During my childhood (the late to middle 90s) my father bought the most massive telescope he could afford. It was huge… and whatever his purpose may have been in the purchase my sister and I in the simple act of looking into that lens under stars in the darkness were forever changed.
I did not know it at the time - but those moments under the stars with my father and sister have come to be some of my fondest memories. Its one of those places I go in my mind when I need to escape the realities of this place. There is some sort of deep nostalgia there.
I cleve to memories like those these days. The simple things from my childhood.
I cleave because memories like the one above - they seem to be the only things that serve to keep me grounded . They keep me from being distracted by the temporary - remembering the beauty of moments formed in stillness in a gaze toward the heavens - remembering stars fixed in the great darkness - forever.
If I were to speculate without conversation which I am far too guilty of often- I would deduce that what my father saw in all his travels throughout the world necessitated purchasing that huge telescope- seeing the worlds darkness seeing its growing cities. He knew I would have my time to see such things for myself and would come to understand the necessity of these moments. But first I had to see the stars - first see their brillance -see their beauty. Remember who I was in light of them- a small dot reflecting a brighter dot in a swirling typhoon of glittery everest size dust particles.
How hard it is to remove oneself these days to what I felt in those moments with filters to keep my eyes from being burnt by such brilliance - and I cleave to that which remains of those memories and moments in my mind , of the places where I was made and the places I grew up in and that which I consider greater than what seems so great now.
For my generation we are in the thick of it - our world changing. Getting smaller, more self involved, more ego. Less family oriented.
I’m not one to forget. But here...
And even so - certain memories are being forgot. I know it to be so. And I grieve their loss.
And It’s not in old age that I forget- only 27 but it is in constant distraction from the memories and moments that matter.
It’s been difficult to give place to the art of remembering in my age , time, and moment in history…but I see it to be of great importance and am trying to give more time for it in my life.
Its like Mark Twain wrote that “a good memory and a tongue tied in the middle of a combination gives immortality to conversation” and serves to remind us of the struggle effort and grit required to remember or to make something come back into being. Like entropy applied to the intangibles.
When I speak with my physicist friends ( I actually have quite a few) I am reminded of the different forces and their labels that hold together our universe.
I think we forget. So easily forget about nature living in this city and the purpose of things like planets that encircle stars which encircle black holes which encircle something else . We forget about the chemical forces, the alkaline and elemental properties - our intrinsic nature to bind and hold a distance - influence and the pervasive darkness of our world and our universe with the perfect balance of being held and being loosed - our own cluster held together in a perfect bright moment of the nuclear nature of atoms.
We forget how special we are. But also how common this whole thing is.
In a city where I see only the stars that burn the brightest and can only see so far into where I use to look have had to grapple with the unnatural nature of life here. That is life in the 21st century city and increasingly our world with piped in concentration - gathered elements and electrons. And it proves difficult to remain balanced bend gracefully and not break with the unnatural forces applied around me.
Daniel 12:3 speaks of the importance of those who are wise and who teach - who will turn many back to God being like stars burning forever and ever. Fusion etc.
That verse has always struck a chord with me - I think because it reminds us and me of the true importance of what we do and what is truly important.
It's so easy to forget here.
I guess that’s all to say , I’ve had moments well most moment where it feels unnatural to be working out my faith here. Because the natural and unnatural hold their distance. But its because it is. And even with most of my own actions and decisions affirmed I still feel like I’m grappling with my own propensity to black hole or super-nova. But it is this place not myself. It’s hard to be a light ( or star whatever you want to call it) here. When you don't know how to bring the two together and they may not be meant to be brought together.
I’ve called myself a fool a lot lately - beaten myself up quite a bit over the fact I’m not there yet. As if somehow at 27 I’m going to be able to be a fixed object in a place of flickering lights.
In vermont a few months back E and I and my brother in law and sister were walking through a field of flowers and grass at night on our way back from dinner down the hill. We were joking / slightly fearful of being attacked by a bear in our remote locale.
E and I stopped while the others went ahead - we stopped in our tracks not because of a sound but a small faint flicker of light in the distance.
As our eyes adjusted we began to discover that there was a sea of little flickering lights before us. Lightning bugs in a field of flowers in the darkness of the wild.
It was one of those moments where I remembered how beautiful it is to be in the presence of many small lights in a great sea of darkness.
There is beauty in that moment and in the image.
As I’ve grappled with my propensity to explode and implode lately. I honestly feel a little torn apart. And I’ve slowly picked up on the fact I’m not really alone in this. But imagine that’s part of the purpose of this call and the grappling that is required to live life in our modern world.
Metaphors and brilliant words aside simply put I am reminded everyday of our postmodern world and how it desperately needs Jesus. But it needs those wise and teaching and discerning being many lights in a dark field and it can't be just one.
That's what I've been praying for myself lately - that I can be a light among other lights. Be willing to stay put and admit the tainted nature of our nature and remember the simplicity and needed power of that act on a cross 2000 years ago - the gospel - Jesus.
Tainted life runs through all of humanity it is what killed Jesus and runs in me. But there is good news He reversed the darkness - he gave light to last and he shared it. We all were black holes. We all became fireflies who were meant to be blazing stars - but in a dark world even if we can muster up the natural light of a firefly for a minute or two we can still make an impression.
He gave life and breathe to ignite - where light meets darkness.
My father was recently diagnosed with a very severe type of cancer. Detected early enough medicine and surgery should be able to destroy the unnatural growth in him during a procedure later this month .
Since he broke the news I've had to come to terms with the fact he will eventually fall and die. But I have peace because I know he is fixed. Fixed in the sky by God's right hand.
In all my searching. In all my longing for that which has stability beauty and is defined by craftsmanship. Jesus is the only thing my heart and soul desires because of this.
...Because all of us were meant to be stars to give light and life to all forever.
