I wouldn’t have thought that death would feel like this. It was a relief from the physical pain but not from the emotional. I felt stuck. There was no light, there was no dark, I just was. It’s hard to explain, really. I couldn’t feel anything in my body but the pain in my heart. It registered in my brain through a slow and steady silence, the absence of a heart beat. All there was, all that I thought of was Oliver. For a moment, the pain in my heart subsided but nothing else changed. I was still stuck wherever I was. I couldn’t find him, I couldn’t find anyone. I just was.
***
Time had no meaning wherever I’d been. It meant nothing to me when I finally saw the light. Maybe it was mere minutes, maybe it was years, but eventually, I was lifted from the nothingness. Surrounded by tall grass, the sun shone directly above me as a light breeze blew through my hair. It felt like home. I felt free. I felt so free as I frolicked in the grass, my bare feet pressing into the soil and the sun warming my skin. I felt free until the pain in my heart returned. It crippled me and I clutched my chest as my knees hit the dirt.
I breathed heavily, closed my eyes, and tried to push through it. I had no idea what was making me feel this way. Not until I saw his shoes. Not until I felt his presence. Not until he knelt down and slipped his thumb under my chin and guides me up until our eyes meet. His face was perfect, as perfect as the day I met him. A crisp white t-shirt and his curly hair dancing in the breeze. My chin trembled as I looked him over.
“Oliver,” I whispered so low that it might not have been audible.
He smiled gently at me and nodded, he must’ve heard me. He leaned in, kissing me softly on my lips, the pain in my heart subsiding for a moment only to return tenfold. I squeezed his hand, my fingers now laced in his, and pushed through the pain, wanting the kiss more than anything I’ve ever wanted. When he pulled away, he saw the pain in my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
It all came crashing down on me when he spoke those words. There were a million things he could be sorry for, but I knew he was most sorry that he found me here. He was most sorry that he couldn’t watch over me, living the life that he wanted for me to live.
“You don’t want me here?” I asked, my heart aching. He frowned and shook his head.
“Of course I do, but I don’t...” he said, wiping a tear off my cheek with his finger. “I would rather see you happy, alive. I’d rather that, Adelaide, of course. But since I can’t change it, yes, I want you here. With me. I missed you,” he cooed into my ear before pressing his lips to mine once more.
I ran my fingers through his curls, the pain again subsiding before increasing. I pushed him away and met his eyes with mine. They sparkled.
“You’re happy here?” I asked. He nodded. “She’s here, isn’t she? And... and your baby, too?” I knew they were, I knew that’s why the sparkle was there in his eyes. I knew that why he was happy. He half smiled at my question before frowning. He knew the answer would upset me. I wasn’t his any longer, not when he had a family here. And that meant that he wasn’t mine anymore. He stood up and reached out his hand to me.
“Come with me Adelaide,” he asked. I looked up at him from my knees and shook my head, refusing his hand. A tear rolled down my cheek.
“No,” I whispered sadly. “You have your family, you have your happiness here. You don’t need me anymore. What we had, it was meant for only a short while. Azalea is your forever.” The pain in my chest felt like it was spreading quickly. I was paralyzed by fear, by jealousy, by sadness. “I’ve always had to share you, Oliver. And yes my love is true. And I know yours was true as well. But now that you have her, just go be with her.”
I could see the pain in his face when I spoke. He looked down and sighed before kneeling back in front of me. He laced his fingers into my again and I tried to smile as I bit my lip. He was comforting even though my heart was broken.
“You were never second, you know that, right? Just because we happened second, doesn’t mean I love you less. I love you equally. I want you to come with me, Adelaide. Be with me,” he requested with a shaky voice.
I sighed as the sparkle left his eyes. “You know I can’t Oliver, it’s not my place. You belong with her. You belong with them. You can’t have us both...” I retorted sadly. “When I look at you, I see a man who’s torn, a man with half of his heart for one and half of it for another. But once upon a time, she had your whole heart. Let her have it back, Oliver. All of it.”
When he sniffled I knew he was crying. I tried to shush him but he refused. Instead, he looked at me intently and opened his lips to speak. “You’ll always be in my heart Ade, always. I love you, I still love you. When I said forever, I meant it. I won’t erase you, don’t ask me to do it.” He gripped my hands tighter, trying to restrain his tears. Seeing him tear up made me cry harder, the pain in my chest quadrupling and I felt as though I would explode at any moment.
