vale

someone's fanfic sideblog... he they / nineteen /

[adhdloop]

this is my void time where virtually no one bothers me, and i basically just talk to myself. it's very therapeutic.

[adhdloop]

Being feminine ≠ girl or wants to be a girl or wants to be called girl.

I am so sick of femininity being tied to being a girl. Like so many women dress masculine but people don't automatically assume they want to be a man.

It's just so tiring.

Sincerely, an agender thing who dresses femme occasionally and people suddenly start acting confused or get upset with me because 'how can you dress femme but still want masculine pronouns?'.

Ohhhhhhhhh my god. I can want to be pretty without wanting to be called a girl!

Gender expression ≠ gender. Fuck off.

[adhdloop]

My only goal today is to shower. Why is everything so difficult. Why can't I just bring myself to shower. I don't understand how other people take care of themselves so easily. How they build a routine and then manage to stick with it. They do things so easily without thinking when, in my case, it takes agonising hours to be able to force myself to do it.

[adhdloop]

Sometimes I don't realise just how anxious and insecure I am until I see how free and happy other people are.

[adhdloop]

Watch me go overeat instead and then feel bad afterwards.

[adhdloop]

I don't need to get drunk I don't want to get drunk I don't need to get drunk I don't want to get drunk I don't need to get drunk I don't want to get drunk I don't I don't I don't

[adhdloop]

I don't exist even in my own imagination. I am not a character in the world's I create in my head. Or when I am I am completely different from how I actually am as a human being. But I prefer the world's where I don't exist. Maybe that says something.

Also, maybe a part of the reason why self insert and x reader stuff weirds me out so bad is because I can never see myself as desirable in any way, platonic or romantic, even when it's fiction.

Or maybe it's something to do with the fact that I use fiction as a way to completely escape from the real world.

Maybe all of these things have a connection. It's too late in the night for me to properly tie it all together.

[adhdloop]

Also I only just realised just how integral Sharkboy and Lavagirl is to who I am as a human being. Like fuck man.

[adhdloop]

Can't even afford private therapy because I quit the job that was making me even more miserable than I already was. I feel so fucking stupid and useless.

[adhdloop]

Struggling again. Yay. Feeling stupid and unwanted and like I'm never enough. My executive dysfunction has gotten even worse than usual. I can barely bring myself to do anything but then get sad about not doing anything. I want to write but can't find the motivation or when I do I can never stay focused for long and then afterwards I go back to thinking I'm the worst writer ever and that no one will even like my fic that much or that it'll never compare to other fics in the fandom.

Also having a real tough fucking time trying to remember why I'm still sober. I know in my rational mind that it is not a good idea and that I'd hate myself even more if I ever went back to how I was but. Idk. It's just so fucking hard. A part of my mind is like 'well at least people liked you then' when I know in reality that at best it was people putting up with me and at worst it was them taking advantage of me. I could easily message my old dealer, but I know I shouldn't.

I just feel so miserable and pathetic.

[adhdloop]

Lowkey forgot about this account. Damn. Anyways just painted my nails and I'm seeing friends tomorrow yippee

[adhdloop]

i have work in five hours, and i haven't slept. i hate it here. i wish i could just sleep normally. it is so exhausting. i originally tried to go to bed three hours ago. which still isn't great, but it's better than i normally am. anyways.

[adhdloop]

i hate that i can't recognise my dad anymore. i know he's not a bad person. Or even a bad dad. i just miss who i thought he was.

[adhdloop]

remembering how personality disorders were talked about when i was growing up will forever cause me to crash out, and it is still so anger inducing that it's not even improved that much. specifically antisocial personality disorders. they're not automatically evil guys shut tf up. remembering one therapist who was talking about narcissistic personality disorder on some lame ass show and said it made her feel sick... mf when i catch you.

[adhdloop]

i am also forever devastated whenever i think of g-dragon or top. both as friends and separately. all of the shit they went through was so unfair, and seeing how gd was before his military service hurts.

[adhdloop]

it's been weird recently. maybe it's the divorce maybe it's the personality disorder idk.

[adhdloop]

currently feeling emo as hell and not in the good way.