure you’re back in your bakery and out of view before he smiles at sae. “i’m very honoured that a world-class soccer player is stalking us,” reo beams at him the moment sae winds down his windows. “wanna go over there and talk to her?”
he definitely knows of your history with sae. it doesn’t bother him though, apparently. not if he’s offering sae the chance to talk to you, and alone, by the looks of it.
sae’s not really sure what he’s doing, taking reo up on his offer. he walks through the doors to your bakery and the shopkeeper’s bell rings, inciting you to spin around, expecting reo, but your eyes widen when you see sae there instead, sheepishly standing there, staring dumbly at you.
“sae,” you call his name, breathlessly. “w-what’re you doing here?”
“i… don’t know.”
he doesn’t. zero clue. fuck.
you’re not smiling, you’re apprehensive, you’re still in shock as to why itoshi sae didn’t contact you ever since you left him and why he chose now of all times to show up. there’s tears in the corners of your eyes and he knows you’re trying not to let them fall. the corners of your mouth try not to but they form a small frown.
“i just wanted to tell you…” sae trails off because he starts to remember everything.
he remembers five years old and you on the slides. he remembers your nii-chan and how he hated it. he remembers your smile and him being lovestruck and pathetic. he remembers making you happy and then making you sad, going from everything you loved to everything you grieved. he remembers all the signs he thought you didn’t give. he remembers your newly opened bakery and the heart on his first order chit. he remembers his now ex-girlfriend hating his guts and throwing your bread on the floor.
most of all, he remembers how happy you look with reo.
so sae swallows all the words he wanted to say and gives you a knowing smile. “just wanted to come by and wish you a happy marriage.”
i miss you. i still love you. i want you back. i want to be yours again. i promise i’ll love you properly this time.
he bites back all his words.
your expression turns soft and you smile at him for the first time in five years. “thanks, sae,” you tell him, holding your hand out.
sae shakes it, resisting his urge to pull you close.
“how are—”
“i have to go,” sae interjects, because he doesn’t think he can act any more normal than this. he wants to see more of you, but he forces himself to leave, and you understand anyway, you and your weak knees because as much as you’re over itoshi sae, your lover, you still miss itoshi sae, your best friend.
reo walks past him on the steps, noticing his rush. “hey, leaving already?”
sae doesn’t stop. “yeah.”
“look, y/n’s clueless but,” reo continues, raising his voice slightly as sae gets farther away. “thanks for all the support!”
sae stops short of his car, turning around to look at reo, who’s looking at you, cleaning up the last of your cash.
“what are you talking about?”
reo turns back to sae, hands in his pockets. “i wanted to thank mr rin hatoki personally so—” sae’s eyes grow wide at the mention of the name— “thank you.”
how does he even know?
“you know, she was so nervous when it first opened, thinking that nobody would buy anything,” reo tells him, and sae listens, swallowing the lump in his throat. “i wanted to be the first customer but apparently a mr rin hitoki beat me to it.”
reo sighs, noticing how sae’s eyes are now glued onto you.
“y/n’s the kindest person i’ve ever met,” reo continues, turning his back on sae. “if you want forgiveness, it’s always there for you.”
reo’s revelation and offer sticks with sae, but he shelves it in the corner of his mind. when he sees you, crescent eyes and all smiles, sae drives off.
it’s fine. knowing you’re happy is enough.
that’s a lie. it will never be enough for him, but he’ll just keep trying to convince himself. sae loves you, and he might just love you enough to let you go.
crying