“I’m not asking you to erase me, Oliver. I’m telling you that it’s okay to go be with your family. I’m not asking you to forget me. I know what our time together was meant for. I helped pick you up and put you back together. I helped heal you, and you know why? So you could be whole for her... so just do that. Please?” I nearly begged.
He bowed his head, removing his gaze from me, and I could hear him crying, mustering up the courage to leave me. I leaned in and kissed the top of his head. This was for the best, I had to tell myself. They had always belonged together, even if I was the one he’d given his last name to. Even if I was the one he spent his final days with. But that ring, it’d always been around his neck. She’d always haunted him. The Oliver I loved was a broken one. A daredevil and a man who defied gravity. A man who had wished himself dead just to see her again. And that was the Oliver that loved me. But now, he was whole again. And although he loved me, I knew deep down that this was best. He already had someone and who was I to butt in and steal him away.
“Oliver, you can come visit me, you know. Any time you want to. I just can stay with you. I can’t do that and I need you to understand that,” I added when he’d not spoken for quite awhile. It was my turn now to wipe away his tears. I brushed my fingers along his jawline, much like I used to do. Finally, I could feel him accept it. I could feel him slipping away.
“Alright, Adelaide. If that’s what you want,” he said begrudgingly. He looked deep into my eyes, my chest heaving under the pressure of the pain inside my heart. His palm against my cheek, he kissed me one last time. It was sweet and loving and the mark of a man who knew he’d never see her again.
"I will always love you," I whispered once our lips parted.
When I opened my eyes, he was gone. If I hadn’t already been kneeling in the grass, I’d have collapsed from grief. The pain inside my chest caused me to crumple into the grass and just as my head hit the dirt, I blacked out.
***
When I woke up, I was in my childhood bed. I sat up, confused, and fell back against my pillow, dizzy from the rush of blood to my head. A sweet voice filled my ears, telling me to relax. I shifted my gaze over to find Lana at my bedside, brushing my hair back from my forehead and placing a cool washcloth against my skin.
“Lana,” I whispered, smiling and reaching my hand out to hers. I was so happy to see her.
“Hey cowgirl,” she said, smiling back.
Eventually, I sat up, looking around the room. I took the washcloth off and hugged my best friend. “What are you doing here?” I asked her. Didn’t she have somewhere else to be? Someone else to be with?
“I came to see you, of course, when I heard you were here. Course I didn’t expect to find you lying out in the grass like that...” she said, trailing off. “You saw Oliver?”
I could tell she was hesitant to ask and she frowned as soon as the words left her lips because I started to cry again. That’s when I realized the pain in my chest was gone. I was crying, but it didn’t hurt as much. She wrapped her arms around me again, pulling me in for comfort.
“I know he’s happier this way,” is all I said to her.
***
As Lana packed up a few things to head back to her family, there was a knock on the door. It was still strange to me that I was spending my afterlife alone in the house that I grew up in. Pictures were already on the wall of my family. Winnie, Flint, and their new baby girl, named after me. A picture of a bit more grown up LeAnn. And my parent’s wedding picture. I chuckled a little when I saw one of Garrett. I never could forget him, I guess, even if I tried. Lana and I walked to the door together, unsure of who would even be knocking.
I flung the door open, almost wishing that Oliver had returned to me. A woman stood there with flowing brown locks and a pretty smile. I didn’t recognize her and yet, she felt so familiar. Lana gasped, as if she knew who this woman was. I turned to her and furrowed my brow, confused, before I looked back at the woman.
“Adelaide?” she questioned. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Why did she seem so familiar? Why did she know who I was. Suddenly, it dawned on me. I turned back to the mantle, gazing at my parent’s wedding photo as it sat there in the frame. I whipped my head back around.
“Mom?”
She smiled at me and opened her arms to hug me. I didn’t hesitate to rush into them. I was so young when she passed, I didn’t remember her, I’d forgotten her. How could I have forgotten her? Her embrace was warm and welcoming. I never wanted to let her go. But before long, I had to, so I could bid Lana a farewell. I walked onto the porch with my mom, back in an embrace, and waved Lana off. I turned back to my mother and smiled, so glad to not be alone.
“I wasn’t sure if I had the right place,” she said. I looked at her, confused. She pointed to the plaque on the wall by the front door. “Guess my baby traded in her last name, eh?” She laughed and hugged me, my eyes transfixed by the name on the plaque.
Hot sun dancin' on the river
We're sittin on the bank and watch the world go by
Our feet in the water he pressed his lips to mine
We were so long on love but short on time
He could be a honeymoon sweet and a little wild
But he was mine oh, for a little while
Promising Forever... Knowing that this Moment Might be all We Ever Find
It was like slow motion, my body turning from Lana's limp body only to see Xander finishing off Oliver. His body went up in flames, his cannon echoed against my eardrum, and I felt like I, too, would explode. I could feel each and every time my hear broke into a thousand pieces. A thousand pinpricks in my chest as I lost the ability to breathe. I collapsed like dead weight to the wooden floors below me, my knees press into the floorboards like cinder blocks. I crawled to him slowly, pulling out the parachute from my pack and putting out the fire that disfigured my handsome husband. My fingers clutching at whatever was left of him, I laid against his chest and sobbed.
There was nothing left to save, Xander had robbed me of the thing most precious to me in this world. I gripped his burnt shirt, unwilling to let go of him. Through my teary-eyed vision, I could barely recognize him. I wanted to kiss him one last time. I wanted to feel his embrace, I wanted him back. I closed my eyes. I felt blind. Without him, I was lost. And that's when the feeling sank in, I didn't wanna miss him this way.
"Come back, be here..." I whispered through a sob, my breathing stifled.
I don't know how long I was lying on him for, but however long it was, it wasn't enough. I laced my fingers in his and held him close, held him until he started to smell. I held him until Theo pulled me away. I didn't care about my injuries or even the pack that I'd won. He was gone. She was gone. I looked into Theo's eyes, they were tear stained too. I wrapped my arms around him, wincing from the physical pain of my wounds. He scooped me up and walked me away from his body, sitting me down by a statue.
I sat on his lap, in a daze, refusing to drink. He forced me and it felt good but I didn't want something that felt good, unless it was revenge on Xander. All I wanted was Oliver back. To switch places, to have him be here instead of me. I stared at the wall, lost in thought.
Every moment with him flashed in front of my eyes and I was filled with sorrow and pain and happiness and regret and love and confusion. If only I'd let myself love him sooner... if only I'd not been scared of some stupid curse... if only I'd embraced the little time we had. I felt like I lost 3 days that I could've had with him. But the days I did have were irreplaceable. The dance at the ball and painting his bare chest and kissing him on the rooftop as we stood on the ledge and the night where he made me his.
I finally drank again, this time taking the pills, and I moved off of Theo's lap. Ducking into the corner, I needed to be alone. I rest my head against the wall and closed my eyes, clutching the canteen. I didn't care anymore, I didn't want to live. I missed him too much already, all I wanted was to be where he was. All I wanted was... I choked on air and coughed. The realization of it all was too much for me. I squeezed my legs in towards my chest and buried my face into my knees.
If he was gone... then he was with her. He was with her and he was already happy. Maybe he didn't even remember me? He definitely didn't need me, not anymore. Not when he had her. I felt the tears flow again as I sobbed into my thighs. This morning he gave me his name, last week he gave me his heart, but six months ago he lost her, a year ago he made love to her, many years before that, he'd given her his heart.
I felt sick over it. We promised each other forever but forever we would never have, I would never have. My time with him had been cut short, this was all I got. I felt the bile rise in my throat and I lurched over, vomiting onto the floor. Maybe it was heat stroke or maybe it was just my broken heart. It occurred to me then that I'd seen him with her ring around his neck. A ring that he kept for himself, that even this morning he'd not given to me. I cried, knowing that he always belonged to her first. The only boy I'd ever loved had always loved another. I knew it, I knew it all too well, but I'd always ignored it. Now that he was gone, I couldn't ignore it anymore.
And yet, I loved him still. I couldn't turn it off just like that. The pain radiated from my heart out through my chest as I cried. When Theo came to check on me, I pushed him away. I couldn't stand to be close to anyone anymore, not when all that would happen was me losing them. My heart couldn't take it.
I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I didn't know if I wanted to give up, just to see him again, even if it meant seeing him with her. Or did I want to live, to move on, to do what he asked of me this morning. Is that why he wanted me to promise? Because he knew he'd move on, too? I let out another sob. I was so conflicted. I had no idea what to think or do... so I just cried until I was cried out.
